Dear Graham,
Just after New Year, I met a handsome 30-year-old American in the electrical department of Peter Jones. He was buying a SCART cable for his plasma TV, I was buying an iPod. We ended up going for drinks at the Royal Court, then dinner at Tom Aikens, and each of our five dates since then has been brilliant. The problem is nothing has happened, even though he’s obviously keen. We are both in our early thirties. What should I do? Should I pounce? Would he be shocked? (He is teetotal and from Boston.)
Jules L, London
Dear Jules,
One word screams out from your letter and quite frankly explains everything – teetotal! Without a little vino in the Garden of Eden, the Bible would have been a very short book indeed. I’m afraid to say that, short of plying him with a sneaky sherry trifle, you are going to have to speak to him about it.
Let him know that he is on to a dead cert, tell him that you find him attractive and then ask him how he feels about your relationship becoming physical. The answer, of course, may not be what you want to hear – he may only want you as a friend, there might have been a tragic accident on the climbing frame as a child or there is always the possibility of the old gay chestnut, but at least you’ll know.
Then you’ll either have a happy and rampant sex life or you can return to the electrical department and see what else it stocks.
Dear Graham,
My girlfriend is always having a go at me. It seems she can’t accept that I’m just an average 30-something man who likes relaxing with a cold beer in front of the telly. I’m never going to be able to give her the kind of banter she gets with her girlfriends, nor do I want to. Like most men I’m pretty straightforward and only talk when I’ve got something to say. Why can’t she leave me in peace?
Everything is fine between us and we have a good time together, but these days she’s always nit-picking. If it’s not my clothes that are wrong, it’s the job I do (computer analyst), or the food I like eating (meat and two veg). Her latest campaign is to get me to join a gym and eat more fruit. Every time I go past the fruit bowl, she badgers me.
She’s a great girl, but I’m getting really cheesed off. How can I get her to calm down and stop nagging?
Simon C, Totnes
“A girlfriend is for life, not just half-time.”
Dear Simon,
Your letter makes me nervous. Perhaps your girlfriend is being unreasonable, or – and this is what I fear is true – perhaps she is going out with a fat, sullen drunk.
If she really is a ‘great girl’, then I suggest you listen to her a little or she will find a man who doesn’t just slump in front of the TV not speaking to her and slowly turning into Les Battersby in Coronation Street.
I’m not sure you are ready for a relationship. If your girlfriend does stray and you end up in the boyfriend equivalent of the Battersea Dogs Home, I can’t imagine girls rushing to take you home. A girlfriend is for life, not just half-time.
Dear Graham,
My younger sister is dating a merchant banker, who picked her up in the bar at Sketch and has been plying her with Dom Pérignon and Tiffany jewellery ever since. I can see the attraction – it’s the old chestnut of her looks and his money. The problem is the man is divorced (with kids), twice her age (she’s 22) and deeply unpleasant. Where to begin? He’s arrogant, pompous, offensively right wing and very sexist.
He is in every way the antithesis of her sweet and gentle ex, who grew all his own veg and led walking tours in the Pyrenees for a living.
My husband, who is a human-rights lawyer, won’t have him in the house. I’ve tried not to interfere, hoping it was just a rebound, but my sister appears to be moony-eyed with love. What do I do? Do I interfere and risk alienating her? Or do I just lie low and hope she eventually sees sense?
Sophie B, London
Dear Sophie,
Here’s a handy fact. Your sister isn’t you. A human-rights lawyer or a vegetarian wandering around Andorra may push all your sensitive buttons, but perhaps the younger sister is the yin to your yang. This new man may be hideous in your eyes but who else was she going to meet in the bar at Sketch? It’s not exactly the sort of place where she was going to bump into a male nurse with an interest in butterfly conservation.
I’m not saying that she is lost to you for good, but you should allow her to enjoy her money-fuelled walk on the shallow side. Clearly, it’s a reaction to the endless dreariness of her last boyfriend and it could even be her way of saying that she doesn’t want to end up living your life.
It must be horrible to see this woman you thought you knew drifting into a world you hate, but there is nothing you can do. Only she can realise that she is making a mistake.
Dear Graham,
My boyfriend seems to think that I’m the new nanny. He’s divorced with three children of his own and last weekend – just six months into our relationship – I found myself having to single-handedly host a birthday party for 19 five-year-olds.
Just minutes before the party was due to start, he fled to work, saying he had an urgent deadline, leaving me to organise endless rounds of musical bumps. When he reappeared several hours later, looking distinctly sheepish and clutching a bunch of garage flowers, I could barely speak for exhaustion and fury.
He has joint custody of the kids with his ex-wife and I think he’s struggling to cope. I understand that things are tough for him but I feel as if I’m being taken for a ride. What’s your view?
Faith L, Whitstable, Kent
“Dating a single father-of-three was never going to be a picnic, but nor does it need to be the opening 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan with facepaints.”
