by M. Ullrich
Lauren opened her mouth, willing a witty response to come to mind, but she fell flat and said, “Har har.”
Berit spared an amused laugh. “Light rum,” she said, holding up the clear rum before pouring it into the metal cup. She did the same with the darker rum. “Spiced rum, the good stuff, and a dash of both real Coke and lime juice. Add a little ice…” Berit dumped a scoop of ice into the shaker and secured a glass over it, checking the seal before handing it to Lauren. “Shake it, baby.”
Lauren put her hand over the glass and kept her grip tight on the shaker, moving it back and forth. Berit shook her head and grabbed Lauren’s hands along with the shaker. “A few times, up and down, quickly.” She moved Lauren as if she were her puppet. “Now hit the glass gently with the heel of your hand to dislodge it.”
After removing the glass, Lauren stared at Berit, waiting for her next instructions. Common sense told her it was time to pour, but Lauren never really knew with Berit. Her brown eyes grew wide when Berit turned her to the bar and stepped behind her. She wrapped her arms around Lauren and placed her hand over Lauren’s on the metal shaker. Berit’s warmth permeated the back of Lauren’s shirt, and she soaked it up.
“Slowly,” Berit whispered into Lauren’s ear. She guided Lauren’s hand, pouring the liquid into two waiting shot glasses, moving seamlessly from one to the next without spilling. The liquor rose in the glasses along with a torrent of goose bumps along Lauren’s skin. Lauren took in a deep breath, trying to keep her hands steady and her stance calm. “Slow and steady will give you a perfect pour every time.”
Lauren watched the final drop of liquor ripple the surface. Berit had yet to move, and being boxed in like this would normally make Lauren feel claustrophobic, but not one negative feeling coursed through her body. Everything she felt was good, too good. Reacting this way to Berit was all Jennifer’s fault. “Son of a bitch,” Lauren mumbled.
“What?” Berit stepped back and looked at the shots. “They’re perfect.” She picked one up and held it out to Lauren. “Want a taste?”
“No. I’m going to work tables for the rest of the night if that’s okay.” Lauren marched out from behind the bar without giving Berit a chance to voice her approval.
“Okay then,” Berit said as she watched Lauren practically run away from her. She blew out a large breath, puffing out her cheeks. She handed the shots off to the two closest patrons, who were elated by free drinks.
Lou stepped up behind her to input drinks into the register. “What was that all about?”
Berit’s mind reeled. “Be more specific.”
“You and Lauren were getting cozy back here.”
“I was teaching her basic flair.”
Lou chortled. “I’ve seen you teach Flair 101, and that was not it.”
Berit sighed. She checked everyone’s glasses at the bar and knew she’d have a few minutes before the next refill request. “I thought she gave me the signal.”
“The signal?” Lou said with a raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, the signal. We were in the back and she was acting weird and grumpy, and then she went out of her way to touch me and she blushed.”
“And that’s the signal?”
Berit recognized every bit of mockery in her sister’s face and tone. She clenched her jaw. “When was the last time anyone shot you the signal? Would you even recognize it?” Lou opened her mouth, and Berit raised her hand to stop her. “And bar patrons don’t count.”
Lou glared at her. “All I’m saying is don’t read too much into it. You obviously came on too strong just now, and she ran for the hills. You also seem to have forgotten that she’s dating Jennifer, whom you set her up with.”
Berit’s face fell. The melancholy that always accompanied the harsh truth filled her chest. She’d never wanted someone so unattainable that she’d fabricate their interest. She let out a small, sad laugh. “You’re right. Thinking back, I don’t think it was a signal. Why would it be? She’s already dating the perfect woman.” Berit pulled the dish towel from her back pocket and threw it on the counter.
“That’s not what I—”
“I’ll be in my office if you need me.” Berit chastised herself for the rest of the night. Lauren had made her feelings toward her clear. She’d never go for a woman like Berit.
Chapter Fifteen
“I don’t know if it’s a mental breakdown or my mind playing tricks on me, or maybe it’s even a midlife crisis. I feel like everything I should want is on the ‘no’ list for me, and everything I never, ever wanted is screaming ‘yes’ at me and I’m really worried.” Lauren bit her thumbnail, turning the once-smooth corner jagged. She paced her room, waiting to hear a token of good advice come through her eerily silent phone. She peeked at the screen to make sure the call was connected.
