by Julia London
“Not many do,” he said, and told her some of Susanna’s history, leaving out the more gruesome details. As he talked, Jane stared at him, unblinking, her eyes full of horror and sorrow. “My point in telling you is that I think I tried to keep it together for so long that I lost some things along the way, too.”
“I’m so sorry. How horrible that must have been for you.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t want your pity or sorrow. It’s over and done. I’ve moved on. The kids come first, obviously, but you said . . . you said, take care of yourself, and I realized that I’ve been alone in my heart for so long that I don’t know how to ask anymore.”
“Oh, Asher,” she said, sliding off her stool.
“I want . . . I want life, Jane. I want to be part of your life, if you’ll let me.” Let me step into the light. “I need to be part of it, if only for a time,” he added, and swallowed. “I’m not asking for more than that. Only that you let me be here. With you. For as little or as long as you’d like.”
Jane gaped at him.
Asher had asked too much. He knew it, he’d asked too much, and now he had to leave before he humiliated himself further. He turned toward the door, but Jane caught his hand before he could take a step. He half turned, wary of her.
Her amber brown eyes twinkled up at him. “Be in my life,” she said. “I don’t know where this will go, I don’t know what to expect, and I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep . . . but I really want to be in your life. So yes, Asher, please . . . be in my life.” She rose up on her toes and kissed him.
That kiss roused a fire-breathing dragon that roared to life in Asher. His heart began to beat a hard staccato. Her words, her kiss, all of it, was intoxicating; he was drunk with relief and joy and desire. He cupped her head in his hands and kissed her fully. He could feel the life spread to his limbs, stirring inside him. He ran his hand over her shoulder, down her arm, laced his fingers in hers. “I missed you,” he said, the words sliding off his tongue before he knew they were there.
“I missed you, too.”
Asher tangled his free hand in her hair, undoing the knot, lifting it to his face. “This was never my intention. I wanted you, but I told myself I wouldn’t touch you.”
“Touch me,” Jane urged him, and pushed her face into his neck and kissed him as she wrapped her arms around his back. Her breath was warm, her lips soft and moist against his skin. A raw shiver shuddered through him, and Asher twisted her around, put her on her back on the bed and crawled over her. He cupped her lovely face and looked at her sparkling eyes, her luscious mouth and sexy smile, and her hair spilling all around her. His mind moved past the questions and the fears, raced headlong into the need to be with this bright, vibrant, beautiful woman. Jane could do that to him—somehow she made him need her, physically, emotionally.
There was an erotic chaos and eagerness to their lovemaking, Jane’s lips singeing his skin every place they touched him. Her fingers trailed down his body, to his hips, to his cock. She tasted sweet to him, and the cool, airy scent of her cologne aroused all of his senses. She felt just as he’d imagined she would in his arms—soft, yet strong, and sweetly eager.
Somehow her shirt opened, and he moved down her body, to her breast, pushing her lacy bra aside. With his mouth he ravished her, with his hands, he caressed her. He traced his fingers over the tattoo that had tantalized him, outlining the cross, kissing it.
Jane’s breath grew shorter, her lips warm and moist on his skin. She inflamed him, forced him to bear down, to hold on, to savor every sensual moment of it. There were two kinds of lovers, Asher thought wildly. Women who could satisfy a man’s lust, and women who could destroy a man’s reason. Jane was definitely destroying his reason. She was moving provocatively with him, her touch as tantalizing as it was demanding, her gasps and groans awakening even stronger desires.
His hand slipped under her skirt and between her thighs and Jane sighed with pleasure, as if she’d been waiting for his touch. He got out of his clothes and looked down at her. Her lids were heavy, her mouth slightly open as she drew deep, quick breaths. Her body, so perfect to him, so voluptuous, seemed to almost shimmer in the low light. Asher sank into her with a long sigh of relief from the years spent in his own private prison.
