Uncle Gobb And The Green Heads

by Michael Rosen

  Later, Dad came and found them, looked at the lizards and said to them, ‘Cool, huh?’

  Then he said to Malcolm, ‘Hey Malky, let’s talk.’

  Next thing, Malcolm and Dad were walking in the woods, talking.

  Malcolm had planned this. He had a speech ready and nothing was going to stop him. So he said to Dad, ‘What’s going to happen is that you and Uncle Gobb are going to change places, swap over. Uncle Gobb is going to come here to America and you’re coming to live with me and Mum. What do you, think?’

  Dad seemed surprised.

  ‘Ah, well, whoa there, buddy,’ he said. ‘It’s not quite as easy as that. You see, I haven’t talked to you about my projects …’

  ‘Like Lizard and her lizards?’ Malcolm said.

  ‘Well, yes,’ said Dad. ‘Like that, in a way. You see, I run a string of these places,’ he said. ‘OK not just yet I don’t, but I’m hoping to. You see, Malky, it could all be just taking off. And this means, buddy, that I can’t let the whole thing drop.’

  Taking off? Whole thing drop? Malcolm wasn’t sure if he was getting what Dad meant. Was Dad saying that he wasn’t going to come back with them? Malcolm felt a deep, deep sadness was just round the corner waiting to come along and grab him.

  ‘Look, Malcolm,’ Dad said, ‘Tess and I both love you to bits. We do, we do. And, hey, who knows what might happen later? But right now, this, this …’ He waved at the trees all around them. ‘… This is something that I’ve got to grab with both hands.’

  Later? When was ‘later’? Later today? A hundred years time? Malcolm could feel the tears in his eyes.

  ‘What about Uncle Gobb, though?’ he said.

  What he meant to say, was, how can I go on putting up with horrible, awful, nightmarish Uncle Gobb? You need to do something …

  But he didn’t say that.

  Dad said, ‘Look, Malky, I can imagine just how bad it is. I know Derek is a pain. But … how can I say this? Derek is … like … ill. Things have gone badly wrong for him. I mean, over here, in America. Not only with Tammy, you know, his wife?’

  ‘Yes,’ Malcolm said, ‘I know about that and how it all went

  ‘Well,’ Dad said, ‘that wasn’t the only thing that went blammmm … the whole Gobb Education thing … just as it was taking off, right here in America, it was taken off him.’

  Malcolm started to feel fizzy. It was taking off … then it was taken off???

  Dad went on: ‘There’s a seriously big guy over here … let’s call him Joe Big, and him and Uncle Gobb were doing stuff together … all that Gobb Education thing … and then suddenly Joe Big said he could do it without Uncle Gobb … and he did! He took it off him … but, get this, Joe Big kept the Gobb name. Because Gobb sounds kinda funky …’

  Dad let the story fade away into the woods.

  Malcolm wondered how you could steal someone’s name.

  Dad went on explaining: ‘When all this happened, your Uncle Gobb went into a RAGE. And it went on and on and on. Remember, it was your mum who was looking after him, huh?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Malcolm who, for the first time, wondered if in some sort of a way he, Malcolm, looked after Uncle Gobb too.

  Dad said, ‘I couldn’t do what your mum does with Uncle Gobb, buddy. And anyway, to be honest, I don’t like the stuff that Joe Big and Uncle Gobb are into. All those questions, and the Gobb Education Force. I’m into these summer projects.’

  Malcolm tried not to cry.

  It felt hopeless and useless and didn’t make sense. Hopeless, useless and senseless. He would have to tell it all again to Crackersnacker to get Crackersnacker to explain whether it meant what he was afraid it meant.

  ‘Anyway,’ Malcolm said, taking a deep breath, ‘if you can’t take Uncle Gobb, is there some way you can stop him from coming back with us, and then, you … er … the swap thing … erm … ?’

  ‘Ah! Yeah!’ said Dad. ‘That’s … yeah … I’m going to get my head round that one.’

  All of a sudden, that sounded a bit better. There was a little tiny bit of hope there. Like, even when you think you think you’ve finished a plate of baked beans, there’s one bean left, hiding behind the crust you didn’t eat.

  CHAPTER 15

  Ah! Yeah!