Dear Faith,
My view is that you don’t really need me to tell you what you already know. Garage flowers? Your boyfriend has behaved appallingly. This in itself doesn’t make him a monster, but you are going to have to lay down so much law that perhaps this relationship isn’t worth the effort. Only you can decide.
This man clearly can’t cope. I am sympathetic to a point – I’m sure being divorced with three children isn’t as easy as an afternoon at the aquarium followed by pizza, but he is doing nothing to help himself.
By ignoring his inability to manage, he is not giving you the choice to help him.
If he had admitted how much he was dreading the birthday party, you could have stepped into the breach and helped him through the crisp-packet hell of it all. Dating a single father-of-three was never going to be a picnic, but nor does it need to be the opening 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan with facepaints.
Talk to him. Explain that you are willing to help but he has to take the lead, and remind him above all else that garage flowers should only ever be purchased when going to visit someone in a coma – and even then, you’d better pray that they don’t wake up.
Dear Graham,
I’m a 31-year-old American financial analyst with no life. Most nights, I get home too late to do anything but hit the sack. At weekends, all I do is sleep, watch bad movies and eat take-out food. I won’t be going home to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving because I can’t take time out of my job.
I don’t have a social life unless you count client meetings.
After living in Britain for a year, I’ve only got to know my ground-floor neighbour, a hilariously uptight Englishman who is always complaining about my drumming (I took it up in college – it’s good for tension).
Am I a loser? How do I get out of this rut?
Michael W, east London
Dear Michael,
This isn’t rocket science. Leave the house. I understand that during the week all you do is work and sleep but, come the weekend, you should brush your teeth and do something.
While it’s true that an American accent isn’t exactly a passport to popularity in London, I’m sure there must be some percussion workshops going on somewhere in this great capital of ours. Personally, I’d rather watch Jodie Marsh’s wedding video than attend such an event, but I’m guessing
it’ll be right up your alley.
Remember that society doesn’t owe anyone friends – you have to make the effort. Later in life, when the only person you see all day is the man delivering meals on wheels, you’ll be sorry that you wasted all the amazing opportunities that London can offer.
Oh, by the way – buy your neighbour a bottle of wine.
Dear Graham,
My beloved only daughter, Joanna, went off to Venice last weekend and got married secretly. I am heartbroken. From the day she was born, I’ve been looking forward to planning a wonderful wedding for her. It’s dreadfully upsetting that she’s gone and tied the knot on the sly, excluding me. And in a foreign country where she knows nobody.
When I confronted her about it afterwards – in tears – she said she hadn’t wanted any hassle or stress. She argued that it was a private thing and I would have wanted a big, noisy, splashy wedding, packed with relatives she never sees and doesn’t particularly like.
I suspect her other half – a chippy Northerner – is at the bottom of all this. What really worries me is that he’s going to make her miserable. Call me old-fashioned but it seems such a shabby way of marking such a momentous event.
My husband, who is disappointed, too, but is pretending not to be, says that at least we didn’t have to ‘fork out’. But it’s not about money, is it?
Maureen P, Somerset
Dear Maureen,
No, it’s not about money and by the way the other thing it isn’t about is you. This was Joanna’s special day and if this is how she chose to celebrate it then so be it. An event that you view as penny-pinching and tight could be seen by many others as wildly romantic.
Venice isn’t exactly Skegness with a fish-supper reception, is it? Judging from your egocentric sobfest in front of your daughter, I’m guessing you aren’t the kind of woman who hides her feelings that well. Your new son-in-law is probably painfully aware of your low opinion of him. Why on earth would he want to spend his happy day with you?
The good news for your dream wedding plans is that the chances of any marriage lasting are extremely slim. Next time round, keep your mouth shut and maybe, just maybe, you’ll get to wear your big hat. Try to make it about yourself again and I promise you that Joanna will end up tying the knot in front of some sweat-stained Elvis in Vegas.
Dear Graham,
My trustafarian landlord, who is unfortunately also my flatmate, thinks he’s Damien Hirst and keeps preserved tarantulas in glass. Most of the time he’s away building mud huts in Africa, but when he’s home he pulls all his artefacts out of the bedroom and starts attempting to ‘decorate’ the house with his macabre collection.
I am really scared of spiders – even dead ones – and have to flee the house, gibbering all the way to the bus stop to keep myself calm. It only takes a glimpse of a tarantula while I’m eating my cornflakes in the morning to make me scream with terror.
I’ve asked him to remove the spiders, but within days they always pop up again in some unexpected place, whether it’s above the lavatory cistern or next to the tennis rackets in the hall. Perhaps he thinks it’s funny, but it’s genuinely upsetting.
Short of moving out, what would you do in my place?
Fanny M, London
Dear Fanny,
The first thing you must do is stop writing to me. You have a morbid fear of spiders and you decided it was a good idea to rent a room from a man who collects them? Are you the Mayor of Idiot Town?
I think you’ll find that Jeremy Clarkson doesn’t have a vegetarian roller-skater as a lodger. And I long ago stopped sharing a house with men who like home-brewing and have lap-dancing-club loyalty cards.
