I crossed my arms and took a deep breath. “Yeah.” I kept my eyes to the floor, feeling the guilt consume me from the inside out. It laid on thick, like a sickening cover that had grown over my body and imbedded itself deep within the fibers of my skin. No matter what I did, there was no getting rid of it. It was a part of me, shaping me into the person I had become. No matter how much I regretted all the bad decisions I’d made, nothing would ever change what I had done. And nothing would change who I was.
Delaney took a couple of shots of the trophies before we returned to the kitchen.
“Who’s this with your boys?” Delaney pointed to Roderick, a tall, dark man who was around for a few years before finally leaving my mom for a younger woman. The asshole had two illegitimate kids while he was married to her. It was no wonder Trey had issues like me.
Mom took the picture from Delaney. “Oh, that’s Trey’s dad.” She shook her head and a sickening expression spread across her face. “You don’t want that picture. Believe me. He’s a no good, lazy, lying, cheating piece of shit.”
“Mom.” I motioned with my head, silently telling her Trey and Ashton were in the living room and could hear her.
“What? Trey knows it. He can’t stand him either.” Mom didn’t hold back. She wasn’t ashamed to share her story and was proud of where she was today, despite all the problems she’d endured. I couldn’t help but wonder what Lexi and Delaney were thinking. If Lexi had any doubts, I’m sure my life story confirmed what she knew deep down: I wasn’t good for her. “I’m sorry, girls. We’re not the Cleavers and I won’t pretend to be.”
“It’s okay. My family’s not perfect either. Even though they pretend to be,” Lexi admitted. Although I felt bad for her, the strict upbringing she encountered couldn’t compete with our family issues. I knew she was trying to relate to all our mayhem, but she was on the complete opposite side of the spectrum when it came to my family drama.
“No family is perfect.” Delaney shuffled through a couple of photos scattered on the table. “My parents were killed when I was little and I was put up for adoption. I didn’t have the best childhood, but I’m trying to make the most of my life now. Which isn’t much.” She took a deep breath and her eyes watered. I didn’t know Delaney very well, but hearing that piece of info told me she probably had a few demons of her own. She blinked several times, trying not to cry.
Mom wiped her eyes, dropping more tears at the revelation of Delaney’s story.
“My parents try to rule my life,” Lexi added quickly, trying to divert away from Delaney’s revelation. “I was homeschooled and sheltered from almost everything. I always did everything they asked of me.” She sucked in a quick breath. “It wasn’t until recently that I decided I needed to live my life for me. I was tired of living to please them.”
“See? We don’t come from picture perfect families either. And we aren’t here to judge.” Delaney smiled at Mom.
“Thanks. I appreciate that…it’s just been tough. Not only for Raven, but all of us. Especially after Ashton’s dad died...I haven’t gotten back on track with life.” Mom sniffed and wiped her eyes again, smearing her makeup. “You know what I mean?”
Although I didn’t particularly like Philip, he was the closest thing I’d had to a father. Despite all the arguing and fighting we’d done, I knew he meant well. But I’d never gave him a fair shot. I judged him solely on the fact that he ruled with an iron fist and didn’t like me. In reality, he probably just wanted the best for me. There wouldn’t be a second chance — he was gone and would never return. Oh well. That was life. I failed to seize the moment and now it was too late.
“I’m so sorry for your loss. How long ago did he pass?”
“Two years ago. He had an accident at work.” Mom sighed. “I’m still fighting with those bastards. They claimed he didn’t have an insurance policy and worker’s comp barely covered the medical bills and his funeral.”
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” Delaney’s voice shook, sounding like she was about to cry again.
Lexi reached for Mom’s hand. “If there is anything we can do for you, please let us know.”
Mom gave Lexi a quick squeeze and then grabbed a napkin from the table and blew her nose. “Thank you, girls. I appreciate that.” Looking at Lexi, she said, “Just keep an eye on this one.” Mom nodded in my direction. “He’s trying hard to get his shit together.” Her eyes bore into me, like they did every time I screwed up. I stared at the ground, wishing I could change the cards I had been dealt. “I know you’re too good for him, but he probably needs that.” She pointed a finger at me. “And you better treat her right, not like all those other skanks. You hear me?”
Her words blew up the deck, reminding me of all the hands I’d played without any consideration. “Yes, ma’am,” I muttered, not bothering to look at her. Mom gave me tough love. But sometimes I need a different type of love. I couldn’t blame her, though, I’d taken her to hell and back. She did what she had to do to set me straight. The more I thought about it, the more I realized, I really didn’t deserve Lexi. I looked at her — this perfect angel who deserved the best in life. Mom was right. Lexi was too good for me. I would just destroy her.
Lexi deserved so much more. Collin was who she needed: a good guy with a great future and a perfect past. Not a fuck up like me. My head hung low. How stupid was I? I had to be smokin’ some good shit for the past three months to believe I had a shot at being with her. The worst part, I let Josh and Shawn blow all that smoke up my ass, too. I shook my head. We were all fucked in the head to believe I could change for the better.
