"Oh, yes." The old man's eyes twinkled.
"What is it this time?"
"I promised Hamdrim I'd try to get you back in time to help with the Dissim harvest."
Chapter 32
The theory of parallel universes is a useful concept which serves to exercise the minds of mathematicians. In any other discipline it becomes the subject of increasingly wild flights of fancy, culminating in the escapist rubbish which abounds among religious dreamers and romantic youth.
Mathematics: The Supreme Art. Lecture given to the Academy of Sciences, Xixa.
Esparan, South Lake
The rain pattered softly on the tarpaulins overhead as the ship nosed slowly forward through the drifting patches of mist. Seven days out from a sunny Suntoren, they had run into this sad, almost autumnal weather on the approach to the Fesskin Isles, and they had been feeling their way carefully through the narrow passages between the islands ever since. Caldar was full of admiration for the captain's navigation. The sighting of a lonely cluster of rocks breaking the calm surface or a glimpse of a forested hillside was enough to take him from one anchorage to the next, where boats from the Aynuk villages would materialise out of the mist and do their swift trade.
It was good that they had ended up on this slow old trading boat, Caldar reflected. None of them wanted to hurry back towards the inevitable parting which awaited them in Easterleng. He suspected that Berin might be feeling much as he did: he would be glad to see his home again and the people that he loved, but his life had already taken a new course which was binding him closer to different people and different purposes. He turned up the collar of his jerkin and shivered, partly at the unaccustomed coolness after the heat of the desert journey from Tarkus and also in recollection of his conversation with the Tinker the day before.
All the way back to Suntoren they had travelled in a kind of limbo, suspended between one life and another and crushed by the overpowering heat on the Great Highway. It was full summer in the Lake capital, but even that had seemed a cool haven after the journey from Tarkus. Once aboard, the young trio had come to life again, full of questions, and they had found the Tinker at times unexpectedly willing to talk. As usual Berin had led the inquisition.
"I don't understand about the Talisman, Tinker," he had said on the beautiful sunlit evening of their second day on the Lake. "This whole journey was about finding it and getting it into Rass's possession, and that all happened, just as you wished. But now it sits in Rass's pocket and does nothing, as far as I can see. I thought it was going to change the whole world."
"The change has already started." The Tinker smiled. "A real change is an immense undertaking, Berin. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it will take time, mostly because the Guardian himself has a lot to learn. What did you expect? Everyone bowing down to the Talisman as it sailed across the sky in clouds of fire? It's not here to impose God’s will on the world, as the Sarai would like to think. Man's fate is more complicated than that."
"Well, that's another thing," Berin went on insatiably. "The Sarai talk about God all the time. Never about ‘Gods’, just the one. No one else does, not that I know. Is their idea of God anything like ours?"
"Not exactly, but they come from the same direction," the Tinker replied patiently. "You must remember the Sarai had to take refuge in that stony wilderness and face an everyday fight for survival. In those situations people tend to collapse inwardly or to hang on fiercely to what they value. They hung on, and now, a long time later, the memories of real knowledge are embedded deep in their beliefs. The miracle is that more than the words have been preserved."
"Are you saying that our Lake beliefs have nothing real in them? I don't mean that what the legends are talking about isn't real, the Talisman's real enough, but somehow we don't get any value from them. For us they're just stories."
"Don't be too quick to judge, Berin. What you say is true enough, yet there's a strength here in Esparan just as remarkable as anything you observed among the Sarai. It's hard for you to see it, because this is your home."
For the most part Caldar had been content to listen to these conversations. He did not have Berin's brand of blind courage when it came to examining the things which really mattered to him. For days he had put off asking about his own future, not sure that he really wanted to hear the answers. They had been well into the Fesskin Islands before he had come across the old man alone on the deck and had summoned the resolution to open the subject. Even so, he had approached it obliquely.
"Each time you talk to us about the Talisman, Tinker, or man's destiny or any of those things, I feel that I understand. While you're talking, everything seems reasonable and obvious. Yet when I think about any of it by myself, I see I don't know any more about it than when we set out from Suntoren in the first place." He hesitated. "No, it's worse than that. I actually know a lot less now. Many of the things I was certain of, things I could rely on like a solid floor, I'm not sure about any more, and all I have to put in their place are enormous ideas which are too big to grasp. Whenever I try, they slide away from me and leave me in confusion."
"Fair enough," the Tinker replied. “That’s your real situation and the more you see of it the better.”
"You're not just going to pat me on the head and tell me not to worry, like Idressin, are you?"
The old man smiled. "Idressin keeps pointing out to you that you're worrying about the wrong things. There are indeed things in this world we would do well to fear, but hardly ever the things we get worked up about. Anyway I’ll refrain from patting you on the head. What I'm saying to you is that we have to make some gaps in the tight little structure of our world if we're going to open up to all the other real possibilities which surround us. Remain in the box that life has built around us, of course with our willing cooperation, and nothing new can reach us."
