by J. M. Miller
I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry as I stared at her lips. “I wanted to be there for you.”
Her fingers tightened against my hand, but I remained still. I was afraid if I moved even the slightest bit I’d scare this dream away. Our eyes met again, burning me on the inside. I watched hers flicker around the room and come back to me. A sexy grin formed on her lips, shocking me and melting me all at once.
“Ben,” she said in a sultry tone. “How’s your jaw feel?”
I tilted my head, not quite sure I’d heard her correctly. But before I could ask what she meant, she slid her hand up my bare chest to my face, trailing her fingers along my jaw. I closed my eyes at her touch again, leaning back onto my hands as the room spun with emotion. Her body shifted over me, straddling my lap. I opened my eyes just as her eyelids fluttered closed. Staring at the soft curl of her lashes, I thought of the picture on my phone. I’d been obsessed with it all night, all week, wishing I could feel her breath on my face again. Her hands dove into my hair and her body dipped closer.
As soon as I felt her breath on my cheek, I lost the tiny bit of control I had left. I was so turned on that every other muddied thought vanished. Her lips skimmed over mine, airy and painful. I couldn’t handle it. My body wanted more. Sitting up, I ran my hands up her thighs while I claimed her lips.
Good God, she tastes like an angel, too. And I wanted her to take me to Heaven.
I gripped her hips and she arched her back, pressing against me and sucking on my lower lip. With barely a break in our kiss, her hands left my hair and peeled off her thermal.
My whole body shook with anticipation, with adoration. I held her tight as I stood, accidentally kicking my beer over before pivoting and laying her on the bed. Her legs remained hooked at my waist and her hands trailed down my chest. I hovered over her carefully, supporting my weight with one hand while I ran the other up her side then across her thin cotton bra.
I tore my lips from hers, needing to taste her neck. I’d been dreaming about this all freaking week. She still felt the same and nothing compared to knowing that. She loved me, and she knew I loved her to no end. I’d be able to stay with her, help her. We could look for answers again. Find the missing well stone. End the curse.
“Oh… Your jaw seems… fine,” she breathed with a slight giggle. “I’m… Sorry I kicked you yesterday.”
It took me a moment to realize what she said. When I did, my lips stopped, half open just under her ear. Sorry I kicked you? Yesterday? I reprocessed her words. My stomach dropped and my body went cold and stiff as if Death had punched me. She thinks this is last week when I kissed her feet? Did she lose a whole week?
“Ben?” she said, alarmed at my stillness. “Are you okay?”
No. My stomach churned and my whole body began to sweat. I jumped to my feet, and started pacing. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Ben, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?” she asked, sitting up and slipping her shirt back on. “What did I say?”
I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t even look at her. Shit. What the hell just happened?
“Ben! You said you’d always tell me the truth.” Her voice was pained, afraid.
If only I had told her the truth from the beginning. I ran my fingers through my hair and laced them behind my head, still pacing. The bandage on my sole tore off from turning, but I couldn’t feel any pain. What can I do now?
“LJ.” I rushed over and squatted in front of her. Her eyes were emeralds trapped beneath pools of water, and it broke me more inside. “LJ, I did say I’d tell you the truth. I’m not sure what just happened, but…”
She blinked, letting a few tears stream down her cheeks. “Ben?” Her tone evened out. “Oh my God,” she whispered. Her wide eyes told me that everything had just clicked. “Oh my God.”
“Hey.” I grabbed her hands gently to calm her.
She jerked back. “I can’t be near you,” she whispered, shaking her head enough to shift hair over her face.
“LJ, take a breath, baby,” I said, leaning closer to her knees and tucking her hair behind her ear.
She let me get close for a moment then grabbed her jacket and slid around me. “I just can’t, Ben. I gave you the keys. Now I’ve got to go.” She darted toward the back room, but I beat her there and positioned myself in front of the doorknob.
“Talk to me. You said you were sorry about kicking my jaw yesterday. That was last week, LJ. Has this happened before?”
