Millie sat up when she heard Caty’s feet on the steps.
They made it through supper.
Afterward, Millie sat at the table and watched the children play. She didn’t spend the time writing in her notebook like she had when she first came here. She didn’t spend it knitting in the rocking chair next to Adam like she had in the weeks before The Fight. It was getting too hard to get up from the floor, so she did not sit down there to play either.
Millie just sat at the table. Adam played with the kids, talked to them about their days. Having not seen him all day, the kids soaked up his attention, and Adam gave them lots of it. Millie used to watch this scene and feel blessed that Adam was such a good father. Now she just felt lonely.
Growing up, Millie had spent a lot of time watching families. In restaurants. In church. On the street. Children with parents who seemed to just adore them. Millie had watched, gone back to The Home and remembered. And felt alone.
Millie felt that now.
She made it through, though. Through the time between supper and bedtime. Through watching Adam say prayers with the kids and tucking them in.
Adam left, and Millie sat on the edge of the children’s bed, trying to find a comfortable position around the stomach that seemed to grow more and more each day. A reminder that even more change was coming. She and Adam were about to be further bound.
“Good night, my darlings. I love you.” Millie kissed their sweet cheeks one last time, pulled up the covers another inch and left the room, being as quiet as possible. She did not even look in the direction of the family room as she headed the few short feet to her bedroom door.
“Millie? Will you please stay out here for a few minutes? We need to talk.”
* * *
Adam’s nightmares had little to do with the scary things of this world. Instead, they were this—Millie trying to escape to her bedroom and him asking her to stay. Him trying to think of how to be unstuck out of this moment and her sitting there, unreadable and not talking. They had played this out over and over in the months they had been married. They seemed destined to keep doing so.
Nightmares were bad enough. Living them was worse. Living them over and over again was too much.
Millie came and sat down at the table, and Adam braced himself. He had spent all week doing the maintenance projects he’d avoided for months. The ones that were nothing but hard work. He’d built a fence. Repaired a wall. Cleared brush from where the creek flowed when water was actually plentiful. He’d worked until his muscles ached. Until it felt like punishment instead of accomplishment. Until it was time to go home and pretend for his children.
Adam sighed. He had done a lot of thinking while working. He didn’t want to, but he had. He’d replayed their fight. Imagined this conversation. Played through scenarios as he wiped the never-ending stream of sweat out of his eyes.
And, in a twist of things that had threatened to bring him to his knees, Adam realized he was exactly where he’d started before Millie had even arrived. That he wanted what he’d had at the beginning. Until he had tried to change it and blown the whole thing up.
“Millie.” She looked at him, but he couldn’t read her expression. That was probably for the best, all things considered. “Thank you for sitting down and talking to me. For listening to me. I want to say I’m sorry.”
Millie’s eyebrows moved, but that was all.
“I was, and am, still very upset about what I read in your notebook. The fact that you actually packed a suitcase hurts, especially when I think about what that would have done to the children. Then, you spent months with thoughts of leaving in your head. Thoughts of taking the children with you.”
She started to open her mouth, but Adam held up his hand. “Please. Let me finish. Then I will give you all the time you want to respond. I’ll listen to whatever you have to say.”
She closed her mouth and nodded.
“I thought about what you said. And I believe you that you would never leave, because of the children.” He did. “I have seen how much you love them. Of course you are not going to leave them.” The next part was harder. But necessary. “I also believe you when you say you are not going to try to take my children from me.”
He didn’t bother to tell her that it would not work, even if she tried it. That he would not let his children be taken from him. Making that point would not serve any purpose other than fueling his anger. “I believe you, because I can’t take the children from you, either.”
She gasped and tears filled her eyes. Adam pushed down the urge to comfort her. “The children love you, and I love them. I still want what I have always wanted. I want them to have two parents who adore them. Who give them the family they deserve. You are their mother. You are. Just like I am their father. You could no more hurt those kids by taking them away from their father than I could by taking them from their mother.”
Millie blinked rapidly, but her eyes were still shiny.
“So. You are not leaving. I am not leaving. We both want the children to be loved. Happy. I think we are right back where we started. We need to be friends. A team.” Adam swallowed hard, pushing aside the dreams he’d had when he’d asked to court her. “But, nothing more. Our original plan was the right one.”
Millie looked like she wanted to say something, but she didn’t. She was letting him finish, just like he’d asked. He only had a couple more things to say.
“I don’t think this whole fight was your fault. I think it was bound to happen. We were both burned badly by our first marriages. Neither of us trusts very well. I just don’t see how we can ever move past all that. This was going to happen, and it’s probably better that it happened sooner rather than later. Easier to go back to what we had before, which was pretty great.”
It was. Adam just needed to keep reminding himself of that fact.
