I returned to the hotel and began to prepare for my trip to Hong Kong. In the afternoon, I got an email from the clinic to tell me that Sophia had donated twenty-five eggs. I couldn’t have been more ecstatic. This was a number I could only have dreamed of and, reading between the lines, the clinic was really happy with this result too. I was amazed at such a high number and, with each snippet of good news or date falling into place, I felt the chances were getting better and better, but I knew how nerve-wracking the next few days would be. I was already nervous about receiving the results of the fertilised eggs and how many would progress as far as day three, then five, and ultimately the embryo transfer day. I tried to convince myself how much of a better place we were in at this time than previously. Now we had a much higher number of eggs, we had used fresh and not frozen sperm to fertilise them, we had completed two transfers, as well as having gone through the embryo fertilisation five-day process before, so I knew exactly what to expect and what I would deem as good news and good progress.
Grace was already preparing for the stay at the ‘surrogate villa’, as she called it, so there really was no more I could have done at this point to increase the chances of success. I had twenty-five eggs – who could know how many were fertilising overnight, all fresh and ready for an embryo transfer with my trusted Grace on Monday? I couldn’t have been in a better place at this point. All I had to do was get through the next few days in Hong Kong and return for the transfer, think positively, and sit happily with the knowledge of how everything had come together so far for this third attempt.
On the third day, I was pressing ‘refresh’ on my phone every thirty minutes or sooner, waiting for the update email. Eventually, I received the most welcome news that the embryos had progressed well: we had two ‘very good’ grade, eight ‘good’, eight ‘fair’ and four ‘not good’ grade embryos. Just one did not progress to cleavage, which means it didn’t start dividing the cells. This was the best set of results so far, and as soon as the email came through I rushed to my hotel room to Google the grades and compare the results to the first time. I could see that my two ‘very good’ grade embryos were better than those we had started with on the first attempt, and that eight had progressed to eight-cell embryos at a comparable grade to my first four. I was exactly where I wished to be in terms of grades for the embryos. Although a few of the ‘good’ grade in the ‘very good’ grade category could have been even better, I knew this was a top quality set of embryos that would give me the best chances of a pregnancy. I rushed to discuss the grades with Dr Alice and the time we would be implanting on Monday. She confirmed it would be 3pm. Dr Alice had been working at the clinic for several years as a fertility expert and was beaming with excitement at the news, which gave me even greater confidence that we were all in the best possible situation. I read and re-read the email, with all the numbers and grades, and compared them to the data others had posted for the same stage on various blogs, and I had to try to relax for another forty-eight hours until the implantation. That was going to be difficult as I was in the hotel on my own; I didn’t have much work to distract me, so I just sat by the pool. It really did feel like the countdown to my new life.
I had prepared a bag of things for Grace to take before the implantation. It included a few gifts and two early-response and two digital pregnancy tests. I put in a fresh box of pregnancy vitamins and a couple of boxes of tea and biscuits as well. I’d brought a box of traditional cookies from Hong Kong for her family and a few Disney things for her sister too. I wrote in her card:
Dear Grace,
All I can say is thank you again for trying to get the pregnancy I so want. I know you wish this so much for me too. So thank you again for the third time. Let’s hope this pregnancy works! Tomorrow is our best chance so far. I promise to be a good dad.
Love James xxx
As I closed the envelope, I couldn’t help but feel that this was so different to the first and second times. I felt a sense of confidence around the numbers and the embryos that I hadn’t felt before, and this really did make me realise that our chances were much higher, especially since it’s meant to be third time lucky.
Grace came to the hotel the night before the embryo implantation; we spent a couple of hours together and I gave her the gifts. It was good to be with her before the procedure as we both knew the day could be pretty long – waiting around at the clinic with not a lot of opportunity to chat. So we made the most of our time together, having dinner and chatting with Krzysztof on Messenger, both hoping for a successful result the next day.
I awoke on the morning of the transfer and immediately wanted to find out how the embryos were doing. I knew that Grace had to attend the clinic early for a scan to confirm all was good for the implantation, and as soon as I heard it was, I started to worry about them. When it was time, I headed straight to the clinic. The heat in Bangkok was fierce and I was sweating even in the air-conditioned taxi. When I arrived, the doctor saw me straight away and I received the wonderful news that we had three top-grade embryos to choose from, and then we could freeze nine others. These were very healthy numbers. We discussed the top three – how they looked – and then talked about the implantation. I was really happy with the photos of the embryos and was pleased we had achieved them fresh, with nothing having been frozen at this point. We chose the two we wanted to implant, and then I knew that I had made the right decision to do a transfer that did not include any frozen constituents. I had wanted to have a choice the first time, but it didn’t work out that way. I waited a short while outside and was surprised to see Sophia, my egg donor, at the clinic too. She’d had a little fluid build-up after the egg retrieval and was there to see the doctor. I was amazed that both Sophia and Grace were there together; I wanted to introduce them, but with Sophia not feeling her best, I thought it better to leave it for the time being.
