by Dee Ellis
Even if I had wanted to, which I categorically did not, it would be too much. We could never come back from that. I might have pushed her too far as it was.
My stupid jealousy and selfish ways forced Gigi to admit that, just maybe, she could want someone else. I wanted to kill that pretty mother fucker. Or any mother fucker she looked twice at. Gigi was mine.
For now, I waited. Waited however long it took for Gigi to realize she wanted me or didn’t. It would hurt if she didn’t. Would rip my fucking heart out, in fact. Once, in the weeks after she first walked out, I had considered my options if that had become my reality.
I never told Cage, but I knew I wouldn’t stay here. I couldn’t. I loved her too fucking much to sit and watch her move on with her life and just pretend I was okay with it. Regardless of her choice, I wanted her to have whatever she wanted.
Even if that wasn’t me.
8
For a few hours, I was devastated. I crumbled to the floor against my door. Then I heard moaning. Loud, porn star sounds that tore at my heart. At my fucking soul.
Tears seemed endless until I heard Finn. Heard him come. Loud and animalistic; groaning my name long and loud. I almost laughed. I was so fucking stupid!
Scrambling through the bag I’d dropped by the door, I snatched out my phone. Still hearing the moaning, none of it sounding like Finn, I swiped it open.
After a booze filled night at a frat party our freshman year, Bree agreed to a locate app for safety. I dropped a pin when we got to parties so I could find her and rip her from the shitty situations she got herself into. I wasted no time in locating her and then, I did laugh. Bree was miles away at Loyola, in our old dorm.
Not across the hall fucking my man.
For a few moments, I laughed, curled up against the door. Listening to the porn star noises that I suddenly realized were just that---porn star noises. From a porn I knew he loved, because we had watched it once.
The porn that starred his favorite lead. The woman was such a doppelganger for me, I insisted he never tell Cage about her. How creepy would that be for us both? More for me, of course. Gross.
When I finally drug myself to my feet, I was no longer crying. My breathing no longer rattled in my chest. Fuck, I could breathe. At last my heart didn’t feel like it was ripping in half.
Finn was a son of a bitch for tonight. For letting his jealousy and pain manifest it the way it had tonight. As I heard the porno sounds quiet, I knew he was hurting. More than I had ever realized.
Finn was so certain I wanted Jordan Dexter, that he was all but forcing me to try it out. To see what it could be like to want someone else. Problem was, I was curious. I had only ever wanted Finn. Even the other men I had dated had been temporary. Filling a role until Finn figured his shit out.
Even my family knew it was always Finn. At least, now they had admitted as much. Funny thing was, they were confused why we had hidden it at all. Apparently, we had both been about as obvious as smoke at a fire. Seems we would have had their blessing.
“Finn is a good man,” Pop had murmured softly at lunch the day I had moved in here, “Wish he saw it the way the rest of us do. If he did, perhaps he might have come to me. Never Cage; your brother made it impossible for Finn to do the right thing.” Pop had smirked at me while swirling his fries through my ketchup.
“Pop,” It was just us; we shared a relationship different than the others, “I have been in love with Finn since….it was improper, really.” The wait for his reaction was not long; he laughed. Deep and hearty, pressing a hand to his taut belly.
“Gigi. Exactly two people are unaware that you are in love with that boy. Cage was as blind as he could possibly manage to be to it.” I joined his laughter, laying my head at his shoulder.
“Who else?” Despite knowing the answer, I knew I needed my father, the man I respected more than anyone, to make me see I wasn’t crazy.
“Finn, of course. Shortstop, I knew you always looked at him differently. Never the way those boys thought you did. Finn always lit you up the minute he entered a room. I wondered if it might pass. Then, after your little sabbatical to escape it, I knew different. I saw you two at some get together Mom had. The minute he saw you and you saw him, I knew better. It’s beautiful, and it scares the shit out of him.” We laughed again and I hugged him tight, stealing his fries while he stole my onion rings.
