Emily had given me a pass on the morning’s preparations what with having the farm and Harry to deal with, and when I walked in I saw with relief that she had more than enough help on hand. Boxes were still scattered throughout as she was only just moving in – Brodie and Emily hadn’t lived together before today. There was make-up and clothes strewn around the living room, champagne glasses perched on all the surfaces. ‘Is this organised chaos or just chaos?’ I asked the familiar faces in the room with a smile, from the doorway.
‘Heather!’ Beth Fraser spun around from where she was saying my name at the exact time as Emily who was standing in the centre of the room, her mother straightening the tiara on her head.
‘Wow, Emily…’ I breathed. She looked gorgeous. As we were so close to Christmas, Emily had wanted to go all out for the season theming the wedding around red and gold. Her love of vintage led her to the ivory prom-style dress she was wearing today, which showed off her hour-glass figure. She was all curves and red lipstick, and her blonde hair was pinned up in a chic bun. ‘You too Beth, actually all of you!’ I added. Beth was wearing the same dress as me, the mother-of-the-bride was in a pencil skirt and blouse, Beth’s mother Caroline wore a smart navy suit, and Izzy, Beth’s daughter, who had just turned thirteen, wore a shorter red dress as the other bridesmaid. Brodie’s mother and sister, Anna, who I had met at the hen afternoon tea were also there along with Sally, who was Emily’s aunt and the former housekeeper at Glendale Hall, and finally there was baby Iona, curled up in her pram fast asleep. She was Emily’s daughter from a previous relationship but Brodie loved her like his own, I knew.
‘Are you sure I look okay?’ Emily asked the room nervously. ‘It all happened so fast, I thought the dress was okay but…’
I stepped fully into the room. ‘It’s perfect. You are perfect.’
She smiled. ‘Really?’
‘Really,’ everyone told her, making her smile.
She and Brodie had only got engaged on her birthday eight weeks ago but they hadn’t wanted to wait to get married so with the help of Beth and her mother, Caroline, who had organised her own wedding to husband John at short notice, pulled off arranging a wedding at the church, which would be followed by a reception at Beth’s family estate in record time.
‘Only you left now, Heather,’ Caroline said then as she handed me my bouquet of red roses. My stomach plummeted. This was one of the reasons I had not been as excited about the wedding today as I wanted to be. I was the last of our group without a ring on my finger, and no one was unforthcoming about asking me when it might appear.
‘Mum!’ Beth admonished, giving me an apologetic look. Behind her, Emily smiled at me reassuringly. They both knew why I hesitated in making my own trip down the aisle – the fact that my mother wouldn’t be there to help me get ready as Emily’s was, and as Caroline had been at Beth’s wedding. I also knew that both of them hoped I would come around, and have my own happy ending, like them. I felt like I was disappointing everyone I cared about by not accepting Rory’s proposal.
‘You know me, I’m still holding out for Mr Darcy,’ I replied, going for a joke, which was my go-to response when anyone brought it up. Far easier than telling them the truth. Plus, I wanted to diffuse any possible tension between Beth and her mother. They had reconciled a couple of years ago after ten years of estrangement but sometimes their old personality clashes resurfaced.
‘I prefer Mr Knightley,’ Izzy piped up then. That girl was as much of a bookworm as I was. She was still disappointed that I had left my job at the Glendale library. After trying to juggle it along with looking after Harry and helping more and more at the farm, something had had to give. I still missed it though, it really had been this bookworm’s dream job. But I hadn’t been coping with trying to do it all, not that I had ever admitted that. I just told everyone I needed to put my family first. I still felt like I was on the back foot most of the time but at least I wasn’t being pulled in quite so many different directions now.
‘Jane Austen wasn’t very kind about vicars, was she?’ Emily asked. ‘Look at Mr Collins.’
‘Well, you’ve proved her wrong by finding a perfect one to be your husband,’ I told her, glad the heat was off me.
‘Speaking of, we’d better get you up that aisle,’ Beth said, checking the time. ‘You are the most beautiful bride, Em. You deserve a lifetime of happiness with Brodie.’
