by Dee Ellis
So now, I was mending my broken heart with lots of filthy books staring book boyfriends who never let me down. For a few hundred pages, they were mine, even if they were the book heroine’s too. They gave me everything I asked without me even having to ask.
That was more than I could say for Finn Cooper.
“Does it matter, Red? You want to live in the city, you hate the dorms, and I won’t be there. I think we can convince Pop to help cover rent.” Cage was trying to convince me of something I already wanted to do.
Charli was coming home soon, thank God. After Cage’s lies about a badge bunny from his past sent her running home, I was afraid she was gone for good. I knew Cage would never be the same if he lost Charli. Not only would it be hard for him, it would be hard for all of us. In a short time, Charli had grown close to all of us all.
Charli was the first person I opened up to about Finn. The first person to force Cage to look what was happening in the face. Exactly why his lies, and the fact that Finn had suggested he lie at all, had pissed me off. I still wasn’t right with it but at least she was coming home. Cage couldn't wait to start a new life with her.
Which meant Cage’s condo would be empty. The condo I stayed at more often than my dorm. I did hate the dorms. I hated school right now, period. I wasn’t sure my major was right for me. I thought it was too late to change my mind now. My hesitation was, of course, Finn. I didn't know if I could deal with being so close to him again.
We had not spoken since the night Cage caught us and told me the filthy truth about Finn. About the way he fucked girls at the bar like it was a God damn sex show. How he suggested Cage lie about Ariel, the whore badge bunny they had both taken a turn with.
“Of course, it matters, dear brother. I’d have to watch him bring home girls again. Right in front of me.” I doubted he would do that really; Finn was a lot of things but the unthinking, unfeeling man whore he pretended to be once, he was not.
“Come on, Gigi. You know him better than that. Look I’m pissed too. He didn’t make me lie to Charli. I did it because I thought the truth would hurt her more. I’m pissed he lied to me about you. I don’t know where your head is at with him right now. But I mean, Red... it’s Finn.” I rolled my eyes and shoved away from the table, going to refill my coffee.
“You know two months ago, you told me not to believe a word he said. You told me to stay away from him. That he made you look like a God damn choir boy. So, dear brother, which version of Finn do you want me to buy?” My hand was shaking as I poured too much sugar into the coffee.
“I mean, Red... you’re my kid sister. It’s my job to look out for you; Finn, the way he was then, is not what I wanted for you. But you know what? I was that guy once too. Maybe not as bad, but I did the same shit. I didn’t have the same emptiness to fill that Finn does. You know that. You know...I mean, we both know he literally doesn’t know better.” I snorted and sat beside the table, setting my coffee between us.
“Please. Don’t make excuses for him being a God damn whore. Yeah, his family was a shit show, but I mean...we were his family too. None of us,” I smirked at him and rubbed his shoulder, “besides you for a hot minute, have the questionable morals he does. If he has any at all.” We both knew that wasn’t true but it felt good to say it.
“Red, that is bullshit. Look, I believe we made a difference in his life. We offered him a different idea of what a family can be like. Doesn’t mean his conditioning at home, with the shit show you mentioned, isn’t still a part of him. Finn...he tried with you, didn’t he?” I took a sip of the coffee, burning my tongue and wincing before I answered.
“Define tried? Because, I mean, letting me play his damn house wife for a few weeks so he could get in my pants doesn’t count as trying. Not to me. Telling you that he wanted to be with me. Telling you that night that it was more than just what you saw when you found us. That would have felt like trying to me.” I looked away when his face went soft, tears stinging my eyes.
“Gigi,” Cage let out a sigh and covered my hand with his, “I don’t think it was all that you’re pretending it was. Finn’s a fucking mess too, Red. Just like you are.” I rolled my eyes, tears slipping from my eyes before I swiped them away.
“A mess? Meaning, what, exactly? He hasn’t stuck his dick in someone else yet? Hoo-fucking-ray for him. Bastard.” It would kill me when he did move on, but I knew he would.
“First, language Red. Jesus fuck, the mouth you got on you! Second, you know you will be moving into my place, so you know you will run into him. If you can’t fake it in front of me, how do you plan to do it in front of Finn?” Just then his phone radio went off, a page from work for a call and he leapt to his feet.
