by Jim Cangany
"Can I ask you something?" she said.
"You can ask me anything. Whether or not I choose to answer is another matter of course."
"Hey." She kicked some water my way. "No fair. That's my line."
"I know. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to steal it?"
"How long has it been since we met? I'd say that long. Anyway, my question. Were you keeping tabs on me at all, say through Randi?"
"No. Not that it didn't cross my mind. I made a promise to myself though."
"How did you know I'd be here?"
"I didn't. Just keeping hope alive. Been relying on it a lot lately, so I figured it couldn't hurt."
"And if I wouldn't have been here?"
"Since you sold the place in Malibu, I wasn't concerned you'd gone there. Honestly, I just told myself I wouldn't worry about it, that you'd be here."
"And you booked your flight when?"
I chuckled. "Um, this morning. Didn't finish with my letting go until last night."
Annie looked at the stars while she counted on her fingers. "E.J honey, I'm so glad you came, but that flight must have cost—"
"I don't care. It was time. It needed to be now and it needed to be in person."
She tossed the towel aside and slipped back in the water. "To make sure there's no misunderstanding, we're still on for October Thirteenth?"
"Absolutely. You're the most amazing, talented and beautiful woman in the world. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We can even move the wedding up if you want."
She stood there for a second facing me before breaking into an ear to ear smile. "The thirteenth still works for me." She threw her arms me and planted her lips on mine. I returned the kiss as we fell back into the water. The hundred degree temperature of the hot tub was no match for the fire Annie had re-ignited in my heart and in my soul.
When we came up for air, I wiped water away from her brow and kissed her on the forehead. "Thank you for not leaving me forever."
She grinned. "I may have stepped away from you by coming out here, but I never left you."
"That sounds vaguely familiar," I said with a laugh.
"Yes, well, it's true. Our friend Randi is incredibly discrete, so thanks to her, I wasn't completely in the dark with what you were up to." Her forehead moved up where her eyebrows would have been. "Now, if you want my help moving forward in your life, it's time we get started. Please escort me upstairs."
Once we were in Annie's room, the tension that had been building during our separation burst forth in a tidal wave of passion. Annie dug into my back with her nails as I nibbled on an earlobe and then moved to her neck. She shuddered when I moved to one breast. I wanted to be gentle, but she would have none of that.
She flipped me over and straddled me. She must have recognized the surprise in my face because she laughed. "I'm feeling much better now."
I awoke the next morning without a headache for the first time in days. I ran my fingers along Annie's arm and chuckled. She stirred, but didn't turn over to face me.
"What's so funny?"
"Not funny. Unbelievable. Yesterday, I woke up back in Indy, not certain what was going to happen between us. Now I'm here, right next to my angel from Heaven."
"Mm, yes, you are one lucky man. And I'm one lucky girl. Now go away and let your angel sleep."
After kissing her on the head, I rolled out of bed and went for a ride. I didn't go far, only about twenty miles, so Annie was still asleep when I got back. I showered and was in the middle of scrambling some eggs when she joined me.
"Between the coffee and the breakfast, smells wonderful in here." She hugged me and laid her head on my chest. "This is nice. I missed this much more than you'll ever know."
While we ate, Annie brought me up to speed on the status of the tour DVD. The footage had been culled down to about two and a half hours, the majority of which was my handiwork. There was still some editing to be done, but Annie was happy with it. Unless something unexpected came up, both the DVD and album were still on target for a late August release.
A little later, I was sipping an iced tea on the veranda when she joined me.
"How long can you stay?"
"Depends on you. My flight was a one-way. I was just hoping when I headed back, you'd be coming with me."
She shrank back into her chair. The reason for her return to Indy didn't need to be spoken. Finishing chemotherapy had been a great accomplishment, but that meant she'd only completed the first part of this race to beat cancer.
"Yes, avoidance won't do, will it?"
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up."
