“Chimera,” he whispered. “Oh, Chimera.”
He closed his eyes and saw her. Brandy. Cinnamon. Fire. Sable and ivory. He saw her in all her splendor. “Chimera,” he whispered again.
His eyes still closed, he hesitantly raised his hand and laid it on his shirt pocket. There he kept it for a long moment before his trembling fingers reached inside. They touched paper. Slowly, shakily, he withdrew and unfolded it. Finally, he opened his eyes and looked at what he held.
It was the drawing Chimera had given him for Christmas, of the happy afternoon they’d had not so very long ago. For almost two months he had chosen not to look at it, and the drawing had remained folded and out of his sight. But now...he couldn’t stop himself from staring at it. They were all there. Chimera, the triplets, Archibald, Pegasus, Venus, Athena, Apollo, he and Gus.
And the stack of dead branches. Dios mio, he’d never cleared them away for her. He’d promised he would, and he hadn’t done if.
His eyes filled. The drawing became so blurred, he could no longer see it. A tear fell upon it. He tried to wipe it off but only smeared the picture. Desperately, he tried to dry the page, but couldn’t. Frustration mingled with his sorrow. He let forth a low moan.
God, he missed her. He missed them all. His shoulders shook with the need for the release he’d kept inside for two months. It tore at him. Hurt him. It boiled. It was a great, churning sea of pain, but using every shred of inner strength he possessed, he struggled to subdue it.
They who are sad find somehow sweetness in tears. “Euripides,” he remembered aloud.
You’re gold inside. Throw yourself into the fire, Sterling. Melt away the pain, and be pure.
“No,” he whispered. “No, Chimera! Why did you tell me those things? No. Do you hear me? No!”
He tried to tear her image from his memory. But he could still see her. Hear her.
Tears come from the heart, Sterling. And a man with a heart is the strongest kind of all.
He tried to forget, tried to resist, but the words swept gently through him. Patiently, they sought his silent agony, and sweetly, they freed it.
Gold. Precious gold.
With a raw cry of anguish, Sterling bent over the pew ahead of him, lay his head on his arms, and wept.
His shoulders shook, his cries sounded throughout the church. An uncontrollable misery surged from him, but he felt no shame. He could only feel Chimera’s presence. For one moment, he allowed his anger at her to fade, to disappear. He needed her desperately, and in his mind she became the woman he’d wanted her to be. “Hold me,” he begged her. “Hold me, Chimera.”
She did. In his thoughts, she held him, her own tears dripping into his hair, her words of comfort whispering through his mind. He lay in her arms, drenching her lap with his pain, his hurt, and all his terrible sorrow.
All his broken dreams.
“Sterling,” Father Tom said quietly from the back of the church. “You’ve been in here with God for two hours. Come, my boy, let’s walk. He’s outside too, you know.”
Sterling rose and joined the priest. “I’ll never see her again, Father,” he said brokenly. “Not ever again.”
“And do you really want to?” Father Tom asked, leading Sterling to the nuns’ garden. “Sterling, your mother—”
“Brianna is dead,” Sterling said flatly. “She died back there in the church. I’ve mourned and buried her. I will never think of her again.”
“Ah, then it’s the girl you say you’ll never see again. And you miss her, is that it?”
Sterling nodded. “And the children too. But she—”
“Children?” Father Tom stopped and stared at Sterling in complete astonishment. “What children? Sterling—Tell me it isn’t true! For the love of God, tell me you didn’t leave your babies!”
Sterling frowned in confusion. “What? Babies? Father, there was only one baby. Venus—”
“Venus? And you left your little Venus?” Father Tom thundered. “Sterling, how could you do such a thing! To leave a woman with your baby! How—”
“My baby?” Sterling shouted. “Father, I don’t have a baby! Chimera doesn’t have my baby! She—” He broke off, the mention of Chimera having a baby sending him into a sudden panic. Dios mio, was it possible she might have conceived and not told him? Had she been with child when he left her? Could it be that already her belly swelled with his baby?
