by J. L. Beck
Climbing the stairs up to my dorm room, I mentally prepare myself to face Amanda. Every step I take, more dread spreads through my body. I’m already suffering, and I know she is only going to drive in the knife deeper. Then twist it and rub some salt on the gaping wound.
How did my life become so miserable?
I suck in a deep breath and let a mask of indifference slide onto my face before I push the door open.
Glancing inside the room, I realize Amanda is gone. Not only gone for the day, I mean, gone. The whole side of her room is empty. Relief washes over my like water onto the shore.
Dragging my feet, I step inside and shut the door behind me. I’m so exhausted, all I want to do is fall into my bed, but I have a class to go to, and I already skipped one yesterday, so I have no option but to show up.
So instead of curling up into a ball on my mattress like I want to do. I just change into different clothes, grab my book bag, and head back out.
The first class I have drags on, seemingly never-ending. I take notes on autopilot, my pencil moving over the paper, leaving words behind, but none of them make sense in my head.
When Professor Marley finally dismisses us, I briefly play with the thought of going home. I decide against it. I’m on a scholarship, I can’t miss class after class.
Swinging my bag over my shoulder, I walk out of the classroom.
I barely make it into the hall when I see him. I freeze. Every muscle in my body turns to stone as I take in Cage’s huge frame casually leaning against the wall.
Our eyes meet, and he straightens up. There are dark shadows under his eyes as if he slept just as terrible as I have the last three nights.
The world falls away around us. Passing students are merely a distant blur, and their chatters are muted. Right now, there is only room for him and me in my head. No one else exists in this small space.
Only when my lungs start to burn, do I realize I was holding my breath. I force myself to suck in air, and the sudden intake of oxygen has my head swimming.
He takes a step toward me, and that’s when my limbs unfreeze. I’m not ready to face him. Not ready for goodbyes.
I need to get away.
Dropping my heavy bag on the spot, I twist around and start running down the hall. Nothing matters more to me than getting away from him because seeing him and not being able to touch, knowing he isn’t mine any longer. It kills me. Rips my heart in two.
I don’t stop running until I’m in my dorm. My legs hurt from the run, not used to that kind of exercise. I’m able to hold the tears at bay all the way up to my room, but as soon as I lock the door behind me, the floodgates open. A gut-wrenching sob rips from my chest as I throw myself onto my bed.
Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Turning on my side, I curl up in the fetal position and let it all out. All the disappointment, all the anger, all the pain.
I wake up the next morning, still fully dressed. My eyelashes are crusted together, my mouth is dry, and there is a distinct pounding inside my skull. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was out drinking the night before, but this isn’t a hangover I’m experiencing. This is heartbreak at its finest.
Getting up with a groan, I head to the bathroom for a quick shower.
After I get out, I wrap myself up in a large towel and brush my teeth. When I’m done with that, I feel slightly better.
I get ready for class on autopilot. Thankfully, I only have one to go to today.
Looking around for my bag, I realize I left it in the hallway yesterday.
Shit. Hopefully, someone took it to the lost and found. It has my books, most of my notes, my phone, and my wallet in there.
Crap, Crap. Crap.
Hurrying out the room, I trip and catch myself on the door’s edge as I almost fall over something sitting right in front of my door. I look down and find my bag.
Someone brought it to me. No, not someone. Cage.
Picking up my bag, I hold it to my chest. Looking down both sides of the hallway, I half expect him to be there, but the hall is completely empty.
Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I head down the stairs. My stomach rumbles, reminding me that I haven’t eaten since… It takes me a minute to think.
Breakfast, yesterday?
I definitely need to get something to eat. That will make me feel better. Less dead. Since people that are alive eat more than once a day.
A few minutes later, I walk into the coffee shop right in the center of campus. The smell of freshly brewed coffee and sweet pastries fills my nose and has my stomach growling again. Luckily, there is no line, which is a first, and I walk right up to the counter.
The barista gives me a friendly smile, but I have a hard time returning it. The corners of my mouth just don’t want to turn up right now.
“A vanilla latte and a blueberry muffin, please.”
“Sure thing,” she replies, gives me the total, and I pay. Moving to the other end of the counter, I look down at my feet, afraid that if I look up, he might be here. It’s doubtful but not a chance I want to take.
I will the barista to hurry up with my order as a group of men come walking in. Not men, football players. Their boisterous voices and laughter carry throughout the small shop, making it hard for me to ignore them.
Please, don’t let him be with them. I silently pray.
“Blair!” Murphy, Cage’s best friend, yells my name, drawing all the attention to me.
I lift my head just as he’s walking over. “I heard about you and Cage.” He frowns. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what it’s like to experience heartbreak since I’m generally the one doing the heartbreaking, but you’re too pretty to be wearing a frown.”
Even in sadness, Murphy still finds a way to flirt.
“It’s okay. I’m fine.”
