by Holly Jacobs
Her momentary happiness clearly evaporated. “Why can’t you let it go, Stephan? Why?”
“Because I don’t get it, the explanations you offer aren’t the whole of it and you won’t explain. You’re a fantastic mom. You should be surrounded by dozens of children. You always said you wanted a big family, that you hated being an only child. Just tell me why.”
“Don’t you see? What if we had more children and…” She let the sentence die off, hanging here.
Stephan did see. “It’s Emma, isn’t it? What if we had another child who was injured, or hurt?”
She nodded. “I hate to admit it even to myself, but yes. I don’t think I could do it again. Whenever she wasn’t with me, I worried myself sick. Scared that something else would happen and I wouldn’t be there to save her. There’s just one of her. If there were more?”
“Carolyn, you can’t live your life by what-ifs. Don’t you see, we’d do just fine? That first summer after Emma’s accident, we were here at the cottage and you said something about how life is never normal for long. It’s constantly changing and that maybe life is really about finding a series of new normals. That’s how we measure if a change is worth it…are you willing to find a new normal for it? I’m ready to find a new normal with a baby because I think it’s worth it. No matter what that means, no matter the hurdles we may have to overcome, we’d get through it because we have each other. We’d find a way to take whatever happens and make a new normal.”
“Why take the chance? We’re getting older, so who even knows if we’d manage to get pregnant. Why put ourselves in the position for more pain?”
“Carolyn, life’s about chances. About trusting that things will work out, even when everything says they won’t. That’s what you did with Emma when she was sick. You trusted, you believed, despite all evidence to the contrary. That’s what you did when you came to me despite your parents’ objection, despite the fact Ross wanted you back. You came to me because you believed in us. You followed your heart. Believe in us again. Listen to your heart. What’s it telling you?”
She didn’t answer his question, instead she countered with, “And what if something happens?”
“Carolyn, life happens, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not, but no matter what, there’s one constant you can count on. Me. I’m always here for you. You’re always here for me. We’ll both always be here for Em, and for any other children.”
“Children?” She shook her head. “Child. That’s all you asked for. A child. I need to think.”
“I’m not very patient. I know that.”
She laughed. “That is an understatement.”
“But I’ll try to be. Think about what I said. And follow your heart. I think having another child is worth the chance. But if you don’t…If you really can’t, then I’ll back off. I think I’ve forgotten what’s really important,” he admitted. “No, I don’t think. I know.”
“What’s that?”
“You and me.” He took her hand, and squeezed it three times. She squeezed back.
“If you say no this time, I’ll drop it,” he promised. “But I still think you’d be a great mom. And I know Em would love to be a big sister.”
“She says that now, but she’s heading into her teens. Take all those hormones, add a baby sibling, and…well, I don’t know if her enthusiasm will last for long.”
“I’m willing to risk it. I guess the question has to be, are you?”
He’d done his best, and all that was left was allowing Carolyn to process things. It was in his nature to push, but this once, he was going to sit back and just let it be. “If you don’t say anything, then I’ll know.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
IT WAS LIKE AN ELEPHANT in the middle of the living room.
Stephan hadn’t said another word about having a child.
He didn’t have to because it was all Carolyn could think about. Well, not all. She thought about their past. She thought about everything they’d gone through—the years they were together, and the years they were apart.
She thought about how lonely she’d been as an only child, and of her dreams of a huge family.
She thought about the day they came to tell her that Emma was in the hospital.
It had been two weeks since their cottage weekend, and she didn’t feel as if she was any closer to an answer for him. Or an answer for herself.
She found a parking place in front of the school and thankfully snagged it. Parking was always tough, but it was especially bad when there was something going on. Today was a big event in the school year, the final awards ceremony.
Emma had practically bubbled over this morning, checking with them both that they’d be there. Even calling Ross to be sure he was coming.
The auditorium was crowded when Carolyn walked in. She spotted Stephan, standing up, obviously watching for her. She rushed toward him.
“Hey, you,” he said, leaning down and lightly kissing her cheek. “Ross and Karen are here.” He pointed two rows up. Ross, his new wife, three-year-old son, Devon, and two-year-old Regan were there.
Ross turned, spotted her and waved.
Carolyn waved back. She couldn’t help but notice how big Devon and Regan were getting. Cute. They both looked like Emma. The same startling blue eyes on all three of them.
She could tell they were siblings.
She wondered if she had a baby with Stephan would he or she look like Emma? Would people see them together and know they were siblings? Or would the baby look more like Stephan? Would he or she have those same muddy brown eyes and the same stubborn cowlick?
The lights went down and the stage lit up. The principal, Ms. Jane, was in front of the mike. “I want to thank all our parents and friends for joining us today. Our school year is winding down, and it’s been a great one. Our students have all worked hard, and we’re here to recognize some of their achievements today. Let’s start with the kindergarten. They had a jump-a-thon for juvenile diabetes and raised over a thousand dollars. Kindergarten?”
Two of the other teachers joined the principal on stage, and they made a great show of giving every member of the class a certificate. They were beaming. Little faces, some cleaner than others, shining with delight as they all held on to their pieces of paper.