“Well, Sterling? Do you or don’t you have a baby?”
“I—She—We—”
“Stammering. A sure sign of guilt to my way of thinking. You never could talk right when you were lying. Sterling! How could you do this, my boy? To leave a child! To leave a girl who—”
“But she didn’t tell me!”
“She hid the child from you?”
“It’s not born!” Sterling yelled.
“What? You left an unborn—”
“Father, I had no idea she—”
“She didn’t tell you she was with child?”
“No! Santa Maria, she never said a word! She—” He broke off and ran his fingers through his hair, attempting to get hold of his tangled emotions. Baby. Baby? Surely Chimera would have told him.
“Sterling—”
“Father, wait,” Sterling said, his reason returning. “If Chimera had conceived—believe me, she’d have shouted it to the whole word, quoted every quote she knows about babies, childbearing, and parenthood. No, Father. I cannot believe she carries my child.”
Father Tom sat on the bench in the garden and folded his hands in his lap, a new thought dawning on him. “But for a moment you believed she was with child. This can only mean one thing. Was she a virgin when you lay with her the first time?” he asked bluntly.
Sterling couldn’t look at the priest. “Yes.”
“And you saw it as your duty to deflower her.”
Sterling did not respond.
“I take it that means yes. Sterling, how could you? To take your pleasure with a girl as if she were nothing but an object God put down here for your enjoyment! To take—”
“It wasn’t like that! She—I didn’t use her! Father, I did not abuse her like that. We—”
“But she still lost her virginity to you. If you didn’t use or abuse her, the only conclusion I can come up with is that she raped you.”
“No.”
“Then?”
“It was...a mutual agreement.”
“Ah, I begin to see. She’s a prostitute.”
“No! Father, you don’t understand. You’re a priest.”
“I’m a priest now, but I wasn’t always. I do understand the urges you’re trying to explain to me, Sterling, but I don’t condone giving in to them before receiving the sacrament of holy matrimony. Did you plan to marry this girl?”
“No.” He remembered the Apache. Under their law, he was married to Chimera. “No,” he repeated.
Father Tom saw the torrent of emotions in Sterling’s eyes. Something was tearing at the boy, and Father Tom knew it was connected to the girl called Chimera. “Did she reject you after the two of you...eh, became so well-acquainted?”
“No!”
“You don’t have to shout.”
“I’m sorry. No, Father, she didn’t reject me. In fact, she tried to trap me into marrying her!”
“And with just cause.”
“No! She—”
“Sterling, you’re shouting again.”
Sterling kicked a rock and watched it roll across the yard and into a tree. He didn’t want to have this discussion, but could tell by Father Tom’s expression that the priest had every intention of badgering the truth out of him. There was no escaping. Sterling had been unable to do it as a child, and he couldn’t now either. “She was like all the others, Father. No different.”
“But did all the others have this profound effect on you?”
The question caught Sterling off-guard. He searched for a way to defend himself. “I was leaving her,” he blurted. “I’d made it cl
ear from the very beginning that I was only staying until Venus was old enough to travel. But she—”
“Sterling, who is Venus? Who—”
“But the very morning I was going to leave, Chimera took Venus and left!” Sterling continued wildly, not hearing Father Tom’s question. “I’ve never been so angry Father. It took me three days to find her! I had to take the triplets, and they aggravated die—”
“Triplets? Sterling—”
“I was furious with the whole motley crew! There we were, Father, out in the middle of nowhere, and Chimera was actually philosophying to the Apaches! She had Venus—”
“Sterling, hold on! I can’t understand anything you’re saying. One thing at a time, my boy. Start with Chimera. Tell me what she’s like.”
“What she’s like?” Sterling repeated, and rolled his eyes. “Father, you can’t even imagine. She believes in gnomes, werewolves, magic—She has this caldron. She brews potions in it. She even wears a black hat sometimes. She makes up spells. They’re ridiculous and they never work. Except for the bear...it left when she called it Barry and told it she’d put it in the cemetery. One night she turned desert plants into philosophers. She asked them questions and had them answer her. Have you ever heard of anything so outlandish?”
