by Julia London
Jane certainly understood that. “Everything is so blasted hard, isn’t it?” she asked, pulling a T-shirt over her head. “What we have is so wonderful, Asher. I can lie here with you and think, This is meant to be. But then the sun comes up, and Riley is so angry and hurt, and I keep butting my head against the wall in my search. I haven’t even touched that damn thesis, which makes me wonder if I ever will, and to top it all off, I got an email from my principal today. She has to know by next week if I want my job or not.”
“Wait—what?”
Jane got off the bed and walked to the French doors, where she looked out at the pool. “She has to know by next week if I am coming back so she can make class assignments.” She risked a look at Asher then. He was staring at her, his expression incredulous. She smiled a little self-consciously. “I guess sooner or later, one of us is going to have to fish or cut bait, right?”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean that sooner or later, we’re going to have to decide where this thing between us is going, especially now that Riley knows.”
“Are you trying to tell me something, baby?”
Jane looked at the gorgeous man standing before her, full of honor and integrity and all those things women yearned for. She wanted him to tell her something, to assure her that this could work, that she’d find her birth mother, that Riley would be happy, and everything would be okay. “No. I’m just thinking ahead. We can’t keep our affair a secret anymore, and I think we should talk about where this is going. Where it could possibly go. Where we want it to go.”
“God,” he said. “I don’t know what to say.”
Her heart fluttered madly; she looked down. He was going to tell her he couldn’t commit, that he loved her, but not like that. That he had his kids to consider, and so on.
“I have felt things for you that I have never felt for another woman,” he said, his voice low. “I’ll be totally honest, Jane. I am in love with you.”
Jane gasped.
“What?” he asked, frowning a little. “Is that a surprise? Can you not see that I do? Don’t you know it? Yes, I have fallen in love with you,” he said, moving to her. “And I don’t want to lose you. But . . .” He took her hand, rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. “I can’t tell you where this is headed. Not yet. I know where I think I’d like it to go, but it’s too soon to be so definitive, isn’t it? I have two other people to think of. The only thing I know with any certainty is that I do not want to lose you. So I want you to stay.” He kissed the corner of her mouth. “Please stay.” He kissed the other corner and whispered, “Tell me you will stay.”
Jane’s heart swelled with love and despair. As mad as it made her seem, as crazy as she believed herself to be . . .
He took her arms, put them around his neck, then pressed his body against hers. “Tell me.”
“I can’t tell you that,” she said softly.
Asher slowly lifted his head.
“I have fallen in love with you, too, Asher. And I’m selfish because I want you to want me to stay. I want to stay here with you, but honestly? I don’t know if I can stay.”
His arms began to slide away from her. He sank back on his heels. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Look . . . we obviously have some issues here. Your daughter is not ready for you to have someone else in your life. I am focused on finding my birth mother. There are a lot of variables in our relationship right now, and I need to be sure of some things before I can decide if I will stay. We both need to be sure of some things.”
“Those sorts of issues can bring people together, you know. They don’t have to push us apart.”
“Maybe in the land of wishful thinking they bring people together, but come on, Asher, we both know that’s not always true. I need to think about it all. Don’t you? Shouldn’t we be able to tell Riley what this all means?”
Asher frowned. “How long will it take you to think all this through?”
Here she was again, telling a man she loved that she didn’t know how long it would take her to figure things out. But this time, Jane felt a pressing weight on her chest. This time, she had a great deal more to lose. She sighed, tired of herself, and shook her head. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly.
33
At least one thing was going right at Summer’s End. When Jane picked up Levi from camp the next day, Charlotte told her his behavior had improved. “I don’t know what you did,” she said, “but he’s been a model citizen all week.”
Jane had no idea, either.
Levi sat in his booster with two Transformers in hand. “Where are we going?” he asked as Jane pulled away from the park and headed north instead of south.
“We are going to the library,” Jane said cheerfully.
“Can I get another dinosaur book?”
“Yes, you may. And when we are through there, I have to stop by and see a man about something, and then we’ll go and pick up Riley from Tracy’s house.”
At the library, Jane stared out at the parking lot, her mind spinning around her conversation with Asher while Levi looked through several books. At two o’clock, she put Levi in the car and drove past the town square, then turned into the older part of town with the old Victorian homes. She made a right onto Elm Street and pulled up in front of the green house with black shutters.
“We’ve already been here,” Levi said, as if she’d forgotten.
“I know. But this time, I think the man will be home.” She unbuckled her seat belt. “I have to speak to this gentleman, Levi, so I want you to be on your best behavior.”
“Okay,” he said agreeably, unbuckled his belt, and got out with his Transformers.
Jane put her hand on his back and led him up the walk. They hadn’t even reached the steps of the porch when the door swung open and a gentleman who looked to be sixty or so stepped outside, wiping his hands on a dish towel. He wore glasses and Dockers, and his gray hair had been slicked down and combed neatly back. “Hey there,” he said. “You must be the lady that come ’round yesterday.”
“Ah . . . yes, sir,” she said. How did people in this town always know things?
The man smiled a little at her apparent confusion. “Got a pretty observant neighbor across the way. What can I do for you?”
