‘And now you’re not so sure?’
‘More like, I worry that this life I have right now, I’m not the right person for.’ The words tumbled out, my biggest fears.
Stewart put his hand on my waist and pulled me closer to him. My breath hitched in my throat. ‘I would never make you feel like you weren’t the right person for me,’ he whispered. I opened my mouth to tell him that wasn’t what I meant. Rory had never made me feel that way, it all came from me I knew that. From my own insecurities. But Stewart took my silence as encouragement and brushed his lips against mine before I could stop him.
I jerked away in shock.
‘Heather…’ He tried to reach for me again, but I shook him off, horrified that I’d let him kiss me.
I turned and fled from the grotto without waiting to hear what he was going to say. His kiss had been like an electric shock waking me up. I rushed down the trail and out into the driveway.
I thought I heard footsteps behind me but I didn’t turn around, I just jumped into my car and pulled away as fast as I could. I’d text Beth to explain when I got home. I just had to get away.
It wasn’t until I was driving down the dark, twisting road towards the farm that I noticed a car was behind me. Rather unusual at this time of night on this road. I looked in my mirror but all I could see was headlights. The car behind me followed me closely, too closely, all the way until the hidden turn into our farm. It was unnerving.
I drove through the gates, opened the car door with the engine still running, and hopped out to shut the gate as fast as I could before jumping back in to the car, heart thumping as I drove down the drive up to our farmhouse. I looked in the mirror again but all was darkness behind me.
I let out a breath and told myself that I was crazy in more ways than one.
Chapter Twenty-Two
On Friday morning, I woke up in the dim light. I glanced beside me and saw Rory was already awake and lying on his back, eyes open, staring at the ceiling. I’d had a restless night after coming home and finding Rory already in bed, the house quiet and still, the guilt resting as heavy on my chest as a tractor. I rolled over on to my side, and he turned to look at me. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said in a soft voice. ‘I never want you to think that I don’t love you. My worries, my insecurities, my anxieties, I know that they all come from me. Not you.’ I sighed. ‘I’m letting you all down, I know that.’
‘You’ve never let me down,’ he said, his voice croaky from sleep. He rolled onto his side so we were face-to-face, separated only by our pillows.
‘I have,’ I whispered, knowing I needed to be completely honest with him even though I wasn’t really sure quite where to start. I took a deep breath. ‘Last night, Stewart came to Glendale Hall. He asked if me and him had any chance of being more than work partners, if we could get back together, I suppose,’ I said, the words almost sticking in my throat but I forced them out. If we were going to move past this, I had to tell Rory everything. ‘And then he kissed me.’
Rory closed his eyes. ‘I knew it,’ he muttered.
‘It was only a second… and as soon as he did it, it was like I woke up from a dream.’ I added quickly, reaching out to touch the side of his face. My heart raced inside my chest as I pleaded with him to believe in what I was telling him. ‘I didn’t feel anything for him, I swear it.’
He moved out of my reach and opened his eyes to look at me. ‘How can I believe that? Ever since he came back, I’ve felt you slipping away from me.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, my voice breaking at the end. ‘I know that I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve been so confused. I think because he reminded me of my past, and perhaps that made me question all of this.’ I pointed between us. ‘But when he kissed me, I knew instantly I didn’t want to be with him like that. The only person I want to kiss is you.’ I couldn’t bear the hurt look on his face. I hated that I had hurt him.
‘I want to trust you but…’ He trailed off, the pain etched on his face.
‘I’m so sorry, Rory. But I promise you that even though I am confused about what I want, and I’m scared about the future, I only want to be with you. I swear it. Only if you still want me, that is.’ I bit my lip nervously.
‘I’ll never not want you but Heth, I need to know I’m not in this alone. You, Harry, this farm, our family – that’s what I care about.’
‘I know, and I do too. I’ll prove it to you,’ I told him fiercely.
‘I don’t need proof, I just want to know I’m not in this alone.’
