by Becca Lee
My jaw tense, I smiled. I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. “It’s okay, Ben. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure I’ll get this sorted.” Damn straight I would. There was no chance I would be played again. I just couldn’t quite believe that Preston, my friend Preston, as in baby Preston, would be capable of something like this. I refused to simply jump to conclusions and believe the words of a stranger. I gave a resolute nod, but my heart continued to beat erratically. A pit of raw anxiety and sickness filled my stomach. I couldn’t do this again. I had been trying my hardest to open up and trust Preston, but still my heart was shouting at me to get the hell out of there. It was only my rational brain that kept me sitting and waiting.
Ben’s name was called out by one of the staff. He gave me a reassuring light squeeze on my knee and a tentative smile. “It’ll be fine.”
I nodded and forced a smile to my lips. Everything was far from fine.
My head and heart were pulling me in different directions. Needing some air, I stood and walked toward the exit. I couldn’t continue watching the photo shoot, especially while the photographer was fawning over Preston.
Chapter Ten
Preston
I watched Ben sit next to Ella and was desperate to head on over to find out what he was saying to her. The damn photographer was too busy rubbing her crotch over me rather than taking photographs, which meant I had to stand back and look on with concern.
Ben had only been at the station for six months. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but something about him just didn’t sit quite right; I just wasn’t quite sure what it was.
The photographer had me standing in ridiculous poses. There’d been plenty of times in my life I had felt like a complete idiot; the photo shoot was being added directly to that list. I was plastered with greasy oil and had strategically-placed makeup dusted over my body to look like soot, I assumed. I had to keep reminding myself it was for an excellent cause. Without my constant reminders, I would have bolted.
My individual shots over, it was time for the final group photos. I looked over at Ella as Ben’s name was called out. Despite the distance, I could see the deep frown set on her face. Worry ate at me when I saw her nod at Ben, look over at me and head toward the exit. It took everything in my power not to run to her—that and the photographer’s cold hand holding on to my arm.
Getting into position, Ben headed toward the group and was instructed to stand at my side, axe in his hand. He greeted me wearing a thoroughly-smug grin, raising my hackles.
I nodded in the direction of where he had been sitting a few moments earlier. “What were you talking about with Ella?” There was no chance I was beating about the bush. There was no room for playing coy, not when it came to all things Ella.
He shrugged his shoulder. “Nothing much. Just introducing myself to her. Nice girl.”
“Yeah, she is.” I couldn’t pinpoint my concern or my irritation, other than the obvious one of watching Ella leave after speaking to him. Ben had done nothing, until this moment, to get a rise out of me, yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t quite who he seemed.
“So, you managed to get a date out of her now? You’ve been talking about her non-stop since I’ve been here.”
I looked him dead in the eye. My face and voice were stoic. “That’s right. We’re working it out.”
A broad smile spread across his face, yet it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Good on you, mate.”
Our conversation was cut short by orders and directions. I really hoped Ella was just stepping out for some air, needing a break from the stink of man-sweat that was beginning to filter through the station.
***
Finally, the shoot was over. The last shots seemed to take an age. After changing, I headed toward the exit. Oil and makeup still covered my body; I hadn’t bothered with a shower. I was too concerned about seeing Ella. Just as I reached the exit, a firm hand took hold of my wrist. I looked back at Jessica, the photographer. She smiled and stroked my arm.
Gently removing my wrist from her grip, I took a step away from her. “Erm, thanks, Jessica. That was great. I can’t wait to see the proofs.” I was about to turn on my heel and walk away, but her voice stopped me. I wasn’t a rude guy; I couldn’t just leave someone who was talking to me.
“It was great. You were great.” She licked her bottom lip, an action that barely made me look away from her eyes. Two weeks ago I would have probably jumped at getting some action with her, but all I could think about was Ella.
“Yeah, thanks. I’ve really got to go. My girlfriend’s outside waiting for me. Thanks again.”
I took in her momentary look of confusion. “Girlfriend? But I was told you were single and looking to hook up.”