“I am sorry to bother you. My name is Jane Aaron, and this is Levi.”
“I have Transformers,” Levi said, holding them up.
“Mm-hmm,” the man said, without sparing Levi much of a glance. “I’ve got to be downtown in about fifteen minutes. What can I do for you?”
“Mr. Wright?” she asked. He nodded. Jane smiled. “Debbie Carpenter gave me your name, sir. I’ll say this as quickly as I can. I’m adopted.”
“What does ’dopted mean?” Levi asked.
“I’ll tell you later,” she said, clamping down on his shoulder. To Mr. Wright, she said, “The only thing I know is that I was born in Cedar Springs on April twenty-fifth, nineteen eighty. I have tried everything I know to find out who my mother was, but with no luck. Debbie Carpenter remembers your late wife had a friend who came to Cedar Springs to have a baby, and she gave it up to private adoption. It fits the time that I was born, and I think it could have been me.”
Her voice broke when she said it; she quickly cleared her throat.
Mr. Wright didn’t say anything.
“I am probably going down another rabbit hole, Mr. Wright,” she said desperately. “It was thirty years ago, and I don’t expect you to remember. But it’s my last shot and I thought it was worth asking. Did your wife ever mention a friend who gave a baby up for adoption? Do you know who it was?”
Mr. Wright tossed his towel onto a chair on the porch and adjusted his glasses. “I remember it. Upset Gwen something awful. She didn’t think she needed to give up her baby, but the gal wouldn’t listen to her. Gwen had a soft heart that way,” he said.
Jane gasped. “Do you . . . do you remember the woman’s name?”
“Now, that
I can’t tell you,” he said. “I’m sorry, but I don’t recall her name. She was a friend of Gwen’s family, not anyone I ever knew.”
“Oh, no.” Jane felt her knees weaken.
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news here,” Mr. Wright said. “But it wouldn’t do you much good if I could recall her name because she died a couple of years ago in a bad car accident.”
That statement was so startling that Jane couldn’t respond at first.
“So did my mommy,” Levi said. “It was a big crash.”
“She hit another car just square on out there on the highway. Tore Gwen up something awful. Sorry to have to tell you that, ma’am. I’m real sorry.”
“No, thank you,” Jane said, trying to find her bearings. “Thanks for the information, sir.”
“You bet. Good luck, ma’am.”
“Thanks.”
He opened the door of his house and walked back inside. Jane heard the turn of the lock.
“It’s hot,” Levi said. “Can we go?”
Still, Jane couldn’t move. She was rooted to that sidewalk, her hand on Levi’s shoulder. It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be possible. She looked at Levi, at his almost black hair, his blue eyes, and suddenly removed her hand as if he’d burned her.
“Can I get in the car?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, and followed him down the walk to her car, her legs shaking, her gut churning to the point she thought she would be sick.
Something felt wrong when Asher came home from work Thursday evening. The house seemed too silent. Too dark. He walked to the kitchen, but there was nothing out of the ordinary, no smell of recently cooked food. He continued on to his office to put away his things. He couldn’t hear any stirring of life upstairs, either. He returned to the living room, carelessly discarding his coat and tie. As he pulled his tie free of his collar, his eye caught a flash of blue outside. He moved to the French doors and looked out. Levi was splashing around in the water; Jane was sitting in a lounger, looking out over the lake.
“Hey, Daddy!” Levi said when Asher stepped out. “Watch me, watch me!” He climbed up onto the grotto to the first level, where Asher expected him to stop and jump. But Levi climbed up to the next rock, and the next.
“Levi!”
Levi grinned and leaped. Asher’s heart stopped; he watched in horror as Levi landed in the pool. A moment later, Levi’s head popped up. “Did you see me?” he asked excitedly and swam to the side.
“I saw you, buddy, but I don’t want you to do that again. It’s too high.” He looked back at Jane. She was gazing at him strangely, as if he were a stranger. “Jane? I don’t think it’s a good idea that Levi is jumping off the top level.”
“Can I jump here?” Levi asked, pointing to the second level.
“No.” Asher pointed to the shallow end. Levi very cheerfully jumped into the shallow end and began paddling around, heading for the zero edge, where he could create little waterfalls with some of his toys.
“Jane,” Asher said, taking a seat on the lounger beside her. “Where is Riley?”
“In her room, avoiding me.”
She seemed distant. She looked sick. “What is the matter with you?” he asked softly. “Are you okay? Are you unwell?”
She made a sound as if she was trying to catch her breath and couldn’t.
Her demeanor alarmed Asher. “Jesus, Jane, what is the matter?”
She looked at Levi, who was on the far side of the pool. “You knew my birth mother better than anyone,” she said.
“What?” he said, recoiling. He had that slightly queasy feeling he used to get when Susanna would begin to cycle, that sixth sense that all hell was about to break loose and there was nothing he could do to prevent it. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“It was Susanna,” Jane said, her eyes filling with tears. “She gave birth to me.”
