by A. D. Ellis
“Nate, I think we should both take a step back from this and see if it’s what we really want. What we truly need. We should date other people. We should travel, alone. We should be friends, at least for Nicky.”
Chapter 85
Nate
I helped Libby learn to stand up for herself and come out of the shadows and now it’s going to kick me in the balls. I’ve never been so proud of someone yet as completely gutted as I am right now. Libby is leaving me. We can be friends. What the fuck? She is my best friend, but I can’t be just friends with the woman I am madly in love with. I can’t be just friends with the girl I want to kiss and hold and bury myself in. I won’t. I will fight this. I will bring her back to me. But, she’s right, maybe she does need to get to know Libby before she comes back to Libby and Nate. I’ll let her go. I won’t be happy about it, but I’ll let her go. That way, I’ll know if, no WHEN, she comes back to me, it’s because she truly belongs to me.
“Ok, Libby, I’ll give you time and space. I’ll be your friend. For now. I’ll try to be patient. But, I won’t let you go forever. I will stay in your heart, in your life. You say I own your heart; I’ll let you borrow it back for a while, but it belongs to me now and I won’t part with it for long. You won’t be able to move on from me. You can try, but I’m yours and you can’t get rid of me. I’d like for us to at least be on friendly terms for Nicky. But, rest assured, every time I see you, my thoughts won’t be friendly; I’ll be thinking of what’s under those clothes of yours. I’ll be thinking of what it feels like to be buried deep inside of you. I’ll be thinking about the proud, strong, confident woman I’ve watched come out of her shell and I’ve fallen in love with. And, just so you know, you can date all you want, but I won’t be dating. I’ll be watching you. I’ll be loving you. I’ll be waiting. For you. For you to find yourself. For you to remember how right we are together. I love you Libby-girl.”
As if we both know this is a last kiss, at least for a while, we cling to each other. I pour my soul into the kiss, searing her lips with mine. It’s the most bittersweet moment I’ve ever had. This kiss proves to me that she loves me, but it’s also goodbye. At least for now. I understand why it has to be good-bye for now. But I don’t like it one bit.
Chapter 86
Nicky
I don’t think our plan worked. Yesterday, when Miss Elizabeth came out of the basement, I could tell she had been crying. Then Nate came out and he had been crying too. Miss Elizabeth told me today at the center that she’s taking a vacation to go on a cruise. She said that means she will ride on a big boat. She will be gone from the center for a week. I’m sad. I thought she and Nate would fix things so I could have her as my friend and sister. And she could give Nate babies.
Chapter 87
Libby
I was always too scared to travel by myself. Audrey had always made me feel like I was inept and couldn’t handle making the plans or getting to the right place at the right time. I know now that I AM able to travel on my own. I absolutely loved my week-long cruise. I felt strong and proud that I made the travel arrangements by myself. I got myself to the airport and on the right plane by myself. I hate that I wasted all this time not traveling because I let Audrey make me believe that I couldn’t do it. But, I’m so proud of myself for doing it now. I loved every bit of my time away. The food, the entertainment, the crystal clear water, the time to rest and relax and reflect. I’m scared about being without Nate, but I know I need to do this. I feel deep in my heart that Nate and I will find our way back to each other, I’m just not sure when or how. I am determined to date a little so that I can find out if I fell for Nate because he was Nate or just because he was ready and willing. If I fall for someone else in the same way, I’ll know a couple things. One, I’ll know that what Nate and I had wasn’t as special as I thought it was. Two, I’ll know I need to keep going to therapy because I fall for guys who show interest way too easily.