I was completely thrown. Where on earth would she hear that, and why would she think it? I shook my head in question. “No, sorry.” I indicated outside toward the exit. “I have a girlfriend.” I knew I should question her, get some answers, but I just needed to get to Ella. I needed to get my arse out of the station to find her and figure out what was going on. The fact that she had yet to return concerned me.
That time, I spun on my heels and headed out the door before Jessica could respond. Making my way toward the parking lot, I looked around, trying to spot Ella. She was sitting under a large gum tree, surrounded by shadow.
A mixture of relief and anxiety filled me when I took in her sad form. Something clearly had happened, and since the only thing that had changed between her arriving and now was that she’d sat and spoken to Ben, no doubt it involved him, although maybe the over-friendly photographer didn’t help. Heading in her direction, I called out to her. She looked up slowly, her eyes complete with sadness and a tight smile formed on her perfect lips. I knelt down next to her.
“Babe, what’s wrong?” I wanted to ask her a million questions, including if I needed to go and beat the crap out of Ben. He was a built bloke, but I was a firm believer of the bigger they were, the harder they’d fall. And I would deck him if he’d hurt her in some way.
Ella pursed her lips as though to talk before she shook her head and sighed. “I’ll talk to you when you get me home.” She stood up, ignoring my outstretched hand to help her. Fuck, this doesn’t look good. I was so damned confused.
“Please, Preston. I just want to go home, okay?” She waited for me to nod before she walked around me and headed to my car.
The journey to her house was the complete opposite to the ride out here. Gone were the banter and the ease. Tension and doubt filled the car. They sat heavily on my chest. I tried to fight them off and attempted light jokes about the shoot a couple of times, but my words hit the steel wall that was solidly erected around her. I’d heard descriptions of Ella’s stubborn hardness; I’d just been lucky enough never to be on the receiving end, until that moment. It was a moment I hated. It took all my willpower to not pull over, kiss her silly and ask her what the shit was going on. But I knew Ella well enough, and knew her stubborn arse would not budge. She’d said she’d talk when we got to her house. And talk we would. I just didn’t know whether to accelerate quicker to get there sooner, or ease off the gas, knowing she was all shades of pissed off.
Instead, I kept to the speed limit. As a firefighter, I couldn’t afford to lose my licence, so I made sure I kept my twitchy foot away from the accelerator pedal. Indicating to the right, I pulled on to her drive. Before I switched off the engine, Ella had already gotten out of the car and was outside her front door with the key in her hand. I sat a fraction longer, watching her step into the house, leaving her door open for me.
Shit. This was not good. I felt it in my gut. I knew logically I’d done nothing wrong, so whatever had got her panties in a twist could be sorted. Sighing, I prepared myself as I made my way to her house. I was not looking forward to our next conversation.
I found her in the kitchen drinking a large glass of water. When she was finished, she sat on one of the stools and faced me. I leaned against the bench top,
hands behind my back.
“Who’s Sarah?”
My brows furrowed in confusion. I couldn’t help but wonder why she was asking about Sarah. “I don’t understand?”
“I’ll ask again. Who’s Sarah? Be straight with me, Preston.”
Disbelief rushed through my veins when I took in her harsh voice and face. As she frowned, still maintaining eye contact with me, my eyes scanned her face looking for another tell about where this conversation was going. “Sarah? The only Sarah I know is Mac’s sister. Why? I didn’t see her today. Did she say something to upset you?”
Frown lines between her brows deepened before she looked away. This was her thinking face; she was clearly mulling over my answer.
“Talk to me, El? Seriously, you’re freaking me out.”
She turned back to me as I spoke and released a breath. “So Mac’s sister, this Sarah, what’s your story with her?”
