“Tough, yeah. That’s one word for it. I had lovely foster parents, though. And my mom and stepdad had established a college fund for me so when I aged out of foster care I could choose where I went from there. I didn’t want for anything.”
Anything except for a family. Piers thought about the little boy sleeping down the hall in his bedroom, considered the ready-made family that he and Casey could offer Faye. But he weighed that up with her obvious reluctance to have anything to do with the baby. Did that stem from the losses she’d suffered when she was still a teenager? How on earth did a man wade past that?
* * *
Encircled in Piers’s arms, Faye didn’t feel the usual searing pain that scored her when she thought about her family. Instead it was kind of a dull ache. Still there, still hurting, but muted, as if the edges had softened somehow. The realization made her feel disloyal to their memory. She didn’t deserve this. Didn’t deserve to let any aspect of the memory of their loss slide away. Guilt hammered at her with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
This was why she hadn’t encouraged any relationships beyond friendship in the past. And it was why she should never have allowed things between her and Piers to go as far as they’d gone—no matter how fantastic it had been.
She’d made a mistake tonight—several mistakes. From the minute she’d accepted the glass of champagne from Piers to the second she’d allowed him to touch her. What had she been thinking?
Maybe that, for once in her life, she should reach out and sample what others took for granted?
No. She mentally shook her head. She had no right to do that. It was best that she get back on her path alone and leave in the morning as she’d planned. Leave before her heart became too heavily engaged with the man who had drifted to sleep beside her, not to mention the child he was determined to claim for his own.
Decision made, she closed her eyes, willing herself to drift to sleep. Goodness knew her body felt so sated and weary that sleep should have come easily. But for some reason her mind wouldn’t let go, wouldn’t allow her to find peace.
Instead she found herself concentrating on the smallest of things, like the way Piers’s fingers continued to stroke her bare back every now and then, even though he was asleep. Like the deep, regular sound of his breathing and the scent of his skin. She would store these memories and lock them away, and maybe one day she’d be strong enough to think about them, about this magical night, again.
* * *
Faye woke to an empty bed and felt a rush of relief. At least the whole morning-after thing could be delayed until she was showered, dressed, packed and ready to leave. She shifted in the bedsheets, catching a drift of Piers’s cologne. Just that tiny thing made her body tighten on a wave of longing so piercing that it almost brought tears to her eyes.
Instead of giving in to her emotions, Faye did what she’d always done. She focused on what needed to be accomplished first. That, at least, was something she could control.
Once dressed and packed, she double-checked the bathroom and bedroom to ensure she was leaving nothing behind and headed down the stairs to put her suitcase by the front door. She could hear Piers and Casey in the kitchen. With her stomach in knots, she walked toward the sound. Piers had his back to her and was talking a bunch of nonsense to the baby, who was staring up at him in rapt attention.
Faye would never have thought her heart could break any further than it already had, but the sight of those two was just about her undoing. Once again, tears sprang to her eyes. She blinked them back fiercely and turned to a cupboard to drag a mug out for her morning coffee.
“Good morning,” Piers said. “Did you sleep well?”
“Better than I expected,” she answered shortly.
“Me, too,” he answered with a smile that sent a curl of lust winding through her.
This is impossible, she thought as she grabbed the carafe from the coffee machine and poured the steaming liquid into her mug. Just a look from him, a smile, and she was as pathetically eager for his attention as all his other women. Did that mean she was one of them now? She straightened her shoulders. No, it most certainly did not. One night did not change anything as far as she was concerned. If she could just get back to her apartment and back to a routine, everything would be okay.
She watched as Piers took the baby bottle from the warmer and gave it a little shake before testing a few drops on his wrist.
“Sir, your breakfast is served!” he said to the infant with a delightfully dramatically flourish.
Casey gave him a massive gummy grin in return. His little legs kicked wildly as Piers offered him the bottle.
“You’re good with him,” Faye observed. “Are you still going to keep him?”
“Yes.”
The answer was simple and emphatic. No fluffing about responsibilities or honoring his brother’s memory or anything like that. Just a simple yes.
She envied him his conviction.
Piers looked up at her and she saw something new in his gaze.
“Is it ridiculous to say that I love him already?” he asked.
She’d never known him to sound insecure about anything. Ever. That he should feel that way about Casey just made him even more human, more attractive. She shook her head.
“No, it’s not.”
Piers nodded in acceptance and turned his attention back to the little boy.
Faye took advantage of the shift in focus to start making breakfast. “Have you eaten?” she asked.
“Yeah, I ate when I got up. It was early, though. I could go a second round.”
She busied herself making omelets with the last of the ingredients she could find in the refrigerator. It was a good thing the road would be cleared today and that Meredith, who’d been waiting at a motel in town, would be able to come through with supplies.
Faye was just plating up the food when the phone rang with the news that a crew had cleared the road up to the fallen tree and was now working to clear the log. The news made Faye feel as if every nerve in her body had coiled tight, ready to spring free the moment she could leave the building.
