The year Sebby would have turned twenty, Col was in East Timor. Another volunteer nursing stint. Col drank his toasts to Sebby with honest to goodness real Aussie beer, and still felt so far from home, wherever that might be, and so very lonely and alone.
Colin knew the third of November that Sebby turned twenty one would be the fucking hardest one ever. Though maybe it would be the last one. No, it would be the last one, and Colin wasn’t sure why he was still doing this anyway. The Rose and Thorn was gone. There was a tapas bar now in its place, as part of the ritzy boutique development that had replaced the Rose and Thorn. It would do, he could get a beer or some wine there. It wasn’t particularly busy, mostly empty in fact, and Col could just sit there in peace. Or not in peace. That particular night was a vigil, even if it was in the most unlikely of places. And it was a final apology to Sebby, and maybe it was about accepting the pain, and moving on, at least a little. Trying to let go of anger and grief and regret and all the things that had gotten twisted up in his life. It would be a final farewell to Sebby. Sebby who never got a first kiss or to live an amazing life. Who never even got to see sixteen.
‘Sorry if I’m late. I couldn’t find the pub. But someone said this is where it used to be. This is the right place, isn’t it? I guess it must be, since you’re here. So, hi Col, I’ve come to keep our date.’
Shock came first at the voice and the impossible words. Shock as if Col was being drowned in arctic seas, icy cold and breathless and numb. Then anger came like a tsunami for whatever fucking stupid joke this was, for whatever evil fucking prank someone had thought to play on him. Col’s fists bunched on the table, hands that had held and soothed sick and dying children for years were moved to violence, mindless, horrible violence. And then other hands covered his fists, albeit a little shakily.
‘I promised I’d do this, okay? I promised Sebby. I said, mate he’s not going to be there, but Sebby said you would be, and here you are. So for tonight I’m Sebby okay, and I’ve got a lot of stuff to tell you. So don’t hit me, okay? Shit - You’re scaring me.’ The young man drew a quick sharp breath, looking worried. ‘I thought you were a big guy because I was just a kid, but you are a big guy, and you’ll kill me if you throw a punch. So please don’t? Please? I need to do this. Tonight I’m Seb Andersson, and I’m here to tell you about my first kiss and my amazing life.’
3.
Col had no idea what the hell to say, for a moment he could only stare at the stranger in front of him. He shook off the young man’s hands and said, as calmly as he could, ‘I’m not going to hit you, but I’d like you to leave. Now. This isn’t funny.’
‘Oh. Hell, I didn’t even think, maybe you’re on a date and waiting for someone, and maybe you don’t even remember Sebby. Sorry, this is crazy. Sebby thought… And you don’t even know who I’m talking about.’
That stabbed Col, the ridiculous idea that he’d forgotten Seb, and maybe Col looked even angrier. ‘I know exactly who you’re talking about. But this is cruel. Very cruel. And I don’t know who the fuck you are but - ‘
The young man stared straight back at Col, stubbornly, and then sat down opposite, with a look that said he wasn’t going anywhere. ‘Well, I’m supposed to be Sebby, just for tonight. And I’m supposed to tell you stuff. Okay, I’m going to do it quickly, in case you do hit me.’ He drew another quick breath, and scrubbed a hand through his messy dark brown hair. Then he focused on Col, with eyes the colour of whiskey, and his expression pained but resolute.
‘So, here goes. I did get my first kiss. It was four days before, well, what happened, happened. And it was with my best friend. And yeah, it was pretty awful, even though he said he knew how to kiss, he’d only kissed girls, well, two anyway, and so it was weird, at least at first. But you know something? It was also the best first kiss I could have ever hoped for. Just the way you said it would be, Col, and it was the kiss I was always going to remember. The kiss I was never, ever going to forget.’ A pained smile crossed the young man’s features.
What the hell? Col could only stare. This was not, of course, Sebby Andersson. Sebby had died and had haunted Col for years, and now someone was - what? ‘Stop this - whatever it is, stop it now.’
Dark amber eyes lit with defiance. ‘No, damn you, I came all this way to tell you. And to keep a promise, and I’m keeping that promise, and you are going to listen. So listen.