I reached for him and we kissed. The way his kiss made me feel just cemented that whatever Stewart and I had had it was in the past. But even though I loved Rory, he was right – something was holding me back and I needed to know what that was, and to do something about it because I really didn’t want to lose him. Or what we had. Stewart had at least shown me that.
‘Mummy!’
We broke apart as Harry called out from his room. I smiled but Rory still looked uneasy, and how could I blame him? ‘I’ll go and get him and make us all a family breakfast.’ I jumped out of bed and slid my feet into slippers. ‘God, it’s freezing.’ As I passed the window, I looked outside. ‘It’s snowing again,’ I said, with a sigh as I saw the farm was all covered in white.
‘No rest for the wicked,’ Rory replied, climbing out of bed too. He headed for the bathroom and I watched him go nervously. Rory was a better person than I’d ever be, but even he was reaching his limit, I could tell.
I had to save us somehow.
* * *
The gunshot echoed through the kitchen making my dad clatter his cutlery down on the plate, and causing me to slosh the coffee I was pouring over the table, and not into my cup. ‘Oh my God,’ I said, jumping up. I rushed out of the back door and saw Rory in the yard, airgun in hand.
‘Dog,’ Angus said, appearing at my side, making me jump all over again. ‘Was trying to get in the horses’ paddock.’
I watched as the dog ran down the driveway, Rory following it. Unknown dogs could cause a lot of problems on the farm worrying the animals. We waited, flakes drifting down on us, until Rory walked back. ‘Chased him off. The gate was open,’ he said, shaking his head.
‘I definitely locked it,’ I said, immediately. ‘I…’
‘What is it?’ Rory asked as I trailed off.
‘It sounds crazy but I thought someone was following me home last night. I don’t know. What if they opened the gate after me? But why?’
‘A lot going wrong around here lately,’ Angus commented.
‘I promise I locked it,’ I repeated.
‘I know.’ Rory hooked the gun over his shoulder. ‘It’s okay.’ He and Angus exchanged looks.
‘What? Tell me,’ I said, not wanting to be left out of whatever they were thinking, hoping it wasn’t that I was a liability here or something.
‘You don’t think it’s anything to do with Stewart, do you?’ Rory said, running a hand through his hair.
My instinct was to say no but then I hesitated. Could it have been him trailing me from Glendale Hall after our kiss?
‘Everything okay?’ Dad said then, poking his head out of the back door. ‘Harry’s a bit upset in here…’
‘I’m coming,’ I said quickly, going inside, but Rory’s question followed me all the way.
Chapter Twenty-Three
As the afternoon drew on, everyone began arriving at the farm ready for our episode of Countryside Watch to air. Things were still uneasy between me and Rory but I became caught up in everyone’s excitement about the TV show. Pretty much everyone in the village was planning to watch, and our living room was filled up with friends and family who had wanted to come and see it with us. My dad had brought lots of snacks, all now laid out on the coffee table, and Rory was passing out teas and coffees as I gave Harry to Izzy and tried to find seats for everyone. The room was full. As well as everyone from the Hall, Emily and Brodie and baby Iona had come, as had all the staff from our shops, everyon
e closing up an hour early to make it. I put the TV on ready, turning it on mute for now.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and when I looked, I saw it was Stewart again. He had tried to phone me four times today but I had ignored each call. A text came in then.
I’m sorry, Heather, if I overstepped last night. I’m not sorry that I wanted to kiss you, but I won’t do it again if that’s what you want. Please don’t let this stop you working with me. I need you in my life now.
I quickly put the phone away; I had no idea what I would even reply to that. I glanced at Rory chatting to his brother, the room filled with people who were by our side day in and day out. That almost-kiss with Stewart felt like a dream, as if it had happened to someone else entirely.
It was becoming harder for me to see why I wanted to walk away from all of this. There was still an attraction in going back to how things were, perhaps we all felt like that sometimes – things always looked better in retrospect, but if I did then I could lose everything I had now.