There was no saving me.
I was Raven Davenport.
The guy who catches women in his trap, screws them, leaves them, and then does it all over again. The bastard who had nothing but sluts and got off on a good high. Nothing would ever change. I didn’t deserve a better life and I surely didn’t deserve Lexi.
The voices circled in my head, making me insane. The visions that I had buried — all the pain and past hurts were laying there in front of me. Plain as day for me to see. The cards that I carried were my life and would never go away. I hated that I couldn’t conquer the demon voices. They were on a mission. A mission to destroy me. And I was letting them. The fight was over.
∑
Chapter 19
Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.
~Denis Waitley
I drove Lexi and Delaney back to their dorm and dropped them off. I kept my distance and Lexi sensed it. But all I could think about was what my mom had said. I know you’re too good for him. Even though I needed someone like Lexi in my life, I wasn’t the one for her. Lexi was the woman every guy dreamed about landing. Beautiful, smart, well-liked, well-behaved, and innocent.
With each passing day, I struggled with the voices in my head telling me to forget about Lexi. She was too good for me. She deserved better. In reality, it was true. But I missed her. I missed seeing her beautiful face and hearing her soothing voice. It taunted me, reminding me of the battle I faced daily. I did what I had to do to get through the day. I studied, worked out, and went to practice. Maybe I was trying to prove that I could do it without her, but I was failing and soon everyone would know.
Out of desperation, I asked her to review my term paper. I knew it was wrong to use her for my benefit, but I did which proved even more how unworthy I was of her love. Typical Raven behavior justified by stupid actions. Yet, I couldn’t stop. I texted her a few more times during the week, but it only made things worse. If I continued to hold on, I’d never let her go. It was impossible to remain friends with her — Lexi meant so much more to me and not being with her was killing me from the inside out.
Lying in bed, I studied for my last final. I stared at the words on the page, re-reading the same paragraph for the last thirty minutes. If I didn’t get my shit together, I’d fail this class, but concentrating
seemed nearly impossible. Yawning and stretching, I considered responding to a string of texts from Macy. The girl was desperate to get a little stress relief and God knew I needed it, too.
Scrolling to her name, I stopped at Lexi. I stared at the last message from her and just as I was about to message her, a text appeared.
Lexi: Are you busy?
My heart did a double beat. Apparently, she was thinking of me too. I stared at the screen for a while, contemplating messaging her back. If I did, I knew what would happen and I couldn’t take that risk. I tossed my phone aside and stuck my nose back in my book. It didn’t help. Lexi plagued my mind, making it nearly impossible to think. All the memories of the good times we shared flooded my mind, rushing in and consuming me to the point of suffocation. After thirty minutes of mind battling, I replied.
Me: Yeah, studying. What’s up?
It was cold and unfriendly, but necessary.
Lexi: I’ve got the pictures Delaney borrowed from your mom. She even scanned them on a CD.
Great. More memories to awake the demons.
Me: Okay. I can get them from you later.
Lexi: No problem.
I sighed heavily, looking at the blank message box. Lexi didn’t say anything else and I was glad. If she would’ve asked to see me, I’m not sure I would’ve had the strength to say no. Several minutes passed before I finally tossed my phone to the side. How would I survive without Lexi in my life? I’d have to find a way to move on without her, as much as I didn’t want to.
Somewhere between chapter fifteen and sixteen, I fell asleep with the book splayed across my chest. A buzzing noise woke me and I realized it was coming from my phone. But it wasn’t a text message. Someone on Facebook had contacted me. I opened the app to see a message from Delaney. I hesitated for a moment before reading it.
Delaney: Hey, Raven, I really need a few more shots of you to finish my project. Can I take some of you in your football uniform at the stadium?
I wasn’t sure if she was devising a plan to get me to see Lexi, but knowing how much time and effort she put into the project, I was certain she needed the pictures.
Me: Sure. How about noon tomorrow?
A few minutes passed before she responded.
Delaney: That’s perfect. See you then.
I sent a quick message to the field staff, letting them know Delaney wanted to take pictures of me at the stadium. Since practice was at three, she’d have plenty of time to take whatever pictures she needed. I wondered if she would bring Lexi with her. Part of me wanted to see her, but the other part hoped she wouldn’t show up. Seeing her would only complicate things between us and we were better off going our own way.
Determined to make it without her, I put on my headphones and flipped to the start of the chapter. I would pass this final. Everything started to click and the words transformed into meaningful context. Concepts made sense and I was able to remember them. An A was definitely in my future. A smile crept over my face.
I would survive.
I would make it without Lexi.
I had to.
***
I turned in my final and walked out of class, satisfied with my efforts. I wasn’t sure if I aced the class, but I felt confident I earned a B, and that was good enough for me. I had one more final and then I was done. It sucked that I had to retake my classes from the spring semester. Had I not doubled up during the summer sessions, I would’ve been so screwed.
