Somehow standards have really slipped. She’s a fantastic cook but now buys everything ready-made from Waitrose, even though she has a pretty undemanding job. The irony is that I had to really fight to woo her – there were two other guys circling like piranhas.
I do still fancy – and love – her, but I’d like her to be the woman I married, not this lazy supersize-me version of her former self.
Simon D, Henley
Dear Simon,
I feel that as an impressionable boy you may have watched too many episodes of Dynasty. Helmet-hair and inch-thick lipgloss may be what you want 24/7, but in the real world women tend not to wear full make-up and diaphanous gowns in order to sniff the milk to see if it’s off.
I hope you realise that the power to change your situation lies with you, Simon. Book a table at a nice restaurant or organise a night out at a club and, hey presto – just like in the days of yore – the woman you married will scrub up nice. People only make an effort when they feel they have to and it sounds as if you have stopped providing your wife with any reason to shave her armpits, never mind clamber into 6in heels.
The problem probably stems from the start of the relationship – you had to work hard to win her and she was used to being wooed. Once you got together, I’m guessing you both breathed a large sigh of relief and stopped. It’s up to you to restart the romance and make some moments special.
Why don’t you surprise her with a romantic home-cooked meal? As clichéd as it sounds, buy her some expensive lingerie. The bottom line is that if you try so will she. Heartbreaking as it is, it’s about time you realised that Joan Collins is the exception not the rule.
Dear Graham,
My IT consultant boyfriend Lars is addicted to stock car racing. Every Saturday he races clapped-out old bangers in grim places like Skegness, dressed in a grubby black leather jacket and filthy Levis. At weekends, he’s never around for parties, dinners or just hanging out, because he’s always either stuck on the motorway or haring around on some godforsaken track. And when he’s not racing, he tinkers with his car.
I don’t want him to stop doing the things he loves, I’d just like to see more of him.
Rose S, Kent
Dear Rose,
You are dating an IT consultant called Lars who prefers stock car racing to spending time with you and now you expect me to care when it’s not working out? You don’t have a boyfriend, just mysterious grease spots on the furniture. Grow a backbone and make a few demands.
Nobody wants to be a nagging harridan, but nor do you have to be a doormat. Ask him if he’d be willing to spend one weekend a month with you. I suspect that faced with even this very reasonable request he will say no and dump you. But then is dating Lars that different from not dating him?
Dab a little petrol behind your ears and try again. Maybe this time you could aim for Formula One.
Dear Graham,
I’ve just got back from a hen weekend at a seaside holiday camp with 20 girlfriends. It’s not my thing at all, but I’m getting married in a month’s time and it was booked as a joke by my best friend. We dressed up as policewomen on the Friday night, in Seventies outfits on the Saturday and in pyjamas on the Sunday. It was shrieky, boozy, tacky, funny, outrageous – and I absolutely loved it.
The bad news is I drank one too many cocktails on the last night and ended up kissing a man dressed as a chicken. Even worse, I slept with him, right under the noses of the girls sharing my chalet. It was very much a one-night stand – and not something I’m proud of – but my stuck-up sister-in-law (who we had to invite) heard all about it.
I’m worried that she’ll say something to my fiancé or hold this trump card up her sleeve throughout my married life. Should I say something to her, or let sleeping dogs lie?
Rosie R, Kent
Dear Rosie,
When you watch movies, do you often find it difficult to know who is supposed to be the hero and who is the villain? Did you cheer for Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? Were you quite fond of Anthony Hopkins’ character in The Silence of the Lambs?
My point is that your sister-in-law is not the villain in this story. The person who comes out of it very badly is you. Thrilled as I am to learn that you enjoyed Butlins, I fear you took to it like a slutty duck to murky water. It’s one thing to walk down the aisle with something borrowed and blue, but do you really want to be trailing some big dark secret?
Forget about talking to your sister-in-law. The only person you should talk to is your future husband. Normally, I would never advocate confessing an infidelity, but in this instance too many people know. Somehow, somewhere, sometime he is going to find out. If you really do love him, then you need to control that situation.
I hope you fully understand the severity of what you’ve done because the only useful advice I can give you is that, when you confess to your beloved, you should probably try to sound a little sorrier than you did in your letter.
Dear Graham,
I went to a dinner party the other day and sat next to an amusing man who gave me a peck on the cheek and handed me his business card when he left at the end of the evening. What does that mean exactly? We are not in the same line of work, so it can’t be a business proposition. But, if he fancied me, why didn’t he just ask for my number, which I would have given willingly?
I’m now left in the maddening position of having to take the initiative (or not). It’s left me feeling very confused. My friends, the hosts, think he’s been out of the dating game so long he’s forgotten how to approach women (he’s divorced with two kids at prep school). But I’m inclined to be less generous. Is he simply lazy and a bit of a coward?
What do you think? Should I call him? And what on earth do I say?
Eliza C, London
Dear Eliza,
You have met a man you like and you have his number. That isn’t so bad a situation. Calling him doesn’t immediately turn you into one of those women who write to men on Death Row.
