by Holly Jacobs
He thanked Paula, and sat for a moment, trying to absorb what she’d said.
“The nurse said you were in here.” Stephan turned and found Carolyn’s mother standing in the doorway. “I wanted to see you before I went to see my daughter.”
“Hello, Mrs. Kendal. What did you need?”
“I need you to tell me what’s going on. All I could make out was that Emma blinked, and Carolyn’s beside herself.”
“It’s a little more than that, Mrs. Kendal. Please sit down.” He ran through everything with Carolyn’s mother finishing with, “She was right to believe.”
“All Emma’s doing is blinking and squeezing hands?”
“She’s following commands. It means she’s trying to get well. Carolyn was right to believe,” he repeated. “But the hard part’s not done yet. There’s still a long row to hoe.”
Mrs. Kendal nodded. “Has Ross been here at all?”
“Not since I came. Emma hasn’t had any visitors except you. Carolyn’s friends from work wanted to come, but she asked them not to.”
“It’s a long time to expect most people to keep believing. I know coming here is very hard on Carolyn’s father and myself.”
Stephan felt a wave of anger. When he was young, Carolyn’s parents and their quiet reserve had been the balm of his youth. Their house was so different than his own, which was noisy, constantly crazy, and full of male bravado. But now, Mrs. Kendal didn’t just seem reserved, she seemed withdrawn. Self-centered even. “Hard? You don’t know hard. What’s hard is having the people you love, the people you need, turn away from you.”
“I never…we never—”
Stephan interrupted her. He didn’t want to hear her excuses. “You left Carolyn high and dry.”
“You were here, and it’s far to come from Columbus.”
“I’d like to be understanding, to try and make you feel better, but I can’t do that.” She should have been there for Carolyn and Emma.
“And I can never forgive myself.” For the first time since he’d known her, she looked nervous. “Do you think Carolyn can forgive me?”
Stephan’s anger evaporated. “Listen, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things.”
“You’re right. Shel and I aren’t very good at showing our emotions. I always envied your parents and their swooping hugs. It sounds stupid, but I never quite knew how to manage that. You’re right. I should have been here with Carolyn, but the truth is, I had given up on Emma, and now I’m not sure Carolyn will ever forgive me for that.”
“Knowing Carolyn, she probably already has. But Mrs. Kendal, don’t go in there if you’re just going to leave again. She needs you.”
“My daughter has never needed me. She’s never listened to me.” She lowered her voice. “We hadn’t been talking, but when Emma had her accident, we came right here.”
“Why weren’t you talking?” Carolyn hadn’t mentioned that to him.
“You must know that she’s filed for a divorce from her husband. It might have gone through by now, for all I know. I’m sure she wouldn’t tell me. We offered to pay for a therapist, to help them find a minister, to do whatever it takes to keep them together, but she said no.”
“Carolyn’s a grown woman,” he reminded her.
He remembered his own parents, and how important their support had been when he’d gone through his breakup with Ardith. He wasn’t sure how he’d have managed it without them.
Carolyn’s parents had left her to go through hers on her own. He wished he’d known, that he could have been there for her then. “You just walked away from her because she didn’t do what you felt she should?”
“I do know that she’s an adult, but that doesn’t make her immune from making mistakes. Leaving Ross was a mistake. She made a vow. They have a child.”
“But she doesn’t love him.” He could sympathize with that. His engagement to Ardith had been a mistake from the beginning. They were so very different, and wanted very different things. Their engagement had lasted three years. It took that time for them to come to terms with the idea they’d made a mistake. It had been a painful, but cordial breakup, and that in itself showed how little real connection they’d shared. “You can make almost anything work, given that you love each other. But if you don’t?” He shook his head.
Mrs. Kendal brushed that fact aside. “Emma needs and deserves both her parents. We tried to teach Carolyn right from wrong, and she disregarded us.”
