by Xavier Neal
When my tears finally subside, Nadie offers to make me breakfast to allow more grieving to occur. The two of us relocate to the kitchen where I flop down in one of the chairs at the table. Trying to shake away the dazed feeling, I pull my legs underneath me in the seat. Through the process of grabbing pans, Nadie attempts to pry, but at the same time tries not to cross any lines.
Should it matter now if I confess everything? Ben's gone. I'll be married to Merrick in a couple days. Why not just let it all out? What's the big risk now?
Still cautious as if a court reporter is going to read back my answers to me to be used in sentencing, I slowly give more details than I have in the past about my relationship with Merrick. Just as I open my mouth to answer one of the questions I had been avoiding before now, my father storms around the corner.
Right. That's why.
“Good morning, Nick,” Nadie warmly greets him.
He tugs at his tie. “Is it?”
“You're alive aren't you?”
Her words hit me square in the chest like she intended. I slump over again.
Suspiciously he looks at her. “Why would you use that phrase this morning? This morning in particular.”
“What's this morning?”
“The morning after one of those street racing thugs we've been fighting against died.”
Hearing him talk about Ben so carelessly causes my eyes to shut.
I know. I know. I gotta keep it together.
Nadie doesn't reply at first. Instead all I hear is the soft sizzle of bacon. After what feels like a life time passes, she questions, “Which one?”
“Ben McCoy.” His name isn't what pops my eyes back open. It's Nadie's gasp. She's a smart woman and by the look of shock on her face, she's put the entire puzzle together.
I was leading the conversation that direction...
Dad turns his attention to me. “Remember, I told you and Hayli to stay away from him?”
A sharp breath comes out of me, but I don't answer.
I can't. I can't keep this up.
“Another reason why. Dead at 23 from reckless driving.” He shakes his head. “I should be grateful with one less of his kind off the road but-”
Unconsciously I snap, “Don't talk about him like that.”
My father slowly approaches me, his full attention now on me.
Not well done, Jovi. Not well done at all. Why didn't you stop me?
“Excuse me?”
“Maybe we should just have breakfast,” Nadie speaks up loudly. “Bacon's ready. Waffles are warm.”
He doesn't fall for her distraction tactics. “What did you say to me, Jo'?”
I meekly repeat myself, “Don't talk about him like that.” Shaking my head I fight more tears. “You didn't know him.”
“You didn't either.”
Mindlessly I confess, “I did.”
His voice booms, “What?”
With a shrug I answer, “I did. I knew him and as much as it kills you to know that, it should kill you more to know you're not right about him.”
He scoffs, “Not right about him? I've got stacks of police reports about him!”
“There's more to a person than paperwork, Dad!”
“Are you yelling at me?”
“Are you listening to me?” I shout again. “Ben McCoy was a friend.”
“Friend? Did you really just say he was a friend?”
“Yes. A friend. I know you didn't approve of him.”
“I told you to stay away from him!”
“And I didn't listen.” I do my best to ignore the sting of betrayal in his eyes. “I don't give a shit how unhappy that makes you or however it is you wanna punish me for it, but the least you can do right now is just give a fuck that he mattered to me and stop being so fucking careless about the way you're talking about him! He wasn't just a case! He was a person! He was important! He mattered!”
My father's mouth drops open, but he doesn't argue.
Oh I could've handled that better. I didn't have to yell and cuss at him. What's wrong with me?
“Can we just eat?” Nadie softly suggests bringing food to the table. “I think it would be better to talk about all this on a full stomach.”
In a soft whisper I declare, “I'm not hungry.”
“You have to eat something. A funeral on an empty stomach is not a good idea.”
“Funeral?” He sharply snaps. His eyes shift to Nadie. “You knew she was friends with him? You knew and didn't tell me?”
Nadie defends herself, “Not until this morning-”
I stand up. “It wasn't her business any more than it was yours.”
“N-n-n-ot my business,” he stutters. “Not my business?”
“No. It wasn't.”
“Who my daughter associates with is my business!”
“Maybe if I was still that twelve year old girl who had to answer to you for my every move, but not now.”
Who would've thought all it would take was death to encourage me to stand my ground with him.
“It doesn't matter if you're 12 or 21 or 41! I am your father Jovi. Who you surround yourself with is my business!”
“I'm not in a prison cell. You're not the warden. It's only your business if I make it.”
He bellows, “What has gotten into you!”
“I can't have this fight right now.” A sigh escapes me. “Not today. Not before his funeral. I don't have the strength for it.”
“You think you're going to his funeral?”
Nadie tries to reel him in, “Nick-”
“Don't you Nick me!” He turns to snap at her. “We will discuss why you think it's alright to withhold information about my daughter for me shortly.” When he whips back around he states, “You're not going to that funeral.”
I correct him before I head out of the room, “I am going to his funeral. No matter what you say.”
“We aren't finished Jovi Reese,” his voice rises.
Turning around abruptly, I toss my hands in the air. “We are for now.”
Those are my final words even though he continues yelling.
Not sure if it's at me or Nadie. It doesn't matter. I'm not listening. I don't have to. Not anymore. Things are about to change. I know they have too. But I don't have to deal with those changes right now. Not today. Especially not before they put my future husband's best friend, what would have been one of my in-laws, into the ground.
Merrick
Leaning against my car, I continue to stare aimlessly down the empty dirt road that for miles is only home to Aunt Kelli's house, the McCoy junk yard, and random wild animals.
Wanna learn how to handle a car? Try avoiding wild life on a dark road at top speeds. Added challenge? Try avoiding it while getting a hand job.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. Under the assumption Jovi and Hayli probably got lost, I pull it out.
T.D.: Delivery status?
I stare at the two words on the screen.
If I say sitting at the police impound waiting to be stripped and violated how long do you think it would take him to find me?
“Hey,” Knox's voice causes me to dismiss the message and put it back in my pocket.
Later. I'll fucking deal with it later. Can't make the situation any worse delaying my response a couple hours.
Tilting my head at her I reply, “Hey.”
She leans against my car beside me. “How you holdin' up?”
I shrug and return my eyes back down the road.
“You know you can talk to me.”
“About?”
“About what you're going through.”
“He's dead, Knox.” Having to say it hurts just as much as the reality that it's now a fact. “What's there to say?”
Bluntly she remarks, “The fact you blame yourself.”
Pressing my lips tightly together, I shove my hands in my jean pockets.
“Madden blames himself too.”
“Madden blames himself for everything,” I mu
mble under my breath.
“He blames himself for a lot,” she agrees in a hushed tone. “But he shouldn't. And you shouldn't. Ben didn't die because you did anything wrong.”
I drop my face and close my eyes. “I should've been with him that night, Knox.”
“So we could add to this death count? No thank you.”
She didn't even try to be sensitive there did she?
“Look, Merrick, even if you would've gone out with him that night, he still would've went home with that girl. He still would've been fleeing from her house. He still would've ended up on that road.”
Lifting my eyes to her I ask, “So you're saying fate killed him?”
“I'm saying, it doesn't matter how you try to rewrite history in your head. It's not gonna help. Only thing you can do now is, swallow your pain, remember the good times, and move on with your life.” The harshness cuts at the same time it kicks the need for self-repairs into gear. “The world doesn't stop moving because you want it to any more than it rewinds because you asked it to. We live. We die. Make the time in between count for something. Ben did.”
Her words echo in my mind as Hayli's car is spotted arriving.
Make the time in between count for something...Fuck. She's right. And Ben did. Ben absolutely did.
Slowly, I approach the vehicle tugging at the tie around my neck.
Other than going to court, I don't understand the necessity for ties.
As soon as Jovi exits the car, a little bit of sanity returns to me.
I love that about her.
She shakes her head at me. “Leave your tie alone.”
“I don't like ties.”
“Ben liked ties,” Hayli pipes in slamming her door shut. “He liked to have a girl lead him around by it like a dog.”
Jovi's face scrunches in disgust. “Why do you know that?”
“You'd be surprised what two people talk about over shoes and Starbucks.”
Surprised at the information I ask, “Ben had a thing for Starbucks?”
“That's what you question?” Jovi loops her arm through mine. “Not the shoes.”
“Nah. He had a thing for feet.”
Let's not talk about it. I didn't even wanna talk about it with him. He had his quirks. We all do. However, I will admit, the dog leash thing was news to me.
Hayli poses showing off a pair of leopard print stilettos. “He picked these out.”
Tacky, but totally Ben.
The thought makes me softly smile. Hayli pulls her red hair to one side of her face before she folds her hands in front of her black dress covered body. “I'm sorry for your loss, Merrick.”
With a slow nod, I reply, “And I'm sorry for yours.”
Silence fills the air for only a moment thanks to Knox's yelling about moving our asses. The three of us quickly head towards the one story white brick house. On the outside it doesn't look like much. Weeds sprouting from various corners. Dented two car garage door.
It's where Uncle D taught Triple D all about motorcycles. The dent is from letting Daniel try to drive a crotch rocket at 13.
There's a large window beside the freshly painted white front door that has a hole from Ben's inability to pitch a ball.
This house is covered in memories. It sucks Ben's about to be one more.
Inside I lead the two girls past what should've been the formal dining room but was typically a play area for us, past the small living room that's connected to the open kitchen, and out the sliding back door. We cross the dead grass filled backyard, my eyes roaming at the old tire swing.
Ben fell off that often. Well, Triple D pushed him off of that often. He never learned it wasn't a good idea to mess with them. Not even as adults.
“McCoy Junkyard,” Jovi reads, slight shock in her voice as we reach the fenced in land that's beside Aunt Kelli's house.
You're probably wondering why we didn't just hit the junkyard directly. It's simple. I'm prolonging having to bury my cousin as long as fucking possible.
“I didn't know you guys had a junk yard too.”
“Uncle D had this. Dad had the shop. Not the shop we have now, but a shop. He wanted Ben to run this someday,” I say strolling past the stacked tires at the entrance. “That was not something that ever crossed Ben's mind.”
“Who runs it now?”
“Technically Madden.” Looking around at the old car parts most people would consider crap, I feel a small twinge in my chest knowing Uncle D always saw potential in things people thought were worthless.
Maybe that's why Ben turned out to be as awesome as he was. Uncle D saw how great he could be even through all the trouble he caused. Is it weird to have to say was? Fuck...It feels weird. Weird and wrong.
“Doesn't get much business day to day. When it does though, Aunt Kelli deals with it.”
Jovi nods and we continue on, towards the very back corner, where a gravel path leads us over to a special area on the property behind the junkyard. An area I hate to be in. An area I didn't think I'd be back in again any time soon.
Damn sure not for this reason.
There's a soft gasp from beside me. “Is that...is that-”
“Yeah,” I answer so she doesn't have to finish the sentence.
Under a large shaded area created by two trees there are two rows of tombstones. Dad and Uncle D's are beside each other's while my mom's is behind my dad's. Jovi curls her body into me. Her arm slides around my side holding us together.
I needed that extra support.
Gathered around the grim area are my brothers, all dressed in jeans, black shirts and ties along with Knox, Aunt Kelli, Vinnie, Shelby, and Krissy. Ben's whole family. My whole family.
And of course yours. You're family now.
Without more than a nod in my direction, Madden lifts the shovel he had been clutching and starts to dig into the ground. In silence we all watch him scoop out chunk after chunk of dirt to clear space for my best friend's remains. Each stab into the ground feels as if it's breaking the dangling delicate pieces of my psyche that are left. Knox's advice, Jovi's support, Hayli's condolences suddenly all feel meaningless again. Emptier than the space Madden is effortlessly creating.
I should be in that hole.
Finally he stops digging and looks to Drew, who is holding a vintage motor oil can.
“Keep Dad and Uncle D good company. If they offer you a beer… take it.”
Drew faintly smiles, gives the can a double tap, clears his throat and passes the can to the right.
Now in Daniel's grip he says, “Never forget it was me who taught you how to get a chick's number and how to give them a reason to always wanna come back. Keep the McCoy name strong. Even now kid.”
After a double tap he passes it to Destin. “I hated tracking you on GPS. It's right on red only. Not left or right.”
Ben never understood that.
“Maybe you'll drive better with Dad on your ass instead of me.”
Destin double taps it and offers it for me to take.
I can't. I don't think I can...
Jovi gives me a tight squeeze of encouragement. I take the can. It wobbles in my grip. Quivers in my clutches.
I can't do this. I can't say...no. I can't say goodbye.
Shaking my head, I look down at my girl who's looking up at me with support. Strength. Fearlessness. Most importantly, with love I could never live without. I look down at the can in my grip and breathlessly announce, “Cuz...You were a dick to me in your final days.”
He was.
“But that's how we are when we feel threatened. We fight back. Always fight back, Ben.”
Lightly I tap it twice and hand it to Jovi who I'm expecting to panic. I prepare to tell her she can just pass it on, when she bravely speaks up.
“You taught me that family comes in many forms. Thank you.” With a double tap she passes it to Hayli and holds onto me tighter.