Not for a moment do I believe that giving you his card was lazy and, let’s face it, in that sort of situation we’re all a bit cowardly – you don’t want to call him, do you? So, imagine for a moment how he felt. Also, he is a divorced father of two. He was probably trying to be discreet rather than be seen as playing the scene like some fake-tan Lothario with a baby-blue Mercedes waiting outside.
I don’t think you’re confused. You’re just afraid because he has left the ball firmly in your court. The phone call can be as overt or as coy as you want to make it. You could say you’re going to be in the area around his office one day next week and would he like to grab lunch? Or you want to get a gift for the person who hosted the dinner party and does he have any ideas? You are planning a charity bike ride to Slough – would he like to sponsor you? Whatever. The point is the ball will be back on his side of the net and then you’ll get a clearer picture of where you stand.
A man likes you and is hoping against hope that you will call him. It’s a good thing, so stop deliberating and start dialling.
Dear Graham,
My husband retired recently and since then has become a total hypochondriac. The merest mention of the ‘C’ word sends him into paroxysms of anxiety. Rather embarrassingly, I recently received a call from a nurse at our local doctor’s surgery asking if I could have a quiet word with my husband. Apparently, he keeps booking in for appointments and wasting GPs’ valuable time.
He is absolutely convinced he’s ill despite all appearances to the contrary – he’s a very hale and hearty 66. Apart from the usual bouts of ‘man flu’ and one prostate problem in his forties, his experience of doctors and hospitals has been negligible.
He complains about all sorts of silly things – achy big toes, dry eyes, phantom rashes, waxy ears, blocked sinuses. He’s now muttering about ‘going private’ – which we can’t really afford – as he says the NHS doctors are clueless and far too busy, anyway, dealing with all those pregnant, unmarried mothers from sink estates.
/> Is there anything I could do to calm him down? Perhaps try to get him to channel his energy into some kind of new project? I don’t believe for a minute that he’s actually ill.
Juliet R, Derby
Dear Juliet,
Presuming that your husband is still alive by the time you read this, I think you already know the solution to your problem. Distract the old fool.
The trouble with the sort of minds that enjoy hypochondria is that, when you fill them with something else, they become equally boring and annoying about that. Get him interested in watching the birds in the garden and you’ll find him driving to remote parts of Scotland to buy a special seed. A new-found love of collecting stamps will mean your living room is out of bounds as he covers the floor with rare first editions.
When men retire, they can’t stop their heads needing that strange mix of preoccupation and anxiety. Being ill is merely your husband’s hobby and the trouble is that no hobby will ever tick all the boxes. What he really needs is a pay-cheque. I’m sure that, if someone paid your husband to have man flu for eight hours a day, he’d come home at the end of it and feel fine.
Your husband needs another job or therapy. By the way, if he is dead or seriously ill, I guess we were both wrong and please ignore all of the above.
Dear Graham,
I rent the flat above mine to a Frenchman who is a high-flying management consultant. Up until now, he has been the perfect tenant: quiet as a mouse, rarely at home and punctual with his rental payments. The problem is that he recently acquired an Italian girlfriend, who appears to be living with him. My bedroom is below theirs and their strenuous night-time – and early-morning – sessions either wake me up or prevent me from sleeping in the first place.
It’s all rather embarrassing. Is there a polite way of asking them to pipe down, without causing offence?
Percy W, London SW7
Dear Percy,
You want to talk to your tenant about the noise problem without causing embarrassment. He is French and his lover is Italian – the only person who will be in any way embarrassed is you. Don’t just stand on his doorstep coughing and shuffling, talking in riddles. Be direct and try not to whine.
Let’s hope they tone down their love-making, or at least do it at less anti-social times. If they don’t, I’m afraid you will just have to learn to live with it.
So many landlords want to take their tenants’ money but aren’t prepared to accept that people can’t live silently. Your Gallic Lothario didn’t rent the flat from you so that you’d have extra cash. He wanted somewhere to live, play his music and provoke his Italian lovely to shriek louder than any diva at La Scala.
If you want a really quiet neighbour, why not rent your property out to an al-Qaeda sleeper cell?
Dear Graham,
I’ve been trying to find a boyfriend online for months and whenever I browse profiles my divorced father keeps popping up (predictably he’s shaved 15 years off his actual age). I’ve no idea how long he’s been at it but he called me the other day to say that he’d met someone (off the net) and was engaged to be married – that’s right, not just dating but engaged!
My future stepmother is a Dublin-based widow with three university-age children. They’re getting married this autumn and I can’t help thinking that given the age gap – she’s 20 years younger and infinitely more attractive – she must be after his money.
I’m 39, permanently broke and agonisingly single, and cannot believe that my father is beating me to the altar and quite possibly cutting me out of my inheritance. It is quite the most shattering news I’ve heard in a long time. Am I pleased for him? Absolutely not – I’m furious!
Tell me how I can beat him at his own game and get myself up the aisle before him.