Disbelief fills his dark eyes. “Don’t lie to me, Blair. I can see how upset you are. Want me to make it better?” A playfulness coats his words, and my lips just briefly lift at the sides. I know he is messing with me, he of all people knows how much Cage meant to me.
“No, thank you. I would rather eat glass.”
He shrugs and goes to check out some chick at the counter.
“Your loss. I will say the silver lining in all of this is that we got rid of Amanda. It was Cage’s idea. He went to the dean, told him about her bullying you, and got her moved.” He grins at me, showing off his perfectly white teeth and the two dimples in his cheeks.
“Of course, it was.”
Even in heartbreak, Cage would be trying to do something that made my life easier.
An earnest expression tugs at his face. “He loves you, Blair. He really does. I’ve never seen him so distraught before.”
“Latte and muffin,” the barista calls and slides my drink across the counter and hands me a bag with my muffin in it.
Saved in the nick of time.
“I guess that makes two of us then,” I say, turning with my items in hand.
“It doesn’t have to be this way.” He frowns.
“It does.” I take another step away, needing to escape. “Bye, Murphy.”
Rushing from the coffee shop, I take my coffee and muffin, which I’ve now lost my appetite for and head to class. The tears build in my eyes, but I blink them back. I’m not the first girl to suffer heartache at the hands of Cage Wilder, and I won’t be the last. If only I knew our love would last, maybe I would’ve held onto it a little longer in the beginning.
24
Cage
The sleek silver pen in my hand can’t weigh more than a few ounces, yet it feels like a ten-pound boulder.
“Just sign here, and your transfer will be official,” Coach Willard tells me, anger and disappointment bleeding through every single word.
I’m disappointed in myself as well.
Against my better judgment, I bring the tip of the pen to the dotted line and start signing my name. With every letter added to the paper in blue ink, the emptiness in my ches
t grows, threatening to swallow me whole, to take away every part of me that makes me… me.
My hand stills. Realization settles that this moment is a crossroad. This is not just a simple signature, a simple act. This is a moment that will determine the rest of my life.
One little action. One signature copied onto the insignificant piece of paper, making it to what could be one of the most significant moments of my life.
Time seems to stand still, and for a second, everything around me falls away. All I can see is myself. The boy I was yesterday, and the man I could become tomorrow.
I can’t do this. It’s not what I want. It’s someone else’s dream.
Blackthorn isn’t where I belong. North Woods is, with Blair and my friends. No amount of money will ever change that.
Dropping the pen onto the paper, I look up at Coach Willard. “I’m not going.”
“Yes, you are,” my father sneers. “Sign the damn paper!”
“No, I won’t leave North Woods.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Coach says, letting out a sigh. “I can’t lose one of my best players.”
“I’m sorry, you still do. I quit.”
My father slams his fist against the table, making everything on Coach’s desk shake. “The fuck you are. You will not quit, you will sign this paper, and you will play for Blackthorn.”
“No.” I stand my ground. “I won’t.”
“If you don’t play, you can kiss your life goodbye. No condo paid for. No car. No phone. No money. Do you understand? I’ll cut you off. You’ll have nothing.”
“I have my freedom. I’m tired of you forcing me to do what I hate. I hate football. I quit. Cut me off, I don’t care.”
I’ve never seen my father so angry, his face is bright red, and veins are popping out over his forehead. I know if Coach wasn’t sitting in front of us, his fist would already be in my face.
He stands up so suddenly, the chair he was sitting on crashes to the ground.
“You’ll regret this,” he yells before storming out of the office, slamming the door shut so violently the pictures on the wall almost fall down.
“I’m sorry, Coach,” I say. “I’m sorry about my father, sorry about letting you down.”
His brows pull together. “Don’t apologize. Not for him and not for yourself. I didn’t know you hated football.”
“It’s not something I advertise.”
“You really want to quit? You’re here on a scholarship to play ball. You know if you quit, that scholarship will end along with your football career.”
“I know, I’ll find another way to pay for tuition.” Shoving from his desk, I stand. “I don’t know what or how, but I’ll figure it out.”
Coach stands up with me, holding out his hand to shake mine, he says something that shakes me to the core. “I’m proud of you.”
Confused, I take his hand. “But I quit the team.”
“You did something way more important than playing football today. What you just did, standing up to your father despite knowing that you will lose his support, that took some major balls. I don’t know what made you do it, but whatever it is, go find it and hold on to it.”
“Thanks, Coach. I will. I’ll go find her, and when I do, I’m never letting her go again.”
Either my father didn’t take me seriously, or I simply got to the bank quicker. I was able to withdraw what was left in my account, and I maxed out my credit cards to pay everything I needed for the rest of the semester, including a dorm room.
Murphy and I got everything we needed out of the house and put it into storage before moving the rest to our new dorm room.
“This stinks,” Murphy whines, throwing himself onto the bed.
“We’ll find a new place. This is only temporary.”
