by Rachel Del
He cupped his hand over top of hers.
“Do you miss her?”
“Every single second of every single day.”
“What about your parents? What are they like?”
“My father’s a mechanic out in Vermont with Leah. He’s the standard dad-type,” she said, smiling. “Always outside working with his hands, coming inside asking what’s for dinner, great with the barbecuing but absolutely useless in the kitchen.”
“And your mom?”
Lily spoke the words slowly. “My mother passed away recently. Almost a year ago to the day.”
Most people she had come across never knew what to say at a time like that, and she understood. They had never lost their mothers, or fathers, or someone close to them. She envied them for it. She wished she could be them.
Thomas didn’t know what to say either, but when he took her hand and looked full on into her eyes, she knew that he was hurting because she was hurting.
“Would you tell me about her?”
Lily smiled sadly. “She was so beautiful. The kind of beautiful that takes your breath away. And she was smart, and witty and incredibly creative. She used to keep Leah and I busy as kids coloring and painting and building forts out of anything we could get our hands on. She used to tell us that we could be anything that we put our minds to, but that we should never settle for a life that isn’t spent fulfilling our dreams, whatever they may be.”
“She sounds a lot like you.”
“She would love to hear you say that: everyone always told her that Leah was more like her and I was like my father.”
“Are you kidding? I’ve tasted your cooking.”
Lily laughed from deep within her stomach. “Yet you’re still alive and kicking.”
“It’s going to take a lot more than a runny lasagna to get rid of me.”
“My mom was an incredible cook. Do you know that she never followed a recipe in her life? She said recipes were for bakers. And she loved my father so much. They were the perfect example of two souls who were put on this earth to be together.”
“Do you miss her?”
“Every single second of every single day.”
The service was long, or maybe it just felt that way, and the whispers and sidelong glares from everyone around her had left her feeling raw and exposed. As Lily rose alongside Thomas and his family to walk behind the casket she had begun to truly feel like an outsider. Despite the years that they had shared, the memories they had created together, and the son that they both loved more than anything else in the world, it was clear that she was no longer considered a part of the Gardner family.
Chapter 13
“Tanner, this is Lily Gardner calling from Regan & Wiley again. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for a week now, but it seems we’re playing a little game of cat and mouse. Give me a ring back and let me know when we can get you in to discuss our next steps. Thanks.”
Another unreturned call. The uneasy feeling in the pit of Lily’s stomach worsened. Something wasn’t right. She grabbed her purse and sprang from her chair, heading for Nathan’s office. Without knocking, she walked in, stopped in front of his desk.
“I’ve got to go and try to track him down,” she said. There was no reason for names; he knew who she meant.
“How?”
She turned on her heels. “I don’t know yet,” she said over her shoulder.
If it were a Thursday, she would certainly know where Tanner would be, but she was a day late. As she headed towards Las Vegas Boulevard, cursing at the rush hour traffic, she racked her brain trying to recall her conversations with him in hopes that something would pop up.
She pulled into the parking garage at the Bellagio and turned off the ignition. What was she going to do now? Did she expect him to just magically appear?
She glanced down at her cell phone, absentmindedly scrolling through her contact list, until she landed on a name. Chase Waters.
She hit his office number, connecting the call.
“Mr. Waters’ office, how may I help you?” came a perky voice from the other end of the line.
“Good evening. This is Lily Gardner calling from Regan & Wiley Publishing. I know it’s a little late, but I was wondering if I might be able to speak with Mr. Waters for a moment.”
“I’m sorry, but Mr. Waters is unavailable at the moment, may I—”
“Could you please tell him who is calling?”
“Hold please.”
Lily checked her reflection in the mirror, waiting.
“Lily,” a male voice said suddenly, impatiently.
“Chase, sir, I’m sorry to be calling.”
“What can I do for you, Lily?
“I’m sorry we never had a chance to speak at Susan’s funeral, I—“
“What is it that you need?”
Lily sighed. “I’m kind of up the creek without a paddle unless you can help me out here.”
“Ok…”
“I need to track down Tanner Young.”
“Don’t tell me you’re getting involved with him…”
“He’s chosen to sign with Regan & Wiley. Do you happen to know where I can find him, or have a home number?”
A sigh came from the other end of the line. “You know as well as I do that he cut us loose, Lily.”
“Why do you think I feel so awful about calling?”
“Here I thought it had something to do with you leaving my son.”
“Chase, you know there’s more to the story than what he tells you. But this isn’t the time or the place for this discussion. I—”
“You need a favor from me.”
“Yes,” Lily whispered. It pained her that her relationship with Chase was strained, but at the same time she understood why. She had stood in front of him six long years ago and vowed to be faithful and committed to his son. Despite the steps that had lead up to the end of her marriage, and no matter whose fault it was, she could truly imagine what it felt like to be in his shoes at that moment.