Pop wasn’t the best at talking feelings. Even worse at showing them. When he did, though, he got it right every single time. As much as Mom was the matriarch and ran our family like a well-oiled machine, Pop was the heart the fueled that machine. Just didn’t know how to show it all the time.
By the time I came along, the rough edges that Regan, Tegan, and Cage had smoothed out, one by one, were rounded and easier for me to navigate. Which was why we shared those kinds of lunches where he ate my food and I used his ketchup and we battled life together.
While I knew that wasn’t exactly his blessing, I knew if Finn wanted it, he’d get it. Pop loved Finn like another son. The pride on his face when Cage and Finn were sworn in still got me misty eyed.
Finn had more than just me believing he was a good man. He was just sure he would never measure up. Didn’t matter that I thought he did. Finn would sabotage everything good in his life, thinking he didn’t deserve it.
Hearing that Jordan Dexter wanted me and I had considered wanting him was all the reason he needed. To fuck it up and to hurt us both. Really, I knew it was hurting him more this time. Because I wasn’t sure I didn’t want Jordan.
Then again, I wasn’t sure I did. Finn was right about one thing; we didn’t allow ourselves time to heal. That crazy kinetic connection we had pushed us back into each other’s arms.
Instead of dealing with my walking away, or how it killed me to wait on the sidelines for so long, we just picked back up. As if the fucked-up relationship we had before could ever be what either of us needed. Not if we wanted to work.
I wanted to work. Finn owned all of my keys, even if he had no idea. That shit he said tonight was true. Even if I wanted someone else; talking or flirting was one thing. Seeing what it might feel like was about all I thought I'd allow. I wouldn't take it further.
It would take a helluva lot for me to let another man touch me. To give what I had given Finn. Thinking of letting another man have that part of me made me sick. Physically sick. I wondered if it had ever felt that way for Finn. Tonight certainly had me doubting that fact.
Finn had been right days ago; Bree had always come on to him. I'd never cared. I mean, I cared of course; until tonight I never felt like it could cost me something. That his own jealousy might drive him to make a mistake we could not come back from.
I had no doubt Bree would tell me whatever she thought would drive me away. Tonight must feel like a fucked-up victory to her. Now I understood why she was never happy for us when we got together. Why talking to him again seemed to bother her so. My best friend thought it was her turn at my man.
Too fucking bad. Apparently, I needed to teach the bitch some rules. Screwing my sophomore year crush at a party she forced me to go to, in hopes of hooking up with said crush, was not the same as fucking the man I loved. Not that Bree knew what love meant.
Once upon a time, we were thick as thieves. We would sit on my family’s deck and read and daydream and talk about books and boys. Then she grew tits, and then paid for better ones, and something changed. The minute boys started looking at her, Bree changed.
I knew she had a bitter relationship with her father, but I hate to allow her the excuse that it’s daddy issues; Bree is just used to getting what she wants, no matter the costs.
“Charli,” I needed someone who still knew what it meant to be my friend, “I need you. You guys busy?” Charli giggled, and then I heard her chastising what I had no doubt was Cage.
“Absolutely not. Want me to come to you? Or you come to the cottage?” I glanced at the door and couldn’t even consider leaving.
“C-Could you come to me, Charli? I’m…. I don’t think I can leave.” I could feel the minute she sobered, as her end went quiet.
“Be right there, sweetie.” Tears stung my eyes as the line went dead. Charli knew exactly what love meant.
Ten minutes later, Charli was walking in without knocking, and I loved her. By then, I had made it to the wide leather couch, but Charli didn’t join me. Instead she dropped her things, heading into the kitchen without a word.
When she did join me, she had two huge glasses of wine and a layout of cheese and crudités. Cage needed to marry this girl; like, yesterday. I took the wine and curled into the corner, almost weeping when she curled up behind me. I talked and Charli listened.
“Finn is so positive I belong with someone else. Doesn’t it matter that I don’t want someone else?” I'd emptied my wine, so Charli was quick to pour another glass.
