When he reached down and unbuckled her seat belt, then pulled her out of the car, her heart rate spiked. She jerked her arm free of his grip. “Let go of me! You can’t do this. Police have to have a reason to yank someone out of their car.”
Wrong thing to say, Emma thought. Brad’s eyes looked like green lasers that could burn right through her. “This has nothing to do with me being a cop. It has to do with you and me, Emmaline. I want to know why my girlfriend would pack up and take off without so much as a good-bye, without thinking she owes me, or the other people who care about her, an explanation.”
“I don’t owe anyone anything. And I’m not your girlfriend.”
His gaze narrowed and he grabbed her by the upper arms, bringing her to her toes so they were eye to eye. “The hell you’re not. You know damn well we’re together. So cut the crap and tell me what’s going on.”
“I can’t. It’s none of your business.”
He looked like he’d been smacked in the face. He dropped her to her feet, and, hands fisted, stepped back as if he couldn’t trust himself to remain in control if he was near her. “Can’t or won’t, Emma? You’re in some kind of trouble but you don’t have to face it alone.”
She looked at him and knew she was jeopardizing the best thing in her life. Feeling the despair of reality, she said quietly, “I am alone, Brad. I’ve always been alone. The phone call was only a reminder. I was wrong to let you care when I can’t return those feelings.”
His expression went blank.
She held out her hand. “I want my keys back. I have a long drive.”
***
Two long days later Emma returned. She felt hollowed out but composed. For another three years she could put that part of her life away. She could feel safe and try to build her new life away from any reminders of where she had once been.
Unlocking her front door, she wondered if Dory had stayed or gone to her parents’ house. The late-afternoon sun slanted golden light through the trees and Emma realized she’d missed her new home. She’d missed the smell of the pines and the light of the sun reflecting off the lake. She also missed the friends she’d made. But now she would have to face those friends, the friends she had left without trusting with a reason. Brad would be the hardest to face. But she’d explain to him and when he knew he would see why they had no future together.
Exhausted, she left her duffel next to the closet and collapsed onto her bed. She’d lay here for a few minutes, get the wheels to stop spinning around in her brain. She closed her eyes, letting her mind drift as she listened to a breeze picking up outside.
Heavy pounding awakened her. Groggy and disoriented she looked at the clock. She’d been asleep nearly an hour.
“Emmaline! Open the door!” The front doorknob rattled, and she sat up when heavy footsteps sounded from the office.
Brad stopped at the bedroom doorway while Emma’s heart thudded. Most of all, she’d missed him, his intensity, his compassion, just being with him.
She thought he might haul her up out of bed but he held himself in check, gripping the doorframe. He wore a dark green chambray shirt with the sleeves turned up to the elbows and his dark hair looked windblown like he’d had the car window down. He looked amazing. “Are you okay?” The words were terse.
Emma nodded. She needed a minute to prepare, before she did what she had to do. Driving all those miles she’d had nothing but time to think and had made her decision. It stared her in the face, repulsive and vile, but now was the time.
“Would you put on some water for tea? I need a few minutes.”
He gave her a measured stare, then a curt nod before turning away.
Emma took a quick shower and pulled on some old jeans and a knit top. Brad poured steaming water into ceramic mugs when she entered the kitchen. He gave her a searching look. “Have a seat.” He set the mugs on the table. “Do you want anything to eat?”
Since she had missed lunch she could do with something in her stomach to combat the queasiness brought by nerves. She got up to retrieve a bag of cookies from the cabinet.
“Will you tell me what’s going on?”
For the first time, Emma noticed his eyes were shadowed with fatigue. The alert vitality that always seemed such an intrinsic part of him was subdued.
She bit into a Nutter Butter. “I went to the state prison at Vacaville.”
“Why?”
“To testify at the parole hearing for the cop who tried to rape me when I was thirteen.” She refused to look away from the grim expression on his face. “We were successful. His parole was denied, and he won’t be eligible for another three years.”
