Luckily, she was at work – she’s a nurse and was on one of her early shifts – so I managed to clear up the mess and bury the remains in the back garden. I even said a sort of prayer under a tree, even though I’m not religious.
I can’t bring myself to tell my girlfriend that her cat is dead, knowing how upset she’ll be. She keeps ringing the Blue Cross and it breaks my heart to see her so upset.
What should I do? I’m in a right pickle.
Tim L, Tooting
Dear Tim,
What you should do is a crash course in a few science subjects at the Open University and then invent a time machine which you use to travel back to just before you killed your girlfriend’s cat. But this time you’ll look where you are going before reversing out of the drive.
Given that this is quite a tall order and you have already committed murder and then lied to your girlfriend, I don’t think ‘pickle’ quite covers it, do you? Unlike the car, there is no reversing the choices you made and the price you pay for your brief act of cowardice is the guilt you must carry for the rest of your life.
It might be a kind gesture to dig the corpse up and leave it in some neighbouring street so that at least your girlfriend knows for sure that kitty is never coming home.
On the plus side, at least it was only a cat. If your letter was about a dog, I would have tracked down your girlfriend and told her myself what you did.
Dear Graham,
You know how couples who’ve been together for years have usually worked out some kind of dance routine? As soon as the music starts up, they’ll hit the dance floor and blend in perfectly with a few nicely judged twirls and a bit of nifty footwork. Well, whenever my boyfriend and I dance together, it’s horrible.
I’d rather be doing a bit of snaky salsa, but he doesn’t feel comfortable with that at all. He only really comes to life when Eighties bands like Madness come on. What he likes is lots of grunting and jerky arm and leg movements. He gets really sweaty and hot. And if the dance floor’s crowded he often crashes into people, particularly if he’s had one too many.
I really envy other couples. Over the years things have become worse – not better. His latest trick is to dance in a semi-ironic way, pretending to be John Travolta and swinging his arms around. It’s not funny, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t say anything because whenever the dreaded ‘d-word’ comes up we usually have a row and go home on non-speaks. Needless to say, he has refused to take up dance lessons. He is 42. I am 34.
Rachel P, High Wickham
“Try to keep things in perspective. Michael Flatley can dance but would you really want to go out with him? I rest my case.”
Dear Rachel,
My only advice is to turn on your television and glance at one of the 24-hour news channels. If you don’t have a television, flick through any newspaper. Then do a little dance all by yourself, praising the heavens above that this is the biggest problem you have to worry about.
Your boyfriend can’t dance. So what? Can he play the piano? Can he sing a haunting version of ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’? If this is your only complaint about your partner, then you have come spectacularly close to finding the perfect one. Put down this book and kiss him and hug him. Having rows about his terrible dad-dancing is so foolish. Happiness is not easy to find so don’t throw it away on the dance floor.
Try to keep things in perspective. Michael Flatley can dance but would you really want to go out with him? I rest my case.
Dear Graham,
I’ve started seeing a guy who has a real perspiration problem. Within half an hour of having a shower and putting on deodorant, he really starts to smell.
It’s a real problem when we’re going out for the evening, especially if he has had to rush around to get there on time. (It’s also quite off-putting, travelling in the car or sharing a bed with him!) For some girls, the smell of manliness is quite a turn-on, but his strong body odour just makes me feel sick.
He has tried all sorts of products but I’m not sure how much more smell I can take. Am I being unfeeling and insensitive? And is there anything I can do to protect myself from the fumes?
Jenny M, Kent
Dear Jenny,
Even with swine flu gripping the nation, your boyfriend may suspect something if you show up sporting a bedazzled gas mask, and short of that I really don’t know what’s going to help. He stinks and can’t help it. You feel sick and can’t help it.
In fairness to you, it does sound as if this creature is sweatier and smellier than most men. Has he seen a doctor? It would be a pity to give up on the whole relationship just because a can of Right Guard let him down.
Even if there isn’t medication, perhaps you could do some research into other cures. Would changing his diet help? Should he exercise more? There must be other avenues you can explore before you finally have to throw in the stinking towel.
It is a great start that he knows he has a problem but that doesn’t really help you. We all have to put up with some unpleasant body odour – the waiter leaning across to clear a plate, the overcrowded lift, the person in front of you in a queue – but we don’t normally have to sleep with these people. I know I’m always bleating on to people about compromise and that no relationship is perfect, but even I must admit a girl has the right not to expect a swarm of flies hovering above her in her wedding pictures. I wish you a fragrant future.
Dear Graham,
For our summer holiday in August, we’re renting a gîte near Avignon with friends who have children the same age as ours. It’s the second year in a row we’re doing this, and the problem is our friends, though better off than us, are a little tight.
Last year, we found ourselves lumbered with a £400 bill for damage to the swimming-pool sun-loungers caused by both sets of children. We paid it in full when the agency contacted us, fully expecting our friends to cough up their half share, but to our surprise never received their cheque, despite gentle reminders. The holiday itself, though a great success in other ways, was peppered with small incidents where somehow it was always one of us who got our wallets out.