“Oh, Sweetie. Finn doesn’t think you should want him. Don’t you see that? Finn didn’t keep quiet because he was ashamed or because of Cage. Finn kept you to himself because he thought as long as no one knew, you wouldn’t realize you were making a mistake. That man wholeheartedly believes you will just realize one day he was a wild, hot mistake and nothing more.” I considered this as I shoved some nuts and cheese into my mouth.
“I love him. I don’t care if he is a mistake. It doesn’t feel like a mistake. Nothing I feel for Finn feels like it could ever be wrong.” Charli played with my long hair and talked soothingly and the ache in my chest started to ease.
“Gigi, I love you Coopers. The lot of you. I know exactly how Finn feels about you. I know what you feel for him. The air is thick with it when you two are together. How the rest of the Coopers missed it, I have no clue. Still,” Charli popped some cherries into her mouth and talked around them, “clearly something about this professor made you consider him, yeah? I mean, Sweetie, you haven’t even tried with other men. Have you?” I sighed and lay back, staring at the shadows floating over the ceiling.
“No. It’s been Finn since I was fourteen. I liked other men, flirted with them. Dated other men. Then I would see Finn, and I would just feel like “Oh, right. That’s why nothing else works. It’s always him.” I know it’s not rational, maybe not even healthy. I have obsessed over Finn most my life. How do I just stop that?” Charli sighed and contemplated my question.
“I don’t think you do. I don’t think Finn truly wants you to. Your relationship was built on questions. Should we do this? Why are we doing this? What does it mean? No questions got answered while you two snuck around. Finn doesn’t believe he is good enough for you. Someone else, someone like this professor looks good enough in his eyes. We all saw him, those weeks you were apart. Finn wants you more now than you want him. Relationships shift. Cage and I have a few times, in fact. One wants the other more. One needs the other less. You have the power, Sweetie. Finn realizes it and wants you to be sure, because that power…it could end him, Gigi.” Sighing sadly and swirling my wine in my glass, I stared at the door, wishing I knew what he was doing.
“I don’t want Jordan. I mean, I don’t think I do; yeah, he’s handsome and we have a lot in common. I don’t know, Charli Doll. After tonight…I want to do it just to spite him. I just want to hurt him more. That’s not a rational response, right? I should go to him and tell him…tell him that I fucking love him, and I only want him. Instead….” Charli had braided my hair by now, and she unbraided it and started again.
“Don’t do it to hurt him, Gigi. Because if you do love him like I think you do, it will just hurt you later. You will feel wretched. I know exactly how it feels to think I want someone. To believe it. Then to realize one day, one man is all I could possibly want. Just…for as long as you two can stand it, consider his suggestion. Don’t do something you will both regret later.” The wine left me hazy as I glanced at her in confusion.
“Do what, then? Flirt with another man? Go on a date, maybe? While I hurt Finn, and break my own heart?” At my chest, my heart constricted and I gasped.
“Sweetie, you two are still wrecked, still struggling with doubts and questions. Fucking, while no doubt amazing, fixes none of that. Finn wants you to figure it out and come back to him. The man just doubts you will come back. Maybe you won’t want to, Gigi. Right now, Finn is all you want. What about in five years? What about forever? If you don’t make it clear to both of you that he’s all you want, those doubts you both have, they’ll just wreck you later.” It hurt but I knew she was right. My entire life, I had only wanted one man.
How could I really know if it was real? If it was more than infatuation? It was going to hurt, but I had to know. Finn deserved to have his doubts washed away too. Because I did love him. I had no doubt about that. I loved him enough to risk hurting us both. Just like he had tonight. I jolted forward, choking on some cashews as I realized the truth.
“Finn loves me?” I said it like a question. Once I heard myself say it, I knew it was true.
“Oh, Gigi…you beautiful idiot. Finn loves you more than he knows how to handle. That man,” Charli tipped her head towards the door, “is full of such self-hate, he wrecks the good in his life. You are the best thing to happen to him, so he wrecked it. That you came back after doesn’t compute in his pretty little head. Finn loves you Coopers. One of you more than the others. But I doubt he knows what love really looks like.” Damn, she was brilliant. Lizzie Bennett in the flesh, I was certain.