Amber mumbled something unintelligible into the phone. Lauren could hear a commotion in the background. “Lauren, I have no idea what you’re talking about, and I’m at work.”
“My life,” Lauren nearly yelled. She paced back and forth in her bedroom. Today was one of the rare days where she was home alone for a few brief moments before work—a workday she wanted to avoid like a wet kiss from your grabby aunt. “Everything is turning upside down, and I don’t know how to stop it.” Lauren wanted to know what angle Amber was holding her phone at because she heard the entire breath Amber released at her. “Don’t be like that.”
“Hang on. I’m trying to sneak out for a smoke break.”
“You don’t smoke.”
“If the smokers can take ten from time to time, I can take time to talk my friend out of her spiraling craziness and breathe some fresh air while I’m at it. Even if it is humid as hell today.”
Lauren tilted her head in consideration. “I always assumed hell would be a dry heat.”
“Okay. Upside-down life. You have five minutes—go.”
“You know how when people go through a big life change or traumatic experience, something in them can snap? I think something in me snapped or is at least a little frayed or broken.”
“When was the last time you saw your therapist?” Amber’s question sounded so instant and dull, Lauren wondered if her friend even heard a word she had said.
“It’s been a few months. I haven’t been able to afford it since most of our utilities went up.” Lauren checked the clock on the far wall of her bedroom. Her shift started in thirty minutes.
“Promise me you’ll make an appointment soon. I’ll even give you the money. You always feel better when you see her regularly.”
“I promise, but I need your help right now.” She resumed her pacing.
“What’s first?”
“I like my job,” Lauren admitted quietly.
Amber laughed lightly, the sound nearly carried away by the breeze that crackled in the phone. “Why is that a bad thing?”
“Because I’m a paralegal; I went to school for it and always wanted to work in law.” Lauren’s head fell back. She looked at a small water spot on the ceiling and saw dollar signs for a moment but decided she didn’t have the energy to worry about that, too. Not yet, anyway. “I shouldn’t be okay with being a bartender or waitress or whatever I am right now.”
“Why not? Both are very valid occupations. My cousin has been bartending for nearly twenty years and has more designer shoes and handbags than I’ll ever own. She drives a BMW she bought new.”
“The money can be good, but I feel like I’ll be giving up on what I’ve worked for my whole life.”
“You sound like your mother, which leads me to believe you’re more worried about what other people will think of you.”
Lauren hung her head. “What if I do?”
“Don’t,” Amber said instantly and forcefully. “You are responsible for your happiness and just your happiness, Lauren, no one else’s. You should work the job you want to, period.”
“You are right.” Lauren took the first full, deep breath her body had allowed since the beginning of her anx
ious episode. “I’ll start looking for a paralegal position when and if I’m ready.”
“Good. Was that it? Because I have to get back—”
“Do you remember Jennifer?” Every time she thought of the way things had ended between her and Jennifer, Lauren felt like her insides were shrinking in embarrassment.
“The woman you’re dating? The eleven on a scale of one to ten? Yeah, I can still hear you bragging about her.”
“We’re not dating anymore.” Lauren went back to chewing her thumbnail in hopes of smoothing out her earlier damage. “We weren’t sexually compatible.” God, that sounded so much simpler than it felt.
“You describe her like she was some sexy stud superstar. I can’t imagine the sex was that bad.”
Lauren recalled the way her body refused to react to Jennifer. “We didn’t have sex, I couldn’t have sex with her. She didn’t turn me on, and I know how crazy that sounds. She’s perfect on paper and in person, but I didn’t feel lust or desire or anything when things started to get hot and heavy. I actually think my vagina’s broken or dead.”
“You’re exaggerating, maybe, how hot was she?” Amber’s voice was strained, like she was really trying to figure out Lauren’s recent sexual lapse.
“An eleven out of ten,” Lauren said wistfully. “But that’s not what’s got me really messed up. Jennifer asked me if it had anything to do with Berit.”