Carolyn remember Emma at that age. Before the accident.
Emma had beaten the odds. She was here.
Classes were called onstage, one by one. Certificates of participation and honor rolls were handed out. Proud children stood center stage, proud parents ran to the front of the auditorium and took pictures.
Emma’s fifth-grade class was second from the end. Next year she’d be in grade six and she’d move to the top floor. She was so excited about being in middle school.
It seemed like just yesterday she was one of those round-faced kindergarteners.
“Emma Adams, first honors, all four quarters.”
Emma walked across the stage, her limp so slight that most people would never notice it. She was grinning from ear to ear as she took the certificate. She looked right at Carolyn and Stephan and lifted the paper a little higher, as if to say, “See, look what I did.” She looked at Ross and Karen, Devon and Regan, as well.
“She was just complaining about being stupid the other day,” Carolyn whispered. “Now, look at her.”
“She’s growing up so fast,” Stephan whispered back.
She was.
She was growing up, which meant growing away, becoming her own person. Independent.
That’s what Carolyn had always wanted. Always fought for. But it was hard.
When the assembly ended, they all filed out. Ross, his wife and kids were waiting. “She’s amazing, isn’t she?” he said by way of a salutation.
“We did good.”
He nodded. “Yeah, we did. I’m going to pick her up at six-thirty on Saturday, if that’s all right.”
“I’ll have her ready after dinner, then.”
“No, not 6:3
0 p.m.—6:30 a.m.”
“Why on earth would you want to get her that early?”
“You’re the one who suggested golfing. A friend has older kids and gave me their old youth set. We’re going to go and give it a shot.”
“She’ll be thrilled.”
“Well, they’re kind of used-looking, but if she finds she likes it, I’ll buy her a new set for Christmas.”
“I so hope she likes it,” Karen said. “Then I won’t have to feel guilty for not going out with him. It’s hard with the kids being so little.”
Devon was busy trying to escape Karen’s hand, while Regan wrapped her mother’s leg in a death-grip, hiding her face from all the people.
“I imagine it is,” Carolyn murmured, hit with a wave of longing.
“Don’t let her fool you,” Ross said, “even before the kids, she so wasn’t morning people.”
He gave Carolyn a look that said he remembered she was a morning person. Then he looked back at Karen and the love between them was palpable.
“Not that Ross is a morning person, either, except when golf’s involved,” Carolyn said.
Carolyn was thrilled that Ross had found someone. Karen was everything he should have, and she genuinely loved Emma.
“Ah, that was my secret plan,” Karen admitted with a laugh. “Have a few kids to get out of playing golf. Of course, I’m still up at six, but it’s for a much better reason,” she teased.
“Mom, Dad,” Emma called. “Hey, Devon and Ray-Ray, did you guys come to see your big sister?”
Devon squealed with delight and went willingly into Emma’s arms. “Em, Em, Em,” he chanted.
Regan continued to hide against Karen’s leg, but she turned her head slightly and smiled at her big sister.
Watching Emma cuddling Devon, seeing how she loved her little brother so openly, so easily, Carolyn suddenly had the answer she’d been so desperately looking for.
Stephan had asked her to follow her heart.
Looking at all of them, her family, she knew…she was about to go looking for a new normal.
She felt excited to the point of exploding, barely able to hold on to the secret. But she would, for a little while longer.
It was almost time to head to the cottage. Stephan had two weeks off from work, and now that Emma was done with school, they were planning to spend the time there.
She couldn’t imagine a better place to tell him, a better gift to give him.
STEPHAN ALWAYS LOVED heading for the cottage. As a child, his family had come down from the northwest, now, he traveled from the southeast. Instead of being crammed into the backseat with Frank and George, he drove, with Carolyn next to him and Emma behind them.
Yes, things had changed, but the sense of anticipation was the same.
It didn’t matter whether he lived in Detroit or Cleveland, the cottage in Heritage Bay was home.
Things had been so much better between him and Carolyn the last few weeks. She seemed more relaxed. Happier even. He attributed it to his promise to stop pressing her for more children. As much as he hated letting go of the idea of a bigger family, seeing Carolyn so content helped assuage his disappointment.
“There it is,” Emma yelled from the backseat, just in case they both missed the sign to exit for Port Clinton and Heritage Bay.
Carolyn seemed as excited as Emma.
“Deep breaths, you two,” he said. “We’ll be there in a few more minutes.”
“But Uncle Stephan, I can’t wait. It’s a perfect day for chasing shadows, right, Mom?”
He’d heard Carolyn tell Emma that story countless times. And he’d heard Emma wistfully wish someday she could catch one. She’d grown so much stronger, but running was not her forte. She’d spent last summer chasing every shadow that raced across the beach, but had never managed to catch one. She’d refused to try for the slower ones. She wanted the best or nothing at all. It was the uncompromising determination that had allowed her to surpass the doctor’s most optimistic prognoses. She’d been disappointed, but kept trying until their last day, and it appeared that she planned to pick up this summer where she’d left off.