“To prove to us both that I love him I have to consider wanting someone else? This is seriously fucked up. My love life is more complicated than Dex and Camille’s.” We laughed before talk turned to our favorite book series. We talked about the Dominate Dex for hours.
When Charli left sometime after midnight, I knew it was mostly because Cage had gone as long as he could tolerate without her. Otherwise, she might have stayed, just to be sure I was back in one piece.
I loved the way she loved my brother, and even more how he loved her. Once upon a time, not that long ago, in fact, I doubted he’d ever find that. Too busy sticking his dick in whatever would let him. Much like my Finn. My Finn.
After everything, would he still be mine?
It became a routine over the next few weeks for us to avoid each other at all costs. Finn wasn’t staying at the fire station, unless he was on a shift that required it, so I always felt him come and go. Felt him. I could hear him hesitate in the hall before he left. Whether it was late at night or before dawn.
There would be a moment I was certain we were sharing the same air, waiting for something to break. Then Finn would let out a soft sound, and he would be gone. Only then did I head to class. Or work, which was a new endeavor.
The very next day after the Bree Blowout, as I came to dub it, I applied at my favorite coffee shop. I needed the independence. I had always relied on my father and the excess from my many scholarships to live off of. I wanted something that was my own.
I got the job on the spot when the very harried and adorable owner, Maggie, screamed at an impatient customer, then threw an apron at me. I rounded the counter, and just like that, I was employed. It had been just a little over a week, but I loved it.
I loved the heady scent of coffee that clung to my clothes and hair. I loved the quirky customers, some of who I looked forward to seeing daily. Most of all, I loved Maggie.
Brash and loud, she didn’t talk so much as shout. With wild carrot colored curls and more freckles than fair skin, she was two feet shorter than I was and made me laugh every day.
“Look at this fine specimen.” Maggie, in her mid-thirties, was also an incorrigible flirt.
“Wha--...” I went cold and nearly dropped the steaming pitcher of espresso I was holding.
Jordan Dexter. Looking handsome in dark washed jeans, a crisp plaid button up and a leather jacket. Somehow, the heavy boots didn’t match what I knew of Jordan. My eyes darted past him to see a motorcycle parked outside. Interesting.
With his dark hair a wavy mess and a days�
� worth of stubble on his face, he was a fine specimen indeed. Rugged handsome in a new way, as if I saw him with new eyes. Jordan was muscular in a lean way, with corded arms, solid thighs, and strong hands. It was his hands that made me first consider him pretty, in fact.
“Morning, Gorgeous. Can I have a large hazelnut, extra foam?” Jordan spoke as if we shared a secret, and Maggie noticed right away.
“Coming right up.” As I rang him up, avoiding his eyes, she prepared his coffee.
“You look lovely today.” Jordan spoke huskily as he waited. I realized there were no customers waiting, and Maggie was taking her sweet time.
“Th-thank you, Professor Dexter.” Jordan beamed at me, and I felt myself blush, which meant he could no doubt see it.
“Jordan. You know I hate when you call me Professor. Can…can we get lunch today? After class, maybe?” I was ready with the no; the same no I gave all the other men who flirted or asked me out.
“Where?” I did not say no, and I immediately regretted it because his handsome face lit up.
“Wherever you’d like.” I considered saying no still, but I knew I had to know for myself, and for Finn.
“Yes. Lunch after class. See you at class, Jordan.” Those dark eyes went from coffee to deep chocolate as he took his order from me.
“Thank you. See you then, Gorgeous.” Once he was gone, Maggie let out a low whistle.
“Score for Gigi!” I tried to smile, but inside I was panicking.
“Just lunch, Mags. It’s…complicated. Jordan is my professor. I just…I’m sort of seeing someone; I mean, I was; we kind of…took a break, I guess?” Maggie nodded and laid her head of curls at my shoulder.
“Figuring things out. As you should be. You’re young, gorgeous, and as far as I can tell, generally you retain all your motor functions. Shit, you should be figuring things out every day of the week.” Maggie let out a wicked laugh as I forced a smile.