Her eyes danced around my body, trying to find an exit. She looked up after a few seconds. “No, not like that. Now just let me go.”
“Not like that,” I repeated her statement, ignoring the rest. “So what was it like exactly? Are you forgetting more things? Is it days you’re losing instead of weeks? Because I’d really like to know.”
“Why does it matter to you? We’re over, Ben.” She pursed her angry lips.
“It matters because I love you. And I know you still love me. Your eyes tell me what you don’t want to say. I saw it ten minutes ago, before you skipped back a week.” I swayed a little. My balance was still off from the beer, even though I’d gone from shit-faced to practically stone-cold in two seconds. I propped a hand on the door frame. Good enough.
She looked away. “It doesn’t matter. You hid everything from me. You lied when you said you wouldn’t. I hate liars.”
“I’m not them, LJ,” I whispered. Her attention was back on me with a slow head spin. “I am nothing like them. You have to know that I care about you. More than anyone. I didn’t tell you about the curse or about the memory loss because I couldn’t bear to hurt you anymore than I had already. I knew if I found the answers, I wouldn’t have to. That’s why I kept pushing for us to look. I know I should’ve told you, but I can’t change it now, no matter how much I want to.”
Her lips relaxed, but her eyes stayed cold. “You’re right. It can’t be changed. I’ve accepted that, and I suggest you do the same. You don’t need to drown yourself in beer because you feel guilty.”
Accept it? My stomach knotted and every muscle tensed. I didn’t want to be mad at her, but this was infuriating. “And how do you suggest I accept it, LJ? By watching you destroy yourself, memory by memory with every new nosebleed? I saw you again tonight at the race. How often are you doing it? Every day? Twice a day? Whenever someone wishes for a brain, a heart, or some damn courage? You telling me not to drown in beer is just a tad hypocritical when you’re drowning yourself, too. Are you addicted to it? Does it feel that good to you?” I remembered what it felt like to me. A brief glimpse of euphoria. I barely noticed what it was until I realized what she’d done. She mentioned before that it felt the same for her, but never gave me the specifics. Was it more intense? Was it a high like none other?
Her lower lip started to tremble. Actually, her whole body was trembling. “It’s just… It’s just nice to help people instead of hurting them for once. Just… it doesn’t matter,” she spat, raising her arms and pacing back toward the heavy bag.
“You know what the consequence is, though. And from what I just witnessed, it’s happening fast. I don’t think Janine’s even happened that fast. Which means you need to stop! God, LJ, you have to stop!” I moved close behind her and slowly ran my hands down her lax arms. “You have to let me help you. Even if you don’t want to be with me anymore,” I said, my heart crushing under the weight of my own words.
For several slow breaths of mine, she didn’t speak. She let my fingers trail over her arms, let me dip my face into her hair and breathe her in. My thoughts clouded again. Wanting to hold her. To protect her.
“You can’t help me,” she mumbled and turned to face me. The single light of the basement reflected in her watery eyes.
“I’ll do whatever it takes.” I moved my hand to her face, sliding the pad of my thumb across her cheek then cradling her face.
“I know you would,” she said. Her fingers weaved into my hair and she pulled my face down to hers for a kiss.
I welcomed her, letting her take gentle control. With my eyes closed, I felt her wet tears between our cheeks. Would she let me help her?
Without warning, she let her hands fall from my hair and backed away. “I want you to know that I don’t blame you for what happened. Above everything else, I hope you realize that. You have to let the guilt go. I don’t want you to drive yourself crazy over this, over me. I’ll be fine.”
What the hell? The thought hit hard, wanting me to scream it loud. But the words failed to come as I stood there, gaping, confused.
“I have to go.” She brushed past my stunned body, swinging her jacket on.
Finally, I reacted and caught her before she disappeared into the tunnel. “LJ, wait. Don’t do this. Don’t give up.”
Her head turned when she reached the doorway. “I’m not giving up, Ben. I told you already. It’s acceptance.” She pulled the skeleton key from her pocket, placed it in the lock, and stepped into the doorway. “You don’t have to agree with me. It’s not your choice. And it’s not your fault. It never was.”
