by Mercy Amare
I want to say no. I want to take it all back, just so I don’t have to see the look of devastation on his face. But I can’t. I have to be honest with him. He deserves the truth.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I did mean it.”
“Why?”
I open my mouth to give him a crap answer... it’s not you, it’s me. But before I can, he cuts me off.
“Please, tell me the truth.”
I nod and lick my lips. “I’ve been in a relationship for the past year. First Ty, then you, then... you know who... then you again. And I just feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am or what I want outside of a relationship. And I realize that aside from you, Ty, and Toby, I have no friends. I just want to focus on me.”
And even though it’s the truth, it’s a very crappy answer.
“I want to be friends,” I tell Gabe.
He looks at me for a few seconds before responding. “And you are one hundred percent sure?”
I nod.
“Okay,” he says.
Without another word, he leaves my dorm room.
And just like that, Gabe and I are over.
10 p.m.
The exception.
I decide not to post my new relationship status on Staying Connected. Mostly because I’m not ready for everybody to know, yet, especially Ty. I don’t want him thinking the break-up had anything to do with him, because it doesn’t.
I meet Carter in his dorm room at seven. His roommate, Steve, is there. We all three sit around the Xbox, playing Halo. And I pretty much dominate.
Okay, maybe not dominate.
But, I do come in first or second every time.
Carter is really good at Halo. So, he’s hard to beat. And the whole time I’m there, I’m pushing the buttons harder than necessary, trying to beat him. And when I don’t beat him, I feel more frustrated than I care to admit. And when I do beat him, I might do a happy dance.
Okay, I totally do a happy dance.
And I end up tripping over something on the floor and land face first on the hard floor... which makes Carter laugh endlessly.
Steve ends up leaving after losing three matches in a row, not that I blame him.
Just as we finish our tenth match, Carter’s phone goes off. He gets this huge goofy grin on his face and tells me it’s his girlfriend calling.
While we were playing, he told me a little bit about her.
Her name is Julie. He started dating her their sophomore year of high school, and have been inseparable ever since. After graduating high school, Julie wanted to pursue her career as an actress and Carter wanted to go to college. Neither of them wanted to break up, so they decided to do the long distance thing. It sucks, but they see each other as often as they can. It’s very clear they’re in love.
Obviously, Carter thinks Julie is worth fighting for.
So, why didn’t I find Gabe worth fighting for?
“Why are you frowning?” Carter asks me when he gets off the phone.
“I kind of broke up with Gabe,” I say.
“Good. That guy was a douche.”
“He really isn’t,” I defend him. “I don’t know why he was acting the way he did last night. Actually, that’s not like him.”
“You just got to do what makes you happy,” Carter says.
I smile. “You’re right. And you know what makes me happy?”
“What?”
“Beating you at Halo.”
Carter laughs. “Are you just saying that so I’ll let you win?”
I nod. “Is it working?”
“Not a chance,” he says. “So, what about the other guy. The ex.”
“Ty,” I remind him. “And Ty is just my friend. Right now, I am going to focus on me.”
“Besides beating me at Halo, which is never going to happen, what else makes you happy?” he asks. “What is it that you want?”
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.
I think back over the past year of my life. Outside of the guys I dated, I had a lot of stuff going on. Being stalked. Watching people around me get murdered. Losing my best friend because her brother was my stalker... it’s a lot to take in. And the whole time, I was in and out of relationships with all these guys. And really, I had no clue what I wanted. I was just going on feelings. That obviously didn’t work out well for me.
“I think I just want to make friends, date guys, but not seriously, and maybe even have a one-night-stand,” I say. “You know, I’ve only ever been with Gabe.”
“I’ve only ever been with Julie,” he says, grinning.
I sigh. “You have, like, the fairytale romance. But I guess not everybody gets their happy ever after right out of high school.”
“No,” he says. “Julie and I are the exception.”
We play a couple of more rounds of Halo. I win the very last round, which makes me unbelievably happy. After that, I head back to my dorm. Tomorrow starts the first day of class and I’m kind of excited.
Monday, August 27
9 a.m.
What are the odds of us ending up in a sex class together?
I didn’t sign up for any early classes. I’m not much of a morning person, so I decided not to put myself through any unneeded torture. But, I couldn’t sleep well last night, so I get an early start on my day. When I am fully dressed and ready, I realize that my first class doesn’t start for another thirty minutes. I head to the coffee shop to grab a coffee.
Breaking up sucks. I still can’t believe that Gabe and I are really over. Or, at least we are for now. I don’t know what the future holds. But, I will admit, I kind of like being single. I don’t have to answer to anybody but me. I can focus on me. And I like that.
When I get in line, I notice Ty. He’s standing around the counter, coffee in hand. He sees me and walks over.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey.”
I’m waiting for him to say something about my breakup with Gabe, but he doesn’t.
Maybe he doesn’t know.