“Be careful. Let me think about it.” Cage pressed a kiss atop my head and was out the door.
“Hey, Gigi,” He popped his head back in, dimple flashing, “for the record, no, he has not stuck his dick in anyone else. No one since before I got with Charli. Want to know how I know? The badge bunnies at the pubs talk, but so do the guys at the station. Later, Red.” Well, shit.
That got me wondering. Got me thinking about him, just like Cage had meant it to. I picked up my phone and went to the messages. Dozens of them from Finn. Starting moments after Cage had caught us that night. Stopping just days ago. I read every single one of them. But I never responded.
Finn broke my fucking heart. Not that he knew it was his to break, exactly. I trusted him more than I should have. Which, really, wasn’t his fault. Finn never promised me a single thing. Then again, giving me a key to his place, spending every moment we could together for two months kind of alluded to promises. Pausing at the last message, my eyes watered again.
Finn: I fucking miss you, Sweet Girl. I can smell you in my sheets. I never meant to hurt you. I knew I would because that’s what the fuck I do. I should never have touched you. I’m not sorry I did. I’m just sorry I didn’t say all the shit I should have when you needed me to say it. I won’t text or call or stop you in the hall again. You deserve better than me. Even though I tried to be better for you; I fucking tried. I just don’t know how to do things right for you. I hope you don’t regret it, Gigi. I wish I knew how to make it work. I’m so fucking sorry, Sweet Girl.
It hurt, but it pissed me off too. Finn had texted and called, leaving a few drunken voicemails, in the weeks since that night. Besides that, he had left me alone. Had not tried to catch me in the hall, or come to my dorm, or really anything that resembled him trying.
That’s how I knew him keeping his dick in his pants didn’t mean a thing. Because if he wanted me, he would have fought for me. We didn’t even fight it out. I left that night and that was it. Finn pounded on the door for a while but I told him to get lost. So, he did.
Scooping my coffee up, I left the cottage and headed for Cage’s condo. I wanted to talk to him. Tell Finn just what I thought of his cowardly exit. He fucked me when he knew I had feelings for him. It was obvious for years. Pretended for a few months that maybe he did too. Then it gets sticky and he bails? Of course, he does. The coward.
By the time I reached the condo, I was furious. I stomped up the stairs, my heels clacking on the hardwood and pounded at his door. I realize the I don’t even know if he’s home; Cage is on call, Finn likely is too. Just as I spin to let myself into Cage’s place, I feel him. I don’t hear the door open or the sound of him stepping close. I just feel him.
“Gigi,” He’s close against me, hands on my hips, lips at my ear, “please wait.” Finn is huge and hard and I feel him everywhere. I shudder and he shoves closer, pinning me to Cage’s door.
“I... I just had something to say.” I don’t get to say it because his mouth is at my ear. This is not what I expected after three weeks of silence.
“Shh, let me talk, please. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t tell the whole fucking world we were together.” Suddenly, his hands are on my skin, shoving beneath my sweatshirt, burning me.
“Finn, stop,” I can’t thi
nk when he touches me and he knows it, “I need to say something.” Finn ignores me, his hands changing paths; one shoves up, the other moves down.
“I miss you, Gigi. Come talk to me. Please.” The way he’s pressed against me pins me to the door and my hands fly out, flattening against it.
“No, Finn,” I moan though because his huge hand shoves between my breasts, “we can talk right here.” I know I can’t risk going to his place; that’s where it all started.
“Please, Sweetheart,” His mouth is hot at my ear as he cradles me close, “I need to fix what I fucked up.” I shake my head but he just moves in, kissing and sucking at my skin, making me shudder.
“No fucking way. You’re a fucking liar. A filthy fucking liar.” Still, I let him touch me; let him shove his hands into my yoga pants.
“I never fucking lied to you, Gigi. Fuck, Sweetheart, let me fix it. I need to feel you again. Please.” What in the actual fuck? How does he do this to me?
“Finn, wait...wait.” Finn obeys, stilling his hands but refusing to let me go.