And with that, the door closed and she was gone.
I’d never blacked out from drinking, but I had blacked out from anger. Tonight, apparently, the broken furniture in the basement became a victim much like the senior who hosted the party where Harper OD’d. I started with the spindly chair, which was missing a leg. After that, everything faded out.
When I crawled out of the black hole, I was slouched against the refrigerator, surrounded by millions of new diamonds on the basement floor. My hands throbbed, cut up and bloody.
Why wouldn’t she try?
I closed my eyes and ran my shaky hands through my hair, echoing the movements her hands had made minutes, or hours, ago. She’d twisted her fingers around the strands, tugging tenderly, pulling me closer into our kiss.
Dammit!
After grabbing another beer, I climbed the stairs with a new determination. This wouldn’t save me. It wouldn’t end all the pain. But it would cut off a few exposed nerves that ached for her to twist her fingers in and tug like she wanted me forever.
When I reached the bathroom, I set the beer on the sink and looked into the mirror, staring at my miserable reflection again. I took in my sullen, tortured eyes before focusing on the messy strands of brown.
Then I grabbed the clippers.
The alarm clock kicked on. Its music was distant, muted. In another room? I shifted my stiff body. My back protested the movement with a pinch that rivaled a knife wound. There wasn’t a comforter or any pillows around my body, only a coldness seeping up from…
The floor.
Cracking my eyes open, I realized I was in the bathroom. I palmed the frigid, ivory-colored tile and pushed up to my knees. Every part of me ached. I glanced around and noticed a shallow pool of water inside the footed tub. A sponge lay at the bottom.
Ugh.
I’d cleaned again. It was starting to happen more often. Time was slipping away without recollection. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t scare me at all. Part of me was terrified. The other part was already numb, ready to accept this fate. My family’s fate.
I moved to my nightstand, turned off the alarm, then returned to the bathroom, slowly loosening the knots in my body.
Ben.
He was the clearest memory I had of last night. The feel of his lips on my skin. The warmth of his bare chest as he lay over me. It made my body pulse with want all over again. After I’d left the hospital, I ran back to him. The reason was simple enough. Beneath all the worries, under all the hurt, I missed him. All week I’d been torn up over his omissions. But my argument was weaker than I was. He didn’t do it to hurt me. He wanted to protect me. Last night I craved that strength and I knew I’d end up in his accepting arms. Nothing else mattered.
He was completely wasted when I’d arrived, which almost made me leave. Talking to him like that didn’t seem like the best idea. But after he cut himself, I had to stay. Then I broke down, like I knew I would. What happened next, though, was definitely not planned. I actually believed it was last week. It felt so real, as if I’d kicked him in the jaw only hours before. Until the whole week flooded back.
I pressed my hands on the vanity and studied my reflection inside the oval mirror. My prominent cheekbones appeared to jut farther out, amplifying the skeletal look. The dark bags were another cause, highlighting my pale skin.
Mom’s tired face looked similar last night. At least she showed up sober. If anything, I’d give her that. The rest was crap. She said she hoped no one she loved ended up alone like Aunt Janine. I wondered briefly if she knew about the well, but I didn’t care enough to stick around and ask. No matter what she said, I knew she was only here for herself.
I scrubbed my face with dry hands to get rid of those thoughts. It’s Saturday. A wedding was scheduled today, and I had to attend. I shook out my nervous hands. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Simone had said babysitting usually included staying in the office unless we were needed. I could manage that. Hopefully.
My clothes selection was still limited, but I did have a decent pair of classic, black pants and a fitted, white button down. It was simple professional. Good enough. I finished a fast shower and wrapped my wet hair into a sock bun, neat and easy.
The house was deserted. I had no idea what time Dad and Gavin had returned home last night so I decided not to wake them. Poor Gavin. I felt like crap for leaving him behind. It was the only time I ever had.