Anyway, my week away was a total refresher for my body and mind, but now I’m back to work, and I’m happy to be here. I have a ton of work to catch up on, but I feel so right when I’m here with my students, coworkers, and books. I’m eating lunch when Scott Donovan, our automotive technology teacher, walks in to the lounge. Scott is about my age I’m guessing. I know he plays basketball with Nathan sometimes. He’s taller than me, but not as tall as Nate. He has shaggy brown hair that’s longer around his ears and neck. On anyone else, it would look unkempt, but on Scott it looks ok. Scott looks to be in good shape. He’s what I’d call husky, but he’s built too. I hate to keep comparing to Nate, but Scott is just about as opposite of Nate as you can get. He’s got fair skin and his cheeks are always a little rosy. His eyes are a pretty hazel with little gold flecks and lashes to die for. Scott had talked to me when I first started working at the center. Looking back on it, I’m guessing he was showing interest in me, but I was so far removed from all of that then that I didn’t even realize he may have been flirting with me. Then I got involved with Nate and there was no one else.
“Hey there, Miss Elizabeth, how’s it going? You have a good vacation?” Scott asks as he grabs his lunch and sits down at the table with me. I love that he always seems jovial. It matches his ruddy cheeks.
“My vacation was fabulous, Mr. Scott. Thanks for asking. Have you ever been on a cruise? It was very relaxing and gave me exactly the time away that I needed to do some thinking.”
“Did that thinking time have to do with Nate Morgan? I don’t mean to be nosey, but I play basketball with him sometimes. I know you two had been dating, but I got the feeling that maybe you were on the outs when I played ball with him last week.” Scott’s normally rosy cheeks are full on red now, and I feel bad that he’s so embarrassed.
“Yes, Nate and I are not together at the present time. We had a rough start and then some silly misunderstandings led to us taking a step back to reevaluate things.” I noticed I didn’t say that Nate and I were totally over. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to say that. While I ponder that, I find myself thinking about Nate as Scott is talking. He obviously didn’t care about my word usage, he was continuing on. I mentally scolded myself and forced my mind to pay attention to what he was saying.
“Well, Miss Elizabeth, I’ll understand if it’s too soon, and I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want, but I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me sometime? We could do dinner and movie?”
Oh my. This is what I wanted. Wasn’t it? I wanted to try dating someone other than Nate. Scott was a total sweetie, and I could tell he was really nervous asking me out. I should do this just to get a first date after Nate over with. Is it bad that I was thinking of just getting it over with? Where were those butterflies in my stomach that I always felt with Nate? Would it be unfair to Scott to date him when I obviously am not ready to be done with Nate? All of this runs through my head in the 10 seconds of dead air before I smile at Scott and say, “That would be nice. How about tomorrow night?”
Scott gives me a cherubic smile and says, “I’ll pick you up at 6:00pm. Is that ok?”
I agree and Scott and I spend the rest of lunch talking about things at work. As we walk out of the lounge, I see Nicky. I smile and wave at him and he approaches Scott and me. Scott touches my shoulder and says, “I’ll see you tomorrow night at 6:00, Miss Elizabeth. Be thinking about where you want to go eat. I’ve got to get back to the auto shop, we’ve got an engine to rebuild!” I smile at how excited Scott seems about rebuilding that engine. We are lucky to have someone so knowledgeable and enthusiastic working with our students.
Nicky looks at me and then watches Scott walk away. “Miss Elizabeth, why is Mr. Scott going to see you tomorrow night? You won’t be at the center at night, it’s closed. Why does he want to know what you want to eat?” Nicky’s brows are furrowed as he tries to figure this scenario out.
“Nicky, Mr. Scott asked me out on a date. We are going to watch a movie and eat dinner.” I try to say it gently yet in a wa
y that Nicky can understand.
Nicky is NOT happy. His brows furrow even more. “But, Miss Elizabeth, what about Nate? I don’t think he’d like you going on a date with Mr. Scott. You’re supposed to marry Nate and give him babies.”
“Oh, Nicky, you know that Nate isn’t my boyfriend any more. I’m not saying that we won’t ever date again, but, for right now, I can date other people, and I choose to date Mr. Scott.” It hurts my heart to see Nicky so confused and upset, but this is real life, and I can’t lie to him just to protect him.
