He could hear Zach cleaning his room and saying a few comforting things here and there, but it didn’t help.
“Read her email,” Adam finally said and dared to look up.
Zach was covered in the dust from the drywall debris still floating in the air.
He’d already fixed a shelf on the wall Adam didn’t remember busting. The books were all tipped over. The chair was back in place. The window was fine. He hadn’t busted that. But his mirror over his dresser his mom had bought him for his tenth birthday was smashed to bits. It looked like Zach had removed the baseball bat from the premises because it was nowhere to be seen. The bigger shards of mirror were in a pile by the door.
Zach sat down on the chair and grabbed Adam’s laptop. As he read, Adam managed to get up, remove two of his framed posters on the wall and positioned them to cover the holes he’d punctured.
He left the room to retrieve the vacuum and when he returned to his room, Zach sat with his jaw hanging open.
“That’s messed up,” Zach said.
“I know! I love her, and she’s with somebody else named Victor. I think she said somewhere in there she’d had sex with him before, or if she didn’t, she might. And I want to have sex with her, but she won’t let me!” Adam’s entire body shook. His face heated and his breath came out in hot rushes.
“I’m not talking about him—though I see why you’re mad. I’m talking about that house—her dad. Adam, she said before she’d killed a kid, and I didn’t believe it. This doesn’t sound made up. This sounds real. She’s been through a hell of a lot. Are you sure she’s worth trying to be with? I mean, I’ve heard of baggage, but this is insane.” Zach set the laptop down, got up and plugged in the vacuum for Adam.
“Yes, I’m sure. There’s nobody like her. I love her. I don’t care if she has another head growing out of her back. I want to be with her.” He started up the vacuum to drown out this discussion.
Zach scurried over and removed the big shards of mirror so they wouldn’t clog up the machine.
Once the room was cleaned, Zach took the vacuum to put it away. “How bad do you want to see her?”
“Enough I was willing to bust this window out, find a way to grow wings and fly there . . .” Adam buried his face in his hands so he wouldn’t cry.
Zach pulled him into a bear hug. “Don’t cry, big brother. I’m gonna help you—it’s gonna mean my ass, but I don’t care. I’ll get you to her. Just watch me.”
Adam peeked his eyes through his fingers. “Really?”
“Really.” Zach smiled.
“You promise?”
“I don’t have to promise. It’s already a done deal. You put this vacuum away, make sure the rest of the evidence is gone—straighten your books, and I’ll find the quickest flight there.”
“You’ll let me go alone?” Adam’s heart was in his throat, making it difficult to speak.
“Can you handle it?”
Adam nodded, and his face exploded with a smile so big it was like an upside down rainbow. “I can handle it for sure!”
“Then you’re going.” Zach let go of him.
The loss of pressure was disappointing, but it was fine. He needed to pack!
* * *
My dearest, beautiful Mari,
I have so much to say to you, but I think I’ll wait until the next time I see you. I want to be bolder when I talk to you.
She busted into a laugh. Bolder? Adam? Not possible. He spoke his mind all the time.
You shared some very significant moments in your life, and I need to do the same to make it fair.
I want to tell you about what happened when my mom left me.
I loved playing the piano. I practiced all the time. Anytime I could, I was on it. I wasn’t very good, though, because the numbers would get in the way. It was loud and hurt her ears. She got headaches, but I didn’t care as long as I could keep playing.
One day I was being really aggressive on the keys. There were notes in my head (which is what gave me the idea to stop the numbers now with music), and I was trying to get them out. It was like when I shout the numbers to get them out of my throat so they won’t choke me, but this time it was in my hands, playing on the keys. I started shouting and banging my head on the piano because it sounded nothing like the notes in my head. I said a lot of bad words, and my mom stayed away.
Finally, she left the house. She probably went outside to get away from the noise. While she was gone, taking a break, I picked up the piano bench and smashed parts of the baby grand to bits. Wood was all I wanted it to be since it wouldn’t cooperate with me. When she came in, she yelled at me and smacked my face.
I don’t know what happened, but I snapped. I was a very tall, big twelve-year-old. I pushed her down, kind of like in class when Rory pushed me aside to get to you, except I used more muscles than he did. She went flying into the pointy pieces of wood. It stabbed at her arms, wrists, hands and legs. There was blood everywhere gushing out of her wounds.
I panicked, and for the first time ever, I put myself in a little ball so I wouldn’t have to see what I did. Mom dragged herself to a phone and dialed for an ambulance. They came and took her away, and Social Services stepped in. They threatened to put me in a home, and that’s when I was flown from California, where we used to live, to Phoenix to meet Dr. Harkham. She’s a specialist on Autism. She put me on a sugar-free diet, said I had that outburst that day because my mom had given me a cookie and some soda after lunch.
When I got back home from my trip, Mom would barely look at me. She flinched every time I hugged her, and she barely held my hand. Samara yelled at her once because I was crying for Mom and she ignored me.
When I read your first email and it talked about you ignoring a crying baby, I thought, who could ignore a crying baby? But my mom ignored me no matter how hard I cried.
