by Casey Watson
This new routine, though, was a whole other ball game. This was medical and complex and stressful. I had to observe Sophia’s daily tablet taking, keep a track of her supplies, ring up for regular repeat prescriptions and collect them, and keep two emergency kits – one at home, and one for school trips and so on – to hand and ready for action at all times. Not such a huge amount really, but that wasn’t the point – it was just the enormity of the responsibility. I had honestly not realised until that very moment quite how serious a chronic disease like this could be.
I sighed heavily. Blow the long-term health implications for me – I was stressed and I really craved a cigarette.
I turned to Mike. ‘Could we stop at the next services?’ I asked him. ‘I need to pick up a few bits.’
‘And a cig?’ he said, grinning. ‘Course we can, love.’
We stopped at the next services – about an hour away from home – and all got out of the car. After such a long time in the car it was good to be able to stretch our legs, but Sophia, once she’d done so, climbed straight back in. ‘I don’t need to go in, do I?’ she wanted to know. ‘I’m tired. I think it’s the heat. Plus the stress of the journey.’
‘You go on, love,’ Mike said to me. ‘I’ll stay here with Sophia. Get your bits. See you back here in a bit.’
I bought the bread and milk I needed and ducked round to the corner of the building to the smoking area. I really must research this disease properly, I decided. I didn’t feel comfortable not knowing everything I could know about it. If I was going to be able to look after Sophia properly, then I needed to know when the wool was being pulled over my eyes.
I stubbed out my cigarette and walked back to the car, and the rest of the trip home passed without incident. Sophia, true to her word, seemed sleepy indeed. She didn’t stir for the rest of the journey.
Happily, for all concerned, the rest of the day went pretty well. When we got home Kieron had already arrived back from college, and their first meeting seemed a success all round. Sophia took to Kieron instantly, it seemed to me, and our evening meal felt as relaxed as it would have done usually, Sophia laughing and chatting and being generally very sweet.
But there was still something – a vague sense of unease I couldn’t shake. I’d definitely been rattled by the doctor’s revelations about Sophia having been known to fake symptoms, but not that shaken. After all, I’d spent almost all of the previous year with a much more obviously distressed and challenging child under my roof. I’d also had years of experience working with difficult children; it was almost in my blood to tease out what made these kids tick. But this one, I thought, was somehow different; more unfathomable. And so chameleon-like, it was frankly spooky.
Still, I thought, waking slowly and strangely serenely on Thursday morning, another day, another chance to get to know Sophia better, another opportunity to make a difference to the world. But my serenity didn’t last long. ‘Damn!’ I thought, seeing the alarm clock beside the bed. Nine o’clock and I’d only just woken up!
I’d have to get my act together, I thought grimly, as I threw off the duvet and registered that, once again, Mike seemed to have forgotten to switch the heating on. But no bad thing, perhaps, to be driven from my bed. This time next week we’d be back in the thick of a new school term. I had to snap myself out of this post-Christmas languor, and fast.
I dragged my dressing gown around me and hurtled downstairs, fully expecting to be greeted by the sight of my young charge, looking fed up and abandoned, in the kitchen. Or worse, waiting to take her tablets – it had to be in my sight, of course, and she knew that – and going rapidly downhill even as I slept.
But I needn’t have stressed. A quick glance around confirmed she wasn’t downstairs, and another back upstairs – for I was now, of course, going to have to be hyper-vigilant – confirmed that she was still sleeping soundly.
Time, then, to relax for a short while in the conservatory, with my own company, the paper, a sneaky cigarette or two and my sheaf of Addison’s disease information pamphlets. Pausing only to flick the heating switch and grab a mug of coffee, I opened the back door and went out into the conservatory.
But I’d not been in there two minutes when Bob trotted in, tail going nine to the dozen, closely followed by footsteps, which I assumed must be Kieron’s. Bob slept on his bed every night, so it made sense. But then he spoke and it wasn’t a he. It was Sophia.
‘Wow, it’s so cold in here!’ she observed, not inaccurately. I was pretty cold myself. After all, it was January. And this was a conservatory.