Being inside her was the salve to an old wound, a slip of heaven. As he moved in her, stroking her with his body and his hands, Jane moved with him, her breath coming in pants, her hands and mouth more insistent until she cried out in ecstasy. Asher’s own tsunami of desire flooded over him then and washed him away with her, tumbling him in wave upon wave of sheer rapture.
He had no idea how long he held her or how long they lay there, wrapped in each other’s arms. He no longer worried that he was falling in love with the nanny.
He had fallen.
30
With his leg draped over Jane’s, Asher was propped on his elbow, tracing the outline of the Celtic cross tattooed on her hip bone. They had not moved from the bed, but lazily talked about little things.
“Why the cross?” Asher asked, leaning over to kiss it again.
Jane giggled. “That,” she said, touching her finger to his, “was something I picked up in Ireland on my way to Italy. I was moved by some of the more mystic parts of the Emerald Isle. And there was excellent Irish whiskey involved.”
He chuckled and pushed her hair from her face. “So do the Irish sparkle, like the Italians?”
She grinned, happy that he remembered. “I’d say the Irish are a little gloomier.” She laughed at herself. “It’s so beautiful there. Have you ever been?”
“Only Dublin. I had an account there a couple of years ago, but I never had time to get out and look around.”
Jane had an image of them standing on the cliffs or walking through the forests there. Maybe someday, who knew? She looked at him now, his hair falling over his brow, his muscular shoulders and thighs. She could picture him in Europe, a lone traveler.
“Where else did you go that summer?”
“Ireland and Italy. Paris. Greece.”
“Wow,” he said, nodding. “That’s quite a trip. And you were alone for all of it?”
“Yep. It’s kind of funny—I felt edgy, but I thought it was wanderlust. I thought if I just got out and saw the world, then I’d feel right. I didn’t want to go alone, but my best friend, Nicole, wouldn’t come because she was pregnant, and there wasn’t really anyone else I would ask who was free. Honestly, I was okay to go by myself. I thought I needed the time to explore me.”
Asher didn’t say anything. He ran his hand over her thigh.
“Does that sound weird?”
“Not at all. It sounds enlightened. Did you find you?”
“No,” she said with a giggle. “I just brought home more questions. I think I realized that what was making me edgy was all the missing information about me. That’s when I resolved to try and find out more.”
“And how is that going?” he asked as he pressed his palm against the plane of her abdomen.
“Suddenly pretty good. I met a woman at the hospital, Laru Friedenberg—”
“Ah, Laru,” he said, nodding. “I know Laru. Everyone knows Laru.”
“Really? Well, she helped me find the name of the nurse who was working in the hospital when I was born.”
Asher lifted his gaze from her body. “Where? Here?”
“She is somewhere near Fredericksburg. I have to find her. There’s a good chance she might know something about my adoption. It’s a long shot, but at least I actually have a shot for once.” It felt good to say that. She had a shot, an actual shot.
“That’s really good news,” he said.
“You have no idea,” she agreed, and at his curious look, she smiled as she touched her finger to his lips. “It’s the first lead I’ve had. It seems like the closer I get, the harder it becomes, so I really need this to turn into something.”
“Harder? I’d think it would get easier.”
&nbs
p; Of course he’d think that. Jane shook her head, ran her hand over the top of her head. “It’s not like that for me. It’s been really hard, and God, you’d think a psych major might have some insight into what’s so hard about it, but I don’t. I had a lovely childhood, you know? I have wonderful parents and two great brothers and aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. I always knew I was adopted, and I was so well loved, and honestly, I never really thought of it until . . . until one day I read something about how we are all our past, and our pasts are our present, and our present is our future. . . .” Jane smiled. “That sounds ridiculous, I know. I’m really not very good at explaining what I am feeling.”
Asher laughed. “Join the club. But I think I know what you are saying.”
“All I know is that my past is lacking in my present. There are things I want to know, that I need to know, and not knowing seems to color everything. Not knowing somehow has prevented me from moving ahead with my life in certain areas. But I’ve made up my mind. I am entirely focused on finding my birth mother. I am not going to worry about anything else until I have exhausted all the leads.”