“Gabe has been moping around. Do you know what that’s about?” he asks.
Wow. So Gabe didn’t tell him.
“Yeah,” I answer. “I kind of broke up with him yesterday.”
Ty’s mouth falls open. “Seriously?”
I nod.
“So, you’re single?”
“Yep,” I say. “And I plan on staying that way for a long time.”
Ty grins. “That is perfectly fine with me. I always knew you and I would make great friends with benefits.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s not happening.”
“Yeah, right. I give you a month, tops,” Ty says.
“You’ve told me a few times that you’re in love with me,” I remind him. “I’m not going to do that. It would just lead you on. And I don’t want to do that, Ty. I don’t want you to think that you and I ever have a shot of being together.”
“I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself,” he says. “I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t think I could handle it. Besides, once I get you into bed, you aren’t going to want anybody else. Ever.”
The girl in front of us turns around and shoots us both a dirty look, then turns back around.
I can’t help but laugh. “Don’t you have class or something?” I ask Ty.
“Not until 9:30,” he says. “Human Sexuality. It’s going to be great.”
My eyes widen. “Oh, my God, really?”
“What?” he asks.
“Is your class with Ms. Helbig?”
Ty nods. “How did you know?”
“Because that’s my class,” I say, suddenly feeling nauseous.
“What are the odds of us ending up in a sex class together?” Ty asks, with a huge smile on his face.
“I have a feeling that this is going to be a very long semester,” I tell him.
Finally, I get to the front of the line. I order my drink and wait for it to be made. Ty, of course, waits with me.
“So, really, ho
w is Gabe doing?” I ask Ty.
“He’ll be fine. Really. He just needs time to adjust,” Ty answers. “Before you moved to Mountain View, Gabe definitely was pretty wild. I figure he will sleep with a couple of sorority girls and then he’ll be fine.”
The thought of Gabe sleeping with another girl makes me feel jealous, but it doesn’t hurt like I thought it would. Which makes me wonder, when did I get over Gabe? I really thought I was in love with him.
Part of me wishes I hadn’t gotten back with him after everything happened with Brian. It was too fast to jump into another relationship. But the other part of me is glad I did. I needed to give us another chance. I didn’t have closure before, and it’s nice to have that now. Hopefully Gabe and I can be friends someday.
Really, if Ty and I can be friends after he cheated on me, Gabe and I can be friends, too.
“Is he mad at me?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” Ty answers. “I didn’t even know that the two of you had broken up. He didn’t say anything about it. And your online status still says in a relationship.”
I sigh. “I guess I should change that.”
I pull out my phone and go onto my Staying Connected app.
I click single.
And just like that, the world knows I’m single.
I get a few notifications.
Courtney Summers: Aww... Y’all were such a cute couple! Best of luck to you both!
Courtney is one of my friends from Mountain View. She was actually the first girl- friend I made at school. She’s a really sweet girl. She’s from Texas, so she has a southern accent. She and her boyfriend, Emmett Avery, are in New York City for school. I’m excited for them both.
She and I grew apart around the time that I started dating Brian. I still hate myself for letting a guy stop me from making friends. And even though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was doing the same thing with Gabe. It’s finally time that I am single for a while. That I make friends.
“Would it be weird if I wanted to have a one night stand?” I ask Ty.
He chokes on his coffee. “Are you serious?”
I nod.
“I seriously never thought I’d hear those words come out of your mouth,” he says.
“Well, what do you think?”
“I’ve had a lot of one night stands,” Ty tells me. “And they’re always very fun. But I’m going to be honest, you’re not the type of girl who should have a one night stand. You’re... I don’t know... you just... deserve more.”
“But what if I don’t want more?” I ask. “What if I just want to have one... or several... nights of really awesome sex?”
Ty laughs. “One night stands can be awesome, but not always. Some people are just awkward in bed. And with you being a girl... well, you won’t always get off. Besides, do you really want to sleep with random guys?”
I wrinkle my nose at the thought. “Not really. It’s kind of gross when you say it like that.”
“Exactly,” Ty agrees. “That’s why you need a friend with benefits. Hot sex. No strings attached. And the friend would get to know your body very well. So you would always be left feeling satisfied.”
I want to roll my eyes at Ty, but I can’t. His words are actually turning me on. And my body is telling me that I need to be friends with Ty.
But I can’t.
Ty is my ex-boyfriend.
He cheated on me.
“I’m not sure how I would feel, having sex with somebody who was having sex with other people,” I tell him.
“That is the beauty of friends with benefits,” he says. “You don’t talk about your other relationships. You could be having guys on the side, too.”
“That sounds so slutty,” I say.
My coffee is done so I grab it from the counter and we walk out of the coffee shop, towards out class. I’m sure that everybody inside the coffee shop is glad we are out of there. This conversation is kind of disturbing.
“You are so not slutty,” Ty says. “You’ve been with one guy. And you’re eighteen. If anybody here is a slut, it’s me.”