  Not long after, Dad went for a walk in the woods with Uncle Gobb.

  Uncle Gobb had some explaining to do as well. ‘Life, Fender,’ he said, ‘is becoming impossible with Malcolm. Well, not only Malcolm. It’s Crackersnacker too. I’m going to have to tell you very directly, Fender: you have to keep Malcolm here in America. And another thing. Crackersnacker and Malcolm – it’s as if they’re stuck together with superglue. I’m thinking you have to take Crackersnacker too. I can tell you,’ he added, ‘Tessa’s at the end of her tether. Malcolm is your son, Fender. You have to stand up straight, look at life in the eye and do right. Take the boy. And the other boy.’

  Uncle Gobb had prepared this speech in his room after Tess had sent him to bed.

  Dad replied with, ‘Ah! Yeah! That’s … yeah … I’m going to get my head round that one.’

  Uncle Gobb was amazed to hear Dad answering by saying things that seemed to agree with what he had just said.

  Superb, thought Uncle Gobb. I am such a good talker. I am so good at getting people to agree with me, I could talk the strawberries out of strawberry jam.

  NOTE ON CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Yet again, we find that something that happened in one chapter has happened again in the next. Did you notice that? I did.

  CHAPTER 16

  The Tower At The End Of The World

  (Or Is It The World At The End Of The Tower?)

  (Or Is It The End Of The Tower Of The World?)

  By now it was evening, everyone in the camp ate sausages and beans apart from the people who didn’t eat sausages. They ate beans.

  The camp leader for the day – she was called Ocean – said that the plan tonight was to do The Scary Tower Trip.

  Everyone who was going on the trip said, ‘Wooooo!!!!’ which Malcolm reckoned meant that they had done this sort of thing before. The people not going on the trip thought about how lucky they were not going on the trip.

  ‘These woods,’ said Ocean, ‘once belonged to a woman called Laetitia von Bildungsroman who was so rich she put diamonds in the teeth of her pet snake. Over there …’ Ocean waved over there. ‘… is Laetitia von Bildungsroman’s huge house and Tower. Let’s go!’

  Some people said, ‘Wooooo!!!’ again, then along with Malcolm, Crackersnacker, Uncle Gobb, Wenda, Lizard and Mum, they headed off through the woods. After some mumbling and stumbling, they could see, looming up above the trees, Laetitia von Bildungsroman’s Tower.

  The way to say ‘Laetitia’ is ‘Let-isha’. A bit like lettuce with a ‘sha’ on the end.

  That was some more HELPFUL INFORMATION.

  ‘In this Tower,’ said Ocean, ‘there are some stairs. You go up the stairs and there are landings. On the landings there are doors. If you go through the doors into the rooms and it works out well for you, you could become the Camp Octopus and wear the octopus mask and the extra legs all day long. One last thing: (Ocean leant forward, did a big stare at everyone) the best room is at the top.’

  Aha, I know what that means, Malcolm thought. That’s where Dad and Uncle Gobb ARE going to swap over. That’s why he said ‘later’. And that’s why it’s Ocean saying all this, not Dad. Dad’s up the top of the Tower.

  Aha, I know what that means, Uncle Gobb thought. That’s where Fender is going to take Malcolm and Crackersnacker. Of course – that’s why it’s Ocean saying all this, not Fender. Fender’s up the top of the Tower.

  Inside the Tower it was empty and whispery.

  Everyone said, ‘Wooooooo!!!’ and the Tower echoed back; ‘Woooo!!’ Ocean said, ‘Best of luck in there. You’ll need it.’

  Then she laughed a spooky movie laugh.

  Up the empty, whispery steps they climbed.

  Up and up a
nd up and round and round inside the Tower.

  Malcolm looked over the banisters down to the bottom. It was like a twisty eye down there. He felt dizzy. Uncle Gobb looked over the banisters down to the bottom too. When everyone else looked down they said, ‘Woooo!’

  Lizard grabbed Wenda’s hand and said, ‘I love this place,’ and they headed up the stairs on their own.

  Then it was the landing. And a door. And then a room …

  Malcolm was thinking that it was getting a bit risky. What if Uncle Gobb called up Doctor Roop the Doop who then told Uncle Gobb to split up Crackersnacker and him in some horrible way, ON THE WAY UP? No time to wait; the best thing to do is try to get rid of Uncle Gobb BEFORE they got there!

