He looked up from her pink mouth, his gaze alighting on her mahogany eyes. They were wonderful to see, he thought, and no longer felt the need to shield himself from their mysterious glow. They were brighter than usual. The tears—tears she’d shed not for herself but for him—made them shine all the more. He felt soothed, consoled; her concern wrapped around him, like a warm blanket around a baby.
It took him but one long step to reach her and he stopped short when he had; stopped and waited for her soft and wonderful arms to encircle him. He couldn’t suppress a deep tremble when he felt her fingers trickle like water down his back, her smooth palms pressed into him, caressing. Her full breasts touched his chest, cushioning her against him. They were so soft, so comforting, they reminded him of his only childhood treasure.
“I had a pillow when I was a little boy,” he said quietly. “I could sleep with no other. It was so soft, Chimera. I’d bury my face in it and feel it grow warm with my own body heat. It smelled like feathers. Like feathers and me. I swore I would never sleep without it because I knew with all my heart that it was surely the source of all my dreams. But when I left the orphanage, I left it behind. It—it didn’t seem right for a grown man to have a little pillow in his saddlebag.”
She smiled against his hair, feeling the thick strands caress her lips. “I had Squirrely,” she said. “It was a squirrel pelt. A passing trapper gave it to Xenia, and she gave it to me. She cut the head and feet off because they made me sad for the squirrel. It was soft too. Even though it sometimes made me sneeze, I slept with it every night. It’s lost now, though. I haven’t thought of Squirrely in years.”
“I haven’t thought of my pillow in years either.”
“It seems we both have things to think about,” she whispered. “Things that bring back comforting memories.” She pulled him closer to her.
Sterling moaned and crushed her to him, then bent and buried his face in the crook of her slight shoulder. Her fragrance of cinnamon swirled around him, calming him, soothing him.
Chimera’s heart swept into her throat. He was a huge man; she felt so tiny, so fragile in his powerful arms, and yet he needed her. The thought brought tears to her eyes again. She sank to the floor, pulling him down with her, and there, she wept into his hair.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered brokenly. “So sorry, Sterling, for everything I’ve done and everyone else has done to you. But I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. I—’All persons are puzzles until at last we find in some word or act the key to the man, to the woman; straightway all their past words and actions lie in light before us.’ Emerson. Thank you for confiding in me, Sterling. I can’t remember ever receiving such a wonderful gift.”
A gift, he thought. In his imagination, he saw her hands, white, soft, and gentle. And in them lay his soul, bare, vulnerable, and hurt. She held it so tenderly. She held it like a precious gift. Sterling sighed so deeply, there was no air left in him, but he needed none. Chimera’s tender arms and words satisfied his every need.
“Sterling,” she whispered hesitantly, “do you ever...cry?”
He shook his head. “I’m a man.”
“But...men can cry. Haven’t you ever wondered if crying would make you feel better? Haven’t—”
“No.”
She lapsed into silence and began to rock him. Back and forth, slowly, and for a very long time. He was soon asleep. She shifted so his head was in her lap. While smoothing his hair, she thought of everything he’d told her, until dawn crept into the cabin, surprising her.
From her spot on the floor, she peered out the window and saw the pink, orange, and gold sun cresting over the huge, dark mountain. As it rose, so did her own comprehension.
Sterling wasn’t really looking for his heritage, she finally understood. It wasn’t his inherited character for which he searched. Those things were only a part of what could fill the vast emptiness he’d tried to explain to her.
She recalled what he’d said about his mother. She’ll give me everything. The memory tore at her.
“Sterling,” she whispered so softly she couldn’t hear herself. “You’re looking for love, aren’t you? A deep, abiding love. You want the mother’s love you never had, and your quest drives you without mercy. In your eyes, she’s the only woman on earth who might ever love you completely, wholly, and with no conditions. The only one who might not demand anything from you. The one woman who might see you for who you are inside. You want her to tell you about that man. Coming from your mother’s lips, the words will have the ring of truth, won’t they, Sterling? You’ll believe everything she says.”