“Yeah, but it’s different for a guy.”
“How?” he asks. “It’s just a double standard.”
I can’t help but cringe. “I would just rather keep my number low. And I also don’t want to worry about getting an STD or something.”
“If anybody in the world could have an exclusive friend with benefits, it would be you,” Ty says. “But, just so you know, my offer stands. I would gladly be your friend with benefits. Exclusively, if that’s what it takes.”
My mouth falls open in mock shock. “Ty Newman giving up his bad boy ways for me?”
“I already told you, I’d do anything for you,” he says.
“I just... don’t feel right about it,” I tell him. “I know you say that you can handle being intimate and not letting your feelings get mixed up, but what if you can’t? I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I deserve it after hurting you,” he says.
He did hurt me.
But I hurt him too.
The same night that Ty and I broke up, I had sex with Gabe. I still regret that decision to this day.
When I look back at my relationships, I feel stupid for the way I acted. Though, I am telling myself that I was young. I had a lot of growing and learning to do. I still can’t believe that it’s only been four months since everything went down with Brian. It seems like a lot longer. I’m a completely different person now than I was then.
“You don’t deserve that. You deserve to be happy,” I say. “I want you to be happy.”
“Kihanna, I am happy just being your friend. No matter what that entails,” Ty says. “Just having you in my life is enough.”
“Thanks. You mean a lot to me.”
“So, tonight there is another sorority party,” Ty says.
“On a Monday night?”
“Yep. You want to go?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Maybe this time I’ll actually get a chance to talk to people. Last time, Gabe got really jealous and wanted to leave early.”
“I promise I won’t get jealous,” Ty says.
“Good.”
We get to class and take a seat in the middle.
One thing is certain—this class is going to be very interesting.
8 p.m.
There is this girl.
Classes were not what I expected. It’s not anything like high school. Like, at all. If you need to go to the bathroom, you just go. No pass needed. If you want to text, the teachers don’t care. I guess they figure if you want to waste your time in their class, it’s up to you.
Also, there was no first day of school slack. I have homework. Or had. I already did it. Since I’m going to go to a sorority party with Ty tonight, I decided that I should get my work done early. I hate procrastinating. And now I won’t have to stress about finishing my homework last minute.
Tomorrow, I don’t have a class until noon, so I can stay out as late as I want tonight.
While I’m waiting for Ty to come pick me up for the party, I check my Staying Connected. I have a ton of comments on my relationship change status. It seems everybody has something to say about the fact that I’m single. Not that it’s any of their business.
Libby Johnson: I hope you two work things out.
Veronica Evers: I’m so sorry, Kihanna. If you need anything, let me know.
I roll my eyes.
Why does everybody assume that I’m in a dark corner crying? We broke up, but I’m not crippled because of it. I’m fine. In fact, I’m more than fine. I’m happy. I feel free. Though, I guess that should tell me something right there. If Gabe and I truly were meant to be, I wouldn’t be so happy about the break up.
Toby Anderson: Do what makes you happy, little sis.
Ty Newman: Kihanna, you are my new wingman... or woman... whatever. We are going to have SO MUCH FUN! And you will see, being single isn’t so bad.
Gabe Johnson: Dude, I thought I was
going to be your wingman!
Ty Newman: Gabe, you don’t need a wingman. The ladies will be all over you now that you’re single.
Me: Ty, I’ll totally be your wing woman. As long as you repay the favor when I need a wingman. And Gabe... Ty is right. Those sorority girls are going to love you.
There is a knock on my door, so I shut my laptop.
Ty is standing on the other side. He’s dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a nice t-shirt.
I am also dressed casually. I’m wearing a pair of yellow skinny jeans and a black shirt that says Staying Connected on it. Yes, I am happily advertising my dad’s website. Mostly because I didn’t know what else to wear. I just grabbed this.
“Nice shirt,” he says, laughing. “You ready?”
I grab my iPhone from my bed, slide it into my pocket, and then follow Ty out the door. Since neither of us want to drive tonight, we walk to the party. It’s only a fifteen minute walk, not bad.
“Don’t leave the party without me,” Ty says. “I’ll walk you back to your dorm.”
“What if I meet a guy that I want to hang out with?” I ask.
“Come find me first,” he says. “Depending on your level of intoxication, I will either approve or deny.”
I roll my eyes. “Whatever. You get drunk and fuck all the time.”
Ty’s mouth falls open. “You just said fuck.”
“I did.”
“It’s weird. You hardly ever cuss,” he says.
“And you do all the time. So, you’re definitely rubbing off on me.”
“I’d like to rub off in...”
I cut him off. “Ew, Ty.”
He just laughs.
When we get to the party, the music is loud and everybody is dancing. A lot of people already look intoxicated or else they probably wouldn’t be dancing like that. I decide to steer clear of alcohol for the night, because alcohol and I don’t go well together.