“She didn’t listen to you about Emma, either, and she was right. Maybe it’s time to admit she’s an adult, and just love and support her. Let her make her own decisions, and just be there for her. She does need you.”
“You’re wrong.”
He could see where Carolyn got her stubbornness from. But Carolyn had never been one to cling unreasonably to things.
There was no changing Mrs. Kendal’s mind, at least not today. So he settled for asking, “May I take you in?”
She nodded.
CAROLYN LOOKED UP TO see Stephan usher her mother into Emma’s room. “Mom, you’re here.” She offered her mother a tentative smile, then waited to see her response.
Her mom merely nodded. “I got your message and we came right away.”
“I’m so glad you did. Is Dad here, too?”
“He’s parking the car and will be up in a minute.”
“Emma,” Carolyn said, leaning over the little girl. “Grandma came to see you. Come over where she can get a good look at you, Mom.”
Her mother came, hesitantly, to the side of the bed.
“Emma, Grandma’s here. Can you blink your eyes for her?” Carolyn prompted.
Emma blinked.
Carolyn smiled, then turned to her mom, wanting to see excitement in her mother’s expression, but instead of oohing and ahhing, her mother gave her a look that said, that’s it? It was the same expression Carolyn used to get if she brought home a B instead of an A on a test. The same expression she got when she won second place in a gymnastic competition rather than a first.
“Mom, she’s coming out of the coma, she’s trying to get back to us,” she tried. “Say something.”
“Emma…” Her mother looked lost.
Carolyn tried to help her out. “Tell her you’re waiting for her.”
“Your grandfather and I are waiting for you, Emma.”
That was it? That was all her mother had to say?
Her mother had never been one to gush. Who was Caro kidding? Her mother had barely expressed any emotion.
Carolyn swallowed her disappointment. She wasn’t sure why she’d allowed herself to hope that this time, things would be different. They never were.
Her father quickly entered the room. “Carolyn, Stephan,” he said with nods to each, as he made a beeline to Emma’s bedside. “Emma, your mom says you’re getting better.”
“She blinked,” his wife said.
“Blinked?”
“That’s it. She blinks on command.”
Her father looked at Carolyn. “You called to tell us she can blink on command?”
Stephan came and stood at Carolyn’s side. “It’s a very good sign. Both Dr. Westley here, and Dr. Patterson, a topnotch doctor in Detroit we’ve been consulting, say it’s a positive step. Emma’s coming out of her coma. She’s not going to just wake up and start talking, but it’s good news.”
He smiled at Carolyn as he said the words, and she managed a whisper of a smile in return, which she knew had been his intent.
“It’s going to take time,” Stephan continued. “Time and a lot of patience, right, Emma? But your grandparents are here waiting for you,” he said to Emma, then looked at Caroline’s parents as if daring them to disagree.
“Yes,” Carolyn’s father said. “We’re waiting for you, Emma.”
They stayed another hour. The conversation was stilted; none of them seemed to know what to say. They’d have been lost without Stephan running interference. He asked her parents about their jobs at the
college, about their lives in Columbus. They answered, but in an uncomfortable manner.
Finally, they made noises about how far they had to drive, said their goodbyes and left.
Carolyn watched them go, and admitted to herself that they would never be the type of parents she wanted them to be: warm, loving and open. She admonished herself not to hope they would be something they couldn’t be.
If you loved someone, it meant accepting them on their own terms. She did it so easily with Emma, but with her parents, it was harder.
Carolyn turned to Stephan. “Thanks for the help.”
“There’s nothing to thank me for. I’m in this.” He took her hand and squeezed it three times.
Carolyn squeezed his in return.
CHAPTER SIX
“HAVEN REHABILITATION HOSPITAL,” Stephan said, handing Carolyn a brochure. “It’s here in Cleveland, Dr. Westley recommended it, and Paula says it’s fantastic. They specialize in children with brain injuries. There’s a waiting list, but Paula called in a few favors and Emma’s got a bed.”