‘I did fall in love. Of course I did get my heart broken, well, at least once. And yeah maybe I did break someone’s heart, even if I didn’t mean to. As for wild crazy crushes, well, it was kind of a tie between you - I was so fucking crazy about you, and yeah, I wanted you to be my first kiss - and my mate Hal. I mean he was my other mad crush. Or maybe I really was in love with him. I do know he was my best mate.’ The young man finally looked away, his hands knotted on the table, his knuckles white, but he hadn’t finished.
‘Okay. I’m sorry I couldn’t wait till I was twenty-one for my first kiss, but you know why I couldn’t wait, Col. So I made Hal kiss me. Kind of blackmailed him into it, but he really wanted to; he’d just never have had the guts to admit it.’ A harsh bark of almost laughter, and almost a sob. And Col could only sit there, stunned.
Hal? Oh, God, now Colin knew who this was, and knew too he deserved this, with all its raw pain and memories of a dying boy.
Hal was continuing, words tumbling over words. ‘And I did tell my parents I was gay, and well, not great. I mean my father hit the roof, and then just pretended I’d never said anything, though he didn’t talk to me much for a few months. My mother wanted to pray for me, and she told our minister. And then she had a fight with him, and told him - well, let’s say she told him to get stuffed. That’s my mum.’ Hal sighed and half-shrugged. ‘And then I told my mates in the football team. Well, you know how I said they’d throw me off the team? Didn’t happen, Col.
‘It was such shitty luck, but the Wombats were doing so badly, and I was the only one kicking any goals that season. As long as I kept kicking goals there wasn’t much crap over being gay. And I still had to play for the Marwillbah Wombats, and it was freaking embarrassing, because they were just so useless. Boy, were they useless.’ Hal shook his head in disgust for a moment. Then he lifted those whisky-bright eyes to Col’s, and smiled. ‘All the ball handling skills of an armless eunuch, as my dad would have said.
‘And no, you were right, I didn’t go to Ag College, and my dad really blew a gasket about that. But I ended up at the Australian National University, doing a four year degree in advanced computer science. And that’s a big deal, because it’s almost impossible to get the marks to get accepted for that course. But I did it. Because that’s what I really wanted to do. I worked like a dog to get in, and I still work like a dog. But it’s worth it. I’ve got one more year until I finish my degree, and then I’ll work out where I go and what I do. But you know what, Col? My life has been fucking amazing.’
‘I’m sorry.’ It came belatedly, whisper soft, almost scared from Col. ‘You don’t know how sorry I am.’
‘You’re��� sorry?’ Hal looked confused. ‘Right, maybe I messed it up. Or got things wrong. Believe me, it’s not easy doing this. It hurts a lot, as it happens. Let me start again. I’m Daniel Halstead. My mates call me Hal, maybe because of my surname, maybe because A Space Odyssey is my favourite movie of all time. I was always into science fiction and computing. Still am. Anyway, forget that.
‘Six years ago my best friend, Seb Andersson, died of cancer. And you knew Sebby, and Seb was just crazy about you. I mean, I know it was kind of a kid’s crush, but besides that he thought you were a wonderful man in every way possible. He thought you were the best nurse in that place. And the kindest. And he admired you, hell did he admire you. You were the first person he ever told he was gay. Because he knew, Col, I mean Mr O’Ryan, that his time was almost up. And he trusted you so much.’
‘Col.’ Col corrected automatically. ‘Not, Mr O’Ryan. Col. And Hal? You’re Hal? Oh, hell.’ Th
e dark haired kid who wouldn’t leave Sebby’s bedside in those last days. The kid in the photo who’d stood outside the Marwillbah Pub, head turned shyly from the camera - or had he just been looking at Sebby? This was it then, what Col had perhaps been dreading, his confession of the terrible thing he had done, even if Hal apparently seemed to know what Colin had done. ‘Yeah, he trusted me, and I abused that trust. Terribly. I did something unforgiveable, as you obviously know. I told Seb-your friend some terrible lies. And I know it doesn’t make any difference, but I have spent six years regretting ever-‘
‘Col - Shit. No! It wasn’t like that. You saved my life - well, maybe you didn’t exactly save my life, but Sebby did. Because of you. Please, just listen, I promise you, you never did a bad thing. You did a great thing. And that’s what I’m supposed to tell you.’