Beth came over then. I hadn’t seen her since I fled Glendale Hall after Stewart kissed me, although I’d messaged her to say I’d had to hurry back for Harry and hadn’t been able to find her to say goodbye. ‘Everything okay?’ she asked me softly.
‘I think so,’ I said. ‘It’s been a strange few days but I think everything is getting back on track now.’ I glanced at Rory, and smiled.
‘Well, good,’ she said, rubbing my arm. ‘I’ve been worried. But this will be so great for you guys,’ she said, gesturing to the TV. ‘It’s almost time, isn’t it? I think you should make a speech,’ she added more loudly, and the room grew quieter, everyone turning expectantly to me.
I looked around the room at my smiling and excited friends and family, and I knew that whatever happened, I was surrounded by people who loved and supported me. And that meant a lot to me.
Dad clinked his glass then. ‘Heather has a few words to say everyone!’
‘Thanks for putting me on the spot, guys,’ I said, moving to the front of the room. ‘Well, in a minute you’ll see me chatting incoherently about posting on Instagram and somehow going viral. But, seriously, I think that people loved seeing our way of life out here, and the presenter said everyone wants to live in Glendale, and who can really blame them, huh?’ There were claps and cheers then. ‘I know that things feel a little uncertain around here,’ I said then, more seriously, meeting Rory’s eyes. ‘But this farm has stood here for hundreds of years, and so has Hilltop, and so has Glendale village, and it will stand for hundreds more years especially if we can keep showing people that places like these need protecting.’ I hadn’t expected those words to come out of my mouth, but they had. And I believed them, and the response afterwards showed everyone in the room did too.
Beth sent me a photo she had taken of me making my speech so I posted it on Instagram asking my followers, which were steadily growing every day, to watch and tell me what they thought of my first ever TV appearance. It had become second nature to post updates online now, and I enjoyed reading people’s comments, and I’d found a few other women in farming to follow, and they were lots of fun to chat to, and it was still a relief when they talked about finding our way of life hard sometimes too. I wasn’t alone. And I needed to keep on remembering that.
I actually didn’t feel nervous about watching myself on the TV show. I felt like it showed how far I had come. I still had far to go though, but so did everyone really. None of us were exactly where we wanted to be, but that was okay. Life was about the journey after all. I felt better about where I was on mine than I had in a long time, which was more than enough.
I went over to where Rory was sitting in one of our armchairs, and I perched on the arm, and he touched the small of my back as the programme started. ‘Here we go,’ I said as the titles came up. I put the sound on, and the room fell silent.
‘Thank you,’ Rory said, leaning closer to speak into my ear. ‘I would never have thought of doing anything like this. I know you worry about what you bring to the farm sometimes but, Heth, you should never worry. You bring you. And that’s exactly what this place needs.’ He fell silent as Countryside Watch started, and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I leaned closer to him, and laughed as everyone cried out when they saw the first glimpse of the farm on TV. I smiled to see my sparkly wellies walking up the hill, Rory and the cows behind me, looking very much as if I was a farmer after all. Unexpectedly, and not at all a typical one.
But one all the same.
* * *
Thoughts of Stewart faded away as Christmas week arrived and with it, my mum’s birthday. I had been dreading it for weeks. It was hard to believe that it had been five years since I last heard her voice. So much time without her presence and support, and right now it felt like I needed her more than ever. The hole she had left in my life was bigger than ever, and I was scared it would never get any smaller.
‘Are you okay, love?’
I turned around to see my dad walking towards me, holding hands with Harry. I wasn’t sure how long I had been standing watching the horses in the paddock as I leaned against their fence. The sun was rising up in the sky, turning it pretty pastel shades of pink above us. ‘I’m sorry, I was miles away.’
‘It’s a hard day,’ he replied softly, coming over to squeeze my shoulder. ‘Shall we head off? We said we’d drop Harry at the bakery on the way.’
‘Okay.’ I climbed off the fence. All the chores had been completed so I couldn’t put it off any longer. It was the same every year – I wanted to mark her passing but I also wished I could forget all about it too. I looked up the hill and saw Rory walking up to see to the cows. I wished I could escape into his embrace, and never leave it, but I had to do this for my dad, and my mum too.
