by Brea Viragh
The knocking came again.
“What do you want?”
He opened the door despite her caustic response. “Hey, I’m sorry, but I’m not going anywhere.” She was clearly spooked, he thought. Her eyes enormous, her skin pale. “Will you tell me what’s wrong? You look like you’re going to vomit.”
“No, that’s only how I feel when I look at you,” she retorted.
“You’re upset about what Vane told you to do to take down Darkness. Aren’t you? There’s something you held back from the others over dinner. What was it?”
The shakes began before she could stop them. “Sorry. I don’t think I’m ready to tell anyone yet.” Still, she rose from the bed and crossed the room to fall against him.
“Naz…what’s going on with you?” Before she had a chance to protest, he scooped her up into his arms and booted the door shut. “You can talk to me, you know. I’m here for you. I’m here to listen. Whatever it is you couldn’t say down there, know you can say it now and it stays between the two of us. Okay?”
“I can’t stop shaking. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t stop. This is ridiculous. I’m acting like a child.”
“It’s not ridiculous. It’s a natural reaction. It’s probably a delayed reaction to your short circuit.” He sat and kept her on his lap. He managed to wrangle a blanket to tuck around the both of them. “You’ll be fine in a minute.”
“She spoke to me in the bathtub. I know Morgan said he could keep her out while we’re in the house, but she was there. I don’t know how this works. She pulled me into this in between place.” Nasira fisted her hand in his shirt. Tried to steady herself. “The bitch got inside my head again! I don’t know how to keep her out. And yes, before you say it, I wasn’t wearing the necklace, and at this point I’m not even sure it can hold against her.”
His stroking hands did the trick. He combed them through her thick hair and, god bless him, tried to keep up with the conversation. “Okay. Why don’t you tell me about it? What’s her face…Cecilia? She was there?”
“She was but she wasn’t. I’m not sure how to explain it to you.”
“Try. For me. I’m here to give you an ear this time around. If you don’t use me I’ll start to feel useless,” he told her.
Exhausted, she let her head rest against his shoulder. Her heart racing. At least she no longer felt like she was being strangled.
“I’m not used to feeling useless,” Brock continued, keeping his words even and his tone modulated to comfort her. “I’m a single father. It would be like taking a chef out of a kitchen and asking him to do something else.” He tried to keep his voice soft, to talk to her and give her something else to think about. Pleased when she made no move to get off of his lap. Silver lining? He’d take what he could get. “This isn’t like you.”
“I know, it’s not like me. I was just trying to take a bath. Let the hot water run over me and soothe away whatever’s been wrong. Whatever’s going on in my head.” She closed her eyes and let the motion of his hand ease the rest of her nerves. “I guess I went too far into myself. It’s like reality shifted and before I knew it, she was there and I lost control. I think that was the scary part. It happened in a second. I was there in the bath, then she was there, and she wasn’t leaving until she’d had a say.”
Nasira shifted and rubbed her hands over her chin. “The air was different. I was different.”
He glanced down at her and forced a smile, dimples flashing on his cheeks. “I like picturing you in the tub.”
“Brock, me being naked isn’t the issue.”
“I’m sure you looked terrific.”
“You’re trying to distract me.”
“Absolutely. Tell me. What did you want, in this dream? Does anything stand out to you?” he asked.
“It wasn’t a dream, number one. Number two…okay, you’re right. I was thinking that it was better to be there, alone, then here surrounded by everyone and dealing with this mess. I want to do the right thing but I’m tired of feeling like I’m being manipulated.”
“Totally understandable, Naz. It’s a normal reaction.”
“Sure. It’s normal, but it’s not my reaction,” she said.
Their eyes met and she remembered the first time she and Brock had been together. Alone. He had the same serious and intense expression, watching her with his rich hazel eyes. No matter where life took them, she appreciated that he understood her. He knew she didn’t need any meaningless words of sympathy. She needed someone who was able to cut straight through the bullshit to the heart of the matter.
“Here, I feel like I’m getting away from myself. I’m starting down a path I never intended to tread, and it scares me,” she said.
She was glad they were sitting. She was afraid if she stood her legs might go weak and she’d collapse. It would be very bad for her ego, she mused, trying to psych herself up for the next part of her story. “I know it was her I heard today, telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t belong here. That the others didn’t want me around and I was nothing but a failure. I knew then what was happening and then she was there, and I was frozen. I couldn’t stop her.”
“Take it easy,” Brock soothed. He closed his hand over hers and squeezed.
She wouldn’t tell him what was offered if she caved. Him begging. Her practice growing. None of it was real, anyway.
“The scene shifted and I saw the night they made the choice. I saw the storm raging. I saw when they touched the stone and the world went to hell. It was wind and rain and cold. Cold to the point where I never thought I’d be warm again. Cecilia turned to look in my eyes and there was nothing but darkness there. Her mouth opened and I felt her around me. Slipping through me. I tried to run and I fell. There was pain, horrible pain.”
