by Louis Sachar
“For real?” asked Todd. “You want us to tell you to stop talking?”
“And we won’t get in trouble?” asked Bebe.
“No, of course not,” said Mrs. Drazil. “You’ll be helping me and the rest of your class. You’re not going to learn anything if you’re bored.”
“Cool!” said Terrence.
“Oh, I suppose when I first started teaching, I used to be a little more strict,” said Mrs. Drazil. “I even worried about things like whether my students had clean fingernails or if their shirts were tucked in.” She laughed. “But times have changed. I’ve changed. Besides, the kids were a lot worse back then. At least some of them.”
For just a second her sweet face turned sour as she looked at her notebook on her desk.
Then she smiled again. “I believe teaching requires mutual cooperation. I will cooperate with you, and you need to cooperate with me. If we work together, we will have a very enjoyable learning experience.”
Her face turned sour again. “But if you cross me, you will be very, very sorry.” She ran her fingers over her blue notebook. “Oh, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday I will get you! You can run, but you can’t hide.”
She smiled. “Okay, let’s get started.”
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Chapter 14
A Light Bulb, a Pencil Sharpener, a Coffeepot, and a Sack of Potatoes
“Galileo was a great scientist,” said Mrs. Drazil. “He was born in Italy in 1564 and died in 1642. He was the first person to use a telescope to study the stars. And he also helped figure out the laws of gravity.”
“Oh, I know about gravity,” said Joe. “Mrs. Jewls pushed a computer out the window. It fell a lot faster than a pencil.”
“I don’t think so,” said Mrs. Drazil. “Galileo proved that all objects fall at the same speed. He conducted a very famous experiment. He dropped lots of different objects off the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy. It was built in—”
Todd raised his hand. “You’re getting a little boring,” he said.
“Oh, my goodness, am I?” asked Mrs. Drazil.
Rondi, Leslie, Paul, and Calvin nodded their heads.
“I’m sorry,” said Mrs. Drazil. She thought a moment. “I know!” she exclaimed. “Let’s do the experiment here!”
The children cheered. They loved experiments.
Mrs. Drazil rubbed her hands together. “Let’s see. We’ll need a coffeepot, a pencil sharpener, a light bulb, and …” She thought a moment. “We need something heavy.”
“An elephant’s heavy,” said Benjamin.
“There are no elephants in Wayside School,” said Mrs. Drazil.
Everyone laughed.
“How about a sack of potatoes?” asked Ron. “I bet Miss Mush has one.”
“Go see,” said Mrs. Drazil.
“There’s a coffeepot down in the office,” said Stephen.
“Go get it,” said Mrs. Drazil.
“If I had a screwdriver, I could get the pencil sharpener off the wall,” said Eric Fry.
“I’ve got a screwdriver!” said Jenny.
“Can we use a fluorescent light bulb?” asked Bebe. She looked up at the ceiling.
“I guess so,” said Mrs. Drazil.
“How do I get it?” asked Bebe.
“You’re the scientist,” said Mrs. Drazil. “You figure it out.”
Bebe put her chair on top of her desk and stood on it. She still couldn’t reach the ceiling. “Hey, Benjamin, let me have your chair!”
She put Benjamin’s chair on top of hers, but she still wasn’t tall enough.
Calvin dumped the wastepaper basket onto the floor. “Try this,” he said.
Bebe turned the trash can upside down and put it on top of Benjamin’s chair. Then she climbed on top, but she still couldn’t quite reach.
Leslie brought the class dictionary. Jenny and Dana donated their math books. Sharie grabbed Mrs. Drazil’s old blue notebook.
“Put that down!” yelled Mrs. Drazil. “Right now!”
Sharie dropped the notebook. Mrs. Drazil’s kindly old face had suddenly turned mean.
“Don’t ever touch that again!” Mrs. Drazil ordered.
Sharie returned, trembling, to her seat.
Everyone was staring at Mrs. Drazil. She smiled sweetly. “Go back to what you were doing,” she said.
Jason threw Bebe his lunch box. She set it on top of the books, then climbed on top. Standing on her tiptoes, she was able to pull the cover off the fluorescent light. She grabbed the light just as the pile collapsed beneath her.
She fell to the ground, triumphantly holding the unbroken light bulb high above her head.
Ron returned with a sack of potatoes from Miss Mush.
Stephen returned with Mr. Kidswatter’s coffeepot.
Eric Fry unscrewed the pencil sharpener from the wall.
Mrs. Drazil wrote “Coffeepot,” “Sack of Potatoes,” “Pencil Sharpener,” and “Light Bulb” on the blackboard.
“We’re going to drop all four objects out the window at the same time,” she said. “How many people think the coffeepot will hit the ground first?”
“Is there coffee in it?” asked John.
“It’s about half full,” Stephen reported.
Eight kids thought the coffeepot would hit the ground first. Sixteen thought the sack of potatoes would hit the ground first. Three thought the light bulb would be first. Only Terrence thought the pencil sharpener would hit first.
Jason, Jenny, Joe, John, and Joy were the judges. Mrs. Drazil sent them outside.
