by A. D. Ellis
Josie
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha
My heart hurt. Hurt for the child I would never have. Watching my new family and friends as parents was touching, but it also brought to the forefront of my mind that I would never have that. My heart also hurt for the man I considered my best friend. I knew he was struggling and I didn’t know how to help him; I didn’t even know if he wanted help. My heart hurt when I watched the love between the couples who were in our home that night. I had a terrible relationship with my parents and a completely fucked up marriage in my past; I didn’t have faith in love and marriage. But, watching those couples, a little spark of faith lit inside of me and gave me hope. That’s when the hurt came in. I didn’t have anyone to share that love with; the one man who I could possibly consider loving was my best friend, but he had shut himself down to love. So, for various reasons, my heart just hurt that night.
As I climbed the stairs to clean up my studio, I heard music coming from Kyle’s studio office. I sat down outside of his door and leaned against the wall. Five songs played while I listened and I learned that Kyle’s taste in music was as eclectic as he was. An old Firehouse song, something from the Eagles, a great one from Steve Earle, Something to Believe In by Poison, and Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash all played while I sat immobile in the hallway and thought about the man inside that studio. He was my friend. He couldn’t be more. He didn’t want to be more. As another song came on, Hurt by Johnny Cash, I realized two things. Kyle was a Cash fan, and he was hurting even more than I had originally thought. The haunting lyrics and music floated on the air as tears ran down my cheeks. I would push aside any personal feelings for this man and simply be his friend; the break in his voice as he sang along with this song broke my heart and sealed my decision. He needed me, and I would be there for him.
I stood from my seated position and rapped on his door. “Come in, Jose.” His voice was raw and tight. I hesitated. Maybe he didn’t want me around.
Poking my head into the room I smiled at him. I took in his mussed hair and the sadness in his eyes. “Want to come downstairs and talk?” I knew that I would have to be the first to share if I expected him to ever open up. I would sacrifice and tell this humiliating story if it meant giving him the opening to tell his own story. I watched as he started to deny my request, but then he took a deep breath and nodded. “I’ll be down in a bit.”
In the kitchen I prepared the margarita mix that Audrey had brought over as a house warming gift along with a tiny bottle of tequila. It was just a two serving packet and the bottle had just enough for the two servings which was good because I had never consumed alcohol before, and I didn’t need to get shit-faced before Kyle and I got to talk.
As I heard him coming down the stairs I headed into the living room. “Margarita?” I showed him the two glasses I held, and he smiled ruefully.
“Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll probably need one to get through this.” He took a drink from the glass I handed him and breathed deeply after a swallow. “That’s good. I don’t drink much, but you made that perfectly, Jo.”
“Well, I’ll say thanks even though all I did was follow the directions.” I took a drink as well. Kyle laughed at my curled up nose.
“Not a fan of tequila, huh? Take a few more sips if you want to get used to it. If not, don’t force it. You’re not a drinker are you?” He cocked his head to the side and studied me as I took a couple more sips. I don’t think I’d ever call a margarita my drink of choice, but after about four sips it wasn’t as terrible as the first taste.
“No, this is the first alcohol I’ve ever had.” I shook my head almost unbelievably at the statement I just made. “It’s not that I never wanted to try it, it was just frowned upon, and I never wanted to push the edge of the proverbial envelope, so I just never tried it.” He waited patiently as if he knew I planned on telling him more.
I took a deep breath. “This is going to be hard. I don’t want to tell you about my past and then have you think poorly of me for not being strong enough to break free earlier.” I watched as he settled onto the chaise lounge part of our new sofa and patted the spot next to him. I sat with my back leaning into his chest and shoulder, my feet stretched out onto the sofa part while he stretched his out onto the chaise section.
“Jo, you don’t have to tell me anything, but I’m here to listen if you want to talk.” He leaned in and kissed my head. I took strength from that gesture as I also tried to ignore it and the pang of longing it sent through my gut.
“No, I’m ready. The longer I keep it inside, the harder it gets to tell. I should have just told people when I first arrived, but I was embarrassed. After I tell you, I’ll share with the rest of the family slowly. Maybe I’ll tell the girls and they can pass the information along, so I don’t have to retell it over and over. But, I’m tired of hiding behind it.” I paused as I gathered my thoughts. I knew in my heart that I would have a sit-down with Uncle Robert and share my story with him before I told anyone else; he had taken me in as if I was his own child and I owed it to him to let him know what had brought me to Torey Hope.
“My parents didn’t want me, they never planned on having children. It was too late to abort me when they found out my mother was pregnant, so they were stuck with me. They were high up in society and in the business world, an adoption could have caused scandal because they had so much to offer a child, at least to the thinking of the public, so they kept me but hated me.” I cuddled into the soft new sofa and continued my story. I spoke of my upbringing with nannies and boarding school and no friends and parents who voiced their disappointment at every chance they got. During my story, Kyle reached his left hand for my right and held my hand as I went on.
