by Wolf, Bree
Try as he might, Thorne knew that he would never be able to ensure every child’s future. He certainly would do his best to protect them, them and their families, but he knew it would never be enough.
But for Samantha, there were no limits. Nevertheless, all she ever dreamed of was a mother. A mother who would love her, who would soothe her tears and read her stories. A mother who would stay by her side for the rest of her life, provide counsel and loving care.
Could Christina be that woman? Was it possible that perhaps in a year from now they would all be a family?
Looking at Samantha, Thorne knew that that was what she wanted. In truth, though, it was what he wanted as well.
Chapter Eighteen
Men to Love
Taking her mother’s advice, Christina invited Louisa and Leonora for an afternoon visit. The three sisters sat outside in the gardens near the small fountain where two marble benches had been set in the shade of a canopy of tree branches. The sun shone down almost mercilessly; its heat only offset by the soft breeze that stirred the leaves above.
“There is something on your mind,” Louisa remarked with a thoughtful gaze, her eyes slightly narrowed. “Something that gives you concern.” She exchanged a look with Leonora, and both sisters seemed to scoot closer on their bench as though proximity was key. “Tell us.”
Christina smiled at Louisa’s blunt words. Her sister had a way of saying out loud what others might simply think, but not voice. Christina often found it made it easier to address certain issues. “Yes, you’re quite right. In fact, it was mother who suggested I speak to the two of you.”
“The two of us?” Leonora echoed her gaze once more drifting to her elder sister. “Why the two of us?”
Christina inhaled a slow breath. Though she was not generally wont to shy away from addressing uncomfortable subjects, she could not help but feel a hint of unease.
“Oh, out with it!” Louisa exclaimed with an impatient wave of her hand. “I’m not getting any younger!”
This time, Christina and Leonora exchanged a glance before both of them chuckled. “You sound like Grandma Edie,” Leonora remarked, gently elbowing Louisa in the side. “Are you suggesting you’ve become wise beyond your years? You’ve been married no more than six months, not sixty years.”
Louisa feigned a laugh, then quickly turned her gaze back to Christina. “Well?”
“Well,” Christina began, feeling a bit more at ease after the short bout of sisterly affection, “I asked you here because there’s something I wish to speak to you about.” She looked from Louisa to Leonora, wondering how they felt about intimacies with their husbands. Of course, she had observed the occasional kiss between Louisa and Phineas while Leonora and Drake seemed to reserve such displays of affection for more private moments. Was there a reason why their two marriages seemed so different to an outside observer like her?
In all honesty, Christina found it rather annoying that young women were rarely told about marital aspects. They were told to do their duty, certainly; however, intriguing details were conveniently left out. Christina remembered her mother looking rather tense and flustered and surmised that perhaps it was simply a sense of mortification to discuss these matters in the light of day. Still, Christina had heard it whispered here and there that husbands, like people in general, were not all alike. In fact, she remembered hearing some old matron mumbling behind her fan that men like Mr. Sharpe, men who could not be considered gentlemen, often demanded unspeakable things from their wives.
Christina wished she knew what those unspeakable things were.
“As I am myself on the brink of matrimony,” she began carefully, seeing a somewhat tense expression upon Leonora’s face, “I was wondering if you would kindly share your own insights into marriage with me.”
Leonora looked down at her hands folded in her lap. “Well, I—”
“That is a heavily worded sentence, little sister!” Louisa exclaimed, those inquisitive eyes of hers lingering upon Christina’s face in a way that made her want to squirm. “What exactly are you asking?”
Christina grinned at her sister. “Always straight to the point, aren’t you?”
Louisa shrugged. “I find it saves time.”
“That is something Grandma Edie would say,” Leonora remarked with a chuckle. “Again.”
Christina laughed. “It would seem you are becoming more and more like our dear grandmother every day.”
Holding Christina’s gaze, Louisa shook her head. “Don’t even try to distract me. Now, what is it you want to know?”
Christina met Louisa’s daunting gaze with an equal one of her own. “Well, if you must know, mother cautioned me to rethink my acceptance of Mr. Sharpe’s proposal—if you can call it that.” She shrugged. “I know, all of you have more or less done the same; however, she urged me to speak to the two of you about…marital intimacies.”
A bright grin came to Louisa’s face. “I see,” she said in a teasing voice. “What is it that you wish to know?”
For a moment, Christina was at a loss, but then she remembered her mother’s words. “Do you mind…being close? How does it make you feel when Phineas embraces you? Kisses you?”
A longing sigh left Louisa’s lips and a dream-like expression came to her eyes that said more than a thousand words.
Christina laughed. “You enjoy his affections that much?”
Louisa nodded eagerly, a wide grin upon her face. In all honesty, she seemed rather childlike in that moment; however, Christina did not fail to detect the utter joy that seemed to linger in every fiber of her sister’s being.
“And…your wedding night was…?” Christina began carefully, uncertain how to finish her question. Fortunately, she did not have to.
“Wonderful!” Louisa exclaimed, the dreamlike look still upon her face. “Amazing! Marvelous!” She grinned at Christina. “Is that what you wanted to know?”
Christina nodded. “So, it did not make you feel uncomfortable?”
Louisa laughed. “Of course not. Admittedly, I was a bit nervous, yes. But mostly I remember being overly excited and more than a little impatient.” She grinned devilishly before the look upon her face sobered. “Is that what you are worried about? That you might not like his…attentions?”
“Mother suggested I might not.”
Louisa nodded thoughtfully. “I suppose that can be true if you marry without love.”
Christina drew in a slow breath. Of course, she was under no delusions about her union with Mr. Sharpe. There was no love between them, but perhaps one day there could be. However, until then…would he demand intimacies of her that she would be unwilling to give?
“What about you and Drake?” Christina asked Leonora, wondering about how—after the vicious attack upon her a little more than a year earlier—she had experienced her recent wedding night. After all, not even a fortnight had passed since.
Leonora exchanged a look with Louisa before she turned her attention back to Christina. “Quite honestly, I have to say that I was very nervous.” Her chest rose with a deep breath as she searched for the right words to explain how she had felt. “You know that I feel completely at ease with Drake. I love him and I trust him, and yet that night, I felt tense and…apprehensive. Not because of him, but because…”
A slight frown came to Leonora’s face as her teeth sank into her lower lip. “I think it was different that night because a marriage is to be consummated on the wedding night, is it not? It is not only expected but demanded. It is part of a contract, and the contract is not binding unless…” She broke off and shook her head, her blue eyes shining with an odd mixture of vulnerability and defiance. “Quite frankly, it felt…forced.”
Louisa smiled at her, reaching out a comforting hand and placing it upon Leonora’s.
Christina frowned. “But Drake did not…? I mean, he…?”
Leonora’s eyes widened as she grasped Christina’s meaning. “Of course not. I think, he knew before even I did that
something was wrong.” A small smile danced over her features. “He often does. He pulled me into his arms and…put my mind at ease in that utterly endearing way of his.” A longing sigh left her lips. “We did not consummate our marriage that night, but a few days later instead when it didn’t feel…forced. It simply happened and was not planned in any way. It felt natural, and it was beautiful.”
Christina smiled at her sisters, glad to hear that they both had experienced such wonderful moments with their husbands, that they had found husbands who treated them with respect and kindness. Indeed, Phineas and Drake could not be more different, but they both looked at their wives the very same way.
It was love, was it not? Love that made all the difference. What would a marriage without love, a wedding night without love, be like?
“You need to be certain of what you want,” Leonora counseled carefully. “You need to be certain what you are willing to endure. According to the law, Mr. Sharpe will have every right to consummate your marriage on your wedding night.”
Christina shook her head as a small shiver ran down her back. “He will not force me,” she replied instantly, uncertain where that conviction came from.
“How do you know?” Leonora demanded, her hands once more trembling, no doubt inspired by the memories of a most painful moment. “You hardly know him, and we all know that he came to London to seek influential connections. Yours is not a love match, and only a husband who loves his wife can be trusted to treat her with the necessary consideration.”
Louisa nodded in agreement as she squeezed Leonora’s hands reassuringly. “You know me, Chris. I am far from cautious. Yet I, too, urge you to consider this carefully. We all know of marriages that are nothing more than a contract. We’ve all seen the false smiles that hide a sorrowful heart. I dread the thought that you might end up like one of them.”
Christina heaved a deep sigh. “I thank you for your concern, and I know I cannot disregard what you said. Of course, you’re right. Yes, I, too, have seen these women, these wives, and I have pitied them, sworn that I would never join their ranks.” Her gaze moved from her sisters to the horizon, or where it would have been were it not blocked by a tall, leafy hedge. Still, Christina did not see the greenery before her but instead tried to recall her betrothed’s face, the moments they had spent with one another. Although it was true that she did not know him very well, a part deep down urged her to place her trust in him. Perhaps that part of her was foolish. Perhaps it was wise. She did not know, and she could not know. What was she to do?
“You will marry him, nonetheless, won’t you?” Louisa finally said into the stillness, her inquisitive eyes once more lingering upon Christina’s face. “You have that look about you. I’ve seen it before. It means that while you have heard what we said, you will do what you see fit, nonetheless. Are you not worried? Not in the least?”
Again, that odd shiver snaked its way down Christina’s back. “Perhaps a little,” she admitted, heaving a deep sigh as a sense of relief swept through her. Perhaps she ought to have spoken to her sisters earlier, to have voiced her concerns and seen her heart lightened by simply sharing such things with those she held dear.
An aghast look in her eyes, Leonora shook her head. “How can you do this? Are you not afraid?”
Christina considered this for a moment. “No, I’m not afraid. I am perhaps…a little nervous, but not afraid.” Indeed, Mr. Sharpe had never inspired fear in her, not even when they had stood head-to-head, and he had been reluctant to give in to her demands. Although he was not a gentleman, he was a decent man.
Or at least, Christina hoped that he was.
That she was not mistaken.
That he was not fooling her.
That she was not making a monumental mistake.