Nicky frowns and shakes his head before walking away. Something tells me that Nicky won’t give up on this. He’s very determined when he wants to be.
Chapter 88
Nate
Shit. Nicky and I are eating pizza and playing video games and something is wrong. I could tell something was bothering Nick, but I knew that I needed to let him tell me what the problem is on his own time. Eventually, Nick blurted out, “Miss Elizabeth is going on a date with Mr. Scott and it’s all your fault. I feel mad at you, Nate.”
Shit. Again. Nicky is confused and hurt and mad. And another shit. Libby is going on a date. With Scott Donovan. I don’t have a problem with the guy, he’s a good guy. Boyish and little too excited about automotive technology, but he’s a solid guy. Damn it. Why couldn’t she go out with a douchebag so I could hate him? No, no, I don’t want her dating a jerk. I just don’t want her dating a good guy. He will treat her well and push me out of her life. Wait, I don’t want her dating a good guy? Why wouldn’t I? I want her treated well. But, bottom line, I don’t want her dating anyone but me. I don’t want anyone treating her well except me.
Fuck! I need to talk this out with Nicky first then I need to work through it in my own mind. I need a nice long run, but I’ve got to fix this with Nick before that.
“Nicky, listen bud, I know you’re upset with me and with the fact that Libby and I aren’t dating right now. I’m upset about that too. Really upset. I know that I messed things up, and I feel really bad about it. I made a big mistake, and I’m having to suffer the consequences of my choices. Those consequences suck big time, Nick. I know that not having Libby around hurts you about as much as it hurts me, and I’m sorry about that.”
Nick hung his head and his eyes were full of tears. “Nate, I miss her. I liked when you guys were together. I thought she was going to be my sister and give us babies. Why does she want to go on a date with Mr. Scott when you still love her. Doesn’t she love you anymore?”
God, this sucked! I took a deep breath and tried to explain this to Nick as I also tried to wrap my head around it. “Nick, I want that more than anything, and I’m going to keep fighting for her.” At the look of confusion and unsureness on Nick’s face I had to clarify that I didn’t mean I was going to FIGHT, but I was going to keep trying to get Libby to come back to me. “I hurt Libby when I didn’t trust her. She has to be on her own for a while right now. We might not like it, but for now, we have to just be there for her as her friends. We have to show her that we are here for her so that, when she learns enough about herself to realize what she wants, we will be here waiting. At some point, we may have to realize that all we’re going to get is friendship. But, for now, I believe that Libby still loves me and that she will eventually realize that. We just have to give her some time.”
Nick wasn’t happy with this explanation. Hell, neither was I. But, just like me, he accepted it for now. I drove Nick back to my parents’ house then headed over to the school for a run. I noticed that the lights in the gym were on. A little basketball may be better than a run. It would at least be warmer. And, lucky or unlucky depending on how you look at it, Scott Donovan was playing tonight. Game on, man.
Chapter 89
Libby
I saw Nate this morning at the hobby shop when I stopped in for some decorative paper so my students could make bookmarks. Those butterflies that I kept hoping would take flight when I was talking to Scott swarmed in my belly as soon as I saw Nate behind the counter. His blue eyes looked directly at me and his smile curled my toes. I remembered his words about what he’d be thinking about me each time he saw me and how it definitely wouldn’t be friendly thoughts and the butterflies whipped into a frenzy. This was ridiculous! I just needed some paper, and I could certainly handle speaking to Nate as a friend would.
“Hi, Nate. Just need some paper today. We’re making bookmarks in class. How are you?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I know he noticed how it wavered.
“Hi there, Libby-girl. Sounds like a fun project. I bet Nicky will want to make more than one; he won’t be able to decide which design to use. I’m good, thanks for asking.” Nate replied with a warm smile, and I noticed that he still addressed me with his special term of endearment. I longed to throw my arms around him. No, I had a date tonight! I was dating and moving on from Nate. I owed it to myself to move on from Nate.