Her tear splashed upon his cheek. “How can I tell you, my love? What word is there that could possibly describe my fear for you? What words are there that could possibly describe my fear for you? What if she should spurn you? What if she takes all your dreams and shatters them right before your hope-filled eyes? Sterling...sweet heaven, what if...”
She raised her face to the window again. It had begun to rain. She listened to the violent pounding of the earth. It would be a dark day. But no darker than Sterling’s entire life had ever been.
And no darker than what might be in his future.
Chapter Twelve
From behind the ragged curtain, Chimera watched as Sterling walked Venus around the edge of the woods. The sight of him sent desire spinning through her. She hadn’t felt his touch in several weeks, since the night of his revelations. She yearned for him every night as she lay alone in her bed, but had never again joined him on his mat. He believed her to be in love with his sensuality, and she was sure that any advances she might make toward him would only deepen his conviction. She missed the sweetness of passion, which she’d only just begun to taste, but thought it was wiser to wait for Sterling to decide he missed it as much as she. It was a sacrifice that all her love for him allowed her to make.
She watched him sit by a tree and prop Venus in his lap. The baby was almost three months old and getting bigger and stronger each day. But while Chimera was happy the child was healthy, Venus’s growth also meant Sterling’s departure.
He hadn’t said a word about Tucson since the night he’d slept in her arms until dawn, but she realized that his silence on the subject didn’t mean he’d changed his mind about going. On the contrary, he inquired about Venus’s development frequently.
Chimera remained in a state of anxiety she couldn’t seem to shake. She worried about his confrontation with his mother and what it might do to him, and she wondered how it would be possible to ever be happy again without him. In her mind, Tucson had become synonymous with hell.
Her only hope of him staying lay in winning his love, but Sterling never spoke of love. Not ever. His belief that she loved only his lovemaking not only curtailed passion, it also curbed her tongue. Fear of his reaction, fear she would hurt him more than he already was, kept her from saying the three words she longed to shout to the entire world. She was so afraid of aggravating him in any way, she’d even warned the boys to behave themselves around him. She’d gone so far as to threaten them with the woodshed if they dared to disobey her instructions.
She sighed, her breath fogging the windowpane, and knew she’d never experienced such confusion. She couldn’t show Sterling her love physically, or tell him verbally, so what was she to do? How was she to act with him? She didn’t know how to be anyone other than who she was, but should she try? Sweet heaven, Just what was the one thing she could do to make him love her?
“Chimera,” Archibald said, and joined her at the window. “Where’s Sterling? He—Why are your cheeks so red?”
Her hands flew to her face. Thoughts of Sterling often made her blush, and now she’d been caught. “Red? I—uh...I made a pie, Archibald. I got hot standing over the oven.”
“Oh. Chimera, where’s Sterling? He promised to get my book off the roof. Snag threw it up there this morning.”
She stared at the boy, an idea dawning. Archibald had been an older child when he was
abandoned, old enough to remember what it was like to be unwanted. Maybe his memories could help her understand what to do for Sterling. But she certainly didn’t want to force Archibald to remember things that would hurt him again. How could she tactfully bring up the subject?
“‘Fessup, Chimera,” Archibald teased. “Whenever your eyes go all glowy like that, it means your mind is spinning.”
“I—Archibald, I...I want to ask you about something I’ve never asked you about before.” Laying her hand across his cheek, she absently slid her finger up and down his ear. “I know you can’t remember anything about your parents, but, well...I was wondering, you see...Archibald, do you remember how you felt the day I found you in the garden? You know I wouldn’t dream of asking such a question if it weren’t important for me to know, Archibald, and if you can’t answer, I’ll understand. It’s just that I’ve wondered so often. But you’ve no need to feel forced to—”
“I remember,” he said quietly. “I felt like garbage, like an old, broken thing no one wanted anymore. It hurts so much...to be thrown away, Chimera. It’s the kind of ache you just can’t believe anyone else has ever known. I didn’t think I was good enough to deserve any kind of affection at all. I felt so...so hollow. My parents—they must have really hated me to just leave me to die, like I was some sick animal.” He looked down at his twisted leg.