‘Oh God, don’t make me cry,’ Emily said with a laugh as she clasped her bouquet to her chest, her eyes shining with happiness. I followed them out of the vicarage ready for our procession inside the church and couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever be ready to make the same walk myself.
Chapter Two
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman approaching thirty must be desperate to get married.
I had been asked by no fewer than five people at Emily and Brodie’s reception when it would be my turn. I tried to laugh it off but it quickly began to grate. You would have thought nowadays that asking personal questions was known to be impolite but nope, at a wedding all bets seemingly are off, and no one was shy about it. ‘I’m going to scream if one more person asks when Rory is going to propose,’ I hissed when I found Beth at the back of the marquee talking to one of the catering staff. I held Harry with one of my hands, the other gripped my glass of champagne, as I waited for her to finish and walk up to me. ‘I mean, seriously, are we stuck in the 1950s or something? They’ve never heard of a couple having a child and not getting married? And when did it become okay to question people’s life choices anyway? Can they even hear themselves?!’
After the beautiful, and emotional, church service, we had all set off for Glendale Hall for the reception. This was Beth’s family home and a grand house set in acres of land just outside the village. I had spent many days at the Hall growing up as I had known Beth since primary school although we had lost touch for ten years after she fled to London pregnant at sixteen. Once she came back to Glendale with her daughter Izzy though, our friendship had continued as if we had never been apart, and now that I was with her husband’s brother, we were practically family; along with Emily, we all spent tonnes of time together.
The reception was in a marquee in the middle of the lush, green, landscaped lawn. The marquee was decorated with fairy lights and roses, the theme red and gold to match the season, everything sparkling and elegantly festive. I’d soon lost sight of Rory as he found his brother Drew and their friends, as well as that beer he had been longing for, no doubt. So, I was left to answer all the difficult questions from Glendale’s nosiest residents by myself. What none of them understood was that I wasn’t waiting for Rory to propose at all. He already had. Last Hogmanay. I just hadn’t said yes. Yet.
Beth shook her head. ‘Okay, first, breathe. Usually, I can keep up with how fast you talk, I’m used to it, but even I had trouble with that sentence. And you know what our village is like. People still ask me when Izzy is going to have a brother or sister,’ she said with an eye roll. I knew she and Drew had no plans to expand their family, they loved it being the three of them too much to change it. ‘They have no filter, you know that. But they don’t mean any harm. They’re just invested in you and Rory, they can see how great you are together. Everyone loves a happy ending. And I know you do too, right?’
I sighed. She had me there. My favourite books were love stories, and I had definitely encouraged Beth and Drew to realise their feelings for one another. But I just couldn’t quite visualise my own happy ending. ‘Fine, but if someone else asks me, you’d better step in because I can’t be held responsible for my actions.’
‘I’ll keep an eye out for you. But, seriously, why are you letting them get to you so much today? Usually you just laugh it off?’ she asked, grabbing a champagne glass off a passing tray and taking a sip.
I thought about walking up the aisle in the church earlier behind Emily. I had met Rory’s eyes up there as we walked towards the groom, and I just knew he
had been thinking of what it would be like if our roles were swapped – if I had been walking to meet him at the altar. I had pictured it too myself for a moment. But then the familiar ache hit me. The fact that Emily glanced at her parents just before she reached the altar. The fact that if I did that then my beloved mother wouldn’t return my smile, wouldn’t be dabbing her eyes filled with emotion, grasping my dad’s hand tightly, the fact that she wouldn’t be there at all, and the fantasy disappeared as abruptly as it had started.
My mum died eight years ago, when I was twenty-one. I had just taken my final exams at university when my dad called me home after she suddenly fell ill. I’d dropped everything, left university before graduation, and my boyfriend there to be with her. A few weeks later, she passed away, and the absence that she left was still wide, and had seemed to become even stronger the past couple of years after I fell in love with Rory and unexpectedly got pregnant so early on in our relationship. It hurt every day that she would never know our beautiful boy.