‘It’ll warm up soon,’ I said, turning round to greet her properly. ‘I just put the heating back on, so –’
I stopped and gaped then, on seeing her, pretty much lost for words. She’d come down in what’s generally described as ‘baby doll’ pyjamas. But there was nothing doll-like about them, and certainly nothing babyish, either. They were not only very short and frilly, and fashioned from scarlet nylon, they were also very, very transparent.
‘Good Lord!’ I said. ‘No wonder you’re cold, dressed like that! Haven’t you got anything more suitable to put on?’
‘What d’you mean?’ she asked, innocently, looking down at the wisps of material. ‘It’s a nightie. All my nighties are like this.’
‘Then we’ll need to get you some new ones. Do you at least have a dressing gown?’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t wear them. Anyway, what’s wrong with this? Jean lets me wear these.’
I put my stash of leaflets down and stood up to return to the kitchen. It was making me feel cold just looking at her. ‘Sweetie,’ I said, ‘quite apart from the fact that you’ll catch your death, there are no men at Jean’s house, are there? But here …’ I thought instantly of the rapport she’d struck up with Kieron, and how he might react, faced with such a sight. He wouldn’t know where to look. He’d be mortified. ‘Well, it’s just not appropriate, love, okay? Though, I have to say –’ I couldn’t help voice what I was thinking. After all, the child was 12. ‘I’m surprised she let you wear those sort of nightclothes, in any case.’
Sophia stuck her lip out. ‘Well she did.’
Best, perhaps, I thought, to let this go for now. She was bound to be sensitive about Jean, after all. ‘Well, we’ll see what we can find when we go shopping.’
‘We’re going shopping?’
‘Yes,’ I said, heading back into the kitchen. ‘This morning. With my daughter Riley. And my grandson, little Levi. You’ll love him,’ I assured her. ‘He’s gorgeous.’
‘A baby?’ She brightened instantly. ‘Oh, I love babies! How old is he?’
Baby talk, I thought. Never failed to come in useful.
If the idea of Levi had put such a smile on Sophia’s face, actually meeting him in the flesh would, I knew, have her squealing with delight.
I was biased, obviously, but my little grandson was just lovely. Born the previous October, he was now just beginning to recognise faces, and delighted everyone with his broad toothless smile. It had been a shock, Riley starting a family so young, not least to her, I think – but she and her partner David had been together for a couple of years now, and they were a really solid couple. They were also turning out to be wonderfully relaxed, natural parents; Riley was obviously really cut out to be a mum.
And me a nanna, even though when they’d first told us, it had taken Mike and me a few days to adjust to the idea of becoming grandparents at the youthful age of 40 and 41 respectively. In our heads we were still just young newlyweds ourselves!
Little Levi couldn’t have come at a better time, either, as it was just before we had to say farewell to Justin, our last foster child, which had been a wrench and a half, to say the least.
I smiled as rustled up some scrambled eggs for us both, and Sophia took her tablets. She had two different pills to take in the mornings, then further doses of one of them twice more during the day. I smiled at her as I watched her carefully re-close the bottles. It would be
nice to have another youngster in the family mix again. Whatever the travails ahead, I was sure I could handle them. Underneath all the outward behavioural oddities, this was just another child who needed some stability and love, after all.
‘And Mike’s going to pop out and get some picture hooks on his way home from work,’ I told her, as she tucked into her eggs. ‘So he can put up all your paintings in your room for you.’
She pulled a bit of a face. ‘I don’t know why Jean bought all those canvases for me, to be honest,’ she said. ‘I just pointed to one I liked when we were out shopping one day, and next thing she, like, started this whole collection for me.’
I had wondered about them myself, as had Mike. It did seem an odd thing for a 12-year-old to have her own art collection. And even though they were prints, and not originals, this was an art collection, there was no doubt about that. They were all by the same artist, and clearly of some quality. I’d initially wondered if they’d come from her mother’s home. But apparently not. Sophia had seen the first one when she and Jean had been on a trip to London, and Jean had bought it for her right away. ‘And she got the rest of them by mail order,’ Sophia explained. ‘I think the woman who painted them used to send them herself.’