Sitting up straight, she waved my apology away. "No, it's all right. I need to—we need to—face this. Rather pointless to go through the chemo if I quit now. How about we do this? I have a few things I'd like to finish on the album before I leave. I can do that by the weekend and we'll fly back to Indy then, yes?"
The next few days were like Christmas, my birthday and Saint Patrick's Day all rolled into one. The bike rides were shorter and slower than before, but it didn't matter. I was back with my North Star and that was what mattered. My phone call with Gloria to let her know when Annie and I were returning was one of the most joyous I'd made in a long time.
Naturally, I was reminded of my place in the pecking order during our call to Miranda. Once Annie referred to me in passing as her assistant, Miranda totally ran with the joke. By the time the conversation ended, I was no longer E.J., I was Assistant McCarty.
We boarded the flight to Indy with mixed emotions. She had let me know that she was looking forward to completing the next step of her treatment, but was dreading the procedure. I couldn't imagine the difficulties, both emotional and physical, she was facing. Just the thought of what she was going to be subjected to scared me. But as I gave her a hand a little squeeze during takeoff, I knew in my heart, Annie would be the victor in the end.
If there had ever been any doubt about my place in life before, there was none now. By Annie's side was where I belonged.
Nineteen
As Annie's surgery date grew closer, her tension level made a steady climb. She was a little impatient with her CassandraLawrence.net webmistress when they were discussing a design change to accommodate the new album. She'd jump a fraction every time my phone buzzed.
The anxiety-induced pressure cooker blew its lid the night before her surgery. She'd spent some time crafting a lighthearted, silly poem called "The Night Before" that she uploaded to the web site. The moment she finished the post, she took a gulping breath and ran to the patio.
When the clock struck eleven, I slipped the patio door open.
"Hey babe, need to be at the hospital at six. Ought to be getting to bed."
She nodded and rose. As I stepped aside to let her enter, she took me in a rub-crushing embrace. "I'm scared, E.J."
I closed my eyes and held her, wishing that for once I had some words to truly comfort her. After a few minutes, she looked up into my eyes.
I kissed her. "I know."
Once we were in bed, I took her in my arms. The shudders came almost immediately and she began sobbing. She cried and cried. Helpless to do anything more, I simply held her.
"The chemo was hard, but the hair'll come back. After tomorrow, I'll never be the same. I'm afraid...I won't..." The sobs returned.
"I'm here. And I always will be. Please don't forget I love you for you. For your heart and for your mind. I'm not going anywhere, ever. I'll do anything for you."
She didn't say anything, but she patted my chest and nodded. Her breathing slowed, and then evened out. The rhythmic rise and fall of her chest a few minutes later confirmed she'd fallen asleep.
Before I drifted off, I asked Mom and Dad and Evan to grant Annie a restful night's sleep. She deserved it.
We didn't talk much on the way to the hospital or during registration. Annie perked up a bit after the nurses had hooked her up to an IV and Doctor Furman made her pre-
op visit. The doctor's easygoing demeanor and kind professionalism calmed my on-edge nerves a touch and seemed to help Annie relax. Her fists, which had been balled tight all morning, loosened as the visit progressed. All too soon, the doctor gave Annie's hand a little squeeze and said she had to go.
A little while later, a nurse came in to walk Annie to the surgery area. All thoughts about how odd that seemed went out the door when Annie leaned into me and let out a long, ragged breath.
At the nurse's touch to Annie's wrist, she turned away from me. My heart broke into a thousand jagged pieces as I stood and helplessly watched Annie shuffle down the tile-floored hall, leaning on the nurse and wiping away a new round of tears with a tissue.
Doctor Furman had said it would be about a five hour procedure, by the time Doctor Henderson finished her portion, so I got breakfast in the cafeteria and took my time getting back to the waiting area. Unable to concentrate on a book I'd brought, I was flipping through the newspaper when someone cleared her throat.