Fran L, London
Dear Fran,
Do me a favour. Please get up and go outside. Walk until you find a sign with your street name on it and if it says neither Coronation Street nor Albert Square then I would suggest that your response to your father’s upcoming nuptials is not very helpful or practical.
There is a great deal going on in your heart and head right now. But I think the only true emotion in your letter is when you tell me that you’re furious. Of course you are angry – your daddy is moving on. It’s not just his money that someone else will get – it’s his love.
The emotional dynamics of what is happening in your life at the moment are hugely complicated, but please try to understand that your father is not living his life in an attempt to antagonise you. Just as you were surfing the web looking for happiness, so was he. He’s found it. Dig deep and try to find some way to share his good fortune.
Trust me, Fran, there are lots of reasons to get married but doing it in order to score points against your father in some game he isn’t even playing is not one of them. I hope you find your Prince Charming but, in the meantime, buy a new dress and feign delight.
And let’s not be too quick to judge the Dublin widow – as far as she’s concerned, your father is only five years older than her (assuming he’s also lied about his age to her).
And while your dad might have some money, he also comes with a great deal of emotional baggage – and by that, of course, I mean you.
Dear Graham,
I think I may have fallen in love with my housemate. About a year ago, my spare room became free at the same time that she had to leave her flat, so she moved in. And that’s where my troubles started. Now I can’t stop thinking about her – to the extent that I had to break it off with the girl I was seeing.
I jump when she brushes past me and my voice goes up an octave when I try to have a normal conversation. The other day she came out of the bathroom wrapped in the skimpiest of towels and I was like a rabbit caught in headlights.
I long to tell her how I feel, but am afraid of what this will do to our friendship. Besides, she has a boyfriend (who I cannot stand). Should I risk everything and tell her I love her, or ask her to move out and banish myself forever to a monastery?
Tim W, Brighton
Dear Tim,
You seem to have worked yourself into a frenzy over very little. You love your flatmate. Great. We’ve all lived or worked with someone who was the innocent object of our adoration. If you do confess your feelings, you won’t need to tell her to pack her bags. The front door will have slammed shut before you utter the third of those three little words. Whether you like her boyfriend or not, she does still have one. She is not available.
I feel you have left out some details. Has she done anything to encourage your feelings? Is there any flirting as you scrape the burned toast together? For some reason, I suspect not. It sounds to me as if this is all about wanting what you can’t have.
Although moving to a monastery might be a marvellously romantic gesture, it isn’t really the answer. If the woman you want doesn’t love you, learn to love a woman who does want you. As a child I desperately wanted a chimp, but I learned to love my dog.
Dear Graham,
One of our best friends changes girlfriends as often as he changes his Porsche 911, despite the fact that his age – late forties – makes him almost an embarrassment in our circle of friends, all of whom are happily married. We are all a bit fed up with the succession of Kates, Emmas and Julias he wheels out at every social occasion, only to discard them months later. Although he claims to be looking for a wife, he never commits to any of his (usually younger) girlfriends.
Soon he’ll be 50 and we fear he won’t be quite such an enticing prospect to women when that day dawns. There’s something a little sad about an ageing management consultant hanging out in bars and nightclubs.
How can we help him get over his fear of commitment and settle down to marriage and parenthood, just like the rest of us?
Jim and Barbara S, Newbury
Soon, he’ll be 50 and we fear he won’t be quite such an enticing prospect to women.
Dear Jim and Barbara,
Maybe, just maybe, the reaso
n your friend is terrified of settling down is because he doesn’t want to turn into you. Did it ever cross either of your minds that, as he leaves your house with one of his walking sex toys, he wonders when his friends turned into such smug bores?
I know you are only trying to do what you think is best, but the point is that it’s best for you. If he settles down like the rest of you, then it validates the choices you have made. Life isn’t an exam where your friend may get marked down on his coursework. We all make choices and muddle through as best we can. He may say he wants a wife, but clearly he is still having too much fun.
If you still enjoy your friend’s company, then try to accept his lifestyle. And if you find that impossible, then maybe you’ll simply stop being such good friends. Again it’s just everyone making choices, not judgements.
I’m thrilled you are both so happy, but you have to accept that not everyone wants to buy a hatchback car.
Dear Graham,
I’ve just started going out with a fellow musician who’s unfortunately very chaotic and disorganised. We’re going to Paris in a couple of weeks, but the shame is we’re going to be travelling on separate trains. And it gets worse. I’ll be arriving the day before him and he’s catching the last train on the following day, so it looks like we’re barely going to coincide at all.
I feel terribly glum about traipsing around the Musée d’Orsay on my own, like one of those sad, rainy characters in an Anita Brookner novel.
I’m hoping to see him tonight but – again – it could be a case of me waiting for him all evening (he loses his mobile all the time). Or him perhaps thinking he’s meeting up with me tomorrow.
Any advice? I really like him. But going out with him sometimes feels worse than being single – at least when I’m unattached I can just schedule happy evenings alone with a box of Ferrero Rocher, or go to the movies solo (to see something he hates). How can I get him to be a bit more sorted?
Ask Graham Page 18