“Well, does it?”
Lauren sat at the end of her bed and played those three words over and over in her head. “I don’t know. I didn’t think so, but then we were really close yesterday and…I don’t know if I’m feeling something because Jennifer planted the idea in my head.”
Amber laughed very loudly into the phone. “Honey, the mind is a powerful and dangerous weapon, but if you couldn’t get wet for Jennifer, I don’t think you can convince yourself to get hard for Berit, either.”
“Thanks for making that truth bomb as vulgar as possible.”
“Anytime. Listen, I have to get back to work, but I’ll stop by the bar later and we’ll talk. Hang in there, bud.”
“Thanks.” Lauren tossed her phone into her purse. Her protective case faced upward, the bold print reminding her to keep calm and carry on. She laughed. “Yeah, right.”
* * *
Lauren’s shift started smoothly and progressed with little issue. No awkwardness hung between her and Berit, and everyone at the Dollhouse was in a cheery mood. Bellamy shared stories of her weekend away with family, Monica danced to every song that played, and Berit instructed Lauren to work the bar with Lou, showing trust in Lauren’s abilities—no matter how shaky. For over three hours, Lauren poured shots and mixed drinks with Lou. Berit was at the other end of the bar, shouldering most of the crowd while Lauren and Lou worked a little more slowly. Lauren couldn’t stop wondering why Berit placed her with Lou. Had she made things uncomfortable for Berit?
“Want to learn how to make a Redheaded Slut?”
“Make her what?” Lauren’s counter was met by a brilliant smile from Lou.
“You know, you’re funny. I say that like it’s a surprise because it is. When you first started, you seemed kinda stiff. But you’re all right.”
“I wasn’t at my best a month ago.” Lauren tossed a runaway ice cube into the sink.
“And now?”
Lauren considered the question with a deep breath. Something within her had shifted since working with the spectacular women at the Dollhouse. “I’m happier,” she said honestly. “I thought I had lost control of everything—my job, my relationship, my home life…” Most of her list was still in disarray, but she somehow breathed easier. “I’m a mess, but I’m a happier mess. I’m actually thinking about having her put me on the books and make my position more permanent.”
Lou nodded and brushed a few stray strands of hair from her face. “That’s great. I’m very happy to know you’re sticking around. Berit is a pain in my ass but a very good judge of character. She saw something special in you right away.”
Lauren’s stomach quivered, and she fought to keep her feelings off her face. Lou, Berit’s sister, could not know about Lauren’s turmoil. She cleared her throat roughly and grabbed her bottle of water from the back counter. After two long swallows, she spotted Berit making her way over.
“No drinking on the job,” Berit said with a wink.
Lauren laughed loudly. Too loudly. Her chuckling was prolonged and awkward, carrying on until Berit disappeared into her office. Lauren’s face fell. Lou punched her shoulder.
Lauren smoothed her hands over her dark hair nervously and picked up a rag to wipe down the bar, ignoring the fact that Lou had already cleaned the same spot.
“Lauren, I may be Berit’s sister, but you can talk to me. So seriously, talk to me. Do you have a thing for my—for Berit?”
Lauren winced. This moment was uncomfortable. Thankfully, a line of customers sidled up to the bar. Lauren mouthed “later” to Lou, and they served the group. Lauren chatted casually with a young couple that brought along their best guy friend. He spoke highly of the Dollhouse and its friendly, inclusive atmosphere. Lauren took the time to advertise their upcoming fellas’ night and mentioned there’d be a stud night for the ladies. Everyone’s eyes lit up with excitement, and that was when Lauren’s heart dropped.
Through the crowd, she spotted Rebecca walk through the door. Lauren took a second too long to react, and Rebecca saw her. She waved excitedly as Lauren looked around for help.
“Lauren!” Rebecca’s voice was shrill, even in the loud space as she rushed over to the bar.
Lauren didn’t even try to fake enthusiasm. “Hey, Rebecca. Do you want a drink?”
“I want to know why you didn’t tell me you were working here.” Rebecca crossed her arms over her chest, the way she always would when Lauren acted like an independent person. “And I’ll take a shot of tequila, whatever’s fine.”