The only way I could get her attention was to push her more and use a lot of my body weight. Zach tried to stop me, but I was bigger than he was. That’s why he works out like he does and has gotten so big. He has to be able to restrain me.
I hurt my mom too many times, and she finally left without a word. Just gone—vanished. Dad said he didn’t know where she went to either. I cried for days, and Zach let me sleep in his bed with him.
Sam thinks I don’t remember all this because I refuse to talk to her about it. She makes excuses for me. I’m sure you know how that feels when people do that for you. We both know what we did. But, Mari, we’ve both learned and we’ve changed. I’m very careful to not hurt people anymore. I’m very aware of my body weight, just as I’m sure you’re careful around little children.
We’ve both grown. Because of it, we can be together.
I’ll always miss my mom, Sarah, and you’ll always miss Megan. That’s okay. We can miss them together.
I love you. And I’ll see you soon . . .
Sorry I didn’t call you today. It’s been busy here.
Love,
Adam
He sounded off. Had she finally gotten through to him and convinced him she was rotten and not worth being around?
Mari spent the day in her room, listening to music.
Vic called once, but she ignored it and let it go to voicemail.
When it was dinnertime, she stepped down the stairs with caution. Her dad was acting like a maniac, moving things around, most likely hiding the stuff he thought was most valuable so she wouldn’t discard it in the trash.
Probably a good idea, because she’d decided from now on, any time he wasn’t looking, she’d find something else to sneak into the garbage. She’d throw out the trash each night after dinner. He’d never know what went missing.
Mari made dinner without any side conversation. Her dad watched a game on TV and drank a beer.
He still wore the clothes he did when she arrived two nights ago.
Probably would still be wearing them tomorrow too since he’d retired from his job at an early age and had nowhere to be. She wondere
d how he survived off welfare checks and whatever he got from his retirement fund, but she kept her mouth shut. It was none of her business.
For all she knew, he had bundles of cash tucked away in this house under all his piles of boxes and refuse.
Mari’s phone rang in her pocket while she was pulling out some chicken breasts to cook for dinner.
“Hi, Adam. How’re you?”
“I’m good. Real good. Do you miss me more than a donut?” He giggled.
She chuckled at how he sucked her in with record timing. “Oh yeah. Way more than a Boston cream.”
He gasped. “But those are really, really good.” She heard a scratchy noise and then he whispered, “I have a secret.”
“What is it?” she whispered back, hunching over to make it more fun. He was so playful, like a puppy.
“I’m eating a donut right now.”
“You are? How’d you manage that without me supplying it?” She stood up straight, her eyes wide.
“I’m in a little shop by myself, and nobody knows except Zach.” The volume on his voice went up a little. “I miss you. I’m gonna see you soon.”
“We will. What would you like to do when I get back?”
“I want you to come see me play baseball with Zach. I’m really good at it,” he said, then swallowed.
“But baseball season hasn’t started yet, has it?”
“No, but maybe we could go to the batting cages until then . . .”
“I’d like that. Sounds like fun.” She got the chicken cooking and started assembling a salad.
“I’m gonna call it a date,” he said.
She smiled. “You can call it anything you want, and I won’t stop you.”
“You can’t stop me even if you want to, because you’re gonna be my girlfriend. I know you want to be. Zach says we both love each other. He says he can see it. I can see it, too. And he’s almost always right.” He went into a whisper again, “I like it when you look at me, and I want to see that look on your face all the time.”
She sighed. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
“What I want and what I can have are planets apart, and I—”
“You’re being short-sighted,” he interrupted.
She was impressed. His thoughts were clear, and he was being incredibly articulate.
“How so?” She got out some dressing and went about setting the table for two. She was going to attempt to eat with her dad tonight. It might not be as bad as she remembered. If only she could get him to bathe first, though . . .
“You’re only thinking of how things are right now. When we graduate, you can do whatever you want. I won’t stop you. In fact, I’ll encourage you. And I’ll get a good job so I can pay for the rent. I’ve got it all figured out.”
“You do, huh?” She shook her head and smiled bigger.
“Yeah—I’m gonna take care of you and you can be my little woman. Remember when you said that to me?”
She laughed. “I do.”
“Well, that’s what you’re gonna be. I’m gonna figure out how to get along without needing to hold your hand or anybody else’s while I’m at work. When I get home, I’ll play nice music for you to get rid of the bad thoughts that make you sad. We’ll only eat sugar when you say it’s okay, and we’ll be happy. Oh yeah . . .” He exhaled in a loud burst. “I’m gonna have lots and lots of sex with you, because you’re beautiful and I like how sore you make me. Every night in bed, I think about you naked, and it makes me so hard, I can barely breathe. There will be sex.”
She choked on her laughter but kept it quiet so it wouldn’t hurt his feelings. “These are well thought out plans.”
“I know, and the best part is you’re going to marry me so we’ll always be together until we die. I don’t want other men to be near you. I want you all to myself.”
“Well, if I’m in school or working, there’s bound to be other men around me and I can’t he—”
“Oh! I gotta go!” he said, his voice going shrill.
The line suddenly went dead. It sounded like there was some announcement over a speaker. Was he in a hospital? Maybe he was visiting his dad. He was a doctor, right?