A lump rose in my throat. ‘Because I’m at another wedding, I suppose. And Rory and me are the only two of our group not married now. And all these people asking me about it, just makes me feel even guiltier for holding out on him,’ I said. Harry squirmed so I put him down. He spotted a gold balloon on the floor and hurried over to it. ‘I feel like I’m letting everyone down, I guess,’ I admitted. I felt guilty because I thought I should have the same surname as my son, and I knew that Rory really wanted us to get married, but I just wasn’t ready.
‘It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks,’ Beth said firmly. She knew what it was like to be talked about, after all she had been a teenage single mother, and I admired how she seemed to be able to ignore the local gossip. ‘Only what you think. It’s your life, not theirs. And you know that Rory understands how you feel about your mum. He loves you and wants you to be happy, he won’t push you,’ she said with a reassuring smile. ‘When the time is right, you’ll know.’
‘That makes me feel more guilty though, he’s too good to me,’ I said, swigging my glass of champagne dry. We didn’t go to many events nowadays so the champagne was already starting to make me feel light-headed. I would pay for it tomorrow when I had to be up at dawn with a hangover but it felt like the best way to get through today.
‘That’s not true, he should be good to you,’ Beth replied. ‘Don’t worry, it’s not like he doesn’t know you’re committed to him. You two are meant for one another.’
I wondered how Beth could be that sure when I still felt so uncertain about the future. Before I could ask though, I saw Harry start running off after the balloon. ‘Harry, come back!’ I gave Beth an apologetic look but she just waved me off; she knew what life was like with a toddler.
Turning around, I frowned as I lost sight of him. ‘Harry, where are you?’ I hissed, trying not to be too loud and disrupt the reception. Panic began to rise as I rushed around, trying to see where he had gone. Rationally, I knew he couldn’t have gone far and it wasn’t as if this wasn’t a safe space, but not being able to catch sight of him still made my heart begin to thud inside my chest. ‘Harry!’ I called louder this time. I reached the tables set up for the dinner and bent down, trying to see if he might be under one.
‘Lost someone?’
I stood up hurriedly to see Rory behind me, Harry in his arms, holding the balloon triumphantly.
I clutched my chest in relief. ‘He just ran off. I don’t know what happened. I was right there then he just disappeared, and I couldn’t see him anywhere—’
‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Rory interrupted, frowning at my gabbled words. ‘He was just on a balloon hunt, weren’t you?’ he said to Harry who was, of course, completely unruffled whereas my heart just wouldn’t slow down. ‘I think someone might be getting too excited.’ He looked at me with concern. ‘Why don’t we go for a walk before the meal, tire him out a little? Get some fresh air, huh?’
I knew I could do with that so I nodded. ‘Let’s have a look at the trail,’ I suggested. Every year, Glendale Hall put on a Christmas trail of lights in the grounds raising money to fund community projects and for the whole village to enjoy, and they had put it up earlier than usual because of the wedding. It was a magical trail – Beth and Drew had even got engaged walking down it one Christmas. Both Emily and Brodie had wanted guests to be able to take a walk down it after dinner so Beth had laid down a track of carpet to avoid anyone getting mud on their fancy shoes, or heels sinking into the grass.
Rory and I pulled on our coats and headed off to it together. It was already dark outside and the stars were shining brightly thanks to the clear sky. I had only left Glendale for three years when I went to university at St Andrews and I had missed being able to see the stars like this. They always helped to calm me down.
Harry’s eyes lit up as we passed by the banner I had designed for the trail in its first year hanging between two trees, an inflatable snowman and Santa standing at either side of the entrance. I loved designing things. I had taken adult classes at the local college after my love for it was reawakened by designing this banner. It was something I had enjoyed while growing up but it hadn’t felt like a career path. Instead, I studied English Literature at university and ended up working at the Glendale library when I returned home, not wanting to leave my dad alone after my mum died. Then, when I moved onto the farm and had Harry, it became hard to juggle it all so I left the library. I wanted to do more design work like the logos I had made for Emily when she opened up her bakery in the village, but it was hard to fit it all in. I had an idea that when Harry went to school, I might start my own business. But I wasn’t sure if it was possible, the farm and our farm shop in the High Street took up so much time.