Lauren purposely grabbed the cheapest bottle on the shelf and poured a shot. She placed a lime wedge atop the small glass and pushed it toward Rebecca. Lauren’s face had yet to change from stoic. “I work here, it’s great, and that’s all you need to know.”
“I know stooping to bartending can’t be comfortable for you, but you should’ve told me.”
Lauren clenched her jaw. Her face flushed with anger, but she kept it in check. She was on the clock and a front-row representative of the Dollhouse. “I’m not stooping—”
“You’re not talking to me, you’re hiding your job and your new girlfriend from me. I’m hurt. It’s like we’re not even friends.”
We’re not, Lauren’s inner voice screamed. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“So tell me about her,” Rebecca said, pulling out a barstool and getting comfortable.
Lying never came naturally to Lauren. She fumbled with a response. She didn’t want to give Rebecca the satisfaction of knowing her latest relationship had failed. “I can’t. We’re…” Lauren thought long and hard about how to handle herself. In her peripheral vision, Lauren saw Berit laughing. “We’re not out at work yet.”
Rebecca gasped. “No way. It’s someone here.”
“Yeah. It was all very unexpected.” Lauren’s heart started to beat a little faster.
“Who is it?” Rebecca spun around in every direction. Lauren worried she’d topple from the stool. “Is it her?” she said, nodding in Talia’s direction. “Her?” She pointed to Dee. Rebecca must’ve passed over Berit four times in her attempt to find Lauren’s secret girlfriend.
Lauren smiled and excused herself. She fidgeted with her hands during the short walk to Berit’s side. Berit was unpacking napkins. Lauren chewed at the inside of her cheek while she waited for Berit’s attention. “Hey, Berit, would it be okay for me to take my break?”
“Yeah. You know you don’t have to ask me. I trust you know when it’s a good time to go and when it’s not.”
Lauren envied how relaxed Berit was at all times. Her nerves made her
hands tingle and her legs feel like cement pillars. “I also need to ask a favor of you. It’s a very weird, huge favor.”
That got Berit’s full attention. She put the napkins down and faced Lauren fully. With a tilt of her head she asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Look over my shoulder.” Lauren waited a beat for Berit to do so. “See the really cute, petite woman with curly black hair at the bar?” Lauren hated Berit’s natural reaction to smile at a pretty girl. Rebecca didn’t deserve Berit’s positive appraisal. “That’s my ex.”
Berit’s face turned serious. “The ex?” Berit took a breath. “The not-so-nice one?”
Lauren nodded.
“Do you want me to have Danny escort her out?”
Lauren’s tension eased a bit at Berit’s concern and the image of Danny, the muscular stone butch, carrying Rebecca out by her collar. “Not exactly. Would you…can we…uh,” Lauren stuttered. “She asked me about my new girlfriend, and I don’t want her to know I’m not seeing Jennifer anymore.”
Berit looked shocked. “You’re not?”
“No, but that’s not important right now. Will you pretend to be with me? Like, with me?” Lauren cringed, closed her eyes and dropped her head. Her plan sounded stupid once she said it aloud. “This is ridiculous,” she mumbled. “I’m sorry. I’m an adult and can handle this.” Before she could walk away, Berit grabbed Lauren’s wrist and pulled her back into her. Their faces were an inch apart. Lauren’s knees weakened.
“I think we should do it,” Berit said, looking into Lauren’s eyes. Lauren saw nothing but sincerity and security shining back at her. “Why give her any kind of satisfaction? If you decide to tell her we broke up tomorrow, that’s fine, but at least it’ll be on your time.” Lauren felt chills as Berit placed her hands on her shoulders and ran them the length of her arms. She gripped Lauren’s hands as she leaned in to whisper in her ear. “And I’ll make it very convincing.”
Lauren swallowed hard as she stared at the pale, flawless skin of Berit’s neck. It’d take no effort at all to taste it. But Lauren didn’t want to send mixed signals. She knew Berit was out of her league, and she was far below Berit’s standards. They made great friends. She pushed back and said, “I appreciate this, but no funny business.” She turned and walked back to Rebecca, knowing Berit was only a step behind her.