Her voice broke and she hated her weakness. “The stone ripped out her soul, Brock. She’s had to endure centuries of agony trapped between worlds. Protecting us. But she dammed herself for it, and it wasn’t fair. I couldn’t get out.”
“Hey, rest your head. You’re starting to shake again.” He tucked the blanket tighter around her and held her close.
“I came to and Aisanna was there,” Nasira said, her teeth chattering. “I could hardly save myself. She took me.”
“Naz, she didn’t have you anywhere. Remember what your sisters have said? She only has power if you let her. You didn’t let her, which means it was nothing but a dirty trick,” he insisted. “She might be strong, but she’s obviously not strong enough to fool you for long.” He gently eased back until he could see her face again. See her shaking her head and doubting herself. “She might have gotten a teensy little toehold in your subconscious, but you’re aware, and she’ll never get the whole thing. She can’t hurt you here, and she can’t push you into the depths of your mind without you knowing what’s happening. Make sense?”
“Maybe,” she hedged.
“The more you doubt yourself, the more power you give her. Stop.”
“You don’t pull any punches, do you?” Nasira grimaced. “You know just how to go for the gut. I was scared!”
“Get un-scared and move past it. You know what would be better? Get angry. Get pissed off. It will help you in the long run. Trust me, I know you have a lot of pent up anger inside of you.”
“I know you’re right,” she agreed.
“Let me get you something to drink. I’m not sure you’ve had enough water today,” he offered jokingly.
Still watching him, she let out a small chuckle. “Yeah. I think you’re right.”
She liked the way he snickered when he walked out of the room. It was a stable sound. A sound she remembered from her life before. It made her feel better about curling against him like a teary shrimp.
It was a reminder that, no matter how far the Darkness pushed her, she wasn’t alone. Not really. And she wasn’t expected to do anything alone, either. She could get through this.
She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders a
nd looked around the room, the comforts of home. They were there in the warm colors of the wood. In the books strewn throughout the space.
Yes, she could get through this.
Brock came back a moment later with two glasses of water. “I’ve never seen you this freaked out before.”
“I’m not used to being this freaked out. I don’t suppose you’d mind keeping me company for a little while longer?”
“Don’t be accommodating. I’ve gotten used to you being prickly and distant. I would lose my footing.”
The smile was slow to come, but when it finally did, it stayed. “I’m sorry. I’ve been putting you out. I do care about you, Brock. And now that I’ve embarrassed myself,” she paused, took the water from his hands and downed the entire thing, “I think I should go outside and take a second to breathe. Maybe the cool air will do me good.”
He shifted to block her exit before she had a chance to bolt. “Not so fast, woman. I care about you, too. In case you didn’t notice. I want you to feel safe.” There was a quick flash of frustration over his face. There and gone faster than the blink of an eye.
It made her feel a little better. Like her own anger could come and go quickly as well.
“I’m fine. I’ll be fine,” she insisted.
“There it is. The reaction I was waiting on from you,” Brock told her. “Your go-to, if I’m remembering correctly. An odd combination of annoyance and edginess. I’ve been asking myself why you fight so hard against me instead of fighting against the self-destructive voices in your head. You’re unwilling to let me in.”
The admission made him sad and at that moment, she couldn’t stand it. “You’re observant. I have no intention of letting you in. I’m dealing with too many other things to deal with you, too.” In her mind, it was not the time for them to have this talk. This was time for action. Hadn’t Brock said something about that earlier? She was finally able to tap back into that part of her.
She pushed out of bed and tried to move past him again. He closed a hand over her wrist to hold her in place. She watched temper rush over his spectacular handsome face and felt an answering reaction inside of her. Yes, better. Much better.
“You’re wasting your time fighting me, Naz. Because we both know the feelings are there.”
“Let go of me.”
Since it became apparent very quickly that Brock had no intention of letting the subject drop, Nasira stiffened her spine. Which meant, she thought a little silkily, she was going to have to drop her walls. She wasn’t ready to let them go.
“I don’t want to do this,” she tried to plead to him. “Please.”
Brock forced his gaze to harden. “Now is the perfect time, because it’s been cooped up for too long. Call it playing dirty, catching you when you’re down. We might die in a few days and I refuse to let this go unaired.”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you push this on me when I have so much,” she replied, frowning.
“The words I hear coming out of your mouth aren’t you, Nasira. It’s her. Tell me what you want.”
When she spoke again, her voice shook. “You hurt me. I don’t want to be hurt again.”
“Then you listen and I’ll talk. I love you. I always have, and I probably always will until the end of my days. I love the smell of your hair and your skin. I love your eyes and the secrets they hide, the spark of intelligence when I do something stupid but you keep your reaction to yourself. I know I do a lot of stupid things. Leaving you behind was one of them. I didn’t fight hard enough for you then. I’m willing to do it now.”
Warning bells were lost under the thundering cadence of her heart. “Don’t tell me this.”