“Here’s all you need to know about Tanner, Lily, and then I really don’t think we have anything else to say to one another unless it involves my grandson. This is the game he plays with all the publishing houses. He has his fun, gets in their heads, listens to their offers and makes them promises he doesn’t intend to keep. Adding Regan & Wiley to the list I’d say he’s up to four houses this time. You think you’re special? You’re just another pawn in his childish little game.”
Lily didn’t know what to say. She was torn between believing his words, or chalking them up to the hurt, anger and resentment that Chase was most certainly feeling. Before she could respond, he spoke again, much quieter this time.
“But if you’re feeling like a masochist, I’m sure you’ll find him at Sapphire tonight. He’s there most weekends.”
“Thank you sir, I—”
“Goodbye Lily.”
__
“Well he’s certainly living up to his label of being notoriously difficult,” Nathan said after Lily reiterated her conversation with Chase.
“Is this really the kind of guy we want on our roster?”
“You know Jason, all he can see are dollar signs. He’s not the one who will have to deal with all his shit anyways, he’s there to kiss Tanner’s ass and count his money all the way to the bank. It’s going to be you and I stuck handing his shit.”
“I hate that you’re right.”
Nathan leaned back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head. “How do you even know Chase Waters?”
Lily cleared her throat. “He’s my father in law.”
Nathan thought for a moment. “What’s with the different last names? That some rich-kid thing?”
“Gardner is Thomas’ mom’s name. I guess his dad wasn’t in the picture for the first few months.”
“How come you didn’t go to work for Waterhouse? Family business and all…”
“There was a time that I was going to… that it was expected
of me. But that’s the thing most people don’t realize about me: I don’t roll over and play dead just because you ask me to.”
She rose from her seat so suddenly that Nathan nearly jumped.
“I can’t just sit here and twiddle my thumbs while Tanner it out there screwing with our heads… and our jobs.”
“Well what do you suppose we do?”
“Not we. I. It’s about what I can do.”
__
Despite growing up in the city, Lily had never before set foot in a Las Vegas strip club, but it was exactly how she imagined it would be. With the music pumping, and half-naked women all around her, she wanted to find Tanner, say what she had to say, and get the hell out of there.
Fortunately, he was easy to spot.
“Tanner Young.”
There were girls surrounding him, some working, others partying. When he caught sight of her, he jumped to his feet with a mix of surprise and excitement.
“Jesus! Lily! How the hell are you?”
It didn’t take a genius to know that he was wasted.
“You have to sit down and have a drink with us!” He frantically tried to wave over a waitress.
“No thank you. Tanner, I need to talk with you, is there somewhere quiet we can go?”
“Not unless you’re going to give me a special lap dance,” he said, his crew of groupies giggling beside him. Lily fought back against the feeling of bile rising in her stomach. If her job weren’t on the line she certainly wouldn’t be there, smiling at him, when all she wanted to do was hit him and make him pay for what he had said about her son.
“Fine,” she said, squeezing in between him and some blonde. “What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?”
“You know what I mean. You know what I’m here for.”
“Relax, Gardner. You’re always so uptight!”
Lily took a deep, calming breath, but inside, she was shaking with disgust. “You’re going to mess this all up if you’re not careful.”
“Oh, what do you know about anything?”
“You think this is all some kind of joke, don’t you? Some silly game.”
“I don’t need to listen to this.”
“No, what you need to hear is that you’re incredibly talented and you’re ruining it. You don’t think word of this kind of crap will get around, but it does. And once it does – when people know what a joke you are – no one will want to touch you, and this amazing career and body of work that you’ve built up? It will mean absolutely nothing. That I can promise you.”
A silence fell between the two of them as Tanner stared down at his shoes. Lily reached out and touched his wrist. The loud, pounding music was beginning to hurt her head.
“I believe in you, Tanner. I believe that you have written some incredible books, and that you’re bound to write many more. But you have to drop the act and be real with people or they are going to see right through you. And they won’t like what they see.”
Lily stood slowly, her eyes locked with his. “I know who you are, because I used to be that person too. You’ve been hurt in the past… you’ve experienced loss… and so you end up playing a role; being the person that you think everyone else wants you to be. But I see through right through you, Tanner.”
Tanner wanted nothing more than to laugh in her face, but he couldn’t get past her words.
“All I want for you are many more years of success, whether it’s with my company or not. But with that being said, if you’re still interested, I suggest you be at our office at ten am sharp Monday morning.”
Tanner watched her walk away until she disappeared into the crowd and out of sight. As his eyes adjusted, he noticed Nathan sitting at the end of the bar, watching him intently. He rose unsteadily and maneuvered his way across the room.
“What the hell are you doing here man?” He asked, slapping his palms onto the bar beside Nathan. Not waiting for an answer, he motioned to the bartender and ordered two shots of whiskey. “This night just got a hell of a lot better.”