  Only one thing for it: he had to call up his Genie. He looked around. There were some curtains. He slipped behind them with Crackersnacker and started rubbing his nose.

  Malcolm’s Genie arrived through Malcolm’s nose, carrying some weights.

  ‘I was in the gym, when you called me. I’m upping the reps.’

  ‘What?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘I’m increasing my repetitions with the weights,’ he said. ‘But anyway, what’s happening? I am the Genie of the Magic –’

  ‘Never mind that,’ said Malcolm. ‘I’ve got to get rid of Uncle Gobb NOW before he tries anything. This Tower feels like a great place to lock him up or something, so we’ll be free of him for when Dad comes home with us …’

  ‘Good one, Ponkyboy,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘Hmmm, best place for that will be in the little room at the top,’ said Malcolm’s Genie.

  ‘Can you check out what Uncle Gobb is doing now, though? Has Doctor Roop the Doop told him about how he’s got to split me and Crackersnacker up? I’m getting worried.’

  ‘I’ll do some nosing around,’ said the Genie.

  ‘Yes,’ said Malcolm, ‘but don’t just nose. Come up with a plan as well, eh?’

  ‘Yes, yes, yes,’ said the Genie. ‘I’m not just a pretty face.’

  ‘Pretty face?’ said Crackersnacker. ‘You’ve got a pretty face?’

  ‘Oh, one problem, though,’ said the Genie. ‘I can’t just pop back and tell you what I find out, because for some of us weaker Genies, it’s too soon to come, go, and come back again. There has to be a gap to build up the power.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Malcolm.

  ‘But there’s a way round it. If you come across some kind of clue, or message, or some kind of puzzle and you can solve it, that might just pump up enough Genie Juice and I can come back on the strength of it. It all connects.’

  ‘Right,’ said Malcolm, and his Genie was gone a second later.

  There was a big ‘Woooo!!!’ from another room. Someone must have found something. Or lost something. Scary Trips are like that.

  In another part of the Tower, Uncle Gobb was getting desperate. He was sure that the Tower was the place where he or Fender or both of them were going to get Malcolm and Crackersnacker out of his life, but he couldn’t figure out how. And he couldn’t risk Malcolm summoning up his Genie. That would ruin everything. Uncle Gobb noticed a door at the end of the room he was in.

  I know, he thought, I won’t wait till we get to the top. I’ll go in there, summon up Doctor Roop the Doop, and ask him to handle it. He could whisk the two boys off, jam them in some little room here and lock them in. Maybe that’s what Ocean meant about how the room at the top is the best … Fender must have told her to say that, yes … and then I’ll be free to get on with my big job of making sure people answer my questions properly. Come on, Derek, he said to himself, you were famous Gobb once, you could be famous Gobb again.

  So, Uncle Gobb slipped through the little door and immediately began polishing his face and saying the magic words.

  Sure enough, Doctor Roop the Doop arrived. But because Uncle Gobb hadn’t listened to him last time, Doctor Roop was a bit sulky.

  ‘Yep?’

  Uncle Gobb was excited.

  ‘Now’s the time, Roopy. They’re both here, we’re heading up a tower, up to the top, the little room, what about it? What do you think? Eh? Eh? Eh?’

  Did you see that ‘Eh? Eh? Eh?’

  That ‘Eh? Eh? Eh?’ meant that Uncle Gobb was thinking that Doctor Roop the Doop should do the locking up thing …

  BOOKS DON’T GET

  NASTIER THAN THIS.

  CHAPTER 17

  Nasty

  If it’s all getting too nasty, put this book down now.

  If you think you can cope, don’t put this book down.

  CHAPTER 18

  HIGH FIVES!!!!

  ‘Never mind, “Eh? Eh? Eh?”’ said Doctor Roop the Doop (who knew exactly what ‘Eh? Eh? Eh?’ meant). ‘I’ve told you: WE CAN’T JUST GET RID OF THEM!!! We’ll end up in PRISON!!!! What we have to do is …’

  But Uncle Gobb wasn’t listening. You see, Uncle Gobb not only knew all the questions, he also knew all the answers. Someone who knows all the answers thinks he doesn’t have to listen to some old wrinkly Genie with glasses rattling on about his own plans.