Nate shuffled around a bit and rubbed his hand on the back of his neck as if he had something more he wanted to say. “What’s wrong Nate? You seem nervous.” I wondered what in the world he could be nervous about.
“Well, Libby, I think I need to tell you something. I don’t want you finding out about it from anyone else. I may have talked to Scott Donovan last night after basketball.”
Oh. No. He. Didn’t!!!
I tried to swallow my anger and my worry about what this talk entailed. “Nate, what did you do?”
“Don’t worry, Lib, I didn’t use my fists or even threats. Scott is a good guy, and I’m learning from my past behavior. I just told him that I didn’t think things between you and I were over and that I wanted him to know that I wasn’t just going to let you go. I swear I wasn’t threatening, but I did tell him that he better treat you well, or I would find out and then I wouldn’t be such a nice guy.” Nate at least had the decency to appear a little sheepish as he finished telling me what he said to Scott.
“Nate, I really wish you hadn’t done that. I have to date. I have to find out if I can feel for someone else the way I felt for you. I have to live a little as Elizabeth before I can consider being your Libby again. Please don’t talk to Scott like that again.” I tried to appear angry as I paid for my paper and left but, deep down, I felt a strange satisfaction that Nate was still fighting for me. But that satisfaction was pushed aside when I thought of dating Scott when I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. I didn’t want to lead Scott on, but he seemed safe to try out this dating thing.
After work that day, I was exhausted. The bookmarks were a huge hit with the students, but it was tiring to get them all made. Nate was spot on about Nicky, he had asked to make 3 because he couldn’t decide which paper to use. He was in my last class of the day, so I allowed him to make extra. His smile and hug were totally worth it. Honestly, I really just wanted to go home and cuddle up with a book, but I had a date. Sadly, I wasn’t all that excited about this date. I called Audrey to talk it over with her.
“No, Beth, I won’t come over and help you pick out an outfit because I’m not in support of this date. You need to be with Nate. I know he hurt you, but it was a misunderstanding and you love him. You can learn who you are while you’re WITH Nate. You don’t need to date around. That’s just not you. And, Scott Donovan? He’s a nice guy, but he’s totally not your type. Your eyes don’t sparkle and your cheeks don’t flush when you talk about Scott the way they do when you talk about Nate. That’s present tense, Beth. Your eyes sparkle and your cheeks flush EVEN NOW when you talk about Nate. You want to know why you aren’t excited about this date? It’s because you still love Nate. You can’t get excited about Scott because Nate is always on your mind. So, big sister, pick out your own outfit and put on a fake smile and get ready to be miserable all night until you finally admit that you need to be with Nate.”
Ugh, Audrey was right. She wasn’t even mean about it. She was just honest, and it killed me to admit it. I love Nate. I never stopped. Should I call and cancel on Scott? Ugh, it’s 5:30, no, I can�
�t call 30 minutes before a date and cancel on someone I’m going to have to see on a daily basis. But, I couldn’t lead him on. I’d need to tell him tonight. I decided on a nicer pair of jeans, boots, and a sweater. I brushed through my hair and touched up my makeup.
Scott pulled up right at 6:00. I glanced out my window and felt a stab of heartache when I saw his gray and blue Mustang GT. My heart wanted to see a red Jeep pulling up. My phone chimed indicating a text as I grabbed my purse to head out the door.
NATE: Hey Libby-girl. I’m sorry I talked to Scott. If he makes you happy then I won’t interfere again. But, I will keep fighting for you. Have a nice evening. When he kisses you, think of me. Think of my lips on yours. Think of my hands on you. If you can’t think of me while he’s kissing you, maybe he’s better for you. But, if I pop into your mind when another guy is kissing you, maybe it’s me you should be kissing. Oh, and just know that I want to punch my fist through his face if he DOES kiss you, but I will keep my anger in check. Good night, Libby. I love you.
Dang it! Nate, you can’t send me things like that as I’m walking out the door on a date! I quickly text back: