I am going to marry that man on Tuesday and we will never be apart. We were never meant to be apart. I cook a sweet and sour stir-fry while admiring the ring on my finger. I can’t help but wonder if my dad would have been happy for us? I know he loved Rowan, but would he have wanted Rowan for me?
The food is cooked and I can’t switch my mind off, Rowan has been in the office forever and I know he will be that torn broken confused monster when comes out. I hate that he feels like he wants to hide his desire to be a murderer from me, it’s not like I didn’t know from day one that’s what he did for a living. I need to make him stop this shit. I need him to be Rowan, all of Rowan for fucks sake’s. I think I know how to turn him back into the man I fell for. I open the office door to find him slumped behind his desk his back to it and the door, scotch in hand. I knew it. Broken.
“Rowan what are you doing?” His eyes meet mine as he spins his chair around. I have never broken the sanctity of his office, ever, this is his space. I can’t tell if he is mad or confused but he just sits there frozen at my total disregard for the unspoken agreement about this space. “I asked you what you are doing Rowan. Please tell me.” I raise my voice a little and he looks confused and hurt at the way I have spoken to him.
“I don’t know Lauri”, his voice isn’t hard like usual and his Irish lilt is thick. “I do Rowan, you are sitting in here trying to be someone that you are not. You are trying not to be Rowan the murderer. Well guess what. You. Are. A. Murderer. I want you to listen to me right now Rowan or so help me God I will take off my ring and walk away from you. I told you I loved all of you. All of you Rowan. And I fucking meant it. This bullshit that you have going on is going to stop today. I cannot love half of you Rowan and half is missing right now and I want it back. For fucks sake go and kill someone. Any fucking one! You need to find yourself in there because I trust you Rowan I trust you to make sure that this baby in me is not weak, sheltered or victimized because of what we are but that you will teach them how to be what you are so they don’t become currency in our sick world. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME ROWAN.” I am screaming at him now, poking him in his chest and the tears that stain my face are angry tears I didn’t realize how much of that I was keeping a lid on. Rowan’s eyes are wide, it’s like he didn’t know I had a monster in me too. He set it free and I will be damned if I try keep it hidden any longer. “Go and do some work.” I don’t give him time to answer me I have too much burning in me. All I need is the look in his eyes to know I have fixed the giant cracks that were causing him to fall apart at the seams. I leave him there and go eat my dinner alone in the kitchen. I hear the door to the garage opening and I know I have finally got Rowan back. My Rowan, the monster and the lover.
ROWAN
“Is it possible to feel so much, that you never know what kind of human you are? If you are filled with monsters or love or pain or chaos? I do not really know what to make of who I am, but I am waiting nearly bursting for someone who can.”
~ Christopher Poindexter
I am not quite sure what just happened. Lauri stormed into my office something she has never done before, then she yelled at me and told me she was angry that I was trying not to be a murderer and that I better go kill someone or she is walking away. I haven’t had enough scotch for this. Her words are cutting me into my soul, something came unhinged in her. I have been trying so hard to squash my need I failed to see that she needed that side of me too. I felt such guilt after my visit at Robin that I didn’t know what else to do so I started shutting down. I should have spoken to her. She is scared and I am making it worse because if I am not me I cannot keep her and our baby safe. I feel like an asshole right now. I am definitely too sober to even try and comprehend her yelling at me, poking me in the chest and telling me not only to go commit murder but if I don’t she will leave. I actually believe her the way the anger poured out of her.
I empty my scotch down my throat savouring the burn, grab my bag and stalk out to my car to go do a job I have been putting off. I don’t go back and speak to her; my actions will speak to her louder than any words that will come out of my stupid mouth right now. I need to just be me. A monster. A bad man. A murderer. I can be a bad man and be a good husband and father. I have to be both. That little heart beat that I heard today is all I need to set things straight, if I am not me my baby could become her. She wants our baby to like me. I feel a hard tug in my chest at the thought of what that means; I will place a gun in my child’s hands and teach them to pull the trigger without feeling anything. I will make my baby into a cold hearted killer, but I will also teach them how to love someone. I swallow hard, turn my music to deafening and drive out of the estate gates.
The drive to the city seems to take forever today. I am starting to feel like I should have talked to her before I left, but I couldn’t. My phone buzzes for an incoming text, reckless me picks it up to check. My heart beats a little faster when I see Lauri’s number across my iPhone screen.
I’m sorry I yelled. I love you Rowan. Dinner is in the fridge.
She is sorry? Fuck I am so glad she stormed in there and yelled some sense into my fucking head. I don’t know what I have been trying to prove or to whom, but it was a piss poor idea. I think I was convinced if the numbers stopped or at least got less she would actually consider my proposal. I didn’t count on her threatening to take back her yes answer less than twenty four hours later because I wasn’t killing people for a living anymore. Woman are confusing, wish someone had explained that to me better a long ass time ago.
I’m in Camps Bay now, where the rich live and holiday in the cape this is the “it” place, where “it” all happens. It’s full of young, rich assholes mostly. My work order is a young hot shot who owes Callum a lot of money for his recreational pharmaceuticals, a party animal living off daddy’s money and doing it large. However it seems that daddy dearest has cut said idiot son off because of his wayward behaviour. Callum has sent them a few messages that he wants paid. Daddy dearest said no, now sonny boy dies and he pays anyway because while I am busy here his pretty little high school daughter is being picked up for a stay in a shitty hotel. I watch him showboating with his friends at the local watering hole, drinking cocktails. What self-respecting man drinks cocktails? Beer or scotch those are the only two acceptable man drinks. If it has fruit in it, you are either gay or a girl.
I park my car along the beachfront and grab my bag taking a walk up the few blocks to his fancy pants apartment on the cliff. It’s all white and shiny and fake, I switch off the lights and sit and wait for him to come home. I like this quiet time. When I get to see who my victim is why they are in the situation where they are going to die. This boy owes Callum nearly two million Rand. That’s a lot of money to sniff smoke and swallow; drugs make you stupid and poor. And most often dead. I wait for a long time, I get my head in the right space I need this. I need to spill blood to watch the lights go out in his eyes I need to set myself free again. I need to be in control of everything just for a short while; I desperately need the power I get from killing someone. Anyone would have done tonight.
I hear the door unlocking around 11pm, I can see his silhouette and the poor hanger on girl who he has with him. I speak loudly as he closes the door behind them. “Send the girl home and have a seat. Don’t do anything stupid, I will kill her too if you do. Princesses just go, now. Leave your cell phone on the table and don’t be stupid, leave. I will be gone before you can even scream for help.” She is frozen on the spot and I can tell she isn’t going to leave, for the fucking love of God. I get up and shove pretty boy down on the couch and grab his Barbie doll around her arm making bruises in her fake tanned skin, pulling her into the guest loo and locking it from the outside. Someone will find her eventually she won’t be able identify me it’s too dark in here anyways.
“Let’s have a little chat you and me.” I wave my gun in his face now. “Do you have Callum’s money?” I give the guy a fight
ing chance. He shakes his head too afraid to speak to me. “I thought so. We will get it from daddy then.” I see him shake his head again staring at the floor. He knows that his father has cut of his unending supply of cash. “We have your sister; he will pay us no matter what. He seems to actually love her.”
I cable tie his hands and feet so he cannot run, he struggles against me a little but he is piss drunk and piss weak. I want to hear him scream so I don’t bother taping his mouth shut. No one is listening but me, oh and his Barbie Doll in the toilet over there. He doesn’t fight or kick or panic anymore, he knows exactly how this is going to end. He knew the second I spoke this was over he has been running from and dodging Callum for too long it had to catch him eventually.
I fetch my favourite knife from my bag, I need this tonight. Bloody and dirty and messy and raw, I stab him in the thigh first. He screams like a little girl making me smile when I see the red stain seeping into his designer jeans my pulse quickens. His eyes are filled with terror, but terror is still alive. I am only just beginning boy, I stab into the soft flesh of his side just below his ribs making sure I hit his organs good and proper. He screeches again and then it’s gone, the fight the life in his eyes is going and he begs me quietly to just kill him, so I do. I deliver two deep stabs of my knife right between his ribs into his heart. The blood pools on his white sterile floor and I step over it to get my bag. I can hear the muffled sobs of the girl in the bathroom I bet she thinks I am going to kill her. I only kill the people that I get paid to kill no extras. It’s the only way to stop me from killing anyone I meet all the time. That’s how I control it; it has to be a job.
I dial Callum from my car; he is quick to answer as always. “Rowan. Is the job done? Did you send someone?” We had a major fight about this job earlier I said I would send someone else to do it. “It’s done. I did it, I am working again Callum.” The line is silent I know he is there but he doesn’t know what to say. He has tried to help me the last few months tried to understand what I was doing. But deep down he knew it was eating me alive. “Thank you Rowan.” Is all I get before he hangs up? Things are strained between us lately I know he is in some kind of trouble but he insists on denying it and carrying on business as usual. I know him too well for that shit to fly with me and I keep calling him out on it. Today he threw it in my face and called me on my shit. Funny that, him and her all in one day. Maybe they are in cahoots?
Now I want to go home to Lauri, I still cannot believe she will be my wife. Murdering that young fool has restored my balance, fixed me I am not on a knife edge anymore. Next fucking Tuesday I am getting married, to a good woman something I swore all my life would never happen and I am going to be a dad. I saw my baby today, I am not as broken as I think, and I think I am finally whole.
I send Robin a message so he knows I will be coming over tomorrow. My chest burns at the thought of his needle carving a new number into my heart and I feel the satisfaction and stillness I need.
I shower in my old room when I get home, I don’t want to take the blood and filth of my job into our room. The hot water is washing day off me when I feel her arms slip around me from behind and her naked body presses again mine. “Welcome back Rowan. I missed you.” She says her lips pressed into my back, soft and sweet and all fucking mine. Her voice is dripping with desire, lust and want. She is turned on by the fact I just killed someone and that is hot. She loves me, all of me, she understands that this is me and she wants me. The good with the bad, but accepts that the bad will never ever leave.
I love her. And fuck me if I don’t love our baby too.
For the second time today I take her hard. I lift her sweet painted body up and fuck her sorry against she shower wall. She screams my name and claws at my skin. Everything is perfect for once in my life I have it all, nothing is missing.
LAURI
“All I ever wanted, since the bones in me began to grow, is to know love, and for love, too, to know me.”
~Christopher Poindexter
Last Tuesday I married a monster a bad man, a man who makes no excuses for whom or what he is. I love him, I love the monster and more than I care to admit it I love the murderer. Rowan’s dark side is a part of him, he tried to let it go and it nearly ripped him and us apart. I will never let him make a choice between who he is and us ever again, I will love all of him as long as I live. Just the way I promised him standing in our vineyard in front of our two friends. Callum didn’t show up to our wedding, I know it hurt Rowan deeply, I was absolutely livid with him and no one will spill the shit on why he wasn’t there or what’s going on with him so I know it cannot be good at all.
We didn’t go away on a honeymoon, Rowan was not keen on me traveling while pregnant and I have to admit I am quite happy to just be us here at home together. While I sit here working on The Café menu for the next two weeks I look over at the vineyards and think about how things have changed. How I have come alive, how I am married. A real marriage this time, no vengeance or abuse, no penance to be paid just love. I am pretty sure my Dad knows I am finally happy now but I am almost sure if he could come back and kill Rowan he would.
I try and concentrate on the work in front of me and getting it done but my mind is on other things so I stop to open the post that I picked up from the estate offices earlier. It’s all the usual stuff, accounts, junk mail and invoices for the café. I open an envelope in the middle of the pile that’s addressed to me personally. I don’t realize the name it’s addressed to at first just start reading. I don’t get far before I am heaving and it’s not the baby causing it. My throat is closing and my eyes are filling with blood I know it before it takes me away.
Panic. He knows…. He found me.
I come to a while later I know that no one found me. Rowan is working in Bloemfontein today he won’t be home until tomorrow night. I lift myself up off the floor slowly and turn the envelope over and sure as all fucking hell it’s addressed to me, but not this me. It’s addressed to Mrs Ellia Baldini. I hadn’t even noticed the words; my brain didn’t pick it up when I read it the first time.
The letter itself is quite simple it is typed on white stock paper.
Ellia,
I know you are not dead. I know you are with him. I know you married him. A murderer like your father, did I teach you nothing Little One? I want to remind you that you are mine and I will take what is mine. Be careful Little One.
Renzo
I don’t know what to do? I cannot exactly go to the police. “My husband is murderer who saved me from my ex who was a crazy man that tortured me because my father was an international hit man for the Irish mob.” Yeah even here that would get me locked in the nut house. If I tell Rowan he will try to kill Renzo and I have no doubt that he will be exposed and either killed or arrested when he did. Renzo is too careful for that, I need a way to bide my time and find a way to fix this. I call the only other criminal I know, Callum.
He doesn’t answer my call and his phone is making that irritating ring sound it does when you leave the country. I give up and hide the letter in my handbag. There is no way can Renzo get to me here anyway. Our security is top notch and Rowan is here most of the time. My heart stops at the thought of what may happen if he knew I was pregnant. I wonder if he does know. I try Callum once more before I send him a rude text; I’m about done with his shit.
Callum. I fucking need you. I don’t care a shit that you missed the wedding but I swear to God I am losing patience. I fucking need you. You are the only family I have and I fucking need you right now. Call me you asshole.
I feel a bit bad for lashing out at him but it’s too late I hit send already and I am panicked and hormonal and afraid.
I get up and go have a shower to try distracting myself from the simmering sense of dread and fear creeping its way into me. I don’t want to feel the things Renzo make me feel I am not his I am mine, I am Rowan’s. I see the red light on my phone fla
shing when I eventually get out the shower and it’s a text from Callum I am relieved, so he isn’t dead that’s a start.
Lauri, I am so sorry I am not there and that I missed your wedding. I had to leave in a hurry. I am home in Ireland. My Pop is gone, I was needed here and I was a risk there. I cannot help you, talk to Rowan. You cannot tell anyone you know where I am. Please. I am so sorry.
I delete his message immediately I know better than to keep it and my stomach sinks further. My world is crumbling around me and now I am bringing another generation into this fucking mess. I am not sure if I want to anymore.
Colour My Ugly Page 25