by Tyler, Q. B.
“Just not you…”
“You’ll find someone, Alli…that looks at you like that.” She doesn’t say anything for a moment and I’m left wondering if this conversation is about to take an ugly turn. “Please don’t hate me.”
She lets out a breath and stands up. I can see the hurt written all over her face still, but I also see her guard sliding up. “Well, will you at least come out tonight? I don’t want to tell all my friends I just got dumped.”
“Al—” I want to tell her I don’t care because all I want is to curl up in bed with Leighton and make love to her until the sun rises, but maybe I owe this to Alli.
“Please, Everett! You promised you’d go with me. I don’t want to be the only loser without a date.”
“You’re not a loser, and I’m fairly certain a lot of your friends are single.” Not to mention a fraternity-sorority mixer is probably the perfect place to find a new guy.
“Everett! I haven’t asked you for much…and you’re breaking up with me for another girl. I’m just asking that you give me tonight.” Her eyes plead, almost begging.
“I’m not going to pretend we’re together. No kissing, no touching, Alli. We’re not together,” I tell her. The last thing I need is to put up some ridiculous charade and having it get back to Leighton that we were all over each other at some party.
Fuck that.
“Fine, Everett.” She doesn’t say anything before she’s through her bedroom door and out of sight.
This did seem to be a pretty amicable break up. I had expected Alli to throw things and pitch a fit and possibly hit me; it could have been a lot worse.
What’s a few drinks at a frat house?
Holy fucking shit, everything hurts.
The throbbing behind my eyes is exacerbated by the fact that I’m seconds from puking. My stomach rolls the second I move my head, and I freeze as I wait for the nausea to pass. Fuck, I’m hungover. I try to move to my side, knowing that I always feel worse when I’m lying on my back and manage to knock into someone. “Fuck,” I grumble. “Leighton.” I want to cuddle up to her despite my hangover, and I frown when everything feels…different. Her hair feels different and her skin—bare skin that I know as well as I know my own feels foreign.
I open one eye and they almost fly out of my skull when I see who’s in bed next to me.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I look around realizing I’m in Alli’s bedroom and Alli is in bed right next to me, sleeping peacefully. I shut my eyes and pray it’s a dream, but when I open them, I’m still in this hellish nightmare.
“WHAT THE FUCK?!” I yell as I sit up so quick it spurs my nausea. But the hangover doesn’t have anything on the fact that I am currently naked in bed with a woman that is not Leighton Mills.
“Oh my God, owwww,” Alli moans as her eyes flutter open. “Jesus, Everett, loud much?” She sits up and I realize that she is also naked when her sheet falls below her chest.
“What the fuck, Alli!” I’m off the bed and pulling on my boxers that I find on the floor next to the bed.
She puts her hands over her eyes and groans. “What do you mean, what the fuck?”
“Why are we in bed together? What the fuck am I doing here?” I wrack my brain as I try to remember what the hell happened last night that would have led me here, but I don’t remember much after leaving Alli’s pregame. “What happened?”
“We got fucked up.” She chuckles. “We did a lot of shots.”
“Bullshit. I think I had one beer at your pregame and one Jell-O shot.”
“But you drank a ton at the frat.” Why the fuck would I do that? I find my jeans and reach for my phone. I’m fucking irate when I can’t find it. When’s the last time I talked to Leighton?
“Where’s my phone, Alli?” I snarl.
“I don’t know! And you’re really on one hundred right now. I’m going to need you to tone it down.” She closes her eyes and rubs her temples.
“Focus! What happened when we got back here?”
“Well…I think that’s obvious, no?” She looks under the sheet and then points at me and then back to her naked body.
Her implications blare in my mind and my heart begins to pound. “We did not have sex,” I grit out. I don’t know if I’m trying to ignore the writing on the wall or hold onto hope that things aren’t what they seem, but the look on Alli’s face proves that I’m only kidding myself.
“Yeah…Everett, we did.”