Soon after, the doctor called Grace to prepare her. The nurse gave me a gown, cap and mask so I could join them in the implantation theatre. I felt my nerves build up as I entered the room, but knew that I needed to stay calm for Grace to relax. I sat beside her and saw two embryos suddenly appear on the screen. It was the most incredible and magical experience. I was so excited to see them moving around in the fluid on the screen – it felt so different to the other times. The two we had chosen from the photos looked perfect in reality, and you could clearly see the inner cell mass starting on both as the embryos progressed. No sooner were they on the screen than they were taken into the catheter and brought into the implantation room. I could feel Grace’s grip tighten as I squeezed her hand to let her know I was there for her. Again, I saw the flash as the embryos entered her womb, and we took a quick photo. I felt a lot less nervous, and I think it helped at this stage that we were all able to be happy and a lot more comfortable in the room. I had two top quality fully fresh embryos implanted, and everyone was willing the pregnancy to work this time – I could feel a difference in the atmosphere. I wanted to jump with anticipation and, at the same time, share the moment with Krzysztof.
I left Grace to rest, while I took the opportunity to chat quickly with Sophia and give her my number and email so she could contact me. She was in good spirits, but uncomfortable, so I kept my intrusions to a minimum and told her I would see her soon. It was amazing to think she was right outside the room when her two perfect embryos were being implanted in Grace. It made my head spin. When Grace came out of the implantation room, I had a quick chat with her to discuss going to the surrogacy villa and told her to let me know if she needed anything there. Dr Alice sat with us and we talked for a while, after which I left to go back to my hotel and tell everyone the good news that we had made it to transfer, with two remarkable embryos. Krzysztof was screaming with joy when I sent him the photos, and I think he wanted to tell everyone there and then. My mum and Emma were thrilled. I then had time to enjoy a relaxed dinner and pack for a trip to the island of Koh Chang. I had decided t
o stay in Thailand until the results of the pregnancy test, since being in the same country had worked so far. My flight out was at lunchtime, and I began to feel the anticipation of being in the ‘two-week wait’ for what I hoped so much would be the last time before a successful pregnancy.
The Two embryos chosen
The two embryos just before implantation
Chapter 10
Message in a Bottle from a Faraway Place
On my way to Koh Chang, I was glad I was staying in Thailand for the pregnancy test results. As each hour passed, I was grateful for every update and message from Grace. I was pleased to hear her refer to the embryos as ‘babies’, and I was willing this pregnancy with every fibre of my being. I wasn’t sure I could sit out the wait this time, never mind thinking about doing it all again. Everything in the messages became muddled in translation, and I went from being worried, to ecstatic, to being on the edge of my seat, with every word. Grace had some pain and a tiny amount of blood from the implantation. At first I was anxious, then overloaded with information, as I tried so hard to understand what was going on for her. I was glad when the discomfort of the implantation had passed and she was sending increasingly joyful messages about being in the surrogacy villa. We Skyped a couple of times: she joked and showed me her tummy, and I was even more excited, as I allowed myself to believe it could really happen this time.
I was staying near my friend, Cora, who lives on the island of Koh Chang. We had spent many hours and days on my previous trips discussing what life would be like with a child and how I would adapt. Cora is a magnificent person with an intuitive ability to bring out the truth in people. She has always encouraged me and I found myself gaining confidence around becoming a father from our chats and her encouragement. She recommended books on how our brains and personalities develop as a child, and it helped me not only to build a vision of the future I wanted for my child but also to think about how I wanted to parent my child. She can make my eyes go wide with shock with her honesty and my sides hurt with our hours of laughter. She inspired me to believe I could become a good father, and I was glad to be with her while I was waiting again.
On the sixth night, Grace and I were discussing when she should do a home pregnancy test. She had left the ones I gave her in her own apartment, so she was going to use one from the local store near the house. We agreed on day nine – this would be the day I left Koh Chang. I secretly wondered if she would test before then and not tell me, but I didn’t ask her. I was happy that at least we would have an indication of the result before we got to the clinic on the tenth day after transfer. As each day passed, I kept watching my phone for any messages or updates. It seemed as if her nausea had come back in the evenings. I didn’t know whether to read anything into this or not and decided any changes like that were good and took from this that it might just be happening as we both so wanted.
Next morning I was walking in the jungle near Cora’s house when I got a message: ‘James … I have something to tell you. :) It’s a surprise!!’ In that very moment I knew Grace was pregnant and burst into tears. I called her immediately and she told me she was pregnant and had done a test early. It was only the seventh day after we’d done the transfer, and yet there was a positive result from the home pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t believe it. My whole body was shaking. It had worked! A baby was coming. I kept thanking her and wiping away my tears. I asked her to send me the photo and said I would call her on Skype in a few minutes to give myself a chance to take in the news. I could see Cora in the distance and ran towards her to tell her the news. I threw myself at her to get a hug, and I think she was quite shocked at how emotional I was. I had tears streaming down my cheeks, and I was trembling with pure joy. It was a miraculous moment to share with her.