By the time I arrived at the event house, it was already buzzing. Part-time employees moved up the walkway carrying white orchid place settings from a florist truck parked in the side lot. The caterer’s van was also there. The planner was easy to spot when I stepped inside. Looking leggy in a knee-length suit skirt, she was talking to a temp near the kitchen. She seemed calm, like she’d had dozens of weddings under her skinny belt even though she only looked a few years older than me. As I weaved around several more people carrying pink and white linens and table settings, the caterer appeared beside the planner. He held out a sample tray and the planner scooped up what looked like a shrimp cup for a taste test.
I waited off to the side until the caterer retreated into the kitchen. “Excuse me. Hi,” I said as she turned her tall frame toward me. The sand-colored suit complimented her caramel skin beautifully. Her dark hair was fastened into a business bun similar to mine. “I’m LJ. I just wanted to see if you had any concerns about the property this morning.”
Her dark eyes looked me up and down with a rapid assessment before a bright smile took over her face. “Janine’s great-niece.”
“Yes,” I confirmed. “This is my first time dealing directly with a wedding, but I’ll do my best to help any way I can.”
She nodded and extended her hand. “I’m Keena. Your aunt was a wonderful lady. She gave me a lot of pointers when I was a newbie.” I shook her hand and raised a brow, silently questioning her statement because of how young she looked. “I know,” she answered my look, scrunching her face playfully. “I get that look a lot. It’s a blessing, but sometimes a curse.”
“I bet,” I replied with an internal cringe, thinking of a curse far more painful than a youthful appearance. “I’m sorry that I—”
“Not to worry.” She released my hand and waved off my apology. “It’s nice to meet you, LJ. There shouldn’t be any issues, but I’ll let you know if anything needs your attention. You are dressed like most of the staff, so,” she said, glancing around, “if you want to pop back down to learn some things, feel free. I just ask that you refrain from going outside in the courtyard during the ceremony or entering the ballroom during the reception, unless there’s an emergency. The kitchen and hallways are fair game.” She winked and I nodded.
“Thanks. Nice to meet you too,” I said, with no intention of coming back downstairs until it was all finished.
Upstairs was quiet. I entered Simone’s office and quickly looked over the information that she’d left for me on her desk. Name
s. Numbers. Emergency contacts. Just like babysitting.
Not having anything else to do, I peered through the front window for a while. Simone probably spared me any extra work since it was my first time sitting for a party. I didn’t mind, though it might’ve been nice to have a distraction from my own thoughts.
Last night was a mess. I’d actually skipped a significant amount of time. Lately, I’d been forgetting details—homework due dates, people’s names, what time I was supposed to work—but this was much different. It also wasn’t like the blackout cleaning sessions. I remembered everything I’d done with Ben. I was just convinced it was last week for a few minutes.
My plan last night had been to apologize. I loved him, and I needed him, and I didn’t want him to feel guilty for what was happening to me. I knew he’d take me back. Fortunately, the time jump woke me up to the mistakes I was about to make. This curse was hurting him, too, because he cared about me. I couldn’t bear to put him through that. Even if I loved him. Even if I needed him. I didn’t want to see him in pain.
That was why I had to let him go. And it was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I’d started with the same excuse, telling him that he’d lied to me and that I hated liars, when in fact I was being the biggest hypocrite of all. But I had to be. I needed him to think I was still mad in order to keep that space between us. And when I told him I didn’t blame him for the curse and that he should accept it and move on, the look in his eyes nearly made me change my mind. They had been so resolute, and in an instant they crumbled.
It was better this way. It has to be better this way.
Tears leaked from my eyes. I wiped them away while I watched more people arrive for the wedding. Just as I took a few calming breaths, a headache erupted. The high pitches hit hard, forcing me to close my eyes. I pressed my fingers to my temples, cussing myself for not considering how crazy people’s thoughts would be at a wedding. I checked the time. The wedding didn’t start for twenty minutes, and, with one hundred and fifty people scheduled to attend, the rest of the day was going to be torture.