Stephen held the coffeepot out one window.
Bebe held the light bulb out another.
Eric Fry held the pencil sharpener out another.
And Ron held out the sack of potatoes.
Everyone else crowded around to watch. With everyone on the same side of the classroom, the school leaned a little bit, just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
“On your mark. … Get set. … Let go!” said Mrs. Drazil.
The objects fell through the air and smashed against the pavement.
A short while later, the judges returned. Their clothes were splattered with coffee. Jenny had bits of potatoes in her hair.
“Was the pencil sharpener first?” asked Terrence.
“It happened so fast,” said Joe. “They all hit about the same time.”
“But the coffeepot made the coolest explosion,” said Jason.
“I think the light bulb hit the ground last,” said John.
“Well, that’s possible,” said Mrs. Drazil. “Gravity causes all objects to fall at the same rate. But air slows them down. That’s called air resistance. And that’s good. Otherwise raindrops would kill us. Air resistance slows all things down a little bit, but it has a greater effect on very light objects, such as a piece of paper. And of course the shape of the paper is important too. A crumpled-up piece of paper will fall faster than—”
“You’re getting boring again,” said Mac.
Mrs. Drazil stopped talking.
“Now we need a new pencil sharpener,” said Leslie.
Paul licked her ear.
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Chapter 15
An Elephant in Wayside School
The bell rang for recess, and the children exploded out of the building.
Louis, the yard teacher, was ready with a big pile of red and green balls.
The kids called, “Hi, Louis!” and “Over here, Louis!” as he tossed the balls to them: over his shoulder, behind his back, through his legs.
Deedee came charging out of the building. Usually by the time she got to the playground, there were no good balls left,
but she could see one red ball by Louis’s foot.
She knocked over a kid from the tenth floor and shouted, “Hey, Lou—”
Suddenly she stopped.
She had just remembered where she’d heard of Mrs. Drazil.
It was from Louis! He had once told her about the meanest teacher he’d ever had when he was a kid.
She hurried over to her friends to make sure. “Hey, Todd!” she called.
Todd was playing tetherball with Ron. As he turned to look at Deedee, the ball came around and bonked him on the head.
“Do you remember when Louis told us about the meanest teacher he ever had?” asked Deedee.
Todd shook his head. After being conked by the tetherball, he couldn’t remember anything.
“I remember,” said Jason, who was in line to play. “Whenever Louis got in trouble, the teacher used to put the wastepaper basket on his head!”
“That’s right!” said Jenny. “And then Louis would have to keep it there the rest of the day. And everyone would laugh at him. And then the teacher would call on him to answer questions from the blackboard, but he couldn’t see the questions, so she’d give him an F!”
“Do you remember the teacher’s name?” asked Deedee.
Her friends shook their heads. Todd couldn’t even remember his own name.
“I think it was Mrs. Drazil,” said Deedee.
They ran to Louis.
“Hey, Louis!” said Jason. “What was the name of that mean teacher you once had when you were a kid?”
“Which one?” asked Louis.
“The one that put the trash can on your head,” said Jenny.
Louis shuddered just thinking about her. “Mrs. Drazil,” he whispered.
The kids looked at each other.
“What color hair did she have?” asked Jason.
“Brown,” said Louis. “Why?”
“We have a substitute teacher,” explained Deedee. “She’s real nice.”
“Good,” said Louis.
“Her name is Mrs. Drazil,” said Deedee.
“Whoa, I’m getting out of here,” said Louis. He started to run, but the kids grabbed him.
“It’s okay,” said Jenny. “It can’t be the same teacher. Our teacher is nice.”
“And her hair isn’t brown,” said Jason. “It’s white.”
Louis relaxed a little bit.
“You want to come up and meet her?” asked Deedee.
“No way!” said Louis.
“Oh, you’re so silly, Louis,” said Deedee. “She’s not the same teacher. And besides, you’re a teacher now too.”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot,” said Louis.
“C’mon, Louis,” said Deedee. She held his hand and led him up the stairs.
They entered the classroom.
Mrs. Drazil was putting some of the children’s work on the bulletin board.
“Mrs. Drazil,” said Deedee. “We brought our yard teacher up to meet you.”
“It’s very nice to meet you,” said Mrs. Drazil as she pinned up Joe’s arithmetic test. “Exercise is so important for young minds and bodies.” She turned around.
Louis’s face paled. “Well, it was nice to meet you,” he said very quickly. “I’ve gotta go. Bye!”
“Stay right where you are, Louis!” ordered Mrs. Drazil.
He froze.
Mrs. Drazil slowly walked to her desk. She picked up the old blue notebook.
“The notebook!” whispered Louis.
Mrs. Drazil opened it and flipped through the pages. “Here we are,” she said. She removed a piece of paper and handed it to Louis. “Is this your homework?” she asked.
Louis looked at it.
“You were supposed to copy it over, weren’t you?” asked Mrs. Drazil.
“That was over fifteen years ago,” said Louis. “I don’t remember.”
“I do,” said Mrs. Drazil.