The queasy feeling got stronger, and he suddenly stood up. “I don’t know what you think you are saying, but you aren’t making any sense—”
“I went to see Mr. Wright today,” she said, sitting up. “He remembered the woman Gwen Wright knew. He remembered her because his wife was so upset about the adoption. But he couldn’t recall her name. And then he told me it wouldn’t have mattered, because she died a couple of years ago in a head-on wreck out on the highway. I looked it up, Asher. I went to the paper and looked it up. Emma helped me. We looked it up and do you know how many people died on the highway out here in the last couple of years? Five. And do you know of those five, they were all the wrong sex or the wrong age except for one? It had to be Susanna.”
It was a kick to the groin, a right hook from nowhere. Asher looked at his son, who was diving under for rings and bringing them up, one by one, stacking them on the edge. “That’s insane, Jane,” Asher said gruffly. “It’s bullshit.”
“She would be what, forty-four, forty-five now?” she asked frantically. “That means she would have been about fifteen in nineteen eighty. She obviously got pregnant when she was a teenager and gave me away. A wealthy family, Debbie said! Don’t you get it? I look like her!”
“You don’t look anything like her!” he said angrily, standing up.
“Then tell me what other woman died on a highway out here, head-on, in the last couple of years?” Jane said. “Tell me! I went to the police headquarters after the paper and looked at their records. Who else could it have been?” She suddenly jumped up and strode to the guesthouse.
Asher followed her. He threw open the door and stood on the threshold so he could watch Levi. “Jane, you’re being ridiculous. This is crazy! I am certain Susanna did not have a baby when she was fifteen years old! Did Mr. Wright have any more information than that?”
“No. That was it,” she said. She was pacing, her hand on her forehead. “But it all makes sense, Asher, think about it! I can’t believe this! I fell in love with a man who was married to my mother. It’s almost . . . incestuous.”
“Jesus Christ, stop saying that!” he snapped. “This is cleared up in one phone call. I will call Helen and ask her.”
“Yes! Yes, call her, please call her and ask her!”
He took his cell phone off his belt and punched in Helen’s number. He got Bill. “Bill, I have something very serious to ask you,” he said. “Is it possible that Susanna had a baby when she was fifteen?”
“What?” Bill exploded. “What the hell kind of question is that?”
“Did she?” Asher demanded and held out the phone so Jane could hear.
“Hell, no! I don’t know what you’re talking about, Asher, but you better not be saying something like that in front of my grandkids! What kind of girl do you think we raised? Hell no she didn’t have a goddam baby when she was fifteen. Where the hell did that come from?”
“Thanks, Bill. I didn’t think so. I’ll talk to you later,” Asher said. He clicked off and stared at Jane.
“I don’t know what to think,” Jane said. “Who else could it be? If my birth mother died in a traffic accident in the last two years out here, it had to be Susanna, because it couldn’t have been anyone else.”
“Then your mother didn’t die on a highway out here in the last two years! It was some other highway, it was some other woman. My wife was not your mother!”
Jane said nothing. Her eyes teared up, and she folded her arms. “I’m going back to Houston.”
His heart sank. “Why?”
“Because it’s just too much, Asher,” she said tearfully. “This has really freaked me out. I hear what you are saying, but I can’t get the possibility out of my head, no matter how remote it is. I have to go home. I have to go to work or lose my job. I have to finish my thesis, I have to get on with my life and stop playing like I am lady of this house. I’m not. I should never have come here; I should never have left everything behind. They all warned me, but I wouldn’t listen.”
“Warned you about what?” Asher asked angrily. “That you might fall in love?”
“No! That I might find out things I don’t want to know, and trust me, this is not something I wanted to know. Falling in love was . . . it was something that happened along the way.”
Asher took a step backward, physically repelled by that. “Wow,” he said. “And here I thought you were the best thing to have happened to me in a long time.”
“Don’t do that,” she said angrily.
“Me? What about us, Jane? What about the kids?”
“What about us, Asher? We are seeing each other in secret. Your kids obviously aren’t ready for you to move on. Riley won’t even speak to us. Levi misses his mother. You know they aren’t ready—you admitted as much this morning. You aren’t ready to broach it with them. There are just too many issues, and now this.”
“But this isn’t true, Jane. You are freaking out, you are blowing this way out of proportion.”
Jane gazed sadly at him. “Am I really? I am living in Susanna’s shadow here, one way or another. She is everywhere. She is in your children’s hearts; she is in your every memory. Her art and her pictures fill this house. Even this house is her creation. That alone would be enough to deal with under any circumstance, but now that there is even a shadow of an ugly doubt, no matter how improbable, I can’t just let it go. Add that to the fact that your kids aren’t ready for you to move on, and that I have all these questions about myself . . . Asher, I have to leave. I have to get centered before I can be part of us.”
Asher felt panicked. She was too important to lose this way. If he did lose her, he couldn’t imagine what would happen to him. “I am begging you, Jane,” he said quietly. “Don’t do this. We can take her pictures down—”
“It’s not that,” she said, exasperated now. “Okay, what if you did take them down. What would you tell Riley and Levi?”
He hesitated, picturing that scene with his kids.
Jane choked on a sob and dropped the things she was holding. She slipped her arms around his waist, pressed her check against his chest. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I would give the world to be what you need, Asher. I would.”