It was Staci. The poor girl look emaciated. Even though it was June, she was in jeans and a sweater. A bandanna covered what I assumed to be a bald head. She had dark circles under her eyes, but she was smiling from ear to ear. She gave me a little wave.
"Can I come in?"
I scrambled to clear my things from the other chair. "Absolutely. Here, sit down."
She hesitated a moment and ran her hands down her jeans before easing into the seat. Without looking at me, she rummaged through her purse and pulled out a bottled water and a battered copy of Emma.
"That's Annie's favorite book. Did you know that?"
"Uh huh. We talked books a lot during chemo. She let me borrow it. Thought I'd read it today for luck."
Annie and Staci had become close over the past few months, but I hardly knew the girl. The fact she was willing to come to the hospital and wait with me spoke volumes, both of her friendship with Annie and her integrity. It couldn't be easy for any teen to spend time in the hospital, but here she was.
"Um Staci, thanks a million for coming. I appreciate it and it'll make Annie feel good, I'm sure."
She waved my thanks away. "No big. I promised her I'd be here. And she said you'd need looking after. She mentioned something about making sure you didn't spill anything on yourself."
The blank look on Staci's face made it clear she had no knowledge of my Great Thanksgiving Spillage Incident, so with a laugh I told her about it. By the time I finished, she was giggling and shaking her head.
We passed the time getting to know each other better. Staci had finally completed her chemo treatments the week before and was hopeful she finally had the cancer beat. She was still very weak and tired easily. Her goal was to feel good enough to return to school in the fall. That sounded encouraging.
Before I knew it, Dr. Furman had returned. Staci was kind enough to suddenly need to get herself something to drink. As soon as she was out of earshot, Dr. Furman sat down.
"The surgery went well. Doctor Henderson is finishing up her part now. If it wasn't for the markers, we wouldn't have been able to locate where the tumors had been."
My heart leapt. "Does that mean the cancer's gone?"
"We don't know yet. We removed a number of lymph nodes. We'll test them to see how far the cancer progressed into her lymph system. The hope is that the last nodes we removed will be clear of evidence of the cancer. If that's the case, then yes, I'll feel confident she's cancer-free."
Cancer-free.
I grabbed on to the words like they were a life preserver and I was abandoned in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. "How long will it be until we get the test results back?"
"Let's see, today's Wednesday. We should have preliminary results back the first part of next week, with final results toward the end of the week."
I sent up a silent thank you to the man upstairs and sat back in my chair.
"Do you have any other questions I can answer?"
With a shake of my head, I smiled. "I probably will later, but I can't think of anything now."
The doctor stood. "I understand. Doctor Henderson will stop by in a little bit."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Staci was back. I gave her a thumbs up, then shook Doctor Furman's hand. "Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much we appreciate all you've done for Annie."
The doctor had a brief conversation with Staci on her way out which resulted in a big smile from Annie's young friend. She bopped in and hugged me.
"So she's going to be okay?"
Once I recovered from the unexpected hug, we exchanged a high-five. "We won't know for sure until the results from the lymph node tests are back, but things look promising."
She ripped open a bag of chips. "Excellent. Can I see her before I go home? Annie promised me I could."
"Far be it from me to contradict what the boss says."
Staci was giving me the latest gossip on some of the Cassandra Lawrence fan web sites when Doctor Henderson arrived.
"We're finished. Both procedures went flawlessly. Annie's in recovery now. She'll be moved to a room shortly. We'll let you know when you can see her. She'll be pretty groggy tonight, but if all is well, she can go home tomorrow."
I gave Doctor Henderson my heartiest thanks and got busy texting people that Annie was out of surgery. Just as Staci beat me for the third time in a row at checkers, a nurse stopped by told us she'd been moved out of recovery and we could see her.
The sight when I walked into her room broke my heart.
Annie was unconscious. She looked like a six-year-old child in the massive hospital bed. Her lips were chapped and she had an oxygen tube attached to her nose. A nurse came in and checked a couple of things before bustling out with barely a nod to us.