‘No, I’m sorry. Whatever you say, whatever you think, doesn’t make it right. Can’t ever make it right. Because I did something unforgiveable six years ago. Certainly unethical and unprofessional. Something very cruel. I lied to a patient. To a dying child, no less. I told your friend, who I knew was dying, that he was going to-‘ Col couldn’t continue, and he just couldn’t look at this intense young man. ‘I was a fucking bastard. I admit it. Because I was weak, and I couldn’t face-‘
‘No, you weren’t. Not a bastard, and not weak. You told Sebby he was strong and that he was amazing,’ Hal said softly and very gently, ‘and that he was going to have an amazing life, and he’d do something great in the world. I pretty much know what you told him word for word. Because it meant so damn much to him that you thought he was amazing, and he told me all about it. Because it mattered to him. But more than that, he made me promise I would be here, on his twenty first birthday, to meet you and keep the date, as he put it. And I had six years to do all the things Sebby would have done.
‘And you know what, Colin O’Ryan, Sebby did do amazing things as far as I’m concerned. Not big things maybe, to anyone else. But he made me live every bloody day, and yeah, sometimes I fucked up badly. But I guess we all do that sometimes.
‘But I loved Sebby, like a mate, like… I don’t know. Let’s just say I loved him. And I still love him. I always will.
‘If Sebby hadn’t died, you know we probably wouldn’t even still be friends today. Seb and I. Crazy isn’t it? Even though I loved him so bloody much. Because he would have told people he was gay, and I wouldn’t have ever admitted I was gay. And he would have been ashamed of me being a coward, because he was never, ever that. Or maybe he wouldn’t have been ashamed of me, but I would have been ashamed. I’d probably still have girlfriends, and I would have hated myself, and I never would have said a thing to my parents, and sure as hell would never have told the Marwillbah Wombats I was gay. But I figure Seb would have definitely done that.’ Hal suddenly gave a grin, and it lit up his face with a fierce, wicked light. ‘Hell, yeah, he would have done that. Oh, he would have loved the look on their faces. He would have stared every single one of them down too, because you didn’t know him before he got sick, but Seb was always a damn tough kid.
‘And I wasn’t. I wasn’t any sort of tough or strong. I was just a stupid fish in an aquarium, swimming along and going nowhere, and wishing I was a fish because then I wouldn’t know I was going nowhere, and it wouldn’t hurt so much….’
Oh, Sebby, Col thought, those strange, un-Sebby like thoughts he had uttered about being a fish in an aquarium, all that despair and helplessness. That had never been about Sebby. That was about leaving someone he loved, trapped and helpless and unable to break out.
‘Sebby rescued me before he died. He told me I wasn’t a stupid fucking fish. That I needed to smash those walls, and I would survive. Because I could breathe outside those walls. He knew it, and he believed in me.’
And Col had thought Sebby was giving up? He should have known better. Sebby was a fighter to the last, he’d just changed battles. He couldn’t fight for his life any more, but he knew there was another life worth fighting for and he did all he could to prove it to Hal in those last few days.
Hal was going on, softer-voiced, but no less intense. ‘I would have done exactly as my dad wanted, and worked at something to do with cattle. Because that was the family business, raising prize-winning Black Angus cattle, and I was going into the family business, no arguments allowed. I would have gone to Ag College, even though I didn’t give a shit about going to Ag College.
‘The thing is, Sebby made me promise to live his life, in a way. I couldn’t exactly live his life. But I could live the life I wanted, if I was strong enough and brave enough to do it. If I had the guts. And yeah, he also made me give him his first kiss. That bit is totally true. And it was my first real kiss too, the one that really mattered,’ Hal blinked rapidly, his voice going hoarse. ‘And the one I’ll always remember. And if it hadn’t been for Sebby, no, hell, I never would have had the guts to kiss another guy. Ever. That was the first step, for me, and Sebby wouldn’t let me go back after that. He knew and I knew I wasn’t just doing it to humour him, or out of the goodness of my heart, or fuck, because he was dying. He knew he was dying, and he had to leave me.’ Hal struggled for composure for a moment, and swiped away the sudden glint of tears, and truth be told, Col struggled against his own tears, desperately. Oh, dear God Sebby, fighting, always fighting, never giving up. Fighting for his best friend, his love��� the love of his desperately short life.