Is there any advice you could give us to ensure there’s a more equal share of costs? We don’t wish to make too much of this, but are anxious to avoid a repeat of last year’s scenario.
Helen and Hugo L, Glos
Dear Helen and Hugo,
Before I even start to address your tight friends, can we talk about your children? What sort of rabid monsters have you raised that can do £400 worth of damage to a set of sun-loungers? Did they eat them?
I can’t help but feel that your reluctance to discipline your children is somehow connected to your inability to confront your friends about the money. When it comes to bad debts, gentle reminders are not a very effective route to take, just as a few feeble ‘don’t do that, darling’s ended in poolside carnage.
I guarantee this holiday will not be a happy one if you arrive in Avignon with the anger and resentment of the missing £200 as part of your baggage. Be very clear with them. Say you were going through your travel details and realised that they had forgotten to pay their half of the bill and give them all your bank details.
If they don’t want to pay, for some reason, then they will have to tell you why and you can address that issue. Or they cough up and you can all move on.
You could introduce a kitty system, but that might drive you mad as you see the other mother using it to buy lipstick or a souvenir straw donkey.
It might be simpler to suggest that you take it in turns to be responsible for dinner, whether that be buying the groceries and cooking or taking everyone out to a local restaurant. This way people can spend as much or as little as they want, but at least it is shared.
Feel free to send me a postcard to thank me for this advice, but I fear any mention of ‘wish you were here’ will not be reciprocated. Bon voyage!
Dear Graham,
My 35-year-old (female) partner is desperate to have a baby and is considering donor
insemination with a friend. While I’m committed to my partner, I’m wondering what my role will be if she goes ahead. I’m not particularly maternal and it does worry me that I won’t be biologically connected to the child – will I even love it? Should I encourage her to pursue her dreams of motherhood anyway? Or should I pull out while I can and look for another partner?
Sam B, Hastings
Dear Sam,
I’m assuming that you are a woman and a lesbian, although you don’t actually specify. If I’m wrong and you are perhaps a man who lost his penis in a freak industrial accident, then forgive me, because this advice won’t be very relevant.
All the questions you pose are valid, but perhaps you should be asking your partner instead of me. Having a child is a huge responsibility and, if you think you aren’t going to be sticking around, then it probably is better to get out now before you leave a child with feelings of rejection and emotional scars.
If you decide you want to stay, then discuss what your role will be. As the live-in partner of the mother, I imagine you will be taking on a larger parenting responsibility than the sperm donor. Let’s face it, agreeing to produce a sample isn’t that big a commitment compared to the person hearing every cry and smelling every full nappy.
Parenthood isn’t something you can prepare for. You either have a child or you don’t, there is no in between. Just talk to your girlfriend because she should be talking to you about this, unless she is taking your silence as an implicit agreement. Speak now, or forever hold the piss-soaked nappies.
Dear Graham,
At the grand old age of 36, my girlfriend has developed a bit of a shoe fetish. She looks stunning in high heels, but she also makes me look like a midget, so on balance I’d rather she didn’t wear them when we go out together.
Barefoot she is a willowy 5ft 11in, but once she dons her Louboutins she towers over me. At 5ft 6in I’m told I’m roughly the same height as Napoleon but that’s not very cheering, is it? Whenever we go out I’m convinced blokes are eyeing her up and giving me funny pitying looks.
A mate of mine who finds the situation hilarious has suggested I follow Nicolas Sarkozy’s lead and buy stacked heels, but I can’t imagine anything worse. I’ve noticed that Carla Bruni tends to wear rather flat schoolmarm pumps when she’s at official functions with her husband. My girlfriend, though, refuses point blank to humour me.
I’d like to settle down – and so would she, as her biological clock has gone into overdrive in the last few months. But what man wants to marry a woman who makes him look ridiculous?
Mark PJ, Vauxhall
Dear Mark,
Grow up! The only reason you might look ridiculous is because that’s how you feel. When people see you with your Amazonian girlfriend, they are simply wondering if you are very rich, powerful, well endowed or a combination of all three.
Those looks that men give you aren’t ones of pity but rather of envy. They want your self-confidence even if you don’t seem to possess any. You are 5ft 6in, which doesn’t exactly qualify you to be the mayor of Munchkin land, but equally the chances of you falling in love with someone shorter than you aren’t high.
You love this girl and presumably you’d like your children to get out of the shallow end of the gene pool, so hurry up and marry her before she realises how much sky there is going to be in your wedding photographs. Perhaps you could have the ceremony on a mountain top where the slope might flatter the happy couple.
This is one of those situations where nothing is going to change, so you either need to accept it or move on. Remember most of your married life will be spent lying or sitting down. Oh and stacked heels are only acceptable at a Seventies fancy-dress party or if you are a nurse in a psychiatric hospital. Reach for the stars, Mark.