Chapter Nineteen
Measurements of a Marriage
A beautiful summer’s day drew many people to Hyde Park. They promenaded along the Serpentine, enjoying the soft balmy breeze as well as the sight of shrubs and flowers in bloom. Bees buzzed busily, and birds trilled from every branch. The lawns were crowded with children, racing one another or enjoying a picnic with their families.
Walking side-by-side with Christina, Thorne glanced over his shoulder at her family, situated under a small tent, their eyes following them like those of hawks. “I wish I could read their minds,” he mumbled before turning back to look at his betrothed. Then he laughed, “Although perhaps it is better that I cannot, for the looks upon some of their faces suggest rather murderous thoughts.”
Christina followed his gaze and chuckled. “I’m afraid you might be correct.” Her eyes shifted to meet his. “Quite frankly, with the exception of Harriet, my sisters seem to dislike you.” She paused, a slight frown coming to her face. “Perhaps that is not completely accurate. They…do not trust you. They are concerned for me.” She lifted her brows in a challenging gesture. “Should they be?”
“Are you asking for them?” Thorne wondered, unable to shake the feeling that something was different since he had returned from Pinewood Manor. “Or for yourself?”
Although the glow in her eyes remained, there was a slight twitch to her lips as though she had to force herself to maintain the smile she showed him. Yes, something was different. “Does it matter? They are a part of me, and I will forever be a part of them. That is what family is, is it not?”
Thorne nodded, well aware that she had not answered his question. “Yes, I’m beginning to see that. Family is priceless.” He thought of Samantha and wondered if perhaps one day the Whickerton clan would strive to protect her as much as they were now protecting Christina. He hoped they would!
The smile upon Christina’s face faltered. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, dropping her gaze momentarily. “I did not mean to cause you pain. I cannot imagine what life would be like without my family. I cannot imagine ever being without them.” Her eyes returned to meet his, a question in them that he understood well without words.
“It is lonely,” Thorne told her openly as they turned down a somewhat less crowded path, the canopy of the trees overhead shielding them from the almost blistering sun. “You learn to rely on yourself alone because, when you’re weak, there’s no one else who will be strong for you. That life has taught me to be cautious and self-sufficient, to be distrustful and always expect the worst in order to be prepared and not be caught off my guard.” Thorne felt her eyes upon him as he spoke. He all but felt her soft breath as she took in every word, mulled it over in her mind and tried to imagine a life quite unlike her own. She was a thoughtful and empathetic person, and Thorne liked that about her.
He liked her.
Christina looked lost in thought for a long time and just when he was about to ask what was on her mind, she turned to him and asked, “What is marriage to you?”
Thorne had to admit that he had not expected that question, and so he shrugged. “Quite truthfully, I have not yet given it much thought. As I’ve never been married before, I have no experience to draw upon.” He grinned at her, trying to lighten the mood because he sensed that something else was hiding underneath that simple question. “I suppose, marriage means companionship. It means to have someone to speak to and to count on. At least, I hope it will.”
Her head bobbed along to his words as though in approval, and he could see a small measure of relief lighting up her eyes. Had she been concerned?
“And for you?” Thorne asked as he moved to step into her path, his gaze seeking hers. “What does this marriage mean for you? After all, you’ve made it unmistakably clear that you do not approve of me in any way and are only sacrificing yourself in order to protect your friend.” He grinned at her, his voice light and teasing. Only he could not deny the sudden tightness that came to his heart.
Christina shook her head at him, but once again refrained from answering. “Are you ever serious? We are to be married in less than a fortnight, and here you are speaking as though this was nothing more than a jest.” Her brows furro
wed as she regarded him carefully. “Is there no small part of you that is concerned? You will be sharing your life with someone you hardly know.”
“Is that what concerns you?” Thorne replied, noting the way her gaze dropped from his for no more than a split second. Although it would have been easy to miss, Thorne could not imagine ever being oblivious to anything that concerned her. It seemed the moment she drew near, his attention, his thoughts and emotions shifted toward her, like a moth drawn to a flame. “Are you worried to be sharing your life with me? If that is the case, then say it.”
For a moment, she hesitated, but then nodded. “It is. Does that surprise you? Displease you?” A daring note came to her voice as she held his gaze.
Thorne could not help but think that this was some kind of test to make out his character, to see what he was made of. “No, it does not surprise me. In fact, it would surprise me if you had no reservations at all for what you say is true, we hardly know each other. How am I to know what kind of person you are? Perhaps you have despicable taste, and I will soon find myself living in a home I cannot bear to look at,” he teased, and she laughed. “Perhaps your idea of a delicious dish is one I cannot stomach. Perhaps you have a most dreadful singing voice, and yet insist upon entertaining me each and every night with a song.”
Christina rolled her eyes at him, then turned back down the path, laughing. “Indeed, you are a most dreadful person. How will I ever tolerate you?”
Thorne liked the easy conversation between them, and he hoped it would always be thus. “Perhaps,” he continued, as he fell into step beside her once more, “you snore in your sleep, and I will not have a moment of peace.”
Although she did not stop in her tracks or flinch in any way, Thorne could not help but think that somehow his words unsettled her. Was it the intimacies they would naturally share as husband and wife that gave her concern?