“But Archibald,” Chimera whispered, sorrow for him clogging her throat, “you can’t really be sure your parents—”
“Yes, I’m sure.” He shuffled his feet awkwardly, unable to meet her gaze. “Chimera, I lied to you the day you found me. I told you I couldn’t remember anything, but I’ve never forgotten. I’m only telling you now because you’ve asked. It was my father. He was angry because I freed a rabbit from a trap he’d set. It was only a baby rabbit, Chimera, and way too little to eat. I felt sorry for it. But my father—he’d been drinking, and...He did this to my leg while my mother stood by and watched. We’d been on our way out to California. They left me near here and went on. Maybe they got scared about what they’d done. I could see the smoke coming from your cabin and dragged myself along until I reached your garden. It took me almost two days.
“When you found me—Chimera, I was too ashamed to tell you the real story. I thought you might think it was my fault, that I was such a horrible boy no one could stand me. I sort of thought that myself, but I didn’t want you to think it. You looked so concerned when you picked me up out of the dirt, and my leg hurt so bad. I dared to hope you would help me...keep me.”
“Sweet heaven, Archibald!” Chimera pulled him to her, holding him tightly. “How could you think I’d believe you to be a horrible child? Oh, to think you’ve suffered your secrets all these years!”
Archibald squirmed out of her arms. “Chimera, you’re more upset than I am! And, except for times my leg throbs, I haven’t suffered all that much. I did at first, but I haven’t since.”
“You haven’t?” she asked incredulously.
He shook his head. “I’ve got you now. You and those monsters I like to call my brothers. But you mostly, Chimera. You’re the one who helped me to forget and be happy.”
Her heart did a little leap. “And...and how did I do that, Archibald?” She tried to remember what miraculous thing she’d done for Archibald. She couldn’t recall anything stupendous, but whatever marvel she’d performed, she hoped it would work with Sterling as well. She leaned forward, determined to memorize every word Archibald was about to tell her.
“You loved me,” he informed her with a grin. “You fed me, clothed me, and made me stay out of the rain. You scolded me when I’d done something wrong, but you never stayed mad real long. You read me stories. You made me wash my face when it was dirty, and you made me remember to say my prayers. You kissed me good night and gave me hugs any time I happened to come near you. You never made fun of the way I walk and never turned away at the sight of my leg. You accepted me with all my faults. You made me believe I belonged here. You just loved me, Chimera.”
But that was so simple! she thought incredulously. It didn’t sound like much at all! Then again, she mused, smiling at Archibald, perhaps to someone who’d never had such things, they meant the entire world. She’d always had them with Xenia, and she realized now she’d taken them for granted.
How wrong she’d been, withholding her love from Sterling, Keeping back the one thing he needed most in the world! Why, he needed all the things Archibald had needed! Someone to fuss over him, scold him occasionally. He needed to be hugged and kissed and kept out of the rain. For all his faults, from his extreme cynicism to his bullheaded stubbornness, he needed unrestrained acceptance.
Sweet heaven, Sterling needed a home. A real home. A place that sometimes rang with laughter and sometimes ran with tears. He needed all the ups and downs that a normal household experienced from day to day. For all his attempts at trying to explain what it was he was looking for, he was searching for normalcy, for a wholesome atmosphere in which he could let down his guard and be the person he’d never had the chance to be.
And most important of all, he needed love. She realized now that there was no one way to make love grow. It just happened. It was a swirling, complicated mixture of all things simple. She smiled broadly.
Archibald grinned up at her. “I love you, Chimera,” he said, and threw himself into her arms.
“I love you too, Archibald,” she murmured into his hair. And thank you, she added silently. Thank you for showing me the way.