“I saw that Lily was here.”
“Jesus, you should have heard her, she’s like an after-school special or something.”
“What’d she have to say?”
“Oh she rattled on about how I’m talented and she sees more success in my future, but that I ‘need to be myself’ or else ‘people are going to see through me.’ Whatever the hell that means.”
“She said all that?”
“Oh, and that I better stop playing games.”
Nathan was silent, but Tanner took no notice.
“Total downer right? She was so cool in Santa Barbara, I don’t know what happened.”
They clinked glasses before downing their shots. “She’s just doing her job, Tanner.”
“Shit, not you too, Trainor!”
Nate raised his hands into the air, acquiescing. “I’m just saying that she’s a smart woman, and she’s incredibly good at what she does, so I’d give a little thought to what she’s telling you.”
Nate knew how the words sounded coming out of his mouth, but he hoped Tanner hadn’t noticed their subtext.
“I’ll tell you what, Nate,” he said, slapping his hand on Nathan’s shoulder. “I’m going to think about it. I’ll think about it long and hard. But first, there’s a brunette over there whose been giving me the eye since I walked over here.”
“Great,” Nathan responding, though he knew Tanner’s words meant little. Chances were that by the morning he wasn’t even going to remember seeing either him or Lily that night.
Chapter 14
“I don’t know, Lily. I think that was a risky move.” He didn’t want to tell her that he had been at Sapphire that night as well; as sure as he was that she would think he was stepping on her toes.
“What have we got to lose? We don’t know that he wasn’t going to go off tomorrow and sign with someone else, or if he already has.”
Nathan was quiet on the other end of the phone.
“What else could we have done, Nate?”
“I don’t know…”
“Exactly,” she said. “You never know, maybe I got through to him.”
“Doubtful.”
Lily let the comment slide. “Anyways, I just wanted to let you know what’s going on. I guess I’ll see you on Monday.”
“Alright.”
“Goodnight Nate.”
“Night.”
Neither Nathan nor Lily hung up right away, the air heavy with all that they wanted to say, but couldn’t. Lily parted her lips to speak, only to sigh moments later.
Finally, Nathan swiped a finger across his phone, ending the call.
That night, he had trouble falling asleep; his night spent with Lily in Santa Barbara playing on repeat in his mind… and the kiss he witnessed stomping out any hope of a future with her.
__
Lily caught sight of Tanner before anyone else and watched as he slowly approached her; the look on his face reminding her of the way her son looked when he did something he wasn’t supposed to. But there was something else, too: an almost unperceivable shift. She knew what he had come to say even before he opened his mouth.
“Good morning Lily.”
Lily looked at her wristwatch. “You’re right on time.”
She rose from her seat. “You remember Nate, and Jason.”
Tanner nodded, shaking each one of their hands and then took a seat at the table opposite from them.
“Before we go any further, I have one final stipulation.”
Nathan rolled his eyes. “And what’s that?”
Tanner pressed his palms flat onto the table in front of him. “I want Lily as my editor. It’s got to be her. She’s the only one I’ve ever known to put me in my place the way she did.”
Jason looked over at Lily and Nathan. “Do I want to know?” he asked, prompting laughter from the others in the room.
“Definitely not,” Nathan said, winking at Lily.
> “Do we have a deal?” Tanner asked.
“That can most definitely be arranged,” Jason said.
“Fan-fucking-tastic. Where do I sign?”
Tanner waited for Lily after the meeting had ended, placing his hand lightly on her shoulder as she stepped out of the room. “Can we chat?”
Lily led him into her office and closed the door behind them.
“I owe you an apology,” Tanner said.
“I don’t think that’s necessary. I meant what I said. I don’t want to see your talent go to waste.”
“Do you know you’re the first person to say that to me? The only person who is genuinely looking out for me and interested in my success?”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“Well it’s true. I appreciate that, I really do. I wish I could say that it will be the first and last time you have to do something like that, but I can’t. I lose my head sometimes, but at least I know I have you watching out for me.”
“Of course.”
Lily forced a smile and took a moment to study him. Something about him was different, though she couldn’t put her finger on it. He actually reminded her of the Tanner she had seen walk into the restaurant weeks earlier, before she had gotten to know the real him in Santa Barbara. Something in him seemed to have changed for the better.
“I know you’re not too fond of personal questions, but I’ve got to ask: what’s up with you and Nate?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” The lie felt foreign coming from her mouth.
“You two were like this two-man show the first night I met you, and then Santa Barbara was great but… strange. And now, you guys just seem awkward and overly polite towards one another.”
Lily stared into his green eyes. Despite how she felt about him; despite the distaste in her mouth, she somehow felt like he was the only one who she could talk to about Nathan. And so against her better judgment, she found herself telling him more.
“It’s complicated,” she said, touching her hand where her rings used to be.