  ‘… And I’m telling you,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘this Tower is the place where we can get rid of the boys, I mean really, really get them out of my life. Then I get my powers back. This is my moment. This is going to be …

  THE GOBB TOWER OF POWER!!!’

  Uncle Gobb started puffing himself up, his eyes were gleaming and his mouth was wiggling about like two snakes having a fight.

  roared Uncle Gobb triumphantly.

  This made Doctor Roop the Doop even more annoyed. Not just annoyed; angry. In fact, it made him so angry, he walked out in a big, big, sulk.

  INFORMATION ABOUT GENIES

  Genies don’t do that sort of thing. It’s not allowed. It’s against the Genies ’ Rules.

  END OF INFORMATION ABOUT GENIES

  But Doctor Roop the Doop did it anyway! He got into his helicopter and off he went.

  Unbelievable, but true.

  Uncle Gobb was left on his own.

  No matter, he thought, I’m getting my old powers back … I can feel it. I can handle this on my own. And he strode back into the room, thinking about a little room at the top the tower with a great big door and loads of locks and bolts and Malcolm and Crackersnacker locked up inside …

  A HORRIBLE LOOK CROSSED UNCLE GOBB’S FACE.

  If the dog had been there, he wouldn’t have liked that look.

  Meanwhile, Malcolm and Crackersnacker were still climbing. As they climbed, Crackersnacker chanted, ‘Far and few, far and few …’ like it was a marching song, to help them keep going.

  They got to another landing and went into the next room. At one end of the room was a screen with a picture on it of some strange creatures with green heads and blue hands.

  A sign said, ‘Help. We don’t know who we are. We don’t know what we’re doing and we don’t know why we’re doing it. If you can tell us, maybe you will become the Camp Octopus.’

  Next to the screen there was a microphone with a message on it saying, ‘Tell us.’

  So Malcolm spoke into the microphone, ‘You’re Jumblies.’

  Crackersnacker leaned in and said, ‘Yeah, Ponkyboy is right.’

  ‘And you’ve gone to sea in a sieve,’ Malcolm said.

  ‘And me and Ponkyboy don’t know why you’ve done that because a sieve lets in water,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘But you got there and back OK,’ Malcolm said.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘We thought that was good,’ Malcolm said. ‘To get there and back in a sieve was brave.’

  ‘We liked that,’ Crackersnacker said.

  ‘And you’re a bit like us,’ Malcolm said. ‘We’ve gone away …’

  ‘And we’re going back,’ said Crackersnacker looking at Malcolm.

  Malcolm reckoned that this could it be just the kind of puzzle solving that could bring back his Genie.

  But was it?

  CHAPTER 19

  It Was<
br />
  It was.

  (Which you knew, because that’s the name of the chapter.)

  CHAPTER 20

  Mega, Massive Or Mammoth?

  Malcolm’s Genie bustled in.

  ‘Did you see the way I bustled in?’ he said.

  ‘Yes,’ said Malcolm. ‘That was good bustling in. Felt better than when you come out of my nose.’

  ‘You did that, guys. Well done. You cracked that puzzle really well.’

  Malcolm and Crackersnacker got a proud feeling.

  The Genie went on, ‘I am the Genie of the Magic –’

  ‘Never mind that,’ said Malcolm.

  ‘Fair enough,’ said the Genie. ‘On with my amazing news, then. I’ve been nosing around and I have seen something “extraordinaire”.’ (Which means ‘extraordinary’ in French. More Helpful Information there.)

  Malcolm’s Genie cleared his throat and announced, ‘Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, has walked out on Uncle Gobb. He has broken the Genies’ rules and gone. Left him.’

  What?!!!!

  Malcolm and Crackersnacker looked at each other with very big eyes.

  Was this good, or what?! Or was it totally good? Amazing? Mega? Massive? Mammoth?

  (Note: Mr Keenly would know if it was mammoth because mammoths lived in the Stone Age.)

  ‘Crackersnacker,’ said Malcolm excitedly, ‘this is even bigger than mammoth! UNCLE GOBB HAS NO GENIE TO HELP HIM!!! That means he doesn’t know that the one thing he’s got to do is to split me and you up.’