I’m told I’m the same height as Napoleon but that’s not very cheering, is it?
Dear Graham,
I gave up work six months ago to focus on my children and find that, now I’m no longer a working mother, I’m shunned by other working women. And it’s not just the women – it’s the men, too. At dinners, I’m treated as if my views are rather pathetic and out of date. Just because I spend the best part of my day at home, people assume I don’t have opinions worth listening to.
I’ve worked as a corporate lawyer for the best part of 15 years – I’m now 36 – so find it very galling to be dismissed routinely by friends. As a former high flyer, I don’t really fit into the non-working-mothers brigade either. I love my kids, but I’m never going to be baking cupcakes or stitching smock dresses late into the night. It just doesn’t interest me.
I realise I’m in a very privileged position as a woman who doesn’t have to go to work (my husband earns enough to pay for everything), but I feel socially isolated. And it feels as if my self-confidence is being chipped away by my peer group. Any advice would be very welcome.
Lorna S, east London
Dear Lorna,
You have made a choice and like every choice it comes with consequences. I’m afraid it comes back to the age-old debate about women wanting to have it all. The point is, nobody has it all. No man. No woman. If you go out to work, you earn money and a sense of self-worth, but you live with guilt about the amount of time spent away from your children. Equally, you have chosen to focus your life totally around your children – many people would be jealous – but spending your days with little people who can’t read or even use cutlery is bound to distance you from people who are spending all their time at the coalface of adulthood. I know this is a tough pill to swallow, but a part-time job might help, or even some volunteer work.
It’s amazing how defined we are by our occupation. Perhaps you are right in thinking that we shouldn’t be, but for the moment that is the way of the world. ‘What do you do?’ will always be in the top three questions we ask a stranger and their answer will set the course for how that relationship develops.
It’s interesting that you don’t want to fit into the role of traditional homemaker when that is precisely the one you have chosen. You don’t say how old your children are, but perhaps as they get older you will find life at home with them more rewarding. I do hope so. Otherwise, I really think you may need to rethink your original decision.
Dear Graham,
My southern Italian girlfriend is from the Julia Roberts school of hair removal. In other words, she waits until her armpits are sprouting small Amazonian rainforests before she gets out her razor. When things get really out of hand, it can feel as if I’m sharing my bed with another bloke. Is there a tactful way of asking her to depilate without offending her?
Giles P, London
PS She also has a bit of a moustache.
“No one wants to wake up feeling as if they’re sharing their bed with an extra from Gorillas in the Mist.”
Dear Giles,
Part of me wants to slap you for being so shallow, and yet I have to admit that I might feel the same way if I were in your position. No one wants to wake up feeling as if they’re sharing their bed with an extra from Gorillas in the Mist.
Since it’s present-giving time why not get your perfumed yeti a lovely day at some luxury spa, while ensuring that hair removal is part of the package?
Then, when your very own Sophia Loren comes home, make a huge fuss of her and bleat on about how much you love her smooth armpits and how much you enjoy kissing her without getting a beard rash. Hopefully, this will solve the problem. No matter what happens, the good news is that judging from your reaction to her jungle pits you’re definitely not gay. The bad news is that she might be.
Dear Graham,
My wife and I are at loggerheads over our son, who at 29 is showing every sign of being a classic ‘boomerang kid’. My view is that we should take a tough line and give him a deadline for moving out (and financial assistance should he require it) but my wife refuses to back me up on this.
Our son is much loved by us all, but has a very relaxed work ethic (short-lived spurts of freelance journ
alism). At home he is waited on hand and foot by my wife. A big house, free laundry and hot dinners on tap seem to have locked him into a state of eternal studentdom. I hasten to add that he has plenty of friends and is not in any way a social misfit – just rather unusually Mediterranean in his living arrangements.
I worry that if this situation continues we will be holding him back in life. By giving him free bed and board, are we stripping him of any ambition and drive? He is our youngest and I suspect my wife, who gave up work when our first child was born, is finding it hard to let go.
Any advice?
Christopher B, north London
The little darling is, in reality, a hulking man of almost 30.
Dear Christopher,
It is time to fly in the face of tradition and make a concerted effort to throw the baby out with the bath water. I think everything you say makes sense but now your wife must see the damage she is potentially doing your son.
Surely charging him a little rent wouldn’t be the end of the world? The little darling being pampered is, in reality, a hulking man of almost 30. Does he have any love interest in his life? I can’t imagine any partner would find his infantile lifestyle attractive.
Perhaps you could convince your wife that if he leaves home then it could lead to grandchildren, otherwise known as real children. I fear in the short term you will be very unpopular with your wife and son but take solace from the fact that they will thank you eventually.
It’s nearly Christmas and it’s time for a wise man to let the baby know that there is no room at the inn.
Dear Graham,
My widowed father-in-law is finding it increasingly hard to live on his own and, without consulting me, my (Greek Cypriot) husband has told him he can come and live with us from Christmas onwards.
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