Story? What the hell was she talking about? Sarah had hung around the station a few times, plus I’d seen her out at a few bars, and I supposed she may have had a crush on me, but it was nothing I ever pursued. She was far too clingy for me; I could tell by the way she’d always appear where I was, and her need for reassurance. Obviously, the fact that she was Mac’s kid sister may have had something to do with it. “There is no story. Never has been and never will be.” I pushed away from the work surface and walked towards Ella. I leaned over the breakfast bar, closing the distance between us. “Now, what’s this really about? Why are you asking about Sarah?”
She worried at her bottom lip and tapped her fingers on the breakfast bar. I reached out and held her hand, half expecting her to pull away. Relief flowed through me when her hand remained in place. ‘”So she’s not your girlfriend then? Never has been?”
“What? Hell, no. There’s never been another girl—”
She raised her eyebrows at my answer.
“You know what I mean. I’ve never been in a relationship. I couldn’t. I couldn’t pretend to be interested in anyone, nothing beyond something superficial. You know this. There’s just you.” I reached out and touched her cheek. “Who said we had a history, El?”
“Ben.”
The fucker. His smug grin after El had left the station hit me hard. The shit had done this deliberately, and I was damned if I knew why. What the hell had I ever done to him? “He’s full of shit, babe. I have no idea why he said the crap he did to you, but it’s all lies, every single last word.”
She looked out the window, contemplating my words. Returning her gaze to mine, her face still locked down, she said, “Okay, I believe you. I do. I have no idea why he told me about Sarah. He was pretty convincing. You need to find out why.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I plan on doing just that.” My muscles taut with anger, I had to talk myself down from heading to the station immediately. It was clear my distrust of Ben had finally been confirmed.
Ella’s eyes had lost their shine. Sadness filled her features, making me want to roar my anger, sweep her up in my arms, and kiss her sadness away. “Hey, babe, we good?”
She pursed her lips before she spoke. “I just have a headache. Do you mind leaving so I can take a lie down?”
I didn’t want to leave. She hadn’t answered my question, but pushing her to talk about our relationship at that moment would not end well. I knew her well enough to know when to push and when to back the hell off. This was a time for the latter. My shoulders sagged when I leaned in to kiss her goodbye and she turned her cheek to me. The barriers she had built up earlier were still firmly in place. I would do everything in my power to make her smile again. This was neither of our faults. Both of us had been screwed over by a jackass from my work. I’d bow out for now and give her time to do whatever she felt she needed to. It would give me the opportunity to pound the crap out of Ben.
“Okay, El, I’ll call you later to see how you’re feeling. You just go and rest.” As I exited, I looked back, hoping to catch her eye and see a smile. Instead, she’d stood and walked to the sink, her back to me, remaining silent.
My desire to call Ben out surged through me, but I knew I needed to cool down first. As much as I wanted to confront and ideally punch the crap out of him, I also knew that the station officer would have something to say about it. So instead I headed home to grab my board, so I could take it out on the waves.
Chapter Eleven
Ella
The finality of the door closing was significant. I could not do this. Not again. Never again. What was worse was that I believed him, completely, but the thought alone of having my heart ripped out of my chest in any way, especially because of his cheating arse, I couldn’t handle.
Deep waves of sadness flowed through my body, threatening to surge and overflow. Preston would never intentionally hurt me yet I stood, focusing on my backyard, my heart feeling heavy. Poor Preston had done nothing wrong. I hadn’t even planted the seeds of doubt that had now implanted in my mind, sprouted roots and were firmly fixed to my heart and brain. I just couldn’t risk it.
I hated it. I hated that I felt so broken. Surely, I was too young to be feeling this way. At twenty-eight I should be carefree, perhaps thinking about settling down, maybe even considering having babies. Every rational thought I had knew I was perhaps over-thinking this Sarah thing, but the doubt was now there, refusing to budge. And on this one, I knew my heart would win. At any moment, I would begin to rebuild the wall around my heart; the one that Preston had managed, in such a short few days, to pick at. I’d been feeling it crumble as I opened up to the possibility of love, yet now I just didn’t think I could let whatever was happening between Preston and me go any further. I almost scoffed at myself. I’d already thought of the word love, and after just a few days. Having Preston as my friend, a friend who I loved beforehand, had made a difference to the crazy speed things had been moving. Now, though, fear began to wipe that away. I needed to protect myself. It really was as simple, yet as complicated as that.