"Well, seeing other lands has made me look at the Lake in a whole new light. But I don’t see…"
" No, Caldar, I don't mean travel. People usually take their boxes with them wherever they go. The whole world we live in is spun from a collection of inner beliefs, perceptions, attitudes. We have to make it single and understandable, otherwise we couldn't deal with it. But the real world is not limited by our manipulations. It’s complex, full of infinite variation, the field where forces invisible to us create unnumbered possibilities. These forces can’t be fitted into the rigid structure of our boxes, so we never learn how to see them. Remember the catacombs? That was a glimpse of something outside your particular box, so it already has a few little chinks in it."
"So that's what I'm going to be working towards for the rest of my life, being able to see the real world?"
The Tinker gave him a long appraising look. "No one could remain so stupid for so long. I can only assume this is an act to get me to talk."
Caldar was bewildered. "It's not an act. I just want some clue about what’s coming. Rass has to look after the Talisman and lead the Sarai. He'll be right in the thick of that already. And I guess the rest of us will have to help him in some way. But what will I be doing? It was alright while we were travelling. We always had a place we were heading for and a reason for going there, to find the Talisman. That's all finished, so what now? What have I got to aim for?"
"I can't give you your aim, Caldar, you must find it for yourself. Trouble is you won't find your true aim until you make a move, and if you make a move without knowing your aim you’re bound to go wrong."
He looked questioningly at the youth, as though expecting an immediate response. Caldar's thoughts were in a whirl. He knew that this conversation was important to him, but how did he respond to conundrums referring to things he knew nothing about?
"Well, if a true aim's out of reach," he said haltingly, "how about something for now? It can't all happen at once, can it?" Seeing the smile on the Tinker's face, he continued, "'Yes and no', that's what you're about to say, isn't it? Please, Tinker, I'm serious. I need something to hang onto at the moment. I
'll stop asking about the whole Talisman thing, because I don't understand your replies. But now that we've started, I can't just forget about everything. It'll drive me mad at home if the future’s a complete blank."
"You're an interesting mixture of good sense and remarkable denseness, my lad." The Tinker sighed. "Well, we all had to start once. I don't think I was ever as naive as you, but then I didn't start with your advantages either. So we all begin equal one way or another."
He paused for such a long time, staring out over the rail at the mist drifting on the surface of the water, that Caldar thought maybe the conversation was over and he had missed his chance. Then without turning his head, the old man spoke again.
"You’ve already learned that the power that’s surfaced in you from time to time is not your own. You’re right. You’re like a lightning conductor that can attract force and channel it. But the lightning flashes as it pleases and a lightning conductor has no control over it. Worse still the conductor itself is a makeshift job, erected for each crisis and allowed to fall to bits immediately afterwards."
The youth recognised himself all too well and listened intently as the Tinker went on.
"You’re unusual in that considerable power has been channelled through you from the start. You must learn to control the channel and to do that you’ll have to acquire the other elements which can balance your gift: knowledge, your own personal power, discrimination. All are necessary and all are hard to master. Very few of those who set out to look for them persevere to the end. Knowledge and power themselves are the most persuasive of seducers and without discrimination either of them will lead a man far astray."
"Why do I need to acquire power, Tinker, if you say it's already available to me as a gift?"
"Your own power, I said. Without it you’ll never be able to handle the tremendous forces that you’ll encounter: but it’s not power as you think of it. Almost the opposite. Take Idressin as an example. When he was in the dungeon in Karkor, there was nothing he could usefully do to affect the coming of the Talisman. The forces involved were too great to be interfered with. So he did what he had to do, he used his power to shield you all from the Black Stone. Apart from that he conserved his energy. No useless gestures to relieve his own frustration or to keep Sammar happy. Then when the time came to act, he was ready. His perception was acute enough to see what was really happening and he had enough personal power remaining to do what was required. Whereas..."
"...when I was helping the wounded, I was throwing my energy around in every direction. But I was doing the only thing I could think of to help, Tinker. I was just too clumsy, I suppose."
"That's not the point. Unlike Idressin, you threw away your energy making gestures for your own satisfaction. If any more important need had arisen, you would have been quite unable to meet it. In fact unchecked you could have killed yourself."
Caldar gaped at the old man in hurt astonishment. "But it wasn't," he protested. "I wasn't...I mean I was doing it for the wounded, because they were in pain."
"You've no need to justify yourself to me, like a child," the Tinker said gently, and Caldar saw that that was in fact exactly what he wanted to do. Above all he sought the Tinker's approval for his actions; it would excuse him from examining them himself. Then suddenly the inner cloud of resentment was swept aside and he observed the simple truth. He had started out to relieve the pain of the men around him, but his instinctive pity had quickly been invaded and then drowned by the swelling chorus of praise and wonder which accompanied each encounter and led him on until he had exhausted himself.
"I don't see how I can defend myself against that, Tinker." He spoke quite dispassionately now. "And anyway what I was doing did help those people. And you spent a lot of time on the casualties yourself later on in the mountains."