Leighton’s sweet smile flashes through my mind. Her writhing underneath me yesterday after we decided to finally take that step that both of us have wanted for far too long. Her whispering in my ear that she loved me just as she came around my cock. I wouldn’t fuck that up. “No. I…I wouldn’t have done that. There’s no way.”
“Really? A naked woman in bed with you, and you’d turn it down?”
“Unless you miraculously became Leighton, yeah. I would have,” I growl, and her eyebrows shoot to her hairline.
“You were cheating on me with her, weren’t you?”
“What the fuck was your first clue?” I snap. I’m lashing out and I know it. I’m angry. Livid. Pissed. Not to mention violently hungover. I wanted to destroy everyone because I know the second Leighton learns the truth it will destroy us both.
She lets her head fall and shakes it slowly and I start to regret blurting out my confession. “I’m so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid, Alli. You’re just not her.”
“Well, clearly last night your dick didn’t care.”
Bile rises in my throat and I swallow it down. No. I wouldn’t cheat on Leigh. Never. I pull my shirt on and grab my jacket. “Fuck this. I don’t believe you.” I shake my head and run a hand through my hair.
“What?” She purses her lips.
I put a hand on my forehead to try and quiet the roaring headache that’s getting worse by the second. “That we fucked? I don’t buy it.”
“I mean it’s kind of obvious, Everett. I think you’re in denial.”
“I wouldn’t…I couldn’t do that to her.” I hear the pleading in my voice, and I wonder who I’m trying to convince. Her or me.
Fire burns in her eyes and if looks could kill, I’d be a dead man. “But you could do it to me?” She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “You know what? This nice guy shit you put on is all an act. So maybe you should drop it now.” She climbs off the bed without a stitch of clothing and pulls on a t-shirt. “Now, get out of my house.”
The sound of my bedroom door closing pulls me out of my sleep. For a moment, I’m disoriented and I immediately reach for Everett, as I assume, he slipped into my bed after he was done playing nice with Alli.
Thank God, he’s done with her.
I frown when I feel cool sheets under my fingertips, and I sit up slightly as the post slumber fog dissipates. I quickly remember what happened just before I closed my eyes and feelings of uneasiness ghost over my skin.
Everett’s phone was off.
He’d stopped answering my texts halfway through the night and I never heard from him again. Now, it wasn’t unheard of for his phone to die, but he knew my number as well as he knew his own, so he’d always found a way to contact me when that happened.
As soon as I sit up completely, my eyes find him sitting at my desk facing my bed but staring at the floor. His shoulders are slumped and his face is sad, defeated almost. Like the time our high school lacrosse team lost the state championship. He barely talked to anyone for weeks. Even me.
“Hey,” I whisper. “What are you doing all the way over there?”
His eyes meet mine. They’re vacant and lifeless and I watch as he closes them slowly and rests his elbows on his legs. He swallows before his gaze meets mine slowly. “I just got you… and…” He clears his throat. “Leigh, I fucked up…I think.”
Fearing the worst, I pull my blankets up around my chest as I try to protect myself from whatever he has to tell me. I’m suddenly freezing, goosebumps pop up everywhere, and I f
eel the tears prickling in my eyes. I feel like someone’s standing on my chest and my heart might beat out of it with how hard and fast it’s pounding.
He wouldn’t. He said he wouldn’t break us. He promised.
“Go on…”
“I don’t know, Leigh. Something happened…” He rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t really know what exactly.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” I snap. The goosebumps have turned to full blown shivers, and now I feel my hands shaking beneath the blanket preparing for what he has to say.
“I…I woke up this morning and I…I was so fucked up last night, Leigh. Like drunker than the night of Brian’s graduation party.”
That night is a huge blur. I have flashes of him fucking me against Brian’s father’s two hundred-thousand-dollar Maserati and then puking my guts out into his mother’s rose garden. Everett and I woke up the next morning on a completely deflated air mattress we must have popped in the night with hangovers that would go on to last two days. For him to say it was worse than that, means I may not even want to know what he has to tell me.