“Whatever you need, Sweet Girl. Tell me what I can do. I’m so fucking sorry.” I try to focus, but his big hands are still all over me.
Though he stopped moving, he has me locked back against him. My favorite fucking place to be. His heart is pounding against me; I can feel it at my cheek.
One large hand shoved at my panties and is cupping my sex. Roughly. One long finger slipped between me, seeing how wet I am for him. The other is cupping my left breast.
That magic mouth of his is at that spot between my neck and shoulder. The place where a simple kiss or a rough nip from his mouth can undo me. Still, he doesn’t move. Just holds me, and so I start to cry. Like ugly, chest wracking sobs. Finn makes a sound and brings me closer.
“Sweetheart don’t. I’m so fucking sorry,” This seems to be his mantra tonight, “Tell me how to fix this? I never meant to hurt you, Gigi. You know fucking better. I tried.” Before I can respond, I’m twisted and lifted against him. Cradled against his massive chest.
Without a word, Finn shoves open the door leading into Cage’s place, slams the door shut behind him and then he’s kissing me. Or I’m kissing him. I don’t know how it happens, but it does. His mouth is sweet and tastes of whiskey.
Which I don’t doubt because he’s never so open without some booze in him. I’m falling back, and then his delicious weight is on top me. We’re on the couch and before I can speak, my sweater is gone and his shirt is too. Then he breaks away, his large hands cupping my face as he watches me in the dark.
“You’re so fucking beautiful. Tell me what to do. I don’t want to hurt you, Sweet Girl. Never. I know I did. I know I fucked up. I don’t know how to do something like this.”
“Something like this? Oh, you mean being with someone for more than wanting to get your dick wet?” Finn growls and thrusts his hips, letting me feel his dick pulsing.
“Yes, Gigi. I wanted you. For more than that sweet pussy.” I moan as he grinds against me; I came here to tell him to fuck off. Why do I think he may end up getting me off first?
“No, you don’t know how to do this. Because you hurt me,” The tears are back and he presses close, kissing them away, “You lied to me the entire fucking time, Finn.” His mouth takes mine and I have to struggle to remember I’m pissed off him. I hate him. I do.
“No. I lied to everyone else because I was fucking terrified. I never touched another woman after you, Gigi. I never even went to the pub after we started, unless you were there with me. I fucked up the night Cage caught us. I should have told him you were mine right then.” Well, that was a new development.
“Finn, I don’t.…I don’t trust you. I pretended that shit you did right in front of me didn’t bother me. It broke my fucking heart, Finn. For years, I wanted you, but I wasn’t good enough.” Finn growled and caught my hands, pinning them above my head with one of his.
“Bullshit. You are too good for someone like me, Gigi. I tried to stay away because I didn’t want to ruin you. But I did it anyway,” My sweater is shoved up suddenly, “I was greedy with you and I took you because I fucking wanted you. I want you now. I don’t think it will ever stop; even if it should.”
Then he bent over me, pressing his mouth between my breasts. I cried out as his tongue traced the swell of my breasts, my nipples hard against the lace. I had more to say. A lot more.
Like telling him not to touch me like he was. To keep his fucking hands to himself. His tongue and teeth too. But he yanked at my bra with his teeth and then he suckled at my nipple and I couldn’t talk. I was rocking against him, feeling his cock hard and heavy against the thin cotton of my leggings.
I wanted him. Just like he had said; I would always want him. My fingers tangled in his thick, long hair, yanking hard when he bit at my nipples, then sucked away the pain. My hips bucked when he began grinding against my pussy, hard and rough. Just like he knew I loved it.
Somehow, my yoga pants were gone and his basketball shorts were shoved aside. My hands found his cock and he growled into my neck. Biting and sucking. I stroked him, not caring about the reason I was here. Just wanting him. Needing him again. It had been weeks and only Finn could make me feel this crazed.
When his fingers spread me open, and he murmured about how wet I was for him, I cried out his name. He thrust two fingers inside me and pumped slowly. My hands worked him to the same rhythm, his hips rocking gently.
“Fuck, I missed how your pussy feels. So fucking perfect. Let me inside again. I need to make you come. I need to hear it. Please, let me fuck you again.”