I knew Preston would not take the news well. Shit, I was having a difficult enough time getting my head straight rather than collapsing to my knees and sobbing on my kitchen floor. He loved me. I knew he would want me to be happy. I just hoped we could find a place to continue to be friends. There would be no chance of things returning to how they were. Seeing your friend’s penis and riding it hard moved us beyond the point of no return. But I would do everything in my power to make sure we held on to some sort of friendship. Not having Preston in my life was not an option.
I missed Jo. In just a few days she’d be back, happily married, and no doubt putting me in place. I needed that. I also needed to drink tequila. This one I could manage by myself, however.
I opened a cabinet and pulled out some Advil. I hadn’t been lying when I’d told Preston I had a headache. Knocking it back with a gulp of water, I made my way to my room, stripped off my clothes and lay down in bed. As soon as my head my pillow, my eyes welled with tears that spilled onto my pillow. I caught a sob in my throat, thinking about my ridiculous heart. I wanted to trust and make it work. I really did, but my damn heart was simply making me anxious. Love shouldn’t make you anxious, right? Anxious for the next kiss, the next greeting, the next lay, maybe, but anxiety teamed with fear for my heart was not okay. While this thought filled me with resolve, it also pulled at my sadness.
***
I awoke with the bright sun beating down on me, filtering through my sheer curtains. For a moment I lay in bed, allowing the sound of the kookaburra to calm me. The noisy kookaburra was my alarm clock, always greeting me in the morning, calling out to me to get my butt out of bed. I sighed and turned to look at the time. Right on cue, it was 5.30am. I groaned. Despite my holidays, my body clock and my kookaburra clock were both stubbornly fixed on school time.
As I allowed the call of the bird to wash over me, I stretched and then grimaced. My decision from the previous night crashed down on me. I knew I needed to have a conversation with Preston; it was unavoidab
le. But admittedly, my fear at his possible reaction left me feeling cold. I already felt the anxiety forming in my chest.
I dragged my reluctant backside out of bed, knowing that simply lying there procrastinating would not make me feel any better. Ignoring my heavy heart, I headed to the shower before pausing and detouring to the garage.
The light flickered on, chasing away the darkness of the windowless space. I hesitated at the doorway before my mind was made up. My red longboard stood, beckoning to me. It had been such a long time since I’d heard it call out to me, and a long time since I’d been out on my own conviction. I felt the draw, the pull to head out to sea, the need to feel the release only the cool waves could offer. Needing the adrenalin of the ride to wash over me and lighten my spirit, I smiled.
With no more hesitation, I stripped out of my sleep clothes, pulled on one of my bikinis, board shorts and a rash vest, and took hold of my board. Minutes later, my board was strapped to my roof-racks and I was headed to my local surf beach.
Paddling out, my soul filled with a calming lightness. It coursed through my body, lifting both my heart and my spirit. There were a few other surfers out enjoying the early morning waves. Like me, they were relishing the quiet before the tourists flocked to the beaches and filled up the waves with their foam boards.
I paddled out hard over the white foamy waves, wanting to head out to the clean, calm water before the sets rolled in. Scooping my hands through the crystal clear surf, I revelled in the burn in my arms. This was what my body had been craving over the last few years. The pure and raw escapism that only the surf could offer. I could have easily become angry at the wasted years I allowed to happen as a result of Fuckwit, yet the moment was too serene to mar it with thoughts no longer worth my time.
My muscles relaxed. A smile tugged at my lips as the refreshing spray hit my face. Perfect.
Landing in the green, I sat up, legs spread wide, feet either side of the board. I looked back to the shore before returning my gaze to the open sea. I counted the sets coming in, loving the feeling of catching the perfect wave created just for me. The wave that would lift me up, and allow me to ride it.