He raised his hands like he wanted to reach out to her but held back. She sat immobile, not letting the spark of compassion in his eyes melt the reserve she’d steadily rebuilt around herself on her trip.
Looking into the face of the man who had attacked her, who had ended her childhood so violently, had been the reminder she had needed. While she had left that behind her to build a new life, she still bore the scars that were constant reminders of what she was and where she’d come from.
“Tell me what happened.”
Emma nudged the cookies toward him but he ignored them, his tea untouched, his attention focused solely on her.
Emma braced herself. Once she said the words he would understand why they couldn’t be together. It was better to tell him now before his feelings for her grew stronger. Emma understood Brad enough to know that once he loved a woman she would become the center of his universe. He would need the unity of marriage, the love of family. Yearnings she hadn’t even known she possessed rose and Emma fought them back. He deserved those things with someone wholesome and undamaged.
She took a sip of tea, then keeping her gaze steady, she began. “My mom was lousy at picking out men. But one thing she tried to do was make sure none of them ever messed with me. And mostly they didn’t, at least until Sonny.” Emma fought down the return of the greasy knot that had formed in her stomach when she’d stepped into the parole hearing.
“Tell me about Sonny.” He reached out a hand, calloused palm up and she stared at it. Unable to resist, she placed her hand in that warm grip. Holding onto him, she continued.
“Sonny was huge, this big bastard with tattoos across his shoulders and down his arms. He wore those shirts called wife beaters so people could see his tats. It was apt because he liked to beat up on my mom.”
Brad’s only reaction was a reflexive tightening of his hand around hers. “That’s why you let Dory stay. Gave her a job. It’s because you saw your mother in her.”
“No, my mom chose that life. In Dory I saw someone strong enough to fight against the hopelessness and misery. That’s why I hired Dory and gave her a place to stay.”
He nodded. “Did he hit you, Emmaline?”
She sucked in a deep breath and continued. “One night Mom and Sonny came in our room. We were staying at this motel in the Valley. They’d been partying with some people down the hall. They were both flying pretty high. They came in, laughing, talking loud, and it woke me up. Sonny was mad because I was there and, looking back, I think he’d been planning on getting lucky. Mom told him he’d have to leave and he started to scream at her, said the only thing she cared about was her stupid kid. He hit her, split her lip.”
“What did you do?”
Staring at their joined hands, she answered. “I grabbed something to hit him with. He backhanded me, gave me a black eye.”
“Emmaline.”
She refused to acknowledge the steady compassion in his gaze.
“I just wish I’d hit him harder. Mom started screaming at him and pretty soon the cops were there. The upshot was Sonny got arrested for assault and Mom for child endangerment. Both of them got nabbed for being under the influence.” Emma felt like she was reading someone else’s story. “And since I wasn’t cooperating I was handed off to this other cop who cuffed me.”
“Some cops are idiots.”
> “Maybe. He cuffed me, put me in his patrol car.” She paused, breathing deep to unravel the tightness in her chest and get through the next part. “The cop’s name was Spelling. He was supposed to take me to the station, where I would be processed and assigned to a foster family. But he didn’t.”
Brad’s thumb rubbed against her knuckles. When she hesitated, he said, “Get it out, Emmaline.”
“He pulled into a deserted warehouse area. We sat in that patrol car and I saw how he was looking at me and I got really scared. He said how he could make things easier for me if I was nice to him. If I let him do things to me.” Taking another steadying breath, Emma continued. “He took me into the alley, ripped open my shirt. I think I went crazy. I tried to bite him. I was still cuffed and he when he bent down to pull down my pants I kneed him in the face.”
Calmed by Brad’s steady gaze, the rest of the story came out in a rush. “He hit me and I went down. The look in his eyes scared me so much. He kept hitting me and then he was unbuckling his belt. He was going to rape me. I knew that much. Then another patrol car pulled up and this other cop, his name was Rob Hernandez, got out.” She felt the nausea rolling in her stomach and wished she hadn’t eaten the cookie.