“Well...Barry the bear?”
“And she puts berries in her navel and pretends they’re onyx,” Sterling went on, the memories coming so fast he could barely control them. “She chatters and wanders completely off the subject. She has a camel named Pegasus. He bites, the vicious, stinking thing. I got her Medusa, but she refused the mare. She has a moon made of moles on her belly. Her hair—Father, you’ve never seen such hair—it almost touches the ground. And her clothes! She puts together the most outrageous color combinations you’d ever imagine. Red with turquoise. Purple and orange. She had me wearing those wild colors too, Father. And the children wear them. We—”
“You keep mentioning the children, Sterling. Who are these children?”
“Archibald,” Sterling murmured, and wondered if the boy was riding yet. “He has a mangled leg, but he doesn’t drag it anymore the way he used to. And Snig, Snag, and Snug. Buck-toothed devils. I built a woodshed and took them to it when they’d been bad. They were so wild. I never spanked them hard, just often. Consistency is the key with children. After a while, I earned their respect. And...and they earned mine. They—Chimera...I wanted to trust her, but she—I couldn’t. Father Tom—” He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but it wouldn’t budge. He dragged his fingers through his hair.
“Sit down with me, my son,” Father Tom said, and moved over as Sterling obeyed. “Why did you leave that...uh, motley crew? It sounds to me like you enjoyed every second you spent with them. And what’s this about not misting Chimera?”
“I told you. She’s like all the others.”
“From what you’ve told me, I doubt there’s another woman in the world like her.”
“No, Father. You’re wrong. The wickiup she made with Antonio—We’d gone to the Apache camp to return Venus. Chimera and Antonio made a wickiup, and—”
“Sterling! Padre!” Mother Maria called, and scurried across the courtyard. “See what Sister Bernadette she makes for you! It is apple pie! Eat while it is warm!”
Sterling accepted his plate though he couldn’t help remembering a dozen berry pies. Dios mio, would he ever be able to forget them?
“Sterling, eat,” Mother Maria insisted again.
He had no appetite, but did as she asked and brought a forkful of the apple pie to his mouth. He caught the pungent scent of cinnamon. Cinnamon.
Cinnamon fire. He could smell her. Chimera. He put his fork down.
Father Tom saw the faraway look in Sterling’s eyes. “You’re thinking about her again. Chimera. It’s a beautiful name if you don’t think of the mythological creature. And I’m reasonably sure she doesn’t look like a monster.”
“No,” Sterling whispered.
Father Tom took a moment to grin down at his pie. “There’s another meaning for the word chimera, Sterling,” he said slyly. “A chimera is an illusion. An unreachable dream. It sounds to me like you had the dream right in your hand. But you didn’t trust it, and you let it go.”
“She—”
“Hold on, my boy. I will ask the questions, if you don’t mind. You’ve made no sense at all so far. Now, what horrible thing did Chimera do with the wickiup that made you so angry? And, by the way, you never did say what you were doing in the Apache camp in the first place. Why—”
“To return Venus. She’s Apache, and Chimera wanted to return her to her people. I was going to bring Venus here, but Chimera—On the very day I was going to leave! All of a sudden she got it into her head to—”
When Sterling stopped talking so abruptly, Father Tom shook his head. There was no understanding the boy, he mused, and took a bite of his pie. No understanding at all.
“She knew,” Sterling murmured, and stared fixedly at the wilted flowers in front of him. “She knew I’d leave as soon as Venus was old enough to travel. She had to have realized that without Venus...and yet she took Venus anyway, knowing lull well her actions would give me the freedom to go to Tucson. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“You can say that again,” Father Tom said, and shrugged his shoulders at the confused Mother Maria.