She finished up with dinner, adding the last few finishing touches and called out, “Dinner.”
Furniture creaked and there was a mighty groan filled with effort as her dad tried to get out of his chair.
“Want some help?” she called after him.
“No.”
She set the food on trivets in the middle of the small square table and waited.
A few moments later he set himself down in a chair and looked at her like she was a pest. “I hate salad.”
“So do I, but it grows on ya. You’ll see . . .” She loaded up his plate with greens, placed a cooked, seasoned breast of chicken on top and even put the dressing on for him so he wouldn’t douse the thing in it.
“This smells weird,” he said, eying it like it had to be poisoned.
“It’s homemade, and it smells fine,” she replied with as pleasant a smile as she could muster.
He took a bite, grimaced, chewed and swallowed.
She did the same, but not because of the taste, because it wasn’t the food that smelled bad.
They passed the time at dinner talking about how she was doing in school, how her mom was doing.
Mari avoided talking about her mom’s latest boyfriends.
After dinner was done, her dad went back to his rot-spot, and she cleaned up.
Was this what it would be like if her mom really did try to send her to live with him here permanently?
No way could Mari deal with this daily. She was eighteen now. She’d move out and get a crap job flipping burgers and live in a hole in the wall before she did that.
Rap, rap, rap . . .
“Mari, get the door,” her dad barked. “Tell them to leave.”
She groaned. Who the hell was coming over here when it was already getting dark and it was raining out?
Someone must be lost.
Chapter 15
Victor stood in the doorway with a dopey grin.
“Hey, Mar.”
“Don’t call me that.” She was about to slam the door shut, but his boot was in the way. “Wanna go out and have some fun?”
“With you? Are you serious?” She cocked her head at him.
He barked a laugh. “No. With the yeti living in the woods behind your house. Of course with me.” He pounded his chest with his fist.
She chuckled. “I’d say yes, but then you’d think I was giving in. I’m not partying with you.”
“I’m not talking about a party, just a movie.”
“What movie?” She squinted at him.
“The action kind, of course. None of my friends will be there, and I’ll keep my hands to myself. I’m gonna try this sober thing out while you’re here and see how it works for me,” he said, grinning.
“Ugh! You know how to try a woman’s patience, don’t you? Uckhh.” She rolled her eyes.
“Yes, and I know how to”—his voice dropped low—“screw her brains out, too. That part’s optional.” He gave the flirty, bridging brows.
“Shut up, Vic. You already know I prefer to kill you over that. Waaay more fun and satisfying.” She waved her hand at him like he was ridiculous.
“I’m up for anything kinky.”
“Always were.” She stepped back, ready to shut the door again.
He leaned forward and braced his palm against the door. “C’mon. You haven’t been in town since you got here. You’re getting boring in your old age.”
“Hmm . . . Wonder why I’m hiding out here.” She tapped her chin and shifted her eyes from side to side.
“You’re gonna make me beg, aren’t you?”
She leaned back and told her dad, “Hey, I’m going out with Vic to a movie. Don’t wait up.”
“Yes!” Vic yipped, grabbed her by the arm and made her run with him to his car to avoid ge
tting soaked.
It failed. They were both sopping for the next two hours as they sat through a loud, bang-’em-up movie.
Vic tried to hold her hand a few times, but she always refused. She even bought her own popcorn so they wouldn’t have to reach into the same bag and have unintended contact.
When they got back to her dad’s house, the rain had stopped. He insisted on walking her up to the steps.
“You can go now,” she said at the top of the steps.
“You’re gonna send me away without a goodbye kiss?” He batted his lashes and puckered up.
“Yes. I don’t kiss morons.”
“That’s not what I heard. I heard you’re dating some brain-dead guy back in Phoenix.” He smirked and set his hands on his hips.
She growled. “Shut the fuck up before I kick your ass into the mud.”
“Look, I’m sorry. It makes me crazy to think of you with somebody else. You were always my girl.” He dropped his hands and took two steps forward.
“That was forever ago, and like I told you in the car, I was never yours.” She stepped back until the door was against her back. “You just don’t like to lose. That’s all this is.”
“I won’t bite.” He maneuvered himself to be inches away from her. His chest was puffed out and expanding with each breath.
“No, but I will. Call it self-defense.” She opened the door, slipped inside and locked him out like she had that first night he drove her here from the airport. Seemed like she had to be always on her toes around him.
Adam almost seemed easy after this. At least he asked for a kiss before pushing himself on her.
Well, wait . . . Vic did too, but it was different. She wasn’t sure how, but it felt wrong when Vic did it.
There was no trust, but it seemed more than that. She had goose bumps on her arm like she was being stalked.
Mari ran upstairs, showered and went straight to bed. Maybe she’d actually sleep without waking up screaming tonight.
Tomorrow she’d wash her linens, clear off her dad’s bed and clean his as well. She could tell him the day she was leaving that she touched his bedroom.
Mari fell asleep missing Adam more than ever. She wished he’d called her back. His voice was exactly what she needed right now to get Vic’s fierce, determined look out of her head.
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