From his spot in the woods, Sterling saw their embrace. It had been weeks since Chimera had held him like that. She’d changed since the night he’d told her all the secrets she’d longed to know. It was as if she didn’t want to be near him anymore. She didn’t actually avoid him, but her disposition was no longer merry and easy.
Venus kicked his belly. He looked down into her huge eyes. They were such a dark brown, they were almost as black as her hair. She wasn’t as small or fragile as she used to be, and he’d overcome his fear of holding her. He guessed it would be only a couple more months before she could travel. The thought of leaving somehow wasn’t as pleasant as it had once been.
“Tell me what she’s done to me, Venus,” he pleaded softly to the baby. “Why do I miss hearing her ridiculous spells? Explain to me why every time I see her I hope she’ll go into one of those long, irrelevant monologues that aggravate the hell out of me. And for pity’s sake, please help me understand me why I put these on this morning.”
He kicked off his boot and wiggled his toes. “Look at that, Venus,” he said, showing her his feet. “Pink socks. Have you ever seen such a thing in your life? She made them two months ago. I told her then that I wanted some men’s clothes, that I felt like a damn rainbow wearing the ones she made. But she just smiled that simple smile of hers and quoted some stupid quote that had to do with accepting our blessings. Blessings. Pink socks are blessings, according to her. But...she hasn’t told me a quote in a long time, Venus. And she doesn’t smile much anymore either.
“And the three demons,” he continued with a frown. “They’ve been acting more like angels lately. Tiptoeing around me like the slightest noise will break me into bits. It’s damn sickening, is what it is, Venus, and as much as I hate to admit this, I miss their mischief. I want them to behave themselves, but Dios mio, I want them to act like the boys they are.”
He looked toward the yard. The barn was finished, the fences mended, the garden flourishing, and he’d begun fashioning logs for the new cabin. When he left. Chimera would want for nothing.
“When I leave,” he whispered, his chest tightening. He wondered what it would be like without Chimera, how long it would take him to get used to not having her near, and why those thoughts were so uncomfortable.
“Whatever the reasons are, we’re going to miss her, aren’t we, Venus? But you—Venus, you’ll be fine at San Francisco de Sales. The sisters are busy all the time, but they’re good people. And Father Tom...he’s busy t
oo, but I can promise you he’ll find time to take care of any and all emergencies. You’ll be safe there, ninita, and Chimera and the boys will be safer with you there too. And I—I’ll go to Tucson, and I’ll—well, I’ll find everything...what I’ve never...I’ll go and see what’s there. Doesn’t that all make sense?”
Venus spit up on his breeches.
“Oh, hell!” he cursed, looking down at the mess. “You women are all alike! You catch a man off-guard, and—”
Loud, violent shouting cut him off in mid-sentence. It came from the cabin, and Sterling, after grabbing up his boot, wasted no time getting there. “What the hell is going on in here?” he demanded as he stormed inside. “I was all the way out in the woods, and I could still hear the three of you yelling!”
The triplets tried to explain all at once, but all Sterling could understand was the word “pie.”
At his obvious confusion, Chimera shouted, “They’re fighting over the berry pie I made this morning. They’ve each had a big piece, and now they all want the last slice.”
Sterling looked at the pie. It irritated him that the boys were fighting over food, refusing to share, but with his irritation rose a hint of gladness. It was nice hearing their familiar yelling again.
“Well, it ain’t fair!” Snag yelled at Sterling. “I did more work than Snig and Snug, so I should get the last—”
“You didn’t do shit today!” Snug retorted. “Slingin’ stones at the damn trees ain’t no kind of work!”
“You didn’t do shit neither!” Snig hollered at Snug. “I’m the one who had to do all the work around here today! I hauled off every bit of that stinkin’ mess from Pegasus’s stall all by myself! The pie is mine!” He reached for it.
Sterling reached it first and held it high over his head, Venus straddling his hip. “Be quiet. All of you.”
By now the triplets had learned to respect Sterling’s soft-spoken commands. They became silent immediately.
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