Sterling felt his chest tighten with new and sudden knowledge. “She’d tried to make me love her. Said she’d be a coward if she didn’t try. Yet even so, she sacrificed her own dream. By taking Venus, she let go of her own fantasy and cut short the time she still had left to try and make it come true. Father, what do you think of that?”
“Well, I—”
“She—” Sterling stood, his plate of pie falling to the ground. “She...She was telling the truth! She wasn’t lying when she denied knowing about Apache weddings! Father Tom—Mother Maria—Don’t you see? She wasn’t trying to manipulate me into anything! She didn’t have any idea I would follow her when she left with Venus! For all she knew, I might have been gone when she returned to the boys! She must have realized the possibility! Doesn’t that prove her innocence? I mean, a woman who has already made such a sacrifice on behalf of another...does that sound like a scheming, manipulative female? Dios mio...My God, what have I done?”
“You’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain, that’s what you’ve done,” Father Tom scolded with a smile.
“She does love me! Why else would she have followed me after I left her with the Apaches? I was furious with her, and yet she risked my rage and followed me! I said awful things to her, and yet she never once gave up trying to get through to me. She turned all those desert plants into...all that effort...she just kept hoping, kept telling me about faith, hope, and love.”
“May God bless her,” Father Tom said, and crossed himself.
“She knelt beside me in the sand...so humble...she the victim, I, the accuser. She said she’d never stop trusting me. Father...”
“Go on, son,” Father Tom smiled broadly.
“I...” A soft breeze curled around Sterling. It swept through his hair. Sterling, come back. Please come back. We miss you. We need you. We love you. Come home, Sterling.
The words swirled softly into him. The gentle breeze flowed warmly about him. “Did you hear anything, Father? A woman’s voice? Did you hear her call my name?” He turned and looked north, from where the breeze had come—north where the Dragoons lay.
Father Tom looked at Mother Maria, who was looking at Sterling as if he’d lost his wits. With a finger to his lips, he asked her to remain silent. “Well now, Sterling, now that you mention it, I think I did hear a girl’s voice. And yes, she called you, she definitely did.”
Sterling, come back. We love you. Come home.
The words came to him again. He had no doubt, now—Chimera was calling him back to the cabin he’d built.
“Father,” he whispered. “Is it home?”
“Well, of course it i
s,” the priest responded, though he had no idea what Sterling was talking about.
“I built it,” Sterling mumbled.
“And you did a darn good job too,” the priest answered, and winked at Mother Maria.
“The children...” Sterling began, his gaze never leaving the distant north.
“Crippled and devilish, but lovable all the same,” Father Tom finished for him.
“And Chimera...” Sterling began again.
“Make an honest woman of her, my boy.”
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
“She offered me laughter,” he whispered. “I chose sorrow instead. She showed me how to play. I—I haven’t played since. She—she gave me her heart. I...broke it and gave it back. Rapunzel’s kisses... Dios mio, I was so blind. She... Father, she tried to give me heaven. I chose hell.”
“Rotten choice,” Father Tom answered. “Change your mind, my boy. Take heaven.”
“Yes,” Sterling whispered. Warm. He felt so warm. He knew such a gentle peace, such harmony inside him. He savored it for a long while before turning to look down at the priest behind him. “Father, you aren’t going to believe this.”
“Try me.”
“Love isn’t a lightning bolt. It’s a breeze. Father, I love Chimera.”
“Really? Well, knock me over with a feather.”
“I’ve been such a fool, Father Tom.”
“Confused, I think, is a kinder word.”
“I left the most wonderful girl in the world.”
“Come to think of it, fool might be just the word.”
Sterling laughed loudly, and without warning, raced away, but stopped after he’d run only a few yards. “I have to go back. Father, Mother. I have to go back. Today! Right now!”
“Then what are you waiting for?” Father Tom asked.
Sterling waved good-bye to Father Tom, the nuns, and the orphans who had gathered to bid him farewell, then he sent Gus into a thundering gallop. A brisk wind blew with him, not against him.
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