The next two hours were an exercise in torment as she tried to catch up on emails while Piers lay on the floor and played with the baby before putting him to bed for another nap. The moment she heard a sound near the front door she was up and all but running to let the newcomer inside.
“Ms. Darby! Are you all right? I saw your car. It’s a miracle you’re still alive!”
Piers’s housekeeper bustled inside and grasped Faye by her upper arms, giving her a once-over as if checking for injuries. “Oh, Ms. Darby—your face!”
“It’s okay, Meredith. It’s what happened when the airbag went off. I wasn’t hurt aside from that, and I’m almost all healed,” Faye said as brightly as she could.
Satisfied Faye hadn’t been seriously injured, Meredith gave her a nod and then drew her in for a quick hug, which Faye endured good-naturedly. She wasn’t a hugger but she was used to Meredith’s overwhelming need to mother everyone in her sphere.
“I’m fine, Meredith. I take it the road is clear now?”
“Yes, they’ve moved your wreck to the side and taken away most of the tree. Some of it will have to wait until they can get some heavier equipment up, but there’s room to squeeze by.”
Faye had expected to feel relieved at the news. Actually, she’d expected to feel jubilant. Instead there was a hollow sense of loss looming inside her. She shoved the thought away before it could take hold.
“Well, that’s a relief!” she said with all the brightness she could muster. “I think I’m suffering a bit of cabin fever. I can’t wait to get home.”
“Mr. Luckman! I’m so glad to see you!” Meredith gushed effusively over Faye’s shoulder.
Faye turned and saw the swiftly masked look o
f disappointment in Piers’s eyes. Had he really thought that a spectacular night of sex would change her mind about leaving? She already knew there was a flight out early this afternoon. She had to be on it. She couldn’t stay another minute or maybe she would change her mind and stay—and what then? More risk? More chance of loss? More joy and pleasure that she didn’t deserve and couldn’t allow herself to enjoy? No, it was far better that she left now.
“Meredith, good to see you, too.”
“How have you been managing?” Meredith said, fussing over him.
“Just fine, thanks, Meredith. You left us so well stocked we could have stayed here a month on our own.”
Faye suppressed a shudder. A month? She could never have lasted that long and still left with her sanity intact. In a month Casey would have grown and changed and wound her completely around his pudgy little fingers. And a whole month confined here with Piers? She tried to think of the reasons why that was a bad idea but her newly awakened libido kept shouting them down. Every last one. Which in itself was exactly why she needed to put distance between her and Piers.
“We have run out of diapers, however,” Piers continued. “I hope you got my text to add them and baby food to the groceries.”
“I did. But why on earth...?” Meredith looked from Piers to Faye for an explanation.
Faye shrugged and looked at Piers. “You can explain it. I really need to get going. Meredith, after we’ve unloaded your car, can I borrow it to get to the airport? I’ll organize for someone to return it for you.”
Over Meredith’s iron-gray curls, Faye saw Piers looking at her again. His expression appeared relaxed but she could see tiny lines of strain around his eyes.
“Do you really need to run away right now?” he asked.
“I can’t stay. You know that. I have things to do. Places to go. People to see.”
He knew she was lying, she could see it in the bleak expression that reflected back at her. Faye turned away. She couldn’t bear to see his disappointment and it irritated her that it mattered to her so much.
She grabbed her coat, scurried down the front steps to where Meredith had left her station wagon and started to take bags of groceries from the rear. Piers was at her side before she could make her way back to the house.
“You know you’re running away.”
“I’m doing nothing of the kind. I wasn’t supposed to be here in the first place, remember?”
“You’re running away,” he repeated emphatically. “But are you running away from me or from yourself?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not running anywhere,” she snapped and pushed past him to take the groceries to the house.
He was too astute. She’d always admired his perceptiveness in the workplace but she hated it when he applied it to her. Behind her she heard him grab the remaining sacks of supplies and follow her up the stairs.
She made her way swiftly to the kitchen, where Meredith was already taking inventory of what needed to be done.
He was close behind her, and as he brushed past he whispered in her ear, “Liar. I’d hoped you might change your plans and spend Christmas here with Casey and me. We don’t have to worry about anyone else.”
Words hovered on the edge of her lips—acceptance and denial warring with one another.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” she eventually said, hoping she’d injected just the right amount of lightness into her tone.
“Faye, we need to talk. C’mon, stay. It’s Christmas Eve.”
The last three words were the reminder she needed. Christmas Eve. The anniversary of the death of her family. Shame filled her that she’d lost track of the days.
“I really need to go,” she said, her voice hollow.
Meredith handed her the set of keys to the station wagon. “There you go, Ms. Darby. There’s plenty of gas in the tank.”
“Thanks, Meredith. I’ll take good care of it, I promise. I’ll leave Mr. Luckman to explain why he needs all these diapers,” Faye answered, patting the bumper pack she’d carried in with the bags from the car.