“Spelling was scared; he started sweating. I remember that. It was a hot July night, he was breathing heavy and his nose was bleeding from where I’d kneed him. I don’t think he noticed. He leaned close to whisper he’d kill me if I said a word. And then Rob was there. Spelling tried to tell him how I’d tried to run. Of course my shirt was torn so it was pretty unbelievable.”
She hated going through it all again, but in a way it was cathartic. “Spelling tried to pull rank. Rob was a rookie and Spelling told him to leave, to respect the blue line and forget anything he thought he’d seen. But Rob was having none of it. He started to ask questions and then they were yelling at each other. Other cops came and then Rob went wild. He started to punch Spelling, called him names I’d never heard before. The other cops pulled him back. I remember Rob shaking them off, getting himself under control. Then he came to me. He was so gentle. He kept talking to me, told me I’d be all right. He picked me up and put me in his car. Then he took me to the hospital.”
Emma rubbed where her temple had begun to throb. “Rob Hernandez is the one who called to let me know about the parole hearing. He met me there.”
“He sounds like a good man, a good cop.”
“Yeah, he is. In some ways you remind me of him. You both have this innate honor, this integrity that all the ugliness in this world can’t touch.”
He held her gaze for a moment before looking down at where his fingers intertwined with hers. “Did you get counseling?”
Emma nodded. “For a while. I was in foster care until my mom was released and the foster lady took me to see a therapist.” She sighed. “I was so angry I went a little nuts for a while. Got into trouble at school, ended up getting arrested a couple of times. Mostly for breaking things. But Rob would come and see me and he finally straightened me out. Got a lawyer to seal my record. I got my act together and graduated high school, but what helped me the most was visiting my grandpa after graduation. I felt like I could be who I am here.”
“You didn’t tell Walt what happened?”
“No. It would have killed him. I wanted to be myself here, not have people constantly looking at me, knowing all the stuff that happened. Waiting for me to go to pieces.”
“I’m not waiting for you to go to pieces, Emmaline. You’re the most amazing woman I know.” He paused, eyes calm. “It’s no wonder I’m in love with you.”
Emma tore her hand from his grip and surged to her feet, backing away from the table. “Are you crazy? Didn’t you hear a word I said?” Her heart thudded heavily.
“I heard every word. Maybe I shouldn’t have laid this on you right now. But you need to know what you’ve told me doesn’t change how I feel about you. If anything, it only strengthens it. You’ve only confirmed for me that you are the strongest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.”
“No, no, no! You don’t understand! I told you this so you could see why we can’t be together, why we’re totally wrong for each other.”
His expression remained unwavering. “Emmaline, I’m in love with you, have been since the first moment I saw you.”
He rose from the table and stood watching her, hands on hips. “Do you really think what you told me would make me love you any less?”
Emma shook her head in denial. “You can’t love me. I don’t love you. You have to leave.”
“Of course you love me, you just need time to accept it. You wouldn’t be so upset if you didn’t love me.”
“I get upset when I stub my toe. That doesn’t mean I love stubbing my toe.” Emma crowded back against the sink when he took a step toward her. “Go home, Brad.”
He kept advancing until he stood in front of her. His eyes held a challenge when he reached up to touch her face.
“Brad, no.”
He looked deep into her eyes, then dropped his hands. “Okay. I’m sleeping in Badger cabin tonight. Get some rest, Emmaline.”
Brad’s truck was gone when Emma awoke the next morning. Figuring it was for the best, she trudged over to Black Bear. It was time for atonement. Adrian sat on the porch steps, a magnifying glass in one hand and a pile of rocks beside him. “Hi, Adrian. Are you enjoying your Saturday morning without school?”
“Yeah! No school means I can do other stuff. Look, Emma, I can see facets in these rocks.” He held up a piece of quartz. She examined it through the glass where it reflected the morning sun. She heard the screen door creak as Dory stepped out. Her friend looked at her curiously.
“How’s it going?”