Staci went to the bed and removed her bandanna. She slipped it onto Annie's head and patted her shoulder. With a sigh, she looked at me.
"I better get going. Can I come see her when she gets home?"
"Any time you want. She'll be glad to see you."
Staci gave me a hug and slipped out the door. I scanned the room. A machine was monitoring her heart rate, blood pressure and a few other things I didn't understand. Unable to escape a feeling that I was about as useful as a rubber duckie on the moon, I slumped into a chair.
And waited.
After an hour or so, Annie began to move her head and mumble. I couldn't understand anything she was saying, so with an edge of panic hanging over me, I hit the call button.
A middle-aged looking woman dressed in sky blue scrubs came in a minute later. With a comforting smile, she introduced herself and checked on Annie.
"The anesthesia's wearing off. She'll be pretty incoherent for a while, but she's fine. I'll bring in some ice chips and water. Once she wakes up enough, she'll be thirsty."
As the evening wore on, I split my time between feeding Annie ice chips and responding to text and email well-wishes. She was still pretty loopy while she slurped her way through dinner, so I didn't take offense when she kept forgetting my name.
She fell asleep shortly after dinner. When there was no doubt she was gone for the night, the nurse suggested I head home and get a good night's sleep. With a heartfelt thank you, I politely declined. I couldn't leave her side.
A gentle shake on my shoulder startled me. It was Miranda. "When did you get here?"
"Come on, E.J. Time go to home."
I rubbed my eyes as I sat up in the visitor's chair. "Guess I fell asleep. What time is it?"
"After ten. Let's go before we wake her."
I went to the bed and stroked Annie's arm. "Thanks, but I think I should stay."
Miranda frowned and nodded toward the door. I followed her into the hall. A nurse was going from room to room, but otherwise, all was quiet.
"Annie will be fine. It's not like she's a premature baby in the ICU. You need a good night's rest so you can help her after she's been discharged. So come on, it's time to head home."
I ran my fingers thr
ough my hair. "Look, I know she's not a baby, and I know she told me this morning it was okay if I went home, and I know they'll take good care of her." My voice cracked. "But I just can't leave her."
Miranda stared at the floor, her foot tracing a square on the tile floor. A machine down the hall beeped and she raised her head. "Then look it at it this way. Think about your letting-go process. That's something to be proud of. And tonight is another test of that. You just let Annie go for a couple of weeks and survived." She bumped me on the shoulder. "I think you can let her go for one night."
I shuffled my feet and looked around. "God, I hate this. But you're right. Let me get my backpack." I gathered my things and made sure Miranda was safely in her car before I asked her my question.
"You know I really appreciate you coming by, but just out of curiosity, did someone put you up to this?"
A ghost of a smile grew across her lips. "Let's just say the possibility was raised that you might want to stay by Annie's side all night." She started the engine. "Good night, E.J. Text me when you guys get home tomorrow."
I stopped for a burger and fries on the way home and picked at them in front of the TV. A worry-induced lead stone in my gut had killed my appetite. No matter what I tried, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd failed Annie. A few recorded episodes of The Colbert Report didn't help me feel better, so I threw the dinner in the trash and went to bed.
While I stared at the semicircular pattern in the bedroom ceiling, visions of Annie alone in that hospital bed bubbled to the surface. Despite the long term benefit of the surgery, it still felt like incredible violence had been inflicted upon her. And I hadn't been able to do a damn thing to help her.
When sleep eventually came, I dreamt I was back in the peloton. The road had just turned upward and I'd been cranking the pedals in an attempt to keep pace. Despite my efforts, the group pulled away as if it was powered by a jet engine and I was powered by a watch battery.
I glanced to the sky. The mountaintop finish line was shrouded in clouds. I pounded my fist on my handlebar. Just when I thought I'd slipped back into the comfort of the group, it had dropped me like a wet paper towel. The broom wagon followed five feet behind me, its horn blaring, a constant beep, beep, beep urging me to abandon the race...