Dramatically, he flops onto his belly. “Either way, our friendship is over.” He speaks into the mattress.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Popping his head up, he explains, “I won’t see you at practice anymore, you’re gonna find a weekend job, so you won’t come and party, and now you’re gonna get your girl back, which means she is going to take the rest of my time away. I won’t ever see you. That’s how friends get unfriended. Before you know it, we’ll be strangers. All I’ll be getting is a nod when I pass you in the hall.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. We live together and in one room. You’ll see me all the time. Besides, I don’t even know if Blair wants me back.”
“Only one way to find out.”
Murphy is right. There is only one way to find out. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Where are you going?”
“Winning my nerd back.”
“Go get her, big guy,” Murphy yells just before the door closes behind me.
It’s only a short walk to Blair’s dorm, but it seems like forever until I get there. A million thoughts run through my mind. Will she be happy to see me, or did she already move on? Will she forgive me, or is it too late? Maybe she isn’t even in her room. If she is not there, where else could she be?
When I finally arrive in front of her door, I raise my hand, ready to knock, but my arm just freezes in midair.
Fear of rejection swirls around me like the beginnings of a tornado. I’m scared… scared of losing her. Scared of being alone. Scared of the future. I gave up football for many reasons, but she was a big one. I hope that’s enough.
It has to be enough.
I bang my knuckles against the wood and hold my breath. My heart is beating so fast that I can feel it in my chest and feel the blood rushing furiously through my veins.
A moment later, the door opens.
Her long brown hair is messy, her big blue eyes glassy, and her full, kissable lips slightly chapped. Her glasses are on her nose, slightly crooked, and I have the urge to straighten them for her.
Someone down the hallway opens their door and walks out while chatting on the phone. It makes me realize that I haven’t said anything yet. We’ve just been standing here looking at each other.
“I’m sorry,” is the first thing out of my mouth. I take a tiny step toward her, but she shakes her head and starts to close the door in my face.
I quickly place my hand on the door to stop her, pushing it back open.
“Please, leave.” Her voice is small, fragile, just like she is. “Go, I can’t do this with you.”
“I’m staying,” I blurt out.
Her eyes go wide in shock, and her lips slightly part. “What do you mean?”
“I’m staying,” I repeat. “Here in North Woods, and I quit football.”
She stumbles back as if she can’t believe what I’m saying. I take the chance to step into the room, closing the door behind me.
I watch her take a seat on her bed, still trying to process what I just told her.
“You’re staying?” she sniffles, wrapping her arms around herself.
Closing the distance between us, I kneel in front of her. “Yes, I’m staying. I told my father I won’t go and that I won’t be playing here either. It’s a done deal. I’m off the team, out of my father’s house. Murphy and I moved into the dorm on East Park.”
“You did?”
“Yes, I should have done it sooner, and I’m sorry I didn’t. The truth is, I was scared. My whole life has been planned out by my father. I never dared to make my own path, not until you.”
“I was scared too. I was scared you would leave me and never come back.”
“I won’t leave, I promise. Please, believe me, and please give me another chance. The last few days were a nightmare, and that was because I didn’t have you. Nothing is right when you are not with me–”
“I missed you so much.” She throws herself into my arms. I hold her to me and bury my nose in her hair, savoring the way she smells and feels.
Home, she feels like home.
Epilogue
Cage
The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” — Dalai L
ama.
I never truly understood that meaning until now. All my life, I was stuck in a vicious circle. Like a dog chasing its tail, I was chasing after a dream that was never mine.
Quitting football was the best decision I ever made. Not because I got to stay at North Woods with Blair, that was a plus, but because I got to do what I wanted. In choosing not to go to Blackthorn, my father stayed true to his word and completely cut me off.
I kept my truck though, and Blair and I ended up getting a cheap apartment near campus. Both working part-time, we find time to screw between classes, and in the early morning hours before we start our days. Never in my life would I have imagined my life being where it is today, but I realize it wasn’t all the superficial things that mattered.
“Do you regret not going to Blackthorn and continuing playing football,” Blair asks as we sit on the couch and eat our Chinese food together.
“It’s freaky that you ask that because I was just thinking about how far we’ve come in the last three months, and no, I don’t regret staying. All my life, I’ve been poked and prodded at and told what to do. Now the choice is mine.”
Blair smiles, and I’m thankful every fucking day that I made the choice I did. If it wasn’t for her, I’m not sure where I would be right now. She’s helped me in ways she doesn’t even understand. There’s a knock at the door, and Blair and I look at each other with a smile and then to the door. A moment later, the door comes swinging open, and Murphy saunters into our apartment with a case of beer.
“The party has arrived.” He bats his eyes at Blair.
“By party, you mean the next-door neighbor that never goes away?”
Murphy’s dark eyes narrow on me. “Excuse me, but it’s not my fault that you moved. We’re best friends and no offense, Blair, but I was your roommate before her, and since I obviously can’t stay with you guys, next door seemed like the better option, now shut up, there’s a game on.”
“You know you have a TV at your house, right?”