Yes, you do. Call it morbid curiosity.
Or maybe ignorance really is bliss?
Anxiety grips my throat and I feel like I can’t speak. “Do…do I have to know?” I choke out.
“I’d rather you hear it from me than…anyone else.” He looks down at his hands before looking up at me sadly.
“So, there’s something to…” I swallow the tears that are forming in my throat. “…know.” I let out a breath. “Just tell me you didn’t sleep with her.”
“I…”
I’ll kill him. He hasn’t fucked her this whole time, and NOW he decides to? After what happened between us yesterday? “Everett.” My lip trembles and I shake my head. “You didn’t.”
“I…I don’t know.” He drops his head into his hands. “I woke up this morning and we were both naked, and I…” I don’t bother to listen to the rest before I’m off the bed and rushing into the bathroom. I hear him moving behind me, but I slam my door in his face before he can follow me inside.
“GET OUT!” I scream through the door.
“Leigh…baby, please don’t do this. Just talk to me.” Talk? Talk about fucking what?
“No, GO!” I pound my fist against my door. “GO. I fucking mean it, Everett. I want you out of my house.”
“I don’t remember anything, Leigh!” I hear him say, and his voice sounds defeated, but I’m too angry to care. Why would he do this? How could he do this?… To me? “I can’t say for sure, and Alli says we did, but I don’t buy it. I was so fucking trashed last night. I don’t remember anything!”
I fling the door open so hard I’m surprised I don’t pull it off the hinges. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? Does that excuse everything? What? I’m just supposed to be so madly in love with you that I don’t need to hold you accountable for acting like a drunk fucking asshole?” I shove him hard, though he barely moves an inch. “I HATE YOU!”
His face looks like I’ve just destroyed him with those three words.
Good. We’re even now.
Hardly.
“Leigh, baby, just…listen to me, please. I love you. I’ve always loved you. You know I wouldn’t do this…I would never hurt you.”
“What do you call this?” I yell as I let out a breath. I shake my head, my body finally succumbing to the pain as the tears slide down my cheeks. “I used to see you as this person that would never hurt me. But this? This is bullshit. If you loved me you never would have allowed yourself to be in this situation. Why the hell were you even in bed with her? Why would you agree to go to her room? How…how could you do this to me? To us?” Her questions are coming in rapid fire, and I don’t know what to say or how to explain that will make this easier. That will make all of this go away.
“I…I don’t know, Leigh. But you know me…” He grabs my hand and puts it over his heart before I can wriggle out of his grasp. “You know I’d die before I hurt you.”
“Well, I guess I’ll start planning your funeral.” I spit out before I snatch my hand away. I wipe the tears from my eyes and take a few steps away from him. “I should have known this would happen.” I shake my head. “How you get him is how you lose him. I just never imagined I’d lose you on the night I got you.”
His arms are gripping my biceps hard the second the words leave my lips. “You’re not allowed to throw that shit in my face. You’re not allowed to hold that over my head like I could ever be capable of doing to you what I did to Alli or any girl that I’ve TRIED to entertain while I deal with my feelings for you. That’s not fair and you know it.”
Fair? He’s telling me what’s not fair? “What’s not fair is you telling me you love me and then hooking up with some other girl the same night!”
“I don’t know that I hooked up with her, Leigh.”
Does he think I’m stupid? “Bullshit. You two were both naked? Something happened.”
He runs a hand through that silky, gorgeous head of blonde hair that I wish I was pulling on as he plowed into me. No, Leighton. “I can’t…I can’t say one way or the other. But I came to you. I could have lied. I could have tried to keep it from you.”
“And if Alli wasn’t such a vindictive cunt that is probably chomping at the bit as we speak to get to me, you probably would have kept it from me. You knew Alli would blow your cover. Don’t try to pretend that you’re telling me because you’re trying to do the right thing, Everett.” I snort.