If he was your roommate, you might have some right to complain, but this man owns the apartment. The only tiny bargaining tool you have is the rent, but it doesn’t sound like that would really be an issue for him. I’m not defending him – he does sound like a howling moron – but you chose to move in with him. Short of moving out, there is only the vague hope that he might get eaten by some wild beastie while building a mud hut. Next time, Miss Muffet, examine the tuffet a little more carefully before you unpack your curds and whey.
Dear Graham,
I am a three-times divorced 56-year-old woman with an unusually open attitude to men and dating. My last boyfriend was a 28-year-old Lebanese student who I met on the number 10 bus. It didn’t last, but it was very romantic all the same, and he still sends me wonderful handwritten letters from Tripoli where he lives. I am currently seeing a 35-year-old basketball player from Baltimore and the age gap isn’t an issue for either of us.
The problem is that it’s an issue for other people – friends, family, society at large. My friends don’t approve at all, my daughter finds me ‘embarrassing’ and people tend to stare at me and my new boyfriend in restaurants, especially if we hold hands or act smoochily.
If men can date younger women without raising eyebrows, why is it so appalling when things are the other way round?
Violet T, London
Dear Violet,
What’s the real problem here? Is the disapproval of others really that disturbing or is it more to do with your nagging fear that they might be right? One of the great joys of being alive is how mysterious the ways of love can be. But, Violet, I do feel that at the age of 56, with three unsuccessful marriages under your belt, you should perhaps have solved some of the mysteries.
Going out with young guys can be wonderful – the feel of young skin, the excitement of their virility. But I fear it will always end in humiliation. You know that no matter what he says or does, he is looking at the 25-year-old waitress. The reason it seems to work better when the sexes are reversed is that women have a different set of priorities to men.
Catherine Zeta-Jones can stay married to a tortoise because he is a multi-millionaire and father of her children, but people look on in horror when they catch sight of some young Lothario kissing a bag of prunes in a dress. I fear that, deep in our psyche, it is all about fertility. The sight of an older lady with a young buck breaks some rule of nature.
Please don’t think for one second that I am telling you to stop, but don’t expect other people to like it.
I imagine your friends and family are just worried for you and wary of problems further down the road if these relationships continue.
I hope you are finding happiness in all this unconventional dating but, to be honest, Violet, I find something heartbreaking in the phrase ‘wonderful handwritten letters from Tripoli’. You deserve so much more but I’m not sure you are going to find it in the places you are looking.
Dear Graham,
My boyfriend and I split up in October after a seven-year relationship but we still sleep together. We don’t go on dates or anything like that, nor do we cook each other dinner or even share a bottle of wine. We just meet up, usually very late on a Saturday or Sunday evening, and have sex.
Physically, we are very in tune with each other, but it’s always incredibly soul-destroying in the morning when he acts as if nothing happened and we go back to not being together. It always takes me a few days to pick myself up and banish the severe misery that engulfs me.
I guess I’m just clinging on, aren’t I? Is my secret hope that we rekindle things properly a foolish one?
Imogen C, Glos
Dear Imogen,
If you continue to give this man unconditional sex on a regular basis, not only is your hope of rekindling this relationship a foolish one, it is borderline psychotic. I understand how confusing it must be for you because in that moment he seems to be so full of love and desire for you, but the low value you are placing on yourself and your needs means that I doubt he is taking any of it seriously at all.
Right now you are a sexual 24-hour garage – you need to become an organic farmers’ market. If you really do want him back, withhold sex and not just for a month: let him wait six months to a year.
If he still wants you then, there is hope. If not, he will ha
ve moved on. Either way, you will have your answer.
Dear Graham,
After watching that Asian marriage broker on television [Aneela Rahman, Arrange Me a Marriage, BBC2], I’ve decided to be more open-minded about men in the hope that this year I can find a boyfriend. So, even though I’m an attractive 35-year-old, I’m no longer going to expect to land a tall, handsome man who can dance, drive, doesn’t snore, has a job and is under 50. I’m going to be open to all-comers and be non-judgemental.
But what do you think should I be looking for instead? Aneela talks about the importance of families getting on but, as half of my family don’t speak to one another, that’s just not an option. What in your view are the real deal-breakers?
Penny B, Bury St Edmunds
“The very best we can hope for from the people we choose to spend our lives with is that, when we are with them, we feel like a better version of ourselves, not an edited highlights package.”
Dear Penny,
I don’t know how long you’ve been single but you sound desperate enough to make a monumental mistake. Using phrases like ‘be less judgemental’ conjures up images of you writing to tattooed lovelies on Death Row. Friends who are in relationships often berate their single friends for being too fussy, but this is really just their way of urging you to be as unhappy as they are. Being with someone will always be about compromise but the trick is to learn when you have given away too much. The list you give means nothing. Meet the right man and you would throw it out the window – equally you don’t want to become too open. There is nothing very attractive about turning yourself into a fleshy version of Cinderella’s slipper by trying on a lot of men until you find the right one.
Ask Graham Page 8