The time Carolyn had been waiting for had arrived, and rather than jubilation, she felt afraid. Scared to make this next move.
“I…”
As always, Stephan sensed her mood. “It’s going to be okay, Carolyn.”
“I believe that.” She hesitated, then added, “Most of the time I believe that. But I don’t know if Emma’s ready.”
The doctor said that Emma’s stroke had meant her right side was weaker than the left, she’d have some motor difficulties, and she might have some language ones, as well. Carolyn tried not to worry about the implications. Whatever the long-term effects, she’d help Emma find away to deal with them. She tried to believe that. Tried to stay positive.
It was always easier when Stephan was with her.
Leaving the hospital meant the emphasis was now on helping Emma get back to being herself.
“Emma’s ready. You’re ready,” Stephan said with far more conviction that Carolyn felt.
“You’re sure?” she asked Stephan, needing his reassurance.
“Yes. Emma’s growing stronger every day, but she needs rehab. Haven offers an intense program. She’ll be busy morning to night. Paula said that kind of concentrated schedule can make all the difference.”
“You’re right, Emma’s ready, but I don’t know if I am. It sounds absurd, but I know the routine here. I know the staff. Ann-Marie for instance. She’s more than the day nurse, she’s a friend. And you’re here. And I know it’s crazy, but I’m not sure if I can handle any more changes.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“But I’ve gotten used to having you around.” She could count on him in a way she’d never been able to count on anyone. Not her parents, and certainly not Ross, who still hadn’t been in to see Emma, even after Caro called and told him about his daughter’s progress.
“I’ll miss you,” she baldly admitted.
“I’ll call every night,” he promised. “And come visit as often as I can.”
“I’m being selfish. You have your own life in Detroit. I don’t know if I’ve said it enough, but you’ve been a godsend. I don’t know how I would have gotten through these last weeks without you.”
“Listen, I’d like nothing better than to pack up and move to Cleveland. Thinking about leaving the two of you is making me nuts. But Caro, I don’t want to ruin what we have. We’ve been thrust into this emotionally charged situation. Some time, some distance…it might help us get perspective.”
Time and distance. “Oh.”
Stupid. She’d thought that there was something growing between her and Stephan. Something more than friendship. Neither of them had said anything about it, but still she’d thought. “Right. You should go. I see.”
“You don’t see. Here’s the thing, Caro, I think I’m falling in love with you. If I’m honest, I’m pretty sure I am. I don’t want to ruin what we could have by rushing it. We have all the time in the world.”
She didn’t know what to say, how to act. “Just like that? Caro, I think I’m falling in love with you? It seems…” She searched for the right word. “Anticlimatic.”
He smiled and took her hand. “Caro, I don’t think it comes as any shock. Maybe I should have waited, done it up right with flowers and a romantic dinner. But by candlelight, or hospital fluorescent, the fact remains, I’m in love with you. I know these haven’t been ideal circumstances—”
She snorted. “You are a master at understatements.”
“But there’s something between us. There always has been. Maybe the time just hasn’t been right. Maybe it’s not now, either. What I don’t want is to rush it, to rush you. Like you said, you can’t take much more change. So, we’ll take it slowly. You’ll concentrate on Emma, and I’ll catch up at work. We’ll talk on the phone, and I’ll visit when I can. And then we’ll see.”
“Do you remember what happened the last time we tried to have a long-distance relationship? We said we’d call, we’d write. We said it was real. But it was transitory. I don’t even remember who stopped writing or calling. But I do remember being at the cottage that following year. I’d graduated and was looking forward to OSU in the fall, and you were starting your sophomore year….
1979
CAROLYN RECALLED HOW MAD she’d been last summer when her parents had forced her to come to Heritage Bay. But sitting on Spencer’s Rock, looking out at the same lake just twelve months later, and those feelings were distant memories.