"I'm not saying don't help anyone and I’m not blaming you for the way you did it, Caldar. But you asked about personal power and I’m using you and Idressin as examples. You squandered it and he preserved it. As you can see, it’s not really about power, it’s about you. Idressin has overcome the biggest single obstacle that you will have to face in the years ahead. He has no self-regard: that’s why the Spinners were not even aware of him when he was in the chamber with the Black Stone. And you have another example of personal power hanging at your breast all the time. Barrada accumulated great knowledge and power as Guardian of the First Talisman. When he faced death with his task unfulfilled, he wasted nothing in recrimination or sorrow or grand gestures: he simply transferred all that remained of his power to this amulet. As you have discovered for yourself, it’s no pretty trinket. What a stupendous feat and what self-sacrifice, to reach across more than a thousand years and come to the aid of his successors."
"I never even thought what it had cost him when I called for his help."
"Nothing's free, Caldar," the old man said in a curiously reflective tone. "Nothing at all."
Caldar was silent for a long time. The boat slid quietly by three large rocks, dark and low in the fading light, and altered course a few degrees to the right. They would anchor soon. The captain had said he had no intention of night sailing again until they were clear of the islands. Eventually as the anchor chain rattled down into the rain-ringed water, the youth roused himself to speak again.
“You said Idressin has no self-regard. And yet a few minutes before that you said the more I see of my own situation the better. How can I look at myself and not look at the same time?”
“Do you remember Idressin talking to you in the desert about saving energy, saying there was a secret for you to discover?” The youth nodded, not even bothering to speculate how the Tinker knew of the incident. “That’s where the answer to this little problem lies as well.”
“But I don’t know the secret.”
“Then learn it.”
"I still don't know what I should be doing. Knowledge, power, discrimination, I'm not going to acquire any of those back at Caran's farm milking cows and eating Lazalis' cakes."
"No. It's possible, but I agree it's unlikely," the Tinker replied casually.
"And that's all you're going to say?"
"You don't really need me to tell you that your travels are not over, Caldar, and that the same is true for the others also." The old man laughed. "I wouldn't care to risk leaving you or Tariska idle for too long. The pair of you would be a positive menace without plenty to do. But just for the moment do something difficult. Go home and forget about everything that's happened. The next summons will come when it comes."
This conversation had taken place the previous evening. The thrill of anticipation evoked by the Tinker's words still recurred whenever he thought about them. He wondered if the others knew about it yet and whether they would welcome it as avidly as he had himself. He had not seen either of them this morning. Even as the thought crossed his mind, he sensed a presence coming up behind him at the rail.
"Good morning, Tikka," he said without turning his head.
"How did you know it was me? Though I suppose it's pointless trying to sneak up on you of all people."
"Oh, come on. This joke of yours and Berin’s about my all-seeing eyes is wearing a bit thin. You just happen to smell nice."
"Oh, sir," Tariska said in a shy little-girl voice, "you have such a way with compliments."
They both laughed and with one accord fell into a companionable silence, watching the slowly shifting pattern of the mist. The ship hardly seemed to be moving, until they swept suddenly past a family of ducks, the chicks still skittering in panic back towards their mother as they disappeared swiftly into the fog astern.
"Berin's down at the stern," the girl volunteered. "He's become fascinated this last day or two with watching the men fishing down there. He says they're much better at it than you two ever were."
She paused, then resumed in a thoughtful tone, "It's funny, isn't it? In some ways I feel I know both of you better than anyone else in the world, and yet most of your life’s a complet
e blank to me. What's it like at Taccen's farm? Where did you go to school? Is there anyone special that you're eager to see again? All sorts of things I know nothing about. I'd like to have the time to find out."
"I thought you were desperate to get home, Tikka."
"I was. Now that we're nearly there I’m not so sure. I've come alive on this journey. When I get back to East End, I'll simply go back to sleep again, suffocate if you like."
"I know. It's much the same as I was saying to the Tinker last night, and he said 'don't worry, your travels are not over'. He said the same about you too."
"Did he? Well, he was a lot vaguer when I asked him," she replied in a low voice. "He advised me to pick up my law studies in Suntoren, said he wasn't sure when he’d be seeing me again. I asked about you and Berin too. He dodged that, just said nothing was certain, but I got the impression he might be calling on you both quite soon."
"Envious of us being chased around the world by Kulkin again, Tikka?" he queried in a bantering tone. "Law School's got to be better than the heat, the danger, prison, the Black Stone; you're forgetting an awful lot of nasty things that happened to us along the way."
Caldar gazed affectionately at the golden head beside him. The black dye Idressin had used to disguise her had clung on stubbornly and it had taken several months for her to lose the odd piebald effect as it grew out. He was just reflecting how patient Tariska had been over this affliction, how unlike the girl he had travelled with the previous year, when he realised with a small shock that her grey eyes were looking directly into his own with no hint of levity.
"I don't want us to part like this."
Caldar was struck dumb by the intensity of her words. The girl turned her head back towards the misty lake. "The gods know why I feel this way. The pair of you used to drive me nuts at times, Berin with his endless questions and clever comments, and you with your 'Mister Perfect' act. But it doesn’t get to me the same way now. You don't set my teeth on edge, when you see in the dark or speak to the Sarai chiefs in Barrada's voice." She started to laugh. "If only you’d seen Remakkib's face at that moment. It's nice to know that we're not the only people whose lives are being turned upside down."
The Tears of Sisme Page 85