I stopped by the student union and ordered a grilled chicken breast, steamed spinach, and a sweet potato. With the Lone Star Bowl four weeks away, I needed to concentrate on my diet. Any extra weight could slow me down and I needed to be in the best shape. My heart raced, excited about Sunday’s press conference where we would find out who we were playing. All the TV sports stations were talking about it, and determining who’d be our contender based on stats and other qualifications.
After lunch, I crossed the street and headed toward the stadium to suit up. Just as I was putting my clothes into my locker, my phone buzzed. I swiped it and pulled up Facebook.
Delaney: I’m here at the front gate but can’t get in.
Was she by herself or had Lexi come with her? I needed a moment to get my head straight.
“Hey, Marcos.”
The assistant trainer broke from his conversation with Coach Stevens.
“Yeah, you need something?”
“Can you open the gate for my friend Delaney? She said it’s locked and she can’t get in.”
“Sure, no problem.” Marcos turned to Stevens. “Be right back.”
“Thanks, man. Tell her I’ll be right out.” I sent Delaney a text.
Me: I’ll send someone to let you on the field.
I tucked my phone in the pocket of my jeans, shut my locker, and sat on the bench. Resting my arms against my thighs, I leaned forward and took a few deep breaths, eyeing my helmet. The reptile markings covered the entire surface with a dragon printed on the side, but for some reason, I didn’t feel like a fire breathing beast capable of slaying its victim with just one breath. I felt more like a tiny lizard with broken claws, doomed for failure. I picked up my helmet and hit it against the palm of my hand as I continued to take long, deep breaths.
If Lexi was with Delaney I couldn’t give in — I had to stick to the plan. Would I be strong enough to do it? I had to be. Otherwise, I wouldn’t make it. I continued to remind myself it was for the best. Lexi had to move on without me. After several minutes by myself, Marcos returned.
“She’s waiting for you.”
I glanced up, zeroing in on his words. She’s waiting for you. Did that mean she was by herself or with someone? I didn’t want to ask, so I’d just have to wait and see for myself.
“Okay.” I stood up and rolled my shoulders. It was now or never. “Let’s do this.”
Marcos grabbed a cart of footballs and followed me out the locker room. We passed through the tunnel and on to the field.
“I’ll head down to the fifty,” Marcos said.
“Sounds good.”
The sun shone in my eyes and I shielded my face with my hand, squinting. The glare made it hard to see, but once I crossed the twenty-yard line, the sun vanished behind the buildings. Standing in front of me was Delaney with her camera and equipment in hand.
“Hey,” I said and she waved back. I did a quick glance around the stadium and caught site of Lexi in the stands. She caught my gaze and I lifted my chin, giving her a subtle gesture. Her lips spread into a gentle smile and my heart cracked. I quickly averted eye contact, not wanting to add to the disheartening emotions flowing through me. My eyes darted to the Marshalls’ suite and all the memories rushed over me. Her presence was a bad idea. I wasn’t sure if I could ignore her when all I wanted to do was kiss her and tell her how much I missed seeing her this past week.
But I had to be strong.
I had to keep to the plan.
Lexi and I weren’t good for each other.
For the next hour, I kept my attention on the camera. Delaney took different pictures of me, throwing and catching the football as well as running on and off the field. It was hard to focus, knowing Lexi was sitting there. All I could hear was my mom’s voice telling me what I knew from the beginning. Those words reminded me I was making the best decision, no matter how hard it was not to give in to what I really wanted.
Lexi.
I needed her.
I had to have her.
But I couldn’t and it sucked.
“Thanks, Raven. I’ll let you know when I have everything done.” Delaney smiled as she gathered her camera equipment.
“Sure, no problem. I can’t wait to see what you put together.” I motioned to Marcos and fought my desire to go talk to Lexi. I felt like shit, treating her as if she had done something wrong. But talking to her would be pointless and dangerous. I knew myself all too well and I had to stay away. Otherwise, I’d just destroy her innocence.
I turned to exit through the
tunnel and our gazes connected once more. Confusion and disappointment laced her face. She looked strung out, only pushing the reminder that I was a total douchebag. Lexi weaved through the bleachers and I sprinted toward her. It was like a force drawing me to her — one I couldn’t break way from, no matter my strength. Marcos opened the gate and Delaney exited. Just as he started to shut it, I stuck my arm out, keeping it open.
“Lexi, can I talk to you for a moment?” Without much thought, I called for her. She deserved an explanation. It was the least I could do.
“Do you want me to wait for you?” Delaney glanced at me and then at Lexi.
“No, that’s okay. I’ll see you at the dorm.”
Delaney whispered something in Lexi’s ear and then shuffled past her.
Marcos took a step back and Lexi stepped on to the field.
“Is everything okay?” Lexi asked as Marcos led Delaney