Before Piers could stop her, she slipped out of the kitchen, through the main room and out the front door. The finality of pulling the heavy door closed behind her sent a shaft of anguish stinging through her, but she ignored it and kept going. It was the only way she could cope. She was used to loss. Used to pain. She’d honed her ability to survive, to get through every single day, on both those things. And, somehow, she’d get through this day exactly the same way.
Nine
Blue skies, sand and sunshine had never looked better, Faye decided as she opened the drapes of her sitting room on Christmas morning and stared out at the vista below. She’d paid a fine premium for this apartment with its tiny balcony overlooking the beach, but even though she’d chosen it because it was nothing like what she remembered of home, she never could quite shake off the memories.
Take last night. She’d started her movie marathon; the way she’d done every year since she’d lived alone. But for some reason the gory plotlines and the gripping action couldn’t hold her attention and in the end she’d turned off the player. At a loss, she’d sought out the box of precious possessions among her parents’ things. The entire household had been packed up and stored in a large locker after the accident and held for her until she turned eighteen—fees had been paid out of her parents’ estate.
This particular box she saved for Christmas Eve alone. Filled with photo albums of her throughout her childhood, starting as a baby, with her mom, then with her stepdad and finally the unfinished album with the precious few photos she had of her baby brother. He’d have been just over thirteen years old by now. Maybe he’d have been an irritating teenager, pushing his boundaries—or a sports star in his favorite game. Or maybe he’d have been more bookish and quiet like she’d been as a child. She’d never know. The empty pages at the back of the album were an all-too-somber reminder of the lack of future for baby Henry.
Last night’s visit to her past had reduced her to a shaking, sobbing mess, but when she’d woken this morning, instead of the yawning abyss of loss that had consumed her heart for so many years, she felt different. Yes, there was grief, and that would never completely go away. But overlaying that grief was a sense of closure, as if she’d finally been able to completely say goodbye.
She knew she’d never be able to stop thinking about her family, never stop loving them, but she felt less of a hostage to her grief than she’d been before. It was part of her. It had made her grow into the adult she was now and it had driven so many of her decisions, leading her to this point in her life. But maybe it was time for her to stop letting it direct her life. Maybe it was even time to let go of her grip on the guilt she felt for not having been able to avoid the crash that night. Perhaps she didn’t deserve to be unhappy, after all. Maybe it was even time to take a risk on loving someone else again. Someone like Piers, perhaps, who now came with a ready-made family?
The thought struck terror into her heart, but before long she managed to push past it to examine the thought carefully.
The analytical side of her brain asked her if she thought she might genuinely be falling in love with Piers.
If she entered into a relationship with him, she’d be doing it with her eyes open. After all, she probably knew the man better than his own mother did. She’d been an integral part of his life for the past three years, managing both his work world and his private life in as much as he needed her to. And she admired him. He could so easily have been more like Quin. So easily have lived off the obscenely large trust fund that previous generations of Luckmans had provided for him, but he’d chosen to work and he worked hard. The business and residential property developments he’d undertaken since she’d worked with him had become among the most sought after anywhere in the world.
Yes, he had a pl
ayboy background and, yes, she’d seen how easily he discarded a lover when he’d felt a relationship had run its course. But he’d definitely been different since Quin had died. Quieter. More thoughtful. And, slowly, she’d begun to see yet another facet to him. One that had undoubtedly begun to unravel the bindings around her heart.
But was she actually falling in love with him or was she instead falling in love with the idea of being part of something bigger than just herself? A family? A new start? A chance to make amends for what she’d done?
Faye squeezed her eyes closed and growled out loud in frustration. So many questions. So few answers.
* * *
Piers returned from Wyoming in the second week of the new year. She heard his voice as he came down the corridor from the elevators and every nerve in her body stood to attention. She’d avoided all his calls since she’d left Jackson Hole, keeping their communications strictly to text messages and email. She’d sensed his frustration with her immediately but she hadn’t been ready talk to him. To hear the timbre of his voice. To relive the intimacy they’d shared—the memory of which still took her by surprise every now and then and stole her breath away.
But there was no hiding now. Any second he’d round the corner and walk straight into the open-plan area they shared.
And then there he was.
The impact of seeing him was just as shocking as she’d anticipated. A flush of heat spread through her body as her eyes flew up to meet his. She swallowed hard against the sudden lump that formed in her throat when she realized he bore a baby car seat in one hand, with Casey sound asleep inside it, and his briefcase in the other.
“Good morning,” she finally managed to squeeze the greeting past the constriction and stepped out from behind her desk. “Coffee?”
“Why wouldn’t you answer my calls?”
“Coffee it is, then,” she answered smoothly and turned her back on him.
“Faye, you can’t keep avoiding me.”
“I wasn’t avoiding you. We spoke.”
The Christmas Baby Bonus Page 10