“I admire you for even trying.” He leaned down and kissed her. “And I will help you in any way that I can.”
“Ah,” she said, and cupped his face and looked into his eyes. “That’s so sweet.”
Asher pulled her in close to his body and kissed her deeply, then reluctantly lifted his head. “I have to go, babe,” he said softly. “It’s after two.”
She nodded. He touched her chin, then stood up and pulled on his pants. Jane sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees, watching him. “So . . . where do we go from here?” she asked.
He pulled his T-shirt over his head, combed his hair with his fingers. “I don’t want the kids to know, not yet.”
“Yes, I think it would be a little weird for them.”
He frowned. “I don’t like sneaking around,” he said. “This feels so right, Jane, you have no idea how right it feels. I need to do this for myself—but at the same time, I have to think of what’s best for my children. I think we need to be sure of what we’re doing before we even think of telling them.” He paused. “Are you okay with keeping this to ourselves for a while?”
“More than okay,” Jane said, somewhat relieved. “I don’t think either of us wants to be the cliché here. I’m all for taking it slow and seeing where it goes first.”
“Thank you.” He smiled, leaned over, and kissed the top of her head. “Did anyone ever tell you that you’re cute?”
“Yes. Casey Randall told me in the ninth grade.”
He laughed and kissed her good-bye for the time being.
Did you take some happy pills or something?” Riley asked with a hint of disdain early the next afternoon. They’d just returned from the library, where Levi had picked up a book about dinosaurs. “You’re so laughy.”
“Laughy? Is that a word?” Jane asked cheerfully. She felt excited and fulfilled, and perhaps most notably, Jane felt as if she was where she truly belonged for the first time in months.
“You’re just like, weird,” Riley said.
If this was weird, Jane was weird, because she felt happy.
They walked through the kitchen into the den. Jane paused to look around at the familiar furniture. This was surreal. Just a few days ago, she’d been in this very room with no clue of what was to come, of how her thoughts and feelings and even her disposition would change. It was so sudden, so complete. Maybe . . . maybe she’d fallen in love with Asher. Was falling.
“Can I have a snack?” Levi asked.
“You can have some grapes,” Jane said and walked back into the kitchen. Do I love him? she asked herself. She certainly hadn’t thought about much else besides Asher for the last several days, and today, with the exception of Debbie Carpenter, Asher had been the only thing on her mind. She kept thinking of last night, of the way they’d come together. It just seemed so perfect, so meaningful to her. Are you romanticizing it? No, no . . . this was real. She could feel it in her bones.
Jane put some grapes on a plate and returned to the den. “Nothing else before dinner, Levi,” she warned him, knowing very well that he would eat his weight in gummies if he could get away with it. She looked at Riley, who had turned on her laptop. She knew a lot about these kids now. Could she, in a distant future, be a mother to them? She smiled a little, imagining them as one happy little family, then happened to glance up. Her gaze fell on the portrait of Susanna.
Jane’s little smile faded.
She quickly sat down next to Levi, and while Levi looked at the pictures in his book and Riley talked about her latest earth-shattering conversation with Tracy, Jane tried to picture what life had been like at Summer’s End before Susanna had died. Levi had only been a toddler, but Riley must have noticed the changes in her mother. Jane had studied bipolar disorder for a class, so she knew a little what this family might have endured, and it was sobering. She glanced at the portrait of Susanna again. That portrait was eerie to her now, even a little creepy. It almost felt as if Susanna was looking at Jane, telling her that she knew what she was doing with her husband.
Jane shuddered and looked down. Yes, very surreal.
When at last Riley’s convoluted story about Tracy had come to its glorious end, and the kids had settled down to watch TV, Jane stepped into the office off the kitchen and called information, asking for Debbie Carpenter in or around Fredericksburg. The operator came back with two numbers. “Do you have an address?” she asked in that harried voice of someone who was counting the minutes until her shift ended.
“Unfortunately, no. May I have both?”