“I only have one more thing to say, and then I’ll be quiet. I’ll listen.” He was almost done with this conversation that felt more like the live flaying of dreams. “I want to tell you that I love the baby you are carrying. That has not changed. I was wrong to tell you that Caty and Genie are my children. They’re not. They are ours—every bit as much yours as mine. And that is what I want. I want you to love them as though you gave birth to them. That is how I feel about the baby you’re carrying. Still feel. It is mine—ours.”
Adam looked to where the cradle waited in the corner. The thing he had made to comfort and protect this baby. His baby. “It’s important to me that you know that. I meant what I said. I want us to be friends. I do not want to hurt you anymore.”
Adam drained the rest of his water from his cup. “Okay, I’m done. You can talk now.”
Millie looked at where her fingers were clasped in her lap. She was quiet for several minutes, and Adam steeled himself to give her the same latitude she’d given him.
Finally, she raised her eyes and looked at him. “Okay.”
“Um...okay?”
She nodded. “Yes. Okay.”
She was quiet for several more long seconds. Adam thought perhaps she was done talking about the subject, but she made no move to go to her room.
“I think you’re right. This fight was because you don’t trust me.” She swallowed, a hard motion that rippled in her throat. “And I don’t trust you. I could have come to you with my fears, instead of writing them down. But I didn’t. I was afraid of your reaction. And I was right to be afraid.”
Even though she was agreeing with him, her words hurt. But he didn’t argue against them. He just nodded. He stood when Millie did, waiting to see what she was going to do next.
“I’m done talking for tonight. I think we’re both done. I’m going to take a walk. Think about things. But I’d like to start building our friendship tomorrow. See if we can get back to where we were before everything went wrong.”
“I’d like that.”
Adam was heading to his room, unable to watch Millie walk out the door, go for a walk without him, when she yelled his name. Loudly.
She was leaning against the doorjamb, one hand braced as though it was holding her up. Adam ran through the room to get to her. “Millie! Is it the baby? Are you okay?”
Her voice was thick, but not with pain. With terror. “Fire.”
Adam looked in the direction Millie was pointing.
The entire horizon looked like it was burning down.
Chapter Sixteen
Millie had never seen so much smoke before. It looked like the entire county was going up in flames. Maybe the entire country.
Caty and Genie came into the family room, peering through the door at the wall of black. Millie’s scream must have been loud. And scary.
Genie started to cry, and Adam picked him up. Caty leaned against her father. Millie looked at Adam, trying to stay calm for the children. “That’s a really big fire.”
Adam was similarly frozen, staring in the distance at the black billows that never ended. He slowly turned and handed Genie to Millie. She took him, thankful for the warm body to hold close and try to heat up the blood that had frozen in her veins.
“Adam?”
He just walked forward a few steps and stared. Millie’s breath stuttered. Then his shoulders slumped and he bowed his head. Millie stopped breathing altogether. She reached out and took Caty’s hand, pulled the girl close. Millie didn’t know if she was comforting the kids or leaching comfort from them. Hopefully both. Definitely the latter.
Adam raised his head and looked her way. “Sorry, Millie. I needed a second.”
“That’s got to be a huge fire.”
“Yes. Bigger than any other prairie fire I’ve ever seen.”
Prairie fire. So that’s what this was. The too-dry grass was on fire. Millie swallowed. Hard. She took a couple of breaths slowly through her mouth, focusing on the feel of Genie’s weight in her arms and Caty’s heat at her side. “Okay. What are we going to do?”
Adam wiped a hand across his brow. Then he finally faced them. “I don’t know.”
Millie had to put Genie down before she dropped him. Her entire body was shaking. Adam always knew what to do. Or, at least, he always thought he knew. While his confidence that things would be okay was usually annoying, Millie found his lack of it made dots appear in her vision.
“Daddy, is that a bad fire?” Caty was still gripping Millie’s skirt, but her eyes were focused entirely on her father.
Millie breathed out hard. Please, Lord, help me. I need Your strength right now. My children need it. She squatted down in front of the frightened children. Adam followed suit, kneeling on the ground and pulling his daughter into his arms.
“It’s not a good fire, Caty-girl.”
“Are we going to die?” The words were whispered but they exploded in Millie’s heart and tore it apart. Millie moved from a squat to flat-out sitting on her bottom and reached out for Genie. She wanted to pull Caty in, too, and shelter all her children as much as she could. Including the one still growing inside.
But Adam’s fingers were white where he held on to Caty, and Millie guessed that he would not let the girl go easily. That question must have been equally as painful for him to hear.
“No, Caty. No.”
Adam scooted over to sit on the ground across from Millie. He pulled Caty into his lap, mirroring the way Genie was sitting in her own. Then he leaned forward and held out his hands. Millie didn’t hesitate. The second her hands were in his, she felt things settle.
The ground was beneath her. Her husband’s hands joined her to him. Their children were safe in the shelter they created with their bodies. All was solid. Warm. Real. And blessedly steady.
Adam’s hands squeezed hers tight for a few seconds, and Millie squeezed right back. Things had felt so fractured between them just ten minutes ago. But they were still a family. They still loved their children. They were bound for forever, even if they never spoke to one another again.