‘Yeah, Col, Sebby knew he was dying. Of course he did. And you knew, too. You didn’t lie to him. You just played pretend for a few minutes. Or not even that, because I think you really did believe if he had lived, he would be an amazing person, and do amazing things. He certainly thought you believed that. And he was amazing, and he did do something amazing with his life. He just didn’t have a lot of time to do it. But what you said gave him this crazy idea that he was going to make me have a better life, if he could. He made me promise to do the stuff that he’d never get to do. So that I’d face up to who I really was supposed to be, and not have a life I didn’t want.’ Hal went quiet for a moment; something Colin was beginning to think wasn’t possible. Hal scrubbed at his face wearily, and then turned to Colin with a sad smile. ‘It wasn’t fucking easy being Seb sometimes, or even just being the person I was supposed to be, believe me. But I did my best.
‘And maybe I didn’t have Sebby’s amazing life. Because that’s impossible, to have his life. But I have mine, because of Seb, and because you put the crazy idea somehow into his head that he would do something amazing and great. That he could do something that mattered, even with just the few days he had left. And he did. He really did.
‘Sebby was so tired at the end, he was fucking exhausted, you know he was. He was ready, he’d fought every step of the way, but he knew it was over for him. He was just too damn tired, and it was time for him. But it wasn’t over for me, he knew that, not if I could fight and keep on fighting, and stop acting as if I’d already given up. So while you were saying all those things to Seb, you know what? He was thinking of me, and the kind of life I could have, if I tried. And that’s why I’m here. Stupid as it may seem. Because this was part of what I promised Sebby. I’d celebrate his twenty first birthday with you, at the Rose and Thorn Pub in Newtown. If Sebby had lived, he would have been here, hell or high water. And I’m telling you, he would have wanted that birthday kiss too. But here I am, well, as close as I could get.
‘And here you are. Because you cared so much you still kept the date. You remembered. Sebby thought you would. In fact he said you would. And I’m so glad you did, because I wanted to thank you. I wanted to say thank you, from both of us. From Sebby, and from me.’
‘I didn’t do anything, Hal. It was Sebby. It was all Sebby. I just said a lot of stupid stuff I shouldn’t -‘
‘Oh, hell, yeah you did do something.’ Hal leaned forward, smiling and almost laughing, though his eyes were still glittering with unshed tears. ‘You did something amazing, Col O’Ryan. You really beli
eved in Sebby, in what he could do and be, if he had the time, and he may have had only a few days left, but he didn’t waste them. Or that belief. He made something great happen. At least I think so. He made me happen. Tired as he was, dying, it didn’t matter, he kept fighting for me to have an amazing life.
‘You know, Sebby would have died, and I would have gone back to Marwillbah, and I would have been grieving and devastated and broken without him. And it would have passed, I would have grieved, but I wouldn’t have done anything special, or even honest, with my life. Instead I went home with a responsibility, I had a fucking vision - and promises to keep. And I tried my best, so I could sit here six years later, and tell you and myself, yeah, Sebby Andersson had his first kiss. And hell, I was the guy lucky enough to share it with him. And Sebby Andersson did do a great thing in the world, even if no one would ever know, and yeah, Sebby Andersson had a bloody amazing life and did amazing things. I am his - I don’t know, legacy, his memorial - and I’ve got to live up to that. And I’ve tried and I’m going to keep on trying.’
This was Sebby’s memorial, not a building, not a scholarship, not a sporting award. This was Sebby’s living, breathing memorial, right there in front of Col.
‘And I’m glad you’re here, and I could tell you. Because you’re the only person in the world who will understand all the stuff I’ve just said. And what part you played in making sure Sebby Andersson got his first kiss, and for a few days maybe, he got to fall in love, and yeah, he broke my heart… but…’ Hal clearly just couldn’t go on for a moment. ‘But, fuck it was worth it. It will always be worth it to have loved my Sebby, and to let him know exactly how I felt.’
The tapas bar was eerily silent. Hal had probably been a little loud, and certainly very intense, and the few people there and the waiters couldn’t help but stop and listen, at least without trying to make it obvious. Hell, for a moment you could have heard a pin drop. It was just silence. Who knew if they approved of some of what Hal said? Maybe a few were shocked by some of it, none of them probably understood the import of any of it. But Col did, and it was the strangest feeling, as if he suddenly looked at the world and all the pieces subtly rearranged themselves. Made a pattern he had never seen before.
Queermance Anthology, Volume 2 Page 2