‘Let’s go then, bub,’ I said, picking Harry up and carrying him to the car with us. Emily had kindly agreed to look after him this morning at the bakery and then take him to the vicarage for lunch with Brodie and baby Iona. We would join them there afterwards.
As we drove to the village, I looked out of the window watching the countryside roll by thinking back to five years ago. I had rushed from university in shock to discover Mum was so ill, and I had only weeks with her in the end. She hadn’t had that last birthday or Christmas with us as I’d hoped she might. My Dad and I had been stunned at her rapid decline in the end, and how quickly we had lost her after her diagnosis. It had been so shocking and devastating, but I had held on to the fact that I had at least been able to say goodbye to her.
I thought back to one of our last conversations, when she had been able to have a proper conversation with me still.
* * *
My dad went to get us a coffee so I was sat by her hospital bed alone. Outside, it was snowing and almost Christmas but it was as if time stood still on that ward, as if we were in this bubble where real life had been stopped – all we could think about was being there for Mum, the rest of the world forgotten. ‘When will you go to Edinburgh?’ she asked. ‘With Stewart.’
‘I can’t think about that. I need to be here. He understands.’
‘Does he? You know, I don’t want you to stop your life because of me, I couldn’t bear that…’
‘You are my life,’ I told her firmly. ‘Mum, what do you really think of Stewart?’ I reasoned that on her deathbed she would be honest. My parents hadn’t spent much time with Stewart, only seeing him when they came to see me at university. He always had so much on in the holidays that he’d never stayed in Glendale with us.
‘You know that if you’re happy, I’m happy.’ She squeezed my hand. ‘He’s handsome and charming and clever, but you know that. That’s why you fell for him.’ She hesitated and I nodded for her to continue. ‘But is he kind? I never thought that mattered until I met your father, but I know now that it does. More than anything. I look up to your dad, I admire him both as a man and a person, and also as a father. He makes me a better person. I hope he might say the same. That’s the person
you want to be with in life, I think. Don’t you?’
* * *
Now I realised that at the time I had told myself that Stewart was that man, but I wondered if he had ever been. Rory was a better person than me, I knew that.
‘Here we are,’ my dad said then, pushing the memory of that conversation away. We had arrived in Glendale. He turned to me. ‘I can take him in?’
‘No, it’s okay,’ I reassured him, trying not to look as lost as I felt. I went to the back and lifted Harry out and put him in his pushchair. ‘Let’s go and see Auntie Emily, shall we?’ I said, pushing him inside. Emily’s bakery was one of those places that made you feel comforted as soon as you stepped through the door. It was cheerfully decorated in lemon and blue, the smell of delicious cakes and freshly baked bread making your stomach rumble on cue, the warmth from the coffee machine at odds with the crisp morning. Christmas music played quietly from the back and Jules who worked there was wiping down a table, a couple beside her tucking into coffee and croissants, and behind the long counter Emily, in her apron, was putting out a fresh batch of cupcakes. Beside her, Iona slept peacefully in her pushchair. She was just over a year old now, and had grown up used to noise and company, and was perfectly content accompanying her mother to work most days.
‘Hello, you two!’ Emily said cheerfully, when she looked up to see us enter, the bell on the door jingling merrily at our arrival. Her blonde hair was tied up, a streak of flour across her cheek, as she gave us a wave.
‘It always smells so amazing in here,’ I said, pushing Harry to the counter. ‘Thank you for having him for me, I really appreciate it. I know you have your hands full.’
‘It’s no problem,’ she said, coming round to kiss me on the cheek and to ruffle Harry’s hair. ‘Jules has it all covered here anyway, I’m like a spare part,’ she said, smiling at the manager who grinned back. ‘So, I can take these two home and then make some cakes with Harry’s help there. I thought he might like to make some gingerbread with me. We have festive-d up our menu this week.’
Hopeful Hearts at Glendale Hall Page 16