He looked out the window at the huge puffy clouds in the sky and the trees lining the highway and bending beneath the weight of the wind. “Yes, it is a perfect day.”
“I hope I can finally catch one.”
“It took your mom and me a long time to catch ours.” He glanced at Carolyn, who shot him a smile.
Yes, things were better.
“I’m going to keep trying until I do.”
He glanced in the mirror at her expression. An expression he knew so well. Carolyn had worn it often as they grew up. When she’d tossed him the life ring, when she’d told him Emma would wake up. Stubborn. Very, very stubborn.
Like mother, like daughter.
“I know, someday you will, Em. And we’ve got two weeks now, and a bunch of long weekends this summer at the cottage. You’ll have plenty of time to try.”
“I’ll get one,” Emma promised.
They pulled up in front of the cottage. For so many years it had been Carolyn’s parents’ place. Now it was theirs. His parents would be out on Saturday, and George and Frank had promised to come by, as well. If Carolyn’s family made it in, they’d have a family reunion.
“Let’s get this unloaded,” he said. Carolyn and Emma also shared a penchant for overpacking. “We’ll be lucky if we get all your stuff unpacked before it’s time to head back to Cleveland.”
“We didn’t bring that much,” Carolyn protested.
“Could we go chase shadows first?” Emma begged. “I’ll help carry everything in as soon as we’re done.”
Stephan knew that Emma’s unpacking the car wouldn’t be one of her fondest memories, but chasing shadows might. “Let’s go.”
They went to the back of the house to the pebbly shore. “Pick your spot, Em,” Carolyn hollered. “Uncle Stephan and I are going to sit here and be your cheering section.”
“Okay.” She ran into the middle of the beach. “I’m ready. Tell me when.”
They waited until Stephan spotted a large white cloud moving rapidly overhead. “Here comes a great one, Emma.”
She stood poised. “Tell me when.”
“When,” Stephan called.
“Run, Em, run,” Carolyn said at the same time.
Big waves crashed onto the beach, the wind whipping them into a frenzy. Em dodged them as she ran, chasing the shadow that raced ahead of her.
In the end, the shadow won.
Emma walked down the beach, a smile on her face. “Did you see that? I almost caught it this time. Maybe next time.”
“You did great, honey. And it doesn’t matter if you won, it just matters—”
“That I tried,” Emma finished.
Carolyn laughed and hugged her. “That’s right.”
Stephan watched the two of them. After all his pestering Carolyn for a baby, he realized that if this was it—if this was as big as their family ever was—it would be fine with him.
It was more than fine. It was perfect.
“Come on, ladies. If you help me unpack the car, I’ll take you into Port Clinton for lunch.”
“And ice cream?” Emma asked. “After all, I almost caught that shadow.”
“Definitely ice cream.”
CAROLYN BIDED HER TIME, enjoying every moment of their trip. She loved that Stephan had bought the cottage. Some people might be tempted to change things, but to her it was exactly right. From the outside, the cottage had weathered to the point that it had taken on characteristics of the lakeshore. The clapboards had faded to a stone shade of grayish tan. She hadn’t been tempted to redecorate the inside. The decor still sported the slightly saggy couch and the giant cedar chest her mom had found years ago at a flea market and that they’d used as a coffee table ever since. Everything about the cottage spoke of permanence and said home.
She sat on the rear deck, looking out at the lake, enjoying the qui
et.
Stephan’s parents had arrived in time for lunch. After eating and catching up, they’d gone to unpack and Stephan and Emma had gone to help.
She’d finished the dishes, and was waiting for them to return.
The lake was placid today, just the weakest of waves lapped the shore. She spotted Em running down the path from the Fosters.
“Mom, Mom,” she called excitedly as she arrived at the deck.
“Deep breaths, Em,” Carolyn teased. “Where’s the fire?”
“No fire. Grandma Joy said I could spent the night if you said so. Can I? We’re going to make popcorn and watch a movie. She said none of the boys watch chick flicks with her, but I will. Can I, Mom? Can I?”
“Sure. Do you need help packing an overnight bag?” The look on Emma’s face said more clearly than words that Emma felt she was more than old enough to pack her own overnight bag. “Okay, okay, forget I asked.”
She walked Emma over. Stephan’s mom smiled. “I didn’t think the two of you would mind a night to yourself.”
Stephan shot her a smile that said he definitely didn’t mind a night to themselves. “I think we can manage, Mom.”
Joy tugged Emma’s ponytail. “We’re going to kick Grandpa Frank into the bedroom to watch his game, and we’re going to take the big living-room television for our movie. We’ll order pizza—”
“Someone in Port Clinton delivers out to Heritage Bay now?” Stephan asked, looking excited.
“Sure, if by someone you mean George.”
As if on cue, George walked in, grinning. “Yeah, the only reason Mom and Dad invite me out is so that I can be their personal delivery boy. And then, as payment, I’ve got to watch the game in the bedroom with Dad so the girls can have their chick flick on the wide-screen. It’s just not fair.”
He walked over and hugged Carolyn. “How’s my favorite sister-in-law?”
“Don’t let Megan hear you say that.” Megan was Frank’s wife of two years.