‘Well, it was nice of Jean to do that for you, wasn’t it?’ I said.
‘I s’pose,’ she agreed. ‘But Jean was pretty easy like that. I could get anything I wanted from her, basically.’
Again, I was brought up short by her words. What an inappropriate thing to say to another adult! I could imagine kids in a playground making comments like this, but here? To me? Another foster carer? I smiled anyway. ‘Is that right?’ I said. ‘Hmm. Well, I think you’ll find I’m not quite such an easy touch. I value my money too much, I’m afraid!’
This didn’t seem to faze her. Quite the contrary, in fact. ‘Ah, yeah,’ she said, polishing off her last mouthful of toast. ‘But I happen to know how much allowance foster carers get for kids, and it’s only fair it gets spent on us, isn’t it?’
Astonishing. Just astonishing. ‘Hmm,’ I said again, ‘well, I don’t know what you’ve heard – and I’m surprised people have even talked to you about this, to be honest – but believe me, that allowance is not there as pocket money, to be spent on anything and everything a child wants. It’s to care for you, Sophia. To pay for your keep, plus things like outings and holidays, and clothes – speaking of which, we’d better get our skates on. Riley’ll be here with Levi any minute.’
Sophia stood up and took her plate over to the sink, looking completely unconcerned. I nodded towards the hall. ‘Go on, scoot upstairs and get yourself dressed and ready, okay? Oh, and don’t forget to make your bed!’ I called after her.
My God, I thought, as I poured hot water onto the few bits of crockery. That girl really knew how to push buttons. Sounded like she had Jean wrapped right around her little finger – and didn’t seem to care who knew it, either. It was going to be a learning curve for Sophia, living with us, I thought wryly.
But, as I’d find out, it would be an even bigger one for me.
Chapter 5
Levi was beginning to recognise faces now, and it was wonderful to see the big grin he gave me when I swooped towards the pram and lifted him up. Grandchildren, I decided, should be available on the NHS.
‘How’s my little man, then?’ I asked him. ‘As gorgeous as ever? You want a coffee, love?’ I asked Riley. ‘Sophia’s still upstairs getting ready, so we’ve got time.’
Riley nodded, and went to flick the switch on the kettle. She then nodded towards the hallway. ‘How’s it going?’ she whispered. ‘What’s she like?’
I raised my eyebrows a touch. ‘You’ll see!’ I whispered.
As if on cue, Sophia clattered down the stairs, and came into the kitchen smiling, but looking (well, as far as I could tell on our few days’ acquaintance) uncharacteristically shy around Riley. Which was interesting. Riley had a big, big personality, but she definitely wasn’t the intimidating type. Not unless she needed to be, anyway. In fact, where my and Mike’s fostering was concerned, she was a godsend. She really cared about what we were doing, and wanted to help wherever she could. In fact, she was already talking about doing fostering herself, once Levi was a little bit older. She smiled broadly.
‘Hi! You must be Sophie, then,’ she said brightly. ‘Nice to meet you!’
‘Sophia,’ she corrected. ‘My name is Sophia. Not Sophie, okay? Just so you know.’ There was a sudden flash of anger in her eyes.
Riley nodded slightly, but didn’t otherwise react. Even though I knew she’d seen it too, bless her. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ she said nicely. ‘I must have heard wrong. Anyway, this little man here is my Levi. D’you want to give him a cuddle?’
The flash subsided just as quickly as it had appeared. And just as she’d intimated to me earlier, Sophia seemed very keen, holding her arms out as I handed him over, and now cooing, ‘Look at you! You’re so sweet! Oh, and look at your beautiful black curls!’ She turned to Riley. ‘He obviously gets his hair from you and your mum!’
Which was true. We all of us had thick, raven locks. ‘You wait till you hear him scream,’ Riley laughed. ‘He gets that from Mum too!’
‘Hey, you!’ I chided. ‘Anyway, let’s do this coffee. Time’s getting on and we need to head out.’
‘Casey,’ said Sophia. ‘Is it okay to put down the baby? I still need to finish getting ready.’
