“I don’t know.” I went back to painting. Pushing my lips tight together because I wanted to scream. Maybe cry.
“He cares for you. Already,” she sighed. “Which is so unlike Matt I won’t even try to explain. And he’s a good guy. A nice man, a good heart, a bright soul. All that Om kind of shit. I vouch for him. And I want you to believe me because it’s true.”
“Okay,” I said softly. I went back to her left foot and started to carefully brush on the second coat of polish. “Damn,” I whispered.
“What?” Her voice was serious, her hand on my leg reassuring.
“Nothing,” I said. “I was just thinking. You even look good in this shitty Big Bird shade of yellow.”
Our eyes met and when she grinned I started laughing. In a second she joined me.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“How are you, Clara?”
I had opened my laptop to get some work done. Eating and fucking and taking quick jaunts in the snow had messed up my normal workaday schedule. I tended to work all day long until it was time to settle down with a movie or sometimes see my sister. Even then I often checked my email should anyone need help. I had very little in my life besides a small bit of family and my work. It was how I’d liked things for a very long time. Until now.
Now there he was on my screen, smiling at me. I had a sudden urge to just tell him to come over. It all seemed very silly then, us doing things this way. Fucking via a surrogate. It was brilliant and utterly stupid at the same time.
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“Envious,” he said. But I could tell from his voice that he was joking.
“Why’s that?” I leaned in. The very short hair on his head seemed longer, his muscles bigger. Maybe that had more to do with the fact that I’d been sharing my body with a woman since we started this. In comparison, Matt seemed very, very big to me.
“I saw you two.” He winked. “And it was gooood.”
I laughed, blushing. “Yeah, it was good.”
“And I wished I was her, that’s all.” The look in his eyes said that was true.
“Soon,” I answered and felt a tug and tumble of nerves in my belly. “There were moments I wished you were her too.”
“How many moments?” He leaned in and I wanted to kiss him so badly.
“Some. And there were some…” I toyed with the stem of my wineglass.
“Yeeeeees?” He drew the word out comically long and I couldn’t help but be amused.
“There were moment where I was glad she wasn’t.”
He nodded. “Makes sense.”
“When do you see her again?” There was a strange mix of excitement and resentment running through me then.
Matt shrugged. “I have no idea.”
“Why not?”
I wanted him. God, how I wanted him. It was storming through me in jackboots while I sat there. Pounding the message over my nerve endings. Beating the need against the inside of my skull. It stole my breath and made me feel fidgety.
“It’s more about you than anything, Clara. And that’s how I like it.”
“But I want it fair,” I said. I was flabbergasted. It felt strange, but good too. I hadn’t had a reason to be flabbergasted in quite a while.
“And that’s why she’ll come over again but not tonight.”
His tone said he was done talking about it. I let it go.
“I want you,” I blurted.
He smiled. “I want you too. Very much.”
“No. I mean right now.” I leaned in to whisper it to the screen. It all felt entirely clinical and preposterous as I came face-to-face with my laptop screen. Why was I not saying this to him in person?
And then I remembered this morning with Richard. Being sick in the alley. The hole it had put me in, the pit of blackness.
That was why.
“I know. Me too.”
“Then why…” I waved my hands around.
“A means to an end. It will be fine, I promise.”
“I want you,” I said again. “It’s like a craving crawling under my skin. I feel antsy and out of sorts.”
He nodded. “Not I,” he said and turned away for a moment. “I feel fine.”
He held a sketch pad up to the laptop camera and started flipping the pages. Me in the window. Me on the bed. Me on his floor, hair spread out. Me in his kitchen. Me, me, me…
“Today? Just today?”
He cocked his head. “Time is standing still.”
“It is.” I ran my thumbnail along the edge of the screen. Part of me willed him to suddenly be in my house. Right here. Right with me. I wanted some mystical fairytale force to take over and transport him right here to me so we could be together. Despite the fact that he was just next door. And I could walk to his front door before I could count to one hundred.
“We could improvise. But Nadia isn’t there.”
“You weren’t here,” I said.
“For what?”
“For my…reversal of dominance,” I said, giving a small nervous titter.
“Ah, do tell? Nadia had the tables turned on her? It boggles the mind.”
“Do you want to know? For real?”
He grinned. “If you want to tell me.” His handsome face close to the screen had me longing to kiss him again. Not again—still. He was a good kisser. I remembered how his tongue felt on mine and his lips were warm pressed to my mouth.
“I do want to tell you.” Bright-white courage shone in my chest and I licked my lips.
“So…tell me.”
“Take your pants off first,” I said and touched the screen briefly. “I told you I wanted to be with you.”
“So let’s be together.” There was a decisive nod and I watched his big hands undo his button when he stood. He was crotch level for a minute with the webcam and I sighed. When his cock came into view I felt a deep wet flex in my cunt. It seemed to work its way up into my womb and my belly and the heat of my desire stained my chest red.
“Now you,” he said, sitting and pushing back from the camera just enough so I could see him.
I took my pants off without letting myself worry about my ugliness or the ugliness I imagined was mine then ripped my shirt off too. I sat back in my kitchen, no light shining but the dim light over the oven.
I said, “I’ve never gone down on a girl before…”
His hand was a blur on his cock and every stroke seemed to thud in time magnificently with the rush of blood in my pelvis.
“You really want to?” Matt was saying as he handled his cock, his big fingers looking sexy as hell, his strong jaw tight with tension. He was getting close and so was I.
Instinctively I raised my hips to get my fingers deeper into my pussy. I hooked those three fingers, my voice a breathless whisper, my palm grinding hard and deliberate into my clitoris.
“I do,” I panted. “I want to do to her what she did to me. I want to be in charge.” I laughed. “Maybe even fuck her with a cock if I had one.”
“You want control,” he echoed.
I nodded, chewing my lips, making my touch rougher as I brought myself closer and closer to orgasm. “I do. I…lost it for a long time. First when Richard was here. And then even after he left. I still don’t have it back. I’m still…not right. Broken.”
Matt grew still. “You’re neither.”
“I’m both,” I said. My voice was a bit harsher than intended, but I continued to rub my clitoris so that the tightening in my pussy was undeniable. It felt bigger than life. Bigger than worries.
“Clara—”
“Hush,” I said, and he laughed. “Get off for me.”
My eyes stayed glued to my screen as he began a rough tugging stroke on his erection again. The length of him rigid, the tip of him flushed, his fingers tight around the base of his shaft.
“Clara, Clara.” He smiled at me and my heart shifted sideways.
“Yes?”
I was close. So fucking close that I stopped the stimulation
on my clit and simply drove my fingers deep inside me over and over, curving my digits to my G-spot until I felt that leaden pleasure in my limbs. They heavy weight of arousal that made me nearly lethargic.
“If you want control…if you really want it…” His mouth went tight, his eyes fell shut, his hand jerked in frenzied motions along his dick.
He was done.
“Yes?” I prompted, the first flex of orgasm shaking me from the inside out. The air in my lungs was not enough.
“You can fuck me. With your cock when you get one.”
I came.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Night had sort of flown and sort of not. I kept wanting to go to the window to see if Matt was up late drawing. I wanted to text him or even call him up on the computer and talk. I had similar urges with Nadia but repressed those too. And somehow, miraculously, around 2:00 a.m. I dozed off thinking of fucking pretty men with cocks and pretty girls fucking me with theirs.
If someone had told me in weeks previous these would be the things that occupied my mind, I’d have laughed at them—a lot. But as I tumbled into sleep I remembered the feel of Matt against my body and the taste of Nadia on my lips.
Morning brought a brighter sky and a ringing doorbell.
I stumbled downstairs in my pale-gray flowered robe and socks. My hair was twisted up in a cockeyed bun and my heart was racing from the constant ringing bell.
I opened the door to my sister.
“What the fuck happened yesterday?” She rushed in and I just stood there, confused, blinking, and trembling a little from the rush of adrenaline.
“What?” I managed.
“Marie ran into Richard and he said that he saw you. And you’d gotten fat.” She snorted and rolled her eyes. “That man is a walking ass. No lie. He’s a large human butt with legs.”
I shook my head, still trying to come down off the shock of the early morning invasion. “Coffee?” I mumbled, moving past her. The floor was freezing even with my socks on so I nudged the thermostat up as I passed it. My sister was close on my heels.
“So what happened?”
I turned to Cat and tried to keep a straight face. “Are you going to stop squawking long enough to let me tell you?”
She gaped at me, but when I laughed, she blushed. “Fine, fine, what happened? Tell me, I’ll shut up.”
I prepared and pressed our coffee and doled out mugs. She plopped herself at the counter and waited for me to speak. I considered stringing her along just to enjoy the silence.
“Clara!” she snapped.
I chuckled and sipped my coffee. “Sorry. I am in a bit of a…relationship.”
“You have the hots for the boy next door, yeah, I know. So what? That doesn’t explain how you ended up running into the mindfucker.”
“I went for a walk.” I shrugged.
She shrugged, mimicking me. “You went for a walk. Since when do you just randomly go for a walk?”
“Since a few days ago.” I cleared my throat and sat up straight, trying very hard to look calm, cool and collected. Self-assured.
“Ah, Mr. Magic next door has you being all ballsy and whatnot?”
“Something like that,” I said.
Cat must have caught a look or smelled it on the wind. Something set off her sister radar. She leaned in. “What are you not telling me? Something. There’s something going on that you’re not sharing.”
“I’d never do that,” I said, laughing.
“Clara!” She smacked the counter and I cried out, startled. But it quickly turned to another laugh.
“Okay, sorry. Look, sister, how much do you want to hear? You might not want to hear this, if I’m totally honest. You might think I’m a freak or a pervert or just plain crazy.”
Her eyes glittered. I had intrigued her. “Is this dirty?”
I nodded. “I believe most folks would consider it dirty.”
Cat rubbed her hands together. “Then tell me. I want to know.”
I got a little scared then. Would she judge me? We were close. She was the one who had opened my eyes to what Richard was doing to me and my psyche. She was very much a protective second mother, so what would Cat think of me doing this?
She saw me flounder. “Spill!”
“Don’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you.”
“Please don’t judge me.”
“Oh my God, Clara. When are you going to realize that you don’t need anyone’s approval if you are making yourself happy? Not even mine.”
I laughed outright then sipped my coffee. The sweetness from the raw sugar was warm in my mouth. “You might eat your words,” I said.
She put her coffee cup down and took my hands, startling me with sincerity and it made my throat grow tight. “Look, after what that shit-stain put you through, if you are banging every other guy on this block and feeling better about yourself and that is making you do great things like take a walk outside for no reason…I say bang away, baby!”
I snorted. “You are too funny. So okay, I’ll tell you. Now brace yourself.”
She made a big show of stiffening her muscles and squinting. “Okay, go!”
“I am having an affair with the guy next door.”
“Yeah…and?”
“And his friend.”
“Oh my goodness!” She titled her head back, laughing. Her mouth was wide and the sound of her amusement made me smile. “Two men, you minx.”
“Nope.”
There was a beat where she was confused. She stared at me and I watched her working it out. And then her eyes grew wide and she whispered it as if someone could hear. “Oh my God. A woman? His friend is a woman? And you are um…”
I nodded, helping her out. “Sleeping with her too,” I said.
Her cheeks flushed and her eyes had never looked so shiny. “Does this mean you’re gay?”
I had to put my head down and laugh. “I’m pretty sure we don’t have to label this. I think she is my wild and crazy lifetime fling. The one you look back on when you’re seventy and remember fondly. But if I were…”
Cat waved her hand. “Who cares? You’re just curious. Or how about bi?”
I grinned. “Maybe bi-curious? Temporarily bi? Or just an equal-opportunity lover.”
She nodded, sipping her cooling coffee. “That works too.” She leaned in and planted her hands on my counter as if stabilizing herself. “So…how is it?”
“Different,” I said. “But good.”
“And him? How’s he with this? Or doesn’t he know?”
“It was his idea,” I told her.
I gave my sister the details but not all of them. Sometimes a girl has to keep her own secrets. Even from her sister who is also her protector and best friend in the world. I hustled her out into the cold but sunny day so she could get to work. At least that’s what I said to her. But it was more that I had a feeling I’d be a bit distracted today. I had a cock to buy.
* * * * *
The third site had it. It was long and medium-width. It was curved just a bit, it was veined, the harness was black leather with silver fastenings and I wanted it.
I wondered as I placed my order with shaking fingers if pretty Nadia would let me fuck her. If Matt meant what he said and would let me fuck him. He was so big and very alpha and yet the kindest, most open-minded person I’d met for ages. I could see him letting me do that to him and it was humbling. Because to look at him, and here I admitted my judgmental side, I would never have expected him to let me. I never would have asked him.
I hit Send and watched the screen thank me for my order and inform me that an email with my information was headed my way.
At the window I watched his side of the small alley, but at this time of day the windows were being hit by early sun and were nothing but blind eyes staring back.
The phone rang. “Hello?”
“How are you?”
“Fine.”
“Still want me?”
“More
than ever. We could—”
“Finish this. You’ll know when you’re ready and there won’t be any discussing it. You’ll know and it will be entirely up to you.”
I bit my lip and realized Matt was right. It felt right what he said.
“I bought a strap-on,” I whispered, my face coloring. The heat in my cheeks felt like sunburn. My heart felt like a flopping fish.
“Did you now?”
“I did,” I said.
There was a beat and I felt like I could hear him smiling. “And what do you want to do with it?”
“I want to do Nadia with it,” I said, a small laugh slipping out of me. “And…”
“And?” he prompted after I was silent briefly.
“And I want to…” I chewed my lip. “Did you mean what you said?” I whispered, pleading.
“I did.”
I nodded, feeling my body flexing deep inside and my heart doing some light dance at his honesty. He was humbling me—that was the only word for it. Something Richard had never done. He’d belittled me, but Matt humbled me with what he was willing to give me.
“Then I want to do you with it too.” It was a hard thing to say but I got it out.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Nadia would be first but only if she agreed. I wasn’t going to be with Matt again either way until that magical voice inside me told me it was time. That I was ready to be with him.
Now it was a waiting game. I had ordered the strap-on and a few other items at whim, requesting—and paying a hefty price for—rush shipping. Best-case scenario, my stuff would arrive the next day since I’d ordered early in the morning.
It was a matter of being in a holding pattern, twisting in a wind of arousal and want. But I could do it.
“Damn near celibate for ages and now you can’t wait a single day.” A knickknack in my china hutch caught my eye and I hurried over to open the door.
It was a small badger sculpted by some local artist. It was Richard’s and I hadn’t touched it since he left.
Someone at work had given it to Richard, nicknaming him the badger, because he never backed down or was cowed. But those people had no idea that Richard—much like the animal namesake they were likening him to—could be mean beyond belief.
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