“Oh, now I remember!” said Louis. “I was going to copy it over. But then my pencil point broke, so I went to sharpen it, but the pencil sharpener fell on my foot, so I had to go to the hosp—”
“I don’t want any of your famous excuses, Louis,” said Mrs. Drazil. “I just want the homework. You may share Deedee’s desk.”
Louis sat next to Deedee.
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“And remember, Louis,” said Mrs. Drazil. “I know your tricks.”
Deedee watched Louis struggle with his homework. “Sorry, Louis,” she said.
“Don’t be sorry,” said Mrs. Drazil. “It’s for his own good. And I expect neatness, Louis, or else you’ll just have to do it again.”
He frowned.
Mrs. Drazil stood over him and watched him work. “Your fingernails are filthy,” she said.
“I’m the yard teacher,” Louis tried to explain. “I spend a lot of time outside, in the grass and dirt and stuff.”
“I don’t want excuses,” said Mrs. Drazil. “I want clean fingernails. And while you’re at it, shave off that mustache. It looks like a hairy caterpillar crawling across your face!”
“Not my mustache,” said Louis.
“Unless you want me to rip it off for you,” said Mrs. Drazil.
Deedee felt terrible. “I can’t believe Mrs. Drazil still remembers you after all this time,” she said.
“An elephant never forgets,” muttered Louis.
“I heard that,” said Mrs. Drazil. She put the wastepaper basket on Louis’s head.
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Chapter 16
Mr. Poop
Joy, Maurecia, and Jenny were playing jump rope out on the playground. School hadn’t started yet.
Maurecia and Jenny were twirling. Joy sang as she jumped:
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“My mama wore pajamas to the grocery store.
She smashed a bunch of eggs on the grocery floor.
One dozen, two dozen, four dozen, six.
She dumped a bunch of jelly jars into the mix.
Grape jelly, apricot, don’t forget cherry.
Orange marmalade and wild strawberry.
A man walked by and fell in the glop.
He slid next door to the barber shop.
His icky-sticky body got covered in hair.
He tore a hole in his under—”
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Joy tripped over the rope. It wasn’t her fault. Maurecia had suddenly stopped twirling.
“Hey!” said Joy. “What’s the big idea?”
“Look!” said Maurecia.
A very handsome stranger was walking toward them.
The girls stared at him.
“Good morning, Maurecia,” said the stranger. “Jenny. Joy.”
“How do you know my name?” Maurecia asked nervously. She wasn’t supposed to talk to strangers.
“I’ve known you a long time,” said the stranger. “I see you almost every day.”
Maurecia was beginning to feel scared. She looked around for Louis, the yard teacher, but didn’t see him. “I can scream real loud,” she warned.
“Oh my gosh!” said Jenny. “It’s Louis!”
Maurecia looked at the stranger. He did sort of look like Louis.
Except his hair was combed. His shirt was tucked in. He was wearing a tie. And there was skin between his nose and mouth.
He had shaved off his mustache.
“That’s Mr. Louis to you,” said Louis. “I’m a teacher, and I expect to be treated with respect.”
“You want to play jump rope, uh, Mr. Louis?” asked Maurecia.
Louis was great at jump rope. He could even do it blindfolded. He was the one who taught Joy the song she was singing at the beginning of this st
ory.
“No, thank you, Maurecia,” said Louis. “I don’t play games. I’m an adult.”
“But you’re a yard teacher,” said Jenny.
“No, I’m a Professional Playground Supervisor,” Louis corrected her. He walked away.
“Wow!” whispered Maurecia. “I never knew Louis was so handsome!”
Jenny patted her heart. “I think I’m in love,” she said.
“I thought he looked kind of goofy,” said Joy.
Up in class, everyone was talking about the new Louis.
“He looks so weird without his mustache,” said Calvin.
“He’s handsome!” said Bebe.
“He got mad at me for running across the blacktop,” complained John. “He made me go all the way back to the edge of the blacktop, then walk across it. And I had to call him Mr. Louis.”
“I am very proud of Louis,” said Mrs. Drazil. “He has always been a troublemaker. But I think he is trying to be good. We should all give him a chance.”
Joy stared at Mrs. Drazil. It’s your fault, she thought. You made him shave off his mustache.
At recess, Louis refused to pass out the balls.
“I haven’t washed them yet,” he said.
“You’re going to wash the balls?” asked Eric Bacon.
“They’re filthy,” said Louis. “And they all have the wrong amount of air in them.”
“I don’t care,” said Eric Fry.
“I do,” said Louis. “Before I can let you play with them, I have to clean them and pump them up with the precise amount of air as specified by POOPS.”
“POOPS?” asked Eric Ovens.
“The Professional Organization Of Playground Supervisors,” explained Louis.
He showed them the POOPS handbook.
“Well, what are we supposed to do?” asked Eric Fry.
“Just play and have fun,” said Louis. “But remember, stay off the grass. No running on the blacktop. No eating. And no excessive shouting.”
The three Erics walked away. “What a booger brain!” muttered Eric Bacon.
Louis heard him.
“That’s Mr. Booger Brain to you, young man,” he said.