Adam squeezed one last time. “It’s going to be okay.”
Even if that wasn’t true, the words were still a balm to the fear that felt like raw, burned skin covering her body. “What are we going to do, Adam?”
“First, we’re going to pray.” Yes. Yes, they needed to pray.
“Then, I’m going to try to get some information. If we see that smoke, then others do, too. Someone might have already gotten a group together to go investigate. If not, I’ll go rally some people to do that. We need to find out how far away the fire is and how fast it’s moving.”
Millie nodded. That not only seemed logical, it sounded wonderful. Information was good. Knowing what they were dealing with, even if it was bad, had to be better than watching that smoke and not knowing.
Millie pictured what she had seen of the prairie. Flat and filled with tall grass. And so dry right now. Not much would stop a fire from getting to them. Maybe the tilled soil in the fields would be a small obstacle to the flames, but Millie doubted it. The only other thing in the fire’s path would be homes.
Homes.
“Adam, people are going to need help. Wherever that fire is, it’s someone’s land. Someone’s home.”
His eyes were solemn, almost midnight black, as they looked at her. He nodded. She was not telling him anything he didn’t know.
Millie lowered her eyes in shame. She had spent the last few minutes worrying about her own family and something that might happen to them. That fire wasn’t a potential threat to others, though. It was a nightmare happening to those people right now.
“How can we help them?”
“We need information first. But, in general, there’s not much we can do to stop the fire. We’ll go there and try, of course. They will need help moving livestock. Moving what possessions they can get out of their homes. Getting to safety.”
Millie pressed her tongue against the back side of her front teeth. This was not going to be good. But sitting here upset wouldn’t accomplish anything. She needed to be calm for the children and then do what she could to help. And pray that they would not need help themselves.
They prayed, and Millie pictured Adam’s words as a blanket that could surround them. Comfort them. Adam finished and just held her hand quietly for a few moments. Millie used that time to say her own silent prayer.
Then Adam lifted Caty and set her on her feet. He reached over and did the same with Genie. Millie immediately missed the feel of his small heart against her chest. Adam stood and leaned down. He easily helped Millie to her feet, and she was thankful for his assistance.
Once they were all standing, Adam placed one hand on Millie’s shoulder and the other on her stomach where her—their—child was still growing. His eyes were no less intense than when the family had been seated on the ground.
He leaned forward and kissed Millie’s forehead. No force of will could have stopped the tears that slid hotly down her cheeks. She wanted to tell him to be careful. She didn’t want to tell him goodbye. She couldn’t manage to say anything at all.
“I’m going to head out. I’ll be back.”
“What should I do? Will the women be gathered somewhere? Will there be people hurt by the fire who need help? Should I pack?” Millie’s mouth seemed to spew out a list of options as though she was writing in her notebook.
“Get together anything that might help if people are hurt. Clean sheets. Bandages. Honey for the burns. Anything else you think might be useful. I’ll send word back to you with what to do next.”
Millie nodded. She wanted a more specific answer, but knew that Adam lacked just as much information as she did. Millie needed to let him go find out more about the situation. Send word.
It only took
Adam a few minutes to gather what he thought he might need and saddle his horse. Millie stood in their front yard and watched him ride away. Then she looked at the smoke and tried to determine if it had really moved closer to them or if her fears were just distorting her perception.
“Mama?” Caty was standing a few feet behind Millie, holding Genie’s hand.
Millie turned and smiled at her daughter. “It’s okay, Caty. Daddy will come back.”
Caty nodded, but her entire demeanor shouted her doubts.
Millie walked over to the children. She took a child’s hand in each one of her own and led them up the front steps and inside the house. Once there, she shut the front door. They didn’t need to watch that smoke any more right now. Their focus was required elsewhere.
She led the children over to the table, pulled out a chair and sat down, and pulled the kids in close. She kissed each one on the cheek and ruffled Genie’s hair. Smoothed a hand down Caty’s braid. Looked into their eyes and gave them a real, reassuring smile.
These were her children, and she tried to comfort them as much as possible. That was something she could do. Something she would do.
“Okay, my darlings, let’s talk real quick. There’s a big fire out there.”
Caty nodded, her eyes so much like Adam’s.
“Fire.” Genie repeated the word and nodded his head.
“Daddy went to go help, but we need to help, too. Can you do that with me? Can we help Daddy?”
Both kids immediately nodded, even though Millie doubted Genie truly understood what she was saying.
“Great. I knew you would both be my big helpers. I’m so proud of you both.”
Caty’s smile was small, but genuine. Millie stood up, ready to be moving.
“Genie, can you get your blocks and play for me on the rug? That would help me so much.”
Genie’s face lit up, and he did exactly what Millie asked. Not having him underfoot or worrying about what he was doing would make Millie’s next tasks much easier. “Thank you, Genie-bug. You’re such a good boy.”
Family of Convenience Page 18