“It is! When have I ever lied to you? About anything!” The words explode out of him.
“I don’t know, you tell me?”
“Look,” he growls, “I get you’re pissed, and rightfully so, but don’t be childish.”
“I’M BEING CHILDISH?”
“Yes, Leighton, you are. You know damn well I’ve never lied to you. Ever.” His voice is hard and cold and for a full minute, I swear neither of us blinks as we hold each other’s gazes. Finally, I look away.
“Fine.” I move towards my bedroom door and open it. “I still need you to leave.”
“Wh—what?” He takes a step back and a part of me hopes that he doesn’t try to fight me on staying. That he gives me the space I need. Hell, that he probably needs too.
“I need you to go.” My voice wavers, lacking conviction, and I know all it will take is one “Leighton,” for me to let him stay. I’m not strong enough for this.
As if he can hear my thoughts, I feel his hand on my cheek. “Leighton…”
Be strong. Don’t let him suck you in. “No!” I cry, the tears sliding down my face and I push his hands away. “No…you…you have to go. I need time. I need space.”
“From me? Leighton, she doesn’t mean anything. I told you that.” His voice is pleading and I know I need him to go before that tiny voice in the back of my mind that is begging me to believe him starts to get louder. I needed space away from him to clear my thoughts and I can’t do that while his blue eyes are staring into my soul like he knows every inch of it.
“It doesn’t matter, Everett. You told me you weren’t going to break us. You promised! And you did on the first fucking night.”
“Please, baby…just…can we get past this? Tell me what I can do, I’ll do anything,” he pleads.
“There’s nothing you can do, Everett. And I don’t know if we can.” I shake my head as I avoid his gaze. “I’ll call you.”
“When?”
“When I figure it out. When…it doesn’t hurt so much.” I close my eyes and smell his cologne in my personal space. “Please…don’t.” I back up against the door, but I feel his presence surrounding me.
“Look at me, baby.”
“No…please,” I whimper and I hate the sound of my voice. I sound so pitiful and weak.
I hate it.
I hate him.
I hate myself.
“Please,” he whispers and I can feel his breath on my lips. “I’m so sorry I did this.” My eyes op
en and I feel the gaping hole in my heart constrict. “Tell me how to fix it.” His hands cup my cheeks and I let myself melt into him. If I were stronger, I’d push him away. But I just want to pretend this isn’t a problem. I want to pretend that this won’t be lurking in the corners of my mind every time he doesn’t answer my text or any time he’s out without me. For a second, I just want to be Leighton and Everett, two people that have loved each other for so long and can finally be together.
I don’t want to be strong; I just want him to love me.
It’s unfair, really. For the world to dangle him in front of me like this only to rip him away in such a cruel manner. I hadn’t known karma to come back around that quickly. That’s what this is, right? Karma? I slept with Alli’s man, so she slept with mine?
“I don’t know that you can fix this, Everett.” I look up into his eyes the color of the ocean and the pain reflected in them mirrors mine. “Please…just go.”
His shoulders sag with defeat. “Call me…please, Leigh.”
I don’t say anything as I watch him head down the stairs slowly. I wait until I hear my front door close before I drop to the floor and a sob so loud and painful rips through me.
“Fuck him, seriously,” Peyton White, my other roommate, says as she props her feet up on our coffee table. “And seriously fuck him for making me cut my Georgetown weekend short. Those Beta Pi guys sure know how to party.” She takes a sip of the rosé straight from the bottle before passing it to me. I’d summoned both her and Skyler home with an SOS the second I managed to pull myself off the floor, and in true best friend form, they both came running. Despite the fact that Skyler had a romantic weekend planned with Aidan, and Peyton probably had a similar weekend planned with an entire fraternity, they came when I called.
Skyler enters the room with a second bottle of wine, a pint of ice cream, and at least two blankets under her arm. “We don’t know for sure that he slept with her and if he was that drunk then he more than likely had whiskey dick…” I shoot her a glare. “IF they even tried anything!”