I whimpered as I nodded, needing it more than I could say. Mostly because I couldn’t talk as his fingers curled inside me and pumped, making me come so hard I screamed his name again.
“Yes. Please, Finn. Fuck me again. Please.” His hands pinned mine to the couch and he thrust as his mouth took mine.
“God damn, Sweetheart. You feel so fucking good wrapped around me. I missed you so much, Gigi. Look at me. Let me see those pretty eyes when I’m inside you.” My eyes fluttered up to meet his as he started pumping into me.
“Make me feel good, baby. Make me come with you inside me again. I need it.” I needed to have a talk with my pussy later. Bitch betrayed me.
“Yes. You’re so fucking beautiful. I need it too. I need it too.” Then he took control, his big body pounding into me as he fucked me hard.
My head threw back, my mouth open as I cried out, but I never looked away. Finn was beautiful. All sinew and muscle, blonde and golden and for a moment, he was mine.
For a while, I thought he always would be. I had wanted it so fucking bad. Now I knew better. Knew he would never let me keep him. Because he set out to destroy everything good in his life. That’s just what he did. It’s what he knew.
As I arched into his thrusts, cried out his name and let him fuck me, I knew it was the last time. I knew he would ask for more, and God, I wanted to give him more. And I knew I couldn't.
Finn wouldn’t give me what I needed. He would never be just mine, and certainly never for keeps. I don't know if he could let himself be happy enough to allow that.
“God damn. Come for me, Sweetheart. Let me feel it. Let me feel you come with that pussy wrapped around my cock. I need it, Gigi.” I obeyed, like I always did when he demanded my pleasure.
“Oh God! Finn!” My nails raked down his bare back, and light burst behind my eyes before I shuddered against him.
“Oh fuck,” Finn growled as be bent close, slowing his thrusts, “I don’t want to come. I don’t want to stop fucking you. I can see it in your fucking eyes. You’re done with me. I don’t want to let you go. Please.” Tears flooded my eyes as I looked away.
“Please, Finn. Don’t. Don’t pretend right now. I’m done.” Still he thrust, slow and deep, watching me with eyes so full of emotion I couldn’t look at him.
Finn pressed close and whispered desperately against my skin. “Gigi please, don’t make me give y
ou up. I’ll fucking stay buried inside this pussy till you take me back. I don’t want to go.”
It was fucking perfect, the slow, sweet thrusts and the press of his body against mine. I knew it would never be enough.
“I’m sorry, Finn. You broke my heart.” I kind of hoped he would do as he threatened. Stay deep inside me and never let me go.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Gigi. I ruined this. I ruined us before we even got a fucking chance. Come with me again. Once more. Please. Give it to me once more.” We were both crying now, and I nodded, clutching him closer.
“Please don’t hate me. I don’t hate you, Finn. I just can’t. Please don’t hate me.” His thrusts picked up, harder and faster, as he touched his forehead to mine.
“So smart. So fucking stupid still. I could never hate you. I wish you could hate me. Might fucking kill me if you did. I’m so sorry. You feel so fucking good. I won’t ever know anything like you again.” Then he slid deep a few more times and kissed me as we came together. One last time.
Then he pulled my clothes back on for me. Finn kissed me sweetly, tears slipping from his beautiful eyes. Without another word, he stood and crossed the room to leave. I wanted to beg him to stay. To ask him to fight for me. But also, I didn’t.
Because I didn't think he could be what I needed. Finn couldn’t give all of himself to someone, and I can’t ask less than that. I wanted to give all of myself to him; I almost had. Finn paused at the door, and that part of me that needed him still wanted to cry out. To beg, even. I didn’t, though.
It was quiet for a long time. I didn’t cry. Not at first. Then I heard it. My phone beeped with a message. Of course, it was Finn.
Finn: I should have said you were mine that night. Because you were. I’m sorry I hurt you Gigi. I am sorry I broke your heart. Fucking wish I could take it back. Wish I could be what you need. Because you are all I could ever need, Gigi. I’ll let you go if that’s what you want. Because I can’t stand hurting you. Please, try to hate me, so that losing you makes sense to me. Because I don’t know how else to get over you, Gigi. Don’t think I ever will.