The operator gave her the first number for a Deborah Carpenter. The second was D. Carpenter. “I’ll connect you with the second,” she said. “Hold for the number.”
The phone rang twice. Jane worried the eraser of the pencil with her teeth, frantically thinking what she would say when someone answered. On the third ring, a man answered. “Hi!” she said. “I am trying to find Debbie Carpenter of Fredericksburg. She lives on a ranch outside of town, and I was wondering, could this be her number?”
“No, ma’am, you’ve got the wrong Carpenter. This is Dan Carpenter.”
Jane could feel her body sag with disappointment. “Sorry to have bothered you,” she said and hung up. She was phoning the second number when she heard the mudroom door open and Asher’s footsteps.
Grinning, Jane stepped out. Lord, but he was handsome in his suit and tie, his face illuminated with his warm smile. He slipped one arm around her waist and pushed her back into the office to kiss her. Jane made a halfhearted attempt to resist him, whispering something about the kids.
“Right,” he murmured. His hand fell to her hip, skimming down her skirt, finding her skin beneath. “God, I missed you today,” he said and kissed her neck.
“Me, too,” Jane whispered.
“Daddy!”
Levi’s voice came from the kitchen. Asher instantly broke away from Jane, but his eyes were locked on her. “Yeah, buddy?” he called.
“I have a new book!” Levi called, and Jane could hear him padding across the kitchen, coming toward them.
“Great!” Asher said, and with a wink for Jane, he stepped out of the office before Levi reached it. “Dinosaurs, cool! I love me some tyrannosaurus rex. Come on upstairs with me and we’ll look at it.”
A moment later, with the feel of Asher’s hands still warm on her skin, Jane walked out of the office. The late afternoon sun was slanting in the windows, and it cut across the portrait of Susanna.
Jane shivered.
She returned to the guesthouse and called the second number she had for Debbie Carpenter. It rang four times before voice mail picked up. “You have reached the Carpenter residence. We can’t take your call at this time, but if you—”
Jane hung up. She didn’t know what sort of message to leave; she’d try again later.
The days that followed looked normal, but
for Jane and Asher, they consisted of stolen moments where they could manage it. Mostly, they had to make do with an exchange of looks across the heads of the kids.
It was great for Riley and Levi—Asher and Jane’s desire to be together meant they spent the week playing games or watching movies together after dinner. Or Jane and Riley sat together flipping through magazines, planning Riley’s fall wardrobe, while Asher and Levi wrestled on the floor or looked at his book of dinosaurs.
Jane tried to imagine living her life like this with Asher. With the kids. On the one hand, it felt natural. She loved the time she spent with them, even when Levi was acting out or Riley was in a mood. She felt part of them. On the other hand, she still had the same questions and doubts about herself and what she was doing with her life. She called the Carpenter number twice more, finally leaving a bit of a rambling message on the third attempt. She made a list from the phone book of all the Carpenters in and around Cedar Springs—five in all—and began to call them, hoping against hope that someone knew Debbie Carpenter. She had no luck.
Nevertheless, for the most part, Jane was very happy in this new relationship. At night, when the Scrabble or Monopoly board was put away, Jane and Asher always went their separate ways. But when Asher was sure the kids were asleep, he’d sneak into the guesthouse and he and Jane would make love. Afterward, they would talk about anything and everything. The more Jane knew Asher, the deeper her feelings went.
Asher was wonderfully attentive to her in a way Jonathan had never been. It was different somehow, as if he needed her happiness to feed his own. They discovered many things they had in common: they both loved burgers and disliked sushi. They both liked to read thrillers and watch foreign films. Jane discovered that Asher’s cousin, Jack Price, was married to the international pop singer Audrey, which she thought was very impressive. Asher discovered that Jane’s cousin Vicki had won her bowling league, which he found equally impressive.
They started running together in the mornings. Asher went to work late. Carla was particularly suspicious of this sudden change in him, but Asher explained that it was the heat of summer and most people straggled into work late. He told Jane later that Carla hadn’t seemed to accept that explanation.