“This is our time. Don’t you understand? We both stood back and let the other leave. I didn’t fight hard enough for you, but goddamit, you didn’t fight either. You stepped away because you knew it would hurt less that way. How did it work out for you?” he asked. His brows drew together. “It sucked for me, and I thought about you every day while I was gone. Losing you was a mistake. The only good thing that came out of it was Callie. I refuse to apologize for her.”
“I would never ask you to.”
“Just let me love you, Naz.”
CHAPTER 19
He bent to touch his lips gently to hers. There was hesitation in her body. The urge to fight and refusal to surrender. He adored her for it, but urged his own needs to take a backseat.
He went slowly for both of their sakes. Saving what he wanted to devour. His head spun but her lips were warm and moved against his. Made more arousing by the tiniest hint of heat he sensed was strapped down inside of her.
He sighed when she let him take her deeper. The kiss was slow and soft, expelling the last of the chill in the air.
The years apart, once a wide chasm between them, began to knit together with this kiss.
She drew back and he let her. He let her clasp his hands and bring them up to his chest.
“You’re asking a lot from me,” she said. Staring at their combined fingers. “I’m not sure of the answers. It’s hard to forgive you, way harder to forgive myself for acting like an idiot and for letting my fear hold me back. Give me some time to figure it out.”
“Anything for you. I’m here,” he responded. The deep rhythm of his voice went husky and her knees clacked in response.
“You’ve waited a long time.”
“Yes, I have. Forget about it.”
There was one thing she knew. It stood out with crystal-like clarity. The love she had for Brock now paled in comparison to what she felt for the boy. Not even in the same hemisphere.
It would be easy to work off her sexual and emotional frustration with more magic practice. She wasn’t designed to take the easy way out.
Brock was holding her still. He was handsome and romantically rugged, his black hair framing a strong face. His compelling eyes smiling into hers.
“I love you, Nasira,” he repeated. “I never knew I could still feel this strongly after all this time, but it’s there, and it’s not going away. You’re in my mind. You’re in my heart. And when I was gone, I could tuck you into a corner and try to forget. You still managed to pop right out again.”
“I’m like a hemorrhoid, am I?” She jerked her chin up.
“The worst kind of hemorrhoid. I want to keep you there so maybe I’m a glutton for punishment.” He freed a hand to reach up and tug a lock of her hair. “The worst thing I can think about right now is you walking out of here without me ever knowing if you still want me.”
Facing her fears head on, Nasira angled her head. “You want honesty?”
“Absolutely.”
“I do want you. I want to take you to bed and let you bury yourself inside of me. It’s like a constant ache. It never goes away. And if you aren’t in the mood right now, then you better walk out the door and make a run for it.”
He shook his head. “Sounds good to me.”
Whatever else she’d wanted to say slipped back down her throat when Brock used her body against her, swinging her off of her feet.
“I like when you cart me around like I’m a little slip of a woman.”
“Yes, well, we have to give into our caveman instincts.”
“Don’t hold back on me.”
“I would never. I have plans for you.”
She went gooey inside when he nipped at her bottom lip. “I wouldn’t dream of interrupting you, then. Not when you have work to do.”
His fingertips traced a line from her lips to her cheeks. “Is this really happening? Are you really here with me? Letting me love you like this?”
She took his mouth this time in a long, deep kiss. Pleasure spread out from her abdomen and up through her lips. Back down through her body and straight to the soles of her feet. Yes, she mused dreamily, it was really happening. It was better than it used to be. Maybe it was the anticipation. The long years of absence where she had nothing but memories to sustain her. Memories and countless dates with men
who couldn’t hold a candle to Brock.
“It is,” she murmured. Then a tremor took her and she shuddered against him. “I feel like a teenager. It’s worse than the first time.”
“Our first time.” Brock’s laugh fizzled out against the soft skin of her neck.
Nasira arched her back and brought her chest against him. Shifted to give him better access. “It was right after your first varsity game. You were the only freshman to make the varsity football team and you helped lead them to victory.”
He nuzzled her neck. “I was riding high that night. You were luminous.”
“I couldn’t keep my hands off of you. We drove off into the woods and singed the back seat of your Pontiac. It was a horrible, cramped little car.”
“But you remember it. Just like you remember that night.”
“It’s tough to forget. It was passion and desire and pure, hormonal lust,” Brock agreed.
“I didn’t think you could affect me that way again.” She sighed when he grabbed a handful of her rear and squeezed. “After all, we’re much older.”
“Not old enough to stop wanting you. You are driving me wild.”
“Sounds like a personal problem.” The muscles in her stomach quivered.
“I want you to touch me.” He pushed her until the back of her knees hit the bed. She lost her balance and let herself fall, unsurprised when he leaned over her and took her arms. Brought them over her head. “I want you to open for me.”
“Not a problem.”
It never had been with him.
From the second she heard Brock was in town again for good, she had an unsettling feeling they would end up here. In a bed together. The image clarified when she looked out the window and saw him staring outside of her house. She wanted him then. He wanted her still. It was more than she could hope to forgive him to a point where they could be with each other again.
She only hoped she had forgiven him enough.