‘Oh,’ I said. ‘I thought you were ready already.’
‘Er, not quite,’ she said, already leaving the kitchen. ‘I still have to do my hair.’
‘She looked pretty ready to me,’ Riley said, once Sophia had run back upstairs.
‘Me too,’ I agreed, puzzled. ‘Oh, well.’
‘So, what’s the lowdown, then?’ Riley asked. ‘How’s things going? She seems sweet enough.’
‘Yes, she is. Well, at least intermittently. But there’s a whole lot going on underneath the surface, obviously. Been a pretty grim time for her, these last couple of years.’ I told Riley about the incident with the nightwear and what had happened at the hospital. ‘I’m not quite sure I have a handle on her yet, to be honest. She seems to swing from mood to mood without any real warning. But, as I say, when you think about her background … well, there are bound to be challenges ahead, aren’t there? Still, she seems to have taken to you, anyway.’
Riley nodded. ‘Well, to Levi, at any rate. Actually …’ She lowered her voice. ‘I did notice she kept looking at me when she thought I couldn’t see. And rather strangely, too. You know? Kind of assessing?’
‘I know what you mean,’ I said. ‘I’ve felt that too. It’s like she has a mask in place most of the time. And it’s only when she lets it slip that you get a glimpse of what’s going on beneath. I’m sure she’s built a very big strong wall to protect herself …’ I handed her her coffee. ‘But I’ll get there.’
‘Well,’ said Riley, ‘if anyone can, you can, Mum, I’m sure!’
‘I appreciate your confidence,’ I said drily.
And speaking of masks, it was a full fifteen minutes before Sophia returned, and when she did we were both open mouthed in shock. She had changed, in that time, out of all recognition. Gone were the perfectly appropriate jogging bottoms and hoodie she’d been wearing, and gone also was the perfectly neat and brushed hair. Instead, she’d curled the latter to within an inch of its life, and changed into skinny jeans and a tight black vest top. But it was her face which was the most arresting thing about her. She had plastered it in make-up; really trowelled it on. Dark foundation, dark lipstick, a swathe of eye shadow, thick mascara – she looked more like an 18-year-old, headed for a night on the town, than a 12-year-old girl going shopping.
It was Riley who found her voice first. ‘Goodness, you look very glamorous!’ she observed diplomatically. ‘But it’s freezing outside. You’ll catch your death! You want to go upstairs and put something thicker over that?’
‘I’ve got
a jacket,’ Sophia responded. ‘I’ll be fine.’
‘Sweetheart, isn’t that rather a lot of make-up to be wearing?’ I added gently. ‘You know, they won’t allow you to wear it like that at your new school next week, don’t you?’
‘That’s fine,’ she said airily. ‘I just like to make an effort.’ She turned to Riley then and smiled sweetly. ‘Don’t you wear make-up, Riley?’
If it was intended as a barb, it was a sharp one. But Riley didn’t flinch. ‘Not much, during the day,’ she said mildly. ‘I do when I go out, but when it’s light, in the daytime, I prefer to keep it looking natural. I could show you some tricks of the trade, if you like.’
Bless her, I thought. She was doing the same as I was. Remembering that this wasn’t a peer, just a young girl, in the midst of an appalling situation. But one with strong opinions, too. ‘That’s okay,’ she said. ‘But I like it like this, thanks.’
Upon which I think we both decided the best course of action was to draw a line under any more discussion of Sophia’s eyeliner. ‘Come on,’ I said, pretty much at the same instant Riley did. ‘Let’s head to town and do our girlie shopping.’
Twenty minutes later we’d made it into town and hit the shops, and to a passer-by we probably looked like a perfectly normal family gathering, except I couldn’t shake off the feeling that had been stalking me since Sophia’s arrival – that I had to be on guard, be alert, keep an eye trained on her all the time. Not physically – she was too old for me to worry about her running off and getting into scrapes – but just this vague nervousness, like she was this unknown quantity you had to keep checking on. It was her smile, I think. The fact that it never reached her eyes. As if it was stuck on, and could be whipped off in an instant.