Afterwards I went straight to my cabin to call Grace and see her on the video camera, to check that I wasn’t dreaming. In the meantime she had sent me a photo of the pregnancy test. There it was in glorious full colour: one faint red line and a second definite red line indicating the pregnancy test was positive. I kept looking at the line on the photo, half expecting it to disappear, but there it stayed. I was astonished that the home pregnancy test had given a reading after only the seventh day, and to see Grace beaming with excitement on the other end of the phone was just a beautiful moment for me. I told her I wanted to share the news with Krzysztof, Emma and my mum, and she let me finish the conversation still not really being able to take it all in. I called Krzysztof and I jumped up and down, shouting and squealing that Grace was pregnant and it had worked this time. We were both so happy we could hardly talk through the tears. Krzysztof was asking me for information, and I told him I would send a photo of Grace and the pregnancy test. It was such a beautiful place on the island to find out a baby was coming – it was a moment I will remember forever. I was surrounded by astounding scenery of the jungle and the sea, standing in the middle of nature and embracing a moment in my life I could barely have wished for a few years ago. Although I was with friends on the island, I wished Krzysztof could have been with me to hear the news together, but being able to tell him so quickly was the next best thing. Everyone I called was overjoyed, but I was desperate now to get back to Bangkok to see Grace.
When I flew back to Bangkok from Trat, I was nervous about going to the clinic to get the blood test results. It had taken me so long to get to this point that, now it had come, I couldn’t believe it was true. I asked Grace if she had tested again to check, and I was surprised when she told me no, she had only done it that once because she didn’t have the test I gave her. One of the other women offered to go out to the store to buy her one more test kit, and I sat awaiting the photo of the results. I was so nervous that I was shaking a little as the photo came through. A stronger line than two days ago, and she’d put both tests side by side so that I could compare. There was no doubting it now; it was real. Grace was indeed pregnant and, judging by the thicker red line, it seemed even more so. I chatted with her on Messenger before bed, and we both said we were so looking forward to going to the clinic the next morning. In fact, I realised I was petrified but thought it best to try and get some sleep before the big day. I kept telling myself that this was nothing compared to what was going to be coming over the next few months and years, but I wanted so much for it to be true that I think my mind was working in overdrive. I sent Krzysztof the photos and tried to sleep.
Grace messaged me in the morning to say she was taking a cab to make her way to the clinic. After a rather bumpy night’s sleep and waking up to double-check that everything had been real, I had breakfast and got ready to join her. I was so nervous that it reminded me of the first time I was waiting for the results, lying in bed, back in England, and my heart thumping in my chest. I was so anxious about going to the clinic that I left it until the very last minute to get there, in case it had all been a mistake. When I arrived, I sat in the lobby café and had a strong coffee, which did nothing to calm my nerves. Grace sent me a photo of her with a bandage on her arm after they’d taken the blood, and I was frozen in my chair. I was wondering about the outcome and knew that if these results were positive there really was no mistaking the pregnancy. I was so worried that I couldn’t go upstairs to the clinic so I called a passing nurse to see if the results had come in. She joked with me that I already knew the result, as Grace had obviously told her that she’d tested at home, but still I was worried.
I made my way up to the clinic and was greeted with beaming smiles from all the women there, instantly lifting me out of my anxious state. I sat on the sofa, and Dr Alice came over with the results. Grace was indeed pregnant, confirmed now by two home pregnancy tests and one blood test, with an amazing hCG reading of 878.77. My mind was working in overdrive at such a strong result. I shook Dr Levi’s hand and he told me to expect twins, but I was still in shock that the blood test had confirmed everything was well. I would have been happy with just one healt
hy child, boy or girl, but two was something I would now have to think about seriously for the first time. Grace came into the room and I gave her the biggest hug and told her how elated I was. She was beaming with delight. I wanted to sit down with her away from everyone for a few minutes to chat with her about the immediate future. I gave her a couple of gifts I had bought on Koh Chang – a necklace and an ankle bracelet – and for the first time I was able to look at her and know she was carrying my child. I asked if I could hold her tummy for a moment; the feeling was so magical, a moment of true joy I will never forget. Grace was pregnant by only a few days now, but if this had been a natural pregnancy, it would already have been at week four. After all the waiting, time suddenly seemed to be moving fast.
Before my goodbyes, I sat with Dr Alice to discuss diary dates. She informed me of the dates for the next couple of scans. It was a coincidence that my diary confirmed I would be in Bangkok on 8 July, which would be around the time of the eight-week scan. The clinic would do weekly tests and scans for the first trimester, so I was already excitedly planning my return and hoped that I would be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat on the scan I would be present for. I had to get back to the hotel and pack up my things for my flight the next morning. I was ready to get back to London and quietly spread the news, after being away for nearly three weeks now. I was happy to leave Grace in the capable hands of the clinic – I knew we would be chatting on Messenger anyway – and she would keep me up to speed every step of the way. I hugged her, not too tightly, to say goodbye and headed off, content in the knowledge it had taken me three tests to finally believe. I was to become a father.
Surrogacy Page 6