Emma straightened, amazed Dory was still speaking to her. “You’re not mad at me?”
With Adrian looking on curiously, Dory motioned Emma inside. In her sunny kitchen, Dory crossed to the sink where she’d been washing dishes. The room smelled of green-apple dish soap. Dory handed Emma a towel, then held a sudsy bowl under running water.
“I’m not mad. I was a bit, at first. Then I remembered how it was before I left Rodrigo. Sometimes you make decisions based on emotions, on fear. I won’t judge you for that.” She handed Emma the dripping bowl. “You know you can talk to me when you’re ready.”
The uncomplicated support left her humbled. She’d gotten it from Brad and now from Dory. Maybe that was what friends did. For some reason it made her teary. She leaned against the counter, sucked in a breath, and blew it out to get her emotions under control. “Wow. I got through the whole thing with Brad yesterday without blubbering and now I’m getting all leaky.”
“You told Brad?”
“Yeah, he was a rock. Steady. Nonjudgmental.” She sniffed. “But I don’t think he gets the conclusion like I do.”
Dory rinsed the utensils then dumped the dishwater. “Brad’s like that. When things get tough, he stays cool. What doesn’t he get?”
“That we can’t be together.” Even now the idea struck her with gloom, her future a lonely landscape.
Dory eyed her doubtfully. “Why is that?”
Emma shook her head. “I have my reasons. I can’t go over it again. It’s too depressing.”
Dory seemed to consider that, but then shook her head. Hanging her dishcloth over the rim of the sink, she turned to face Emma. “What you need are your girlfriends. You need a girls’ night out. We’ll go out tonight, have a good time, relax. Then you’ll tell Maddy and me all about it and we will be the wise ones who know what’s best for you. We’ll tell you what to do.”
That forced a laugh from Emma. “Girls’ night out? I’ve never done that.”
“You’ve never had a girls’ night out? Really? Hmm.” She tapped a finger to her chin. “Give me a little time and I’ll figure it out.”
Chapter Eleven
Emma tugged down the borrowed miniskirt to cover more of her butt. “I can’t wear this in public. I just can’t. I�
�ll be arrested for indecency.”
“You can and you will, because you look fantastic.” Maddy gave Emma a thorough scrutiny. “If I had legs like yours, I’d wear it every day. And if you get arrested, I’m sure Brad will spring you. That is, after he pulls his tongue up off the floor.” She smiled. “Honey, you’re going to make him drool.”
Emma turned to glare at Maddy. “I thought we were having girls’ night out. I’m not dressing for Brad; we’re not even going to see him.”
“You never know who you will bump into,” Dory said, sailing into the room with strappy heels dangling from her fingers. “It’s a good thing you two wear the same size; these shoes of Maddy’s should fit you.”
They were in Maddy’s small cottage on the outskirts of town. Having declared Emma’s wardrobe hopeless, Dory had quickly arranged for Adrian to sleep over at his grandparents’ and called to warn Maddy they were on their way.
“We could have girls’ night out right here,” Emma suggested hopefully. “We could dress in our PJs, order pizza, and watch a chick flick.” Anything that didn’t require her to wear this little swatch of cloth which was again inching its way north.
“That could be fun but that’s movie night,” Maddy responded. “This is girls’ night, which requires a short skirt, a good bra, and heels.”
“Crap.”
With her friends laughing, Emma tried on the heels.
“We’re going here? Isn’t this place dangerous?” When her friends continued across the gravel parking lot to the Hangman’s Brew Pub, Emma tried not to wobble on the heels. “Remember last week? Bullets flying?”
“Brad wouldn’t tolerate a dangerous bar in Hangman’s Loss. And only one bullet flew. That dustup with Britt and Ralphie was stupid, but Brad dealt with it. Besides,” said Maddy, “since Ralphie violated the terms of his bail with that fight at the picnic, he’s in lockup. It’s not like there’s a shooter loose in the area.” Maddy grabbed Emma’s arm when she teetered precariously.
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