It seemed as if everything had changed since she graduated. The world was sweeter, more poignant. On the drive out in the backseat of her parents’ Volvo she’d realized that if she came next summer, she’d probably be driving herself, that is, if she could make it at all.
Part of her reveled in the newness. Another part, one she hid from everyone, wanted to cling to what she knew.
It seemed that everywhere she turned, she was confronted with those mixed emotions. Coming here to Heritage Bay was a great example. On the one hand she couldn’t wait to see Stephan, on the other hand, she didn’t know where they stood and she was afraid that their—she never knew what to call last year; affair seemed too mature, summer fling seemed too trivial. Whatever she called it, she was afraid that last summer had messed up their friendship.
Those conflicting emotions were still warring when she arrived at the cottage with her parents. Rather than spend more time worrying, she decided to face her fears head-on, and hurried to Stephan’s. Heart pounding, she’d knocked on the door. But rather than Stephan or one of his brothers, Mrs. Foster had answered with a smile, saying that Stephan wasn’t planning on coming this summer. He’d sent her his regards.
Regards?
She’d only half listened as Mrs. Foster had filled her in on Frank’s new job, and told her that Stephan’s younger brother, George, was there, but even he wasn’t staying long. He was playing football and had to be back in Michigan in a couple of weeks for camp. After Mrs. Foster had run out of steam, Carolyn had headed straight for Spencer’s Rock. She needed to sort things out.
He’d sent his regards?
The first wave of disappointment gave way to a sense of relief. After last year’s summer fling and botched long-distance relationship, meeting this summer would have been awkward. Their friendship was bound to have changed. And she wasn’t sure if she could stand that with Stephan. His friendship had been a mainstay throughout her life, and she didn’t want to find out she’d lost that.
So maybe more time would help, she’d decided, and she’d felt better as she’d left the rock. By the time they met up again, their lifelong friendship would surely outweigh the momentary blip last summer.
Time no longer dragged at the cottage and Carolyn had hated the quiet, but it moved along at a proper pace. She read, spent time with her parents and was surprised to realize that she liked them. They were quiet and bookish, and she knew that was probably an apt description of herself.
She enjoyed her so
litude on the beach, heading to Spencer’s Rock every evening to watch the sunset. But two weeks into her vacation, that’s where she’d found Stephan, sitting on the rock waiting for her.
He’d looked up and smiled. “Hi, Elf. You’re late.”
She felt a spurt of pure pleasure. He was here. Part of her wanted nothing more than to launch herself into his arms. On the heels of the impulse came an awkwardness that left her rooted in the sand. “Hi, Stephan,” she finally managed.
He stood. “What, no hug for an old friend?”
Not wanting to hug him, but knowing things would be more awkward if she didn’t, Carolyn walked into his open arms. “I didn’t think you were coming. Your mom said you weren’t coming, that you’d sent me your regards.”
The word almost choked her.
“It doesn’t sound as good when you say it like that. I wasn’t sure what to say…” He let the sentence die.
Carolyn smiled, to let him know she’d forgiven him the word. “Yeah, I get that. Me, too, I guess.”
He nodded, obviously understanding what she was trying to say. She jumped back onto the rock, and he followed.
They sat side by side, thigh touching thigh, just as they had so many nights a year ago, but now, it was different; Carolyn had suspected it would be.
“I can’t stay,” Stephan said. “I’m doing an internship at Dad’s law firm, but I wanted to get down at least for a weekend while you were here.”
“Oh?” She wanted to ask why, wanted to say something about last summer, wanted to make things the way they were, but nothing was the way it was.
“I know things didn’t work out the way we thought, but Caro, you have to know that I’ve always treasured your friendship. If I’d known last year’s…” He hesitated, obviously as unsure as she was how to name it. In the end, he didn’t even try. “If I’d known, I never would have allowed anything to happen. At first, I’d thought it could be just a fling, but it wasn’t that. Then I tried to believe we could find a way to make it work.” He took her hand. “I really wanted to think we could make it work.”