‘Feeling better?’ Rory asked lightly, but I didn’t miss his look of concern. I knew he found it hard to understand how much I worried about things, and I couldn’t blame him. I found it hard to understand my anxiety a lot of the time myself too. I tried to shield him from it as much as I could, tried to keep a smile on my face, but I knew he saw through me. He always had.
‘It was just worrying not being able to see him,’ I said, looking down at Harry walking with his hand in his father’s, dazzled by the lights. The world always seemed so much more special through his eyes. ‘I shouldn’t have taken my eyes off him.’
‘You can’t watch him every second. He’s walking now, he needs to find his own way in the world and fall over sometimes. That’s life, right?’ Rory pointed. ‘Look at those snowflakes,’ he said, showing Harry the lights draped around a tree as we passed it.
I knew he was right but I still felt like I had to watch Harry all the time, especially at the farm where there were so many hazards for someone so small. ‘It really is beautiful this year,’ I said, attempting to change the subject. Beth and Glendale Hall’s gardener, John, spent a lot of time on trying to improve the trail each year, I knew. ‘Look at that, Harry!’ A huge tree stood in front of us decorated in what looked like a thousand lights. We all looked up at it in awe. ‘How pretty is that?’
‘We can decorate our Christmas tree together this year,’ Rory told Harry. ‘Start an annual tradition.’
‘That would be nice,’ I said. ‘He’ll be aware of Christmas this year, we should make it special. I want him to love Christmas as much as I did growing up. My mum always made it so special for me.’ I swallowed hard, thinking about how she had always gone all out celebrating, which was why I found it so hard at this time of year without her. She should have been here to celebrate with us. She would have spoilt Harry so much, I knew.
‘It will be special,’ Rory promised. ‘I think we’ll have early snow this year, it’s already freezing. Let’s go to the grotto, my legs are turning blue.’
‘I hope you’re wearing underwear,’ I said with a grin. ‘Otherwise they won’t be the only thing turning blue!’
Rory snorted with laughter. I always enjoyed our banter when we got to spend time together. It felt as if we had be
en teasing each other forever. It had begun when he had just been Drew’s annoying older brother, and now it was like a secret language just the two of us shared.
We walked towards the grotto, a tent at the end, the grand finale of the trail. I hoped the snow wouldn’t be too heavy yet, sometimes we ended up getting stranded at the farm, which always worried me in case of emergencies. Rory was used to it though, having lived his whole life there, and as long as the animals were okay for food and water, he actually quite enjoyed it, which I just couldn’t understand.
Harry let out a gasp as he saw the giant sleigh piled with presents inside the grotto. There was also a Santa and two reindeer figures that looked lifelike, alongside the fake fireplace hung with stockings. And a workshop table with crafting things for the kids to make and do. Harry ran over to the sleigh to touch the reindeers, not bothered in the least that they weren’t the real thing. Rory stepped over to me and wrapped an arm around my waist as we watched our son. ‘I can’t believe he’s almost two. Where has the time gone?’
‘I know,’ I agreed with a sigh. ‘I still think of him as a baby but he’s becoming a little person now. I love these moments when it’s just us three.’ We had such a big group of family and friends, and such a busy life on the farm, that I cherished these quieter times when it was just the three of us. I felt more able to relax somehow. I didn’t have to put on any kind of front, I supposed.
‘Me too,’ Rory said. ‘Soon he won’t want to hang out with us so we’d better make the most of it. I guess that’s why people have more than one child, to hang on to this for longer,’ he said, gesturing to Harry talking animatedly to the fake Santa. About what I couldn’t tell, he still sometimes just spoke what sounded like nonsense, in his adorable little Scottish accent.
I couldn’t help but stiffen a little. I knew Rory dreamed of having a big family, and I did want to give Harry a sibling but the past two years had been such a whirlwind, it felt as if I was still playing catch up. ‘That’s still a long way off hopefully, he can’t even put his own shoes on.’
Hopeful Hearts at Glendale Hall Page 2