by Jim Cangany
She could get too sick to be able to get better. Just great.
Everything checked out, so we trudged toward the infusion area. Staci was seated in a corner and was waving her arm at us like she was lost at sea and we were a rescue plane. She was sporting a black sock cap with a red NC logo on it and a smile full of bright, white teeth. Her skin looked a little ashen, though.
"About time you got here, Annie. I saved you a seat."
Annie gave Staci a hug and kiss on the cheek before settling into the seat next to her. "Nice hat, girl. What's NC?"
"North Central High School. I'm a freshman there." She removed the hat to reveal a completely bald head. "Like my new 'do?"
"I think I'm going to be matching you soon." Annie pulled on her hair and dangled a few strands in front of her.
"Ooh, I could sell those on EBay." Staci made a grab for them, but Annie flicked them at me before Staci could get her hands on them.
"You don't want them now that they're contaminated with E.J. cooties." They both giggled while I brushed the hairs to the floor with as much dignity as I could muster.
Nurse Therese arrived with Annie's chemo bag and got her treatment going while the girls got caught up. Most of the kids at Staci's school were supportive, but a few had taunted her with names like Cue Ball and Benson, a round-headed character from the Cartoon Network's animated series The Regular Show.
"I think you look beautiful," Annie said. She turned to me. "You don't have to stick around. I'll text you when I'm finished and you can pick me up then, yes?"
With Annie settled in, I exchanged high fives with both of the ladies and headed out to run a few errands. I'd knocked a few things off my to-do list when my phone buzzed. By the time I returned, Annie was in the reception area studying a brochure of some sort.
"Interesting reading?"
"Hardly." She sighed and stood. "Wigs. Shall we?"
We were almost home when Annie turned the radio off. "I'm going to see if Randi's available this weekend to come over."
"Sure, we could order a couple of pizzas and hang out. I'm sure—"
"I'm going to ask her to help me cut my hair off." She reached up and pulled a few more strands out. "I can't stand the thought of shedding like a dog."
I didn't know how to respond, so I kept my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road.
"I don't want a wig, though. And it's not like I need to maintain an appearance at the office." She let out an uneven laugh.
We pulled into the garage, the engine sputtering before growing silent. I put my hand on Annie's arm. "If you want, I could, you know..." I ran my hand through my hair and made a buzzing sound. "As a support kind of thing."
Annie stared at me, a half smile on her lips. She caressed my cheek. "You'd do that for me?"
I shrugged. "Yeah."
"Of course you would. But it's not necessary."
"You sure? I don't mind."
"I'm sure. One baldy in the house will be enough. Besides, even bald, I'm sure I'll look gorgeous. You, on the other hand..." She closed her eyes and shuddered. "The thought of you bald makes me more nauseous than the chemo."
With a peck on the cheek, she was out of the car and in the condo before I could fire off something in my defense.
The following afternoon, a smiling Miranda and a fidgety Ryan were at the door when I answered the bell. Annie was just waking from a nap on the couch. Miranda made a bee line for her, pausing only to give me a quick hug. Ryan stepped inside just enough to close the door behind him.
"So, um, Miranda thought you and me could go get a beer or something while they hang out."
I glanced at my fiancé and her best friend. Annie waved us away with a flick of her wrist.
"Go. You deserve to get away for a while. But we want you back by seven with a couple of pies from Bazbeaux."
I turned to Ryan. He was busy inspecting his fingernails. At that moment, it hit me just how little we knew each other. While Annie and Miranda had become as close as a couple on a tandem bike, Ryan and I got along well, but were hardly buddies. I got my coat and followed Ryan to his Honda Insight.
It wasn't until we got in the car and the engine was running that Ryan spoke again.
"So, uh, what sounds good?"
If I'd been on my own, I would've headed for Cycles Forever, and hung out at the bike shop with Paul and Dave. Ryan wasn't into cycling, so that was out. We couldn't very well go to the Bike Co-op either. Gloria had given me a key after she heard the news and told me to come by whenever I needed a little alone time. I couldn't see Ryan sorting tires with me.
"How about a beer?"
Ryan nodded while his grip on the steering wheel loosened a touch. "Sure, where to?"
We ended up at Dooley Flynn's, a pub that was a favorite of my friends with the Hurling Club. While it was a comfortable, family-friendly place, it was a little off the beaten path. That's what I was looking for though, because I wasn't in the mood to run into acquaintances with their inevitable questions about Annie.
A young lady led us to a wooden table in a corner with a view of the big screen TV showing Iowa battling Northwestern. Large, framed pictures of famous Ireland landmarks like the Cliffs of Moher, Blarney Castle and Trinity University were hung on the sand colored walls. When Ryan asked me about the golden trophy on the wall, I laughed.
"That's the Indy Hurling Club's league championship trophy. I was at the match when Flynn's won the title." We whiled away the afternoon as I spun yarns about the Hurling Club and the rivalries between some of the teams. Ryan refused to believe me when I told him about how the guys from the Mother Earth team had tried to steal the trophy from O'Conner's Pub a few years back. It wasn't until our waitress confirmed the story that Ryan finally gave in.
When the clock struck six, I phoned our dinner order into Bazbeaux's and raised my beer.
"Thanks man. It was nice to get away from it all for a few hours."
Ryan clinked his beer to mine. "Miranda thought it might do you some good. Glad it did."
My mouth was watering from the aroma of the pizzas as I turned my key in the front door lock and opened the door. "Dinner's here," I said after Ryan closed the door behind me. There was no response. I looked down the hall. The spare bedroom door was closed.
I knocked on the door, told the ladies the pizza had arrived and headed to the kitchen to get out plates and utensils. Ryan had just turned on the TV when Miranda appeared.
"E.J." She had her arms crossed and was chewing on her lower lip. After a glance from her, Ryan said he needed to use the bathroom. Once we were alone, Miranda motioned me to the couch.
"I tried to talk Annie into joining us but she refused. Losing her hair's proven to be harder on her than she thought it'd be." Miranda sighed. "I think, given that her hair's been such a big deal over the course of her career, she wasn't prepared for the aftermath. She's very vulnerable right now. She needs you."
I headed down the hall. Annie didn't respond when I knocked, so I opened the door just enough to pop my head in. She was seated in the center of the bed, Indian style. Where there had once been a dark mop of luxurious hair I loved to run my fingers through, there was now a barely visible stubble.
"Hey there. Mind if I join you?"
She looked up from the piece of fabric she was picking at and nodded. While there wasn't any evidence of tears, her slumped shoulders and frown said it all. I sat next to her and wrapped her in my arms. For the longest time, she didn't speak. When she did, despair filled her voice.
"I hate this E.J. I hate it." She pounded her fist into my thigh.
Once again, I got a sense I was dancing through a minefield with my words and the wrong one would lead to a massive explosion. I went for the obvious. "I know you do. I hate it, too. But we're going to beat this. You and me together."
"I'm not scaring you yet?"
I placed my hands on her cheeks. "Look at me and tell me what you see. I love you Annie, the person you are. When I gave you the Cladd
agh, it was my first promise to you. When I gave you the engagement ring, it was my permanent promise to you. Whatever we face, we face it together."
The corners of her mouth curved up a little as she kept her gaze on me. She blinked, put her hand on my neck and brought me to her. The kiss was brief and very soft, but when she pulled back, there was a little sparkle in her eyes.
"You got the pizza order right, yes?"
"Only one way to find out."
"Touché." Annie rolled off the bed and ran her hand over her almost bald scalp. "Just think of the time and money I'll save on hair styling products and shampoo. Come on. Let's eat. I'm starving."
We were almost to the door when Annie placed her hand on my arm. "You really are my lucky star, E.J."
Once we turned the corner from the hall to the dining area, Annie stopped, executed a little twirl and put her hands out to her sides. "Ta da, it's the new me. What do you think, Ryan?"
With wide eyes, Ryan glanced across the dining room table at Miranda, evidently for guidance. Miranda's smirk told me I'd done okay.
Ryan swallowed. "Um, you look great."
Miranda stuck her lower lip out. "You never tell me I look great."
"That's because you don't look great." Annie flipped a pizza box open and helped herself to a piece of her favorite Indianapolis indulgence. "You look fabulous, my dear. Am I right Ryan?"
"Yeah, yeah. You look fabulous." He and Annie grinned at each other while Miranda rolled her eyes.
Maybe we're going to be okay, after all.
Ryan and I made the carnivore special disappear in quick succession. Annie and Miranda were much more restrained, leaving half of their veggie pizza uneaten. Both Julia and Miranda had talked to Annie about the value of maintaining a healthy diet during her treatment. My North Star was following their advice with conviction.
We spent the rest of the evening watching Waking Ned Divine. We laughed. We cringed when the mean, old lady got what she had coming to her. Miranda and Annie even shared a couple of tissues at the end.
After our friends left, I joined Annie on the couch. She put her head on my shoulder and snuggled close. "Thanks for tonight, E.J., and for everything else."
With a quick squeeze, I kissed her head. The remaining stubble was a little sharp and tickled my lips. "Wouldn't want to be any other place in the world than right by your side."
We'd learned our lesson with the anti-nausea medication, so in the following days Annie managed to avoid another spell in the bathroom. She was able to maintain her energy too, so with high spirits she finally started responding to all of the well-wishes she'd been receiving.
Those spirits reached even higher one day when we received a phone call from Sue, the genetic counselor. The genetic test results had come back negative. We gave each other a little hug while we thanked Sue for the good news. After the call, Annie wrapped me up in a fierce embrace.
"It's such a relief having one less thing to worry about."
I kissed her on the top of her bald head. I couldn't agree with you more.
Once she got into a little groove, the decisive, assertive Annie returned for the first time since her diagnosis. The last month had been spent in constant react and roll with it mode. Now it seemed like Annie was finally catching the peloton after scrambling from miles behind due to a flat tire.
Samantha came to town for a few days, which we spent getting caught up on the business end of things. There had been an uptick in Annie's record sales since her cancer announcement. She told Samantha she wanted to capitalize on the situation by diverting a portion of the sales income toward cancer prevention and care programs.
After a day and a half of gentle insistence, Samantha finally got Annie to consent to an interview. It was conducted via Skype, so we didn't have to divulge Annie's whereabouts. We both knew it was just a matter of time before word leaked out that Cassandra was being treated in Indianapolis and the media started buzzing around, so we were thankful for each day spent anonymously.
"Aren't you worried about your young friend Staci spilling the beans about you?" I said the night before her third treatment.
Annie shook her head. "Staci's the least of my worries. It's hard to put into words, but there's a connection, a trust, between us. No, I'm more worried about whether the tumors are shrinking or not."
Seven
I held my breath while Dr. Hill examined Annie. The blood draw in the lab had come back fine, so Annie wasn't facing a delay in treatment. The question was whether the AC was having any effect on the cancer. I had to count in my head to keep from fidgeting while the doctor first studied Annie's right breast and then the left one. She looked at her notes, jotted something down and smiled.
"I believe I can safely say we're making progress. The larger of the tumors do not appear to have grown, and while they haven't shrunk, they aren't as hard to the touch."
Annie took my hand in a vice-like grip and dropped her head. After a moment, she let out a long breath. "Thank you, Doctor."
With the good news reflected in our matching grins, we made our way to the infusion area.
Our elation was cut short when Staci came into view. Along with the sock cap, she was under a pile of blankets. She still broke into an electric smile when she saw Annie.
"Sorry I'm late. Had to check in with the doctor." Annie gave her young friend a peck on the cheek. "How are you?"
"Eh." Staci shrugged. "No change on the Big C and I've been fighting a cold, so I'm pretty tired. You?"
Annie hesitated, apparently at a loss for words. Would sharing her good news with Staci be a good thing or a bad thing? On the one hand, any good news ought to make Staci happy. But if Staci wasn't doing as well, would Annie's news leave her discouraged that her treatment wasn't working?
"Could be better, could be worse. I need your opinion about something though." Annie removed the purple beret she'd been sporting. "How do I look?"
Staci's red-rimmed eyes lit up. "We're twins."
Nurse Therese cleared her throat. "All right, if you two young ladies don't behave, I'll have to separate you."
Annie settled into her chair. "Sorry. It's my fault. I'm a bad influence."
The three ladies started discussing the upcoming Oscar broadcast while Therese got Annie's treatment started. Once I got the nod from Annie, I was out the door. I had supplies to buy if we were going to march in the St. Patrick's Day Parade, which as only twenty-four hours away.
For some reason, the treatment ran a little slowly, so it was late afternoon when I was summoned. It didn't take a genius to figure out why Annie was so quiet on a day that should have made her happy.
"You're worried about Staci."
Annie was gazing out the window at the businesses as I drove us east on 86th Street. "She's just a kid, E.J. You can see as well as I can that she's not doing well."
"Maybe it's just taking her body longer to respond than yours."
"She's a strong kid. I hope to God you're right." She shook her head. "And in case you're wondering, I'm not missing the parade tomorrow. Did you get my candy?"
"I did, and there's something special waiting for you at home."
I'd barely got the car in park when Annie leapt out and sprinted inside. It was majorly uplifting to see her full of excitement. I took my time following her, with a little spring in my step.
"Oh, E.J., I love it!" Annie was practically dancing around the living room. A six-foot-long green and white knitted scarf was draped around her neck. She waltzed toward me and flipped a tasseled end into my face. "This will be perfect for keeping my neck warm."
"I think you missed something in there." I pointed at the green gift bag.
She sashayed back to the table and looked in. "What in the world?" She removed a matching green and white stocking cap and pulled it down over her bald head. "Mmm, feels nice. Thank you."
"Don't thank me. Thank G. She was giving me all kinds of grief when she found out you didn't have a heavy hat and scarf. I belie
ve her words were 'If you can't take proper care of that poor girl, then I'll have to.' I guess one of the ladies at her church knits, so there you go."
"I will most definitely thank her for properly taking care of me next time I see her."
The next morning, I arose early for my annual ride to the canal. The City had shifted the ceremony where it dyed the canal green from the morning to the evening, but my buddies had agreed to keep our tradition going. This little bit of normalcy was a soothing balm to my wounded soul.
In high spirits when I got back from the ride, I slipped into the bedroom to get Annie up. It took a combination of gentle prodding from me and Chieftains on the stereo to roust her out of bed. She was having trouble maintaining her appetite these days and some smells upset her stomach, so I passed on my traditional St. Patrick's breakfast feast. These days she was a fan of cinnamon raisin bagels with apple butter, so that's what we ate.
She was almost finished with her bagel when she leaned forward and put her chin in her hand. "E.J., I'm so sorry. It just occurred to me you're missing out on your big, fancy Irish smorgasbord. Why didn't you say anything?"
"Between the bacon and the potato pancakes, I was afraid of upsetting your stomach, so I figured we'd simplify. We can go back to overindulging next year. You sure you're up to marching?"
I was just kidding, but Annie's steely return gaze let me know she was totally serious. She took my hand and held it with more force than I expected.
"I've had this event on the calendar in my head for the last month and a half. I've told myself countless times to just focus on making it to the parade in good enough health to walk. Now I'm there. There's no way I'm missing it." She broke into a grin.
"So shall we?"
We made quick work of clean up and headed out the door. Annie was covered up in her hat and scarf while I was weighed down with a supply of candy that would have made the Easter Bunny proud.