His thumb stroked mine when I spoke of the arranged marriage. His breathing quickened when I told of the horrendous sexual relations with Wayne. He growled low in his throat when I mentioned the other women in Wayne’s bed. His breathing almost stopped completely when I spoke of not being able to have children. By the time I got to the time Wayne hit me, Kyle had stood up and was pacing the floor.
“So, I had been planning a way to leave, and I had finally just had enough, so I put my plan into action. That’s how I ended up here in Torey Hope at Uncle Robert’s house. Finding out that my father had a brother was my saving grace because it brought me here to family and friends.” I startled when Kyle dropped to his knees in front of me and took my hands.
“Josie, thank you for telling me your story. I’m so very sorry you went through that. You deserve so much more. You are a very special person and your parents and Wayne are pieces of shit who were too dumb to notice what a gift they had in you.” He climbed back onto the couch and pulled me closer to him. “Now, what about Wayne. Did he sign the divorce papers? Do you think he’ll search for you?”
“Well, I just heard from my lawyer that Wayne signed the papers easily and just last week married again. So, I’m free of that hassle. But, I’m not sure about your other question. I don’t know what he would gain by searching for me. He has a new wife; I don’t know what he’d want with me. But, I wouldn’t put it past him to cause problems just because he can.” I had been overwhelmed with relief when my lawyer told me about Wayne signing the papers. I was disgusted by Wayne remarrying so quickly, but I knew he felt he had an image to uphold. I laughed out loud when the lawyer told me Wayne had released a statement saying that I had succumbed to a mental illness and had requested he divorce me and move on. Whatever he needed to tell the public was fine by me; the important thing was that I was no longer his wife.
I felt my face warming as the alcohol really hit my system. I was glad there had only been enough for the two servings I fixed because my brain was just hazy enough that I knew I would probably slurp down another glass if one was available. As it was, I was grateful for the looseness the drink had on my words. I had told Kyle my whole story and gotten through it with no probl
ems. He didn’t judge me or think badly of me. I should have done it sooner.
I turned on the couch to face him; not wanting to pressure him, I waited for a moment to see if he was going to speak. I took the last drink from my glass as I gave him time.
After draining his own glass, he placed it on the coffee table and took a deep breath. “Josie, what I’m going to tell you serves two purposes. The first will explain why I’m so sad and haunted and why I came here. The second will hopefully help you understand how I can be so drawn to you but unable to act upon it.” My heartbeat picked up at that statement. Was he telling me he felt the same for me as I was starting to realize I felt for him? But, if he did feel that way, he was telling me why he couldn’t feel that way.
“I met Izzy in second grade. She was my first and only love. We were inseparable from that moment on. We married a few years after high school. A couple years after that we decided we’d try to have a baby. Five years later there was still no baby.” He paused long enough for me to reach for his hand; it was meant to be a comforting gesture, but the heat between us felt anything but comforting. He absentmindedly stroked my thumb.
“We were exhausted from the stress of not being able to have a baby. We had just decided to take a little break. I made love to her that day, just because, not in hopes of making a baby; just because I loved her and wanted to hold her close to me. I went to her record store to open it up for her, and she headed to the doctor’s office; I was meeting her there. When I arrived, she wasn’t there. I got a phone call from her cell, but it wasn’t her. It was a police officer; she had been in a wreck on the way to the appointment. At the hospital they showed me to her room; I sat with her for hours, but I knew from the moment I took her hand that she was gone. I had to tell them to turn the machines off. I held her hand and told her to go on without me. In a cruel twist of fate, she had been pregnant. The baby was lost of course. So, my wife and child died in a car accident and my life ended that day.” He paused in his story to gather his thoughts and calm his emotions. Tears streamed down my face, and I covered my mouth to hide the sobs which threatened to erupt.
“I promised Izzy on that day that I would go on without her, I’d keep breathing, but I’d never be able to truly live.” A sob hiccupped out of me; this man, my best friend was hurting so much, and I ached watching him in pain. My arms longed to wrap around him, but my heart battled with my brain if that was the right move to make at this point.
“Josie, at first I thought that what we had was just friendship. I didn’t even suspect anything more. But over the time we’ve spent together, I realize I’m attracted to you. In my head and in my heart I know Izzy would want me to move along. But I can’t let go of the guilt I feel every time I think about trying to love someone else. I know I could love you, you are so perfect for me; but it’s not fair of me to ask you to be with me when I can’t give you my whole heart. I really shouldn’t have drained that margarita because I’m saying a whole lot more than I wanted to say tonight. I’m sitting here thinking about that pencil-dick husband of yours acting like the bad sex was your fault. There’s no way you’d be bad at sex; you’re too passionate about life. Hell, Jose, you cried when you saw our house. I wish things were different, and I could show you what it would be like to have sex with a man who could actually appreciate your body and give you the pleasure you deserve.” I stopped breathing as Kyle spoke these words.
Not knowing what to say to his words, I spoke as if he’d not mentioned sex with me. “Tell me more about Izzy. What did she look like?” I had a strange mix of jealousy and admiration for this woman I’d never meet; I envied the time she got to spend with Kyle in a way that I would never experience. He pulled up his photo album on his phone and handed it to me. Staring back at me from the screen was a beautiful woman with huge violet eyes and almost red lips but she wasn’t wearing lipstick. Her dark hair was styled in a short messy look with chunks of pink, purple, and green. Her eyes were laughing and I saw that she was the perfect match for Kyle. “She’s beautiful, Kyle. She looks like she was truly your other half.”
“She was. She was a little rebel; I called her Izzy-bel. She called me Punk Boy from the first moment she met me and it stuck. We were like yin and yang; we just fit and complemented each other perfectly.” His eyes got a faraway look in them, and I knew he was recalling his sweet Izzy.
“Would she and I have gotten along?” I didn’t know why I asked that. It’s not as if I could compete with his wife, dead or alive, but I was curious.
His laugh shook his chest. “Yes, I think she would have loved you. She would have seen your broken spirit and wouldn’t have stopped until she unearthed the real you. She was spunky, my Izzy. It’s strange how you remind me of her in some ways yet the two of you are completely opposite in other ways. Yeah, you two would have been friends.” He smiled at the thought.
“Kyle, I’m really sleepy. I think that margarita hit me harder than I realized. I think I should head to bed.” I needed to remove myself from the situation before I acted on the words he had said earlier. He couldn’t love me; he didn’t want to love me. The longing I felt to have his body close to mine would have to be tempered because nothing was going to happen. I needed to learn how to put distance between us to fight these new and quickly-growing feelings.
I headed to my room and changed into my pajamas. The short shorts and tank were not warm enough to wear around the house in the winter, but under my big blankets they would be just fine. I heard Kyle leave our shared bathroom, and I went in to brush my teeth. I felt strange about our talk tonight. On one hand, it was so good to have our pasts out there and no longer hiding. On the other hand, it hurt to know what he’d gone through and that he would never be available to me. I understood his concern about never being able to love me completely because his heart would always belong to Izzy. But that didn’t make the feelings I had for him go away; well, they’d have to go away. We shared a house, he was my best friend. I’d have to just get over it. My heart hurt at that moment; hurt for him and hurt for me. It was like I watched a dream-come-true float away and crash a fiery death; a dream I didn’t even know I held onto, a dream that I had barely had time to embrace, and then it was gone.
I jumped as Kyle entered the bathroom. “Oh, sorry, Jo. I thought you were done.” I spit and rinsed, reaching around him to put my toothbrush away.
“I’m done now. Thanks for talking to me tonight, Kyle. I’m really sorry for your loss. Even though we ended up here because of shitty things happening, I’m really glad we ended up here together.” Possibly in my best judgment or against my better judgment (my heart and brain were battling on this again), I reached to hug him and closed my eyes as his arms closed around me. I felt his heartbeat against my cheek. In the mirror I saw his chin on top of my head. The tattoos on his arms were beautiful against my pale skin. I’d seen him without his shirt on before but the tattoos on his stomach which disappeared below his waistband were almost more than I could handle. I began to pull away so that I could go be breathless in the privacy of my own room. But I made the mistake of looking up into Kyle’s eyes; those endlessly deep, endlessly sad, dark brown eyes. I saw guilt and anger flash before the heat lit up.
“Fuck, Jo, this is a really bad move on my part and I’ll regret it in the morning, but I’m being a selfish prick tonight.” With his words, he tipped my chin up and feathered a kiss across my lips. As my breath caught, he captured my lips with his and deepened the kiss. Never had I been kissed in that way. I could barely breathe from the way my heart was pounding; my body felt like it was on fire. He drew my bottom lip into his mouth and brushed his tongue along it. As I whimpered into his mouth, he plunged his tongue deep into mine. Then, just as abruptly as he started, he stopped. With ragged breath he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against mine, “Josie, know that I will never regret kissing you. I only regret that I can’t take things further with you; you deserve love and not just sex. Sex is all I’d be able to give you.” He
hugged me to him again, “I’m sorry, Jo.”
I was left in the bathroom, lips tingly and swollen, eyes sparkling, and chest heaving. A thought began to grow in my head. If I decided to act upon it, I’d have to do some convincing, but I had the beginnings of a plan. I also had an art project I needed to get started on.
Kyle
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
What the hell are you doing you jackass!?!? Do you really think you can just kiss that beautiful, innocent girl and then leave her just standing there? You need to get your head out of your ass, Punk Boy. I’m dead, I’m gone. You’re not hurting me to move on with someone else. I mean, if she was a bitch or a slut I may kick your ass, but Josie is absolutely perfect. I honestly think she’s more perfect for you than I was. There’s such a passion in her. She needs you Kyle. Don’t miss a good thing just because you’re feeling guilty about me.
I sat bolt-right-up in bed, sweating and breathing hard. “Izzy?!” I frantically looked around the room. I swear she had just been there, talking to me. I padded silently to the kitchen for a drink of water as I shook off the dream I’d just had. It had been so real, I felt as if she was right there with me. I could hear her voice exactly the way I remembered it, it was if I could almost smell her and feel her there. That was the first time I’d dreamed of her in a while; I’d never dreamed of her talking to me.