by Patrick Ness
The war had gone on for so long, hundreds of years, it turned out no one could remember what the war was being fought over. So the first thing King Rufus did was send his Royal Researchers to work. They worked night and day for months on end, going back further and further into history, searching the research, combing the catacombs, delving into the delvements. (—Is that a word? —Probably.) At last, on a bright, cold morning, they found the reason. Forty-seven generations before, the King of the Southerners had stolen a rhinoceros out of the Northern King’s private zoo. (—That’s it? —Wars have started for less. —But that’s stupid. —Precisely.) King Rufus couldn’t believe that so many thousands of lives and hundreds of years had been wasted on something so small, especially since both the cities of the North and the cities of the South had grown over time despite the war and each side had more than their share of zoos chock-full of rhinoceros.
He decided a symbolic gesture was in order. He would give a present to the ruler of the Northerners, who during this time was Queen Rhonda the Stout. King Rufus ordered his kingdom’s zoologists to select the top male and female rhino from his stock and prepare them for a journey to the North. Rufus himself would then deliver them to the Queen in person, unaccompanied by any guard. He sent word to Queen Rhonda’s court of his plan, and she sent word back that he would be allowed to make the journey unmolested.
For one hundred and twenty-two days, King Rufus walked with the male and female rhinoceros towards the North’s capital city, through sun and rain, light and dark, all alone save for the rhinos. The three lived off the land, Rufus hunting game for himself and finding lush spots for the rhinos to graze. At last, late one afternoon, King Rufus reached the castle doors of Queen Rhonda. He entered through a long hallway that led from chamber to chamber, on and on and on through one hundred separate rooms, the male and female rhinos with him at every step, until finally, he reached the throne room of Queen Rhonda. (—And she was beautiful and they fell instantly in love. —Yes and no. They fell in love, but she wasn’t beautiful. —Oh, I like that.)
‘The Stout’ turned out to be a kind nickname for the Queen. Exceedingly short and overwhelmingly plump, Rhonda nevertheless exuded a kind of vitality and vigor that struck Rufus’ eye immediately. Now, it should be said that looks-wise, Rufus was no great shakes either. (—Good.) His wild mane of red hair was so long that it often tangled itself in his equally long beard. Underneath all the hair and matting was an extremely handsome if overly thick-fingered man, but on the surface he seemed like a golem made of burlap. Plus, he had a cold sore. But it was love at first sight for them both anyway. And for that, the Northern cities and the Southern cities rejoiced. Everyone everywhere was equally sick of the war.
Queen Rhonda immediately accepted the gift of the male and female rhino, and offered her kingdom’s hospitality to King Rufus while the details of the armistice were worked out. One day later, the Queen, with Rufus’ permission, also ordered her lawyers to draw up a pre-nuptial agreement. They attended feasts together, hosted parties welcoming delegates from Rufus’ kingdom, and generally spent a lot of time staring into each other’s eyes and sighing.
But all was not well. There was a wizard in Rhonda’s court named Ted. (—Ted? —Yes, Ted. —Ted the Wizard? —Yes, may I continue?) Ted had never loved Rhonda but had arranged with her father at her birth to be the one to marry her when she reached adulthood. Fortunately for Rhonda, her father had died when she was a child, also fighting the war like King Rufus’ father. (—Aw, Dad. —It’s just a fairy tale, honey. Don’t worry.) By the time Rhonda came of age, she had exercised her queenly powers to have the agreement with the wizard voided, for she had no desire whatsoever to marry a man who was only interested in her power. She regarded him as more annoying than evil, though, so she kept him around and had ceased giving him much thought after the matter was settled.
Ted hadn’t forgotten though, and when he learned of the wedding plans of Rufus and Rhonda, he finally realized his chance for revenge. Working with all the black magic at his command, calling on all the evil forces he knew or was at least acquainted with, using every last magic chemical he had in his storehouse, every trick he ever learned, he cooked up an evil curse. Revenge would be his.
The wedding day arrived, sunny but cool. Nearly every resident of both kingdoms had crowded onto a huge field to watch the ceremony. Even the male and female rhino were present, chewing happily away on the grass. Rhonda the Stout stoutly rhondled her way down the aisle to her awaiting groom. Rufus had been cleaned up for the occasion and swept up his bride-to-be for a pre-ceremonial kiss.
This was where Ted popped in.
‘STOP!’ he cried with a booming voice. ‘I, Ted the Splendid, curse this union.’
There were gasps among the guests. Rhonda wasn’t impressed.
‘What is it now, Ted?’ she asked.
‘I curse this union thusly,’ said Ted. ‘Marry if you will, love if you will, rule if you will, but kiss at your peril.’
‘Meaning …?’ Rhonda said.
‘If you kiss the lips of your beloved,’ said Ted, ‘both of you will transform immediately and forever into rhinoceros, of the type that brought this cursed union together in the first place.’
‘You can’t do that, Ted,’ said Rhonda.
‘Oh, but I can, Your Majesty. And have done.’
‘Ted, as Your Sovereign,’ said Rhonda, ‘I command that you lift this curse.’
‘Too late, Your Majesty,’ said Ted. ‘What’s done cannot be undone.’
With that, he let out an evil wizardly laugh and disappeared in a plume of foul-smelling green smoke.
Rufus and Rhonda didn’t know what to do. They were standing at the altar, waiting to consummate their vows, and bring peace at last to the Southern and Northern cities. Thousands of expectant faces watched silently as Rufus and Rhonda stared into each other’s eyes.
‘What should we do?’ asked Rufus.
‘There seems to be only one thing we can do,’ said Rhonda.
They kissed. (—Oh!) In a flash, where the King and Queen were standing, there were suddenly two rhinoceros, face-to-face, each with a crown hooked over their respective horns. Slowly, they turned to face the crowd, and without a word, for everyone knows rhinos can’t speak, they walked back up the aisle, pausing only to be joined by the male and female rhino already present. The two kingdoms watched as the four rhinoceros ambled for the horizon and set to grazing.
The townsfolk stood in silence for a while. Nobody knew what to do. Then someone from the South remembered that Northerners were said to go to the bathroom where they slept, and the Southerner felt the need to mention this to a Northerner nearby. Then someone from the North remembered that Southerners were supposed to have scars on their backsides from having their tails cut off when they were babies, and the Northerner felt compelled to ask a Southerner to show it to him. Then someone from the North spat on someone from the South. Then someone from the South slapped someone from the North.
A new battle began that day, one so intense that King Rufus and Queen Rhonda and the other two rhinos were forgotten. When one hundred years had passed and the new, even-worse war had destroyed both kingdoms so thoroughly that even their histories had been erased, no one among the few remaining survivors could remember where the wandering crash of rhinoceros had come from. The end.
—So but wait. Is that where The Crash comes from?
—No, sweetie, I just made that up. It’s as true as any other story, though, I suppose.
—Why did Rufus and Rhonda kiss each other?
—I guess they loved each other so much they would rather have spent their lives as rhinos than not be able to kiss.
—But rhinos can’t kiss.
—Says who?
—But didn’t they know about the war starting up again?
—Probably.
—But didn’t they have a duty to their kingdoms, then?
—Yes, but it’s a moral question. Which is more i
mportant? Love or peace?
—What’s the answer?
—That’s the whole point, there is no answer.
—How is that supposed to make me sleep? I’m going to be up all night debating love versus peace. I’m ten, Dad. I have no idea.
—Okay, what about this one? ‘There was once a chipmunk named Terry who was having trouble getting his library card renewed—’
—Good night, Dad.
—Oh, good, a laugh at least. Are you feeling better?
—A little.
—Think you can sleep?
—I think so.
—Okay, baby. Do you want me to stay with you a while until you do?
—Yes.
—My pleasure, honey.
18. Mingle, Mingle.
—Archie! Good to see you.
—That’s overly solicitous for you, Cora. Is something wrong?
—Not even a moment for pleasantries, huh?
—Don’t tell me. The Boy Prince is a no-show yet again.
—Why weren’t you a detective, Archie?
—Because I preferred to be rich. What’s his excuse this time?
—His daughter’s sick.
—If it’s anything less than plague, I’m not buying it.
—It’s Pox.
—Did she get the shots?
—Yes.
—Then he could have gotten a sitter.
—Archie—
—I left my kids home on plenty of nights when business called.
Another voice came in from behind.
—It’s a different day and age than when we were young, Archie.
—I’m thirty years older than you, Albert. There’s no ‘we’ involved at all, though I suppose you knew of this conspicuous absence as well.
—Family called, apparently, and it’s actually thirty-one years. But how are you this fine evening?
—My arches are falling.
—Isn’t that the first line of a sonnet?
Cora took Archie by the arm.
—Come. Eat something. You’ll be happier.
—Oh, yes, why don’t you rub my belly and tell me I’m a good dog while you’re at it.
—Has that been the secret all along?
—What’s to stop me from just going straight back home?
—Archie, please. Now the situation is this.
—Would you get me a whiskey, Albert?
—Straight up but very, very cold, if I remember correctly.
—Good lad.
—The situation, as I said.
—Yes, get on with it.
—Is that Max isn’t here because his little girl is sick. None of these people are really here to see him anyway. They all want to hobnob with me.
—I know that’s my preference.
—So Max gets sympathy points for brave single fatherhood, as well as for having his priorities straight.
—His priorities straight? What if a tidal wave is heading for the city but Max’s daughter has a little cough?
—It’s a different time now, Archie.
—The second time I’ve heard that inside of five minutes.
—Only because it’s true.
—Is it?
—Yes. We’ll have an in absentia fundraiser. It’ll be the talk of the town.
—It might be the talk of a very, very dull town, but even only there if it was the first time it had happened.
—The last time was my fault. A head of state had died. I had to send a representative.
—Poppycock. Oh, God bless you, Albert.
—That ought to smooth the evening out a bit.
—So, I’m an alcoholic, now, am I?
—Isn’t that really something for you to decide for yourself?
—Why did you marry this man again?
—He has an enormous penis.
—So ‘it’s not the size that counts’ has been a lie all along?
—'Fraid so.
—Bring me another, then, and let’s get this thing over with.
—Champagne?
—What I’m concerned about is the Bondulay creeping into our schools if he’s elected.
—What do you get when you cross a Rumour with an octopus?
—I think he’s very handsome.
—Harold, please. This is neither the time nor the place.
—I don’t think his race is an issue at all.
—Do you have any Cluvot?
—I’ve heard he’s part of the Rumour Underground.
—Creeping how?
—Oh, please, he hasn’t looked at a woman since his fiancée died.
—I don’t know but it sure can pick a head of lettuce.
—That doesn’t mean he won’t ever.
—Any what?
—Oh, you know how they are.
—Oh, yawn. Everyone knows that doesn’t exist.
—It sure doesn’t seem to be.
—Harold!
—'They'?
—I think he’s wrapped up in being a father.
—Oh, sure, you act shocked now, but you’ll be laughing on the car ride home.
—They call it a cultural experience and then suddenly we’re all listening to their music.
—And she’s such a sweet little girl, too.
—Secret societies control all centres of government.
—Cluvot. It’s from the North.
—I wonder what he looks like naked.
—I most certainly will not.
—What does that have to do with religion?
—He’s Rumour, so probably a hairy chest.
—And you’ll be telling everyone you know at the office tomorrow.
—Maybe Hennington’s a little more enlightened than we thought.
—You’re paranoid.
—Not necessarily. I went out with a Rumour guy in college, and he was smooth.
—Are you really this clueless, Harold?
—You sure he wasn’t waxed?
—There aren’t any wines from the North.
—It’s all stepping stones, is what I’m trying to say.
—Nobody was doing it back then.
—What? What did I say?
—Doesn’t mean he couldn’t have tweezed.
—It’s made from pears.
—A whole chestful of hair? I doubt it.
—Stepping stones.
—Precisely. I mean, he’s leading in the polls and the city’s what? A quarter Rumour?
—Have you even seen him here yet?
—Little baby steps until all of a sudden we’re overrun.
—To think otherwise is naïve.
—I heard someone say something about his daughter being sick.
—I have no response to that, except of course that the answer is no.
—That’d be just like him to stay home with her.
—Max is a Rumour.
—I’m not even sure Max Latham is a member of the Bondulay Church.
—Have you ever even met him?
—Forget it, then.
—If even that.
—No shit, but he should at least be able to take a joke.
—I prefer to think of it as sanity.
—No, but it just seems like the kind of thing he’d do.
—Of course he is. He’s Rumour. They all are.
—I think it’s something to be proud of.
—Champagne?
Albert declined another glass with a wave of his hand.
—There are some well-nigh terrifying people here, Archie.
—But terrifying people with money. That’s the important thing.
—I’d wager half of them aren’t even registered on our side of the hustings.
—Max is going to win. You always put money on the winner, no matter who you might vote for.
—Tragic but true. Makes for a nicely tense party though, don’t you think?
—I always feel like I’ve barely escaped with my life.
—That’s because you hav
e.
—Where’s Cora?
—Over there. Hijacked by Harold Baxter. A rescue might be in order.
—Let her stay. Punishment for allowing me to be here and Max to not.
—She is my wife. A rescue is chivalrous. Come with me.
—No, I … Harold, how are you, you old son-of-a-bitch?
—Doing well, Archie. You know, I was just telling Cora here that—
—Cora, my dear, I’m leaving.
—But you just got here.
—Ninety-three minutes ago. Everyone is as cocktailed-up as they’re going to be. Besides you’ve already gotten my money and the milkings of most of the rest of this crowd.
—He even got money out of Miriam Caldwell.
—Good Lord, Archie. Did you have to join her church?
—No, no, she’s terrified of me. It was easy. But as I’ve said, I’m leaving. Walk me to my car.
—Of course. Nice talking to you, Harold. Albert, be a dear and get me another soda water.
—Certainly.
Cora and Archie walked towards the car park.
—Cora, I have concerns.
—I suppose I’m not surprised.
—I’m wondering if we’ve got a bit of a paper tiger on our hands here.
—Don’t worry, Archie. The campaign is months away, and though you admittedly haven’t had an opportunity to hear it, Max can be a very persuasive campaigner in his own way.
—He’d better be, is all I’m saying.
—What’s on your mind, Archie?
—There were some rumblings in the crowd in there.
—Rumblings about what?
—About Max being Rumour.
—Oh, Archie, you can’t be serious.
—I’m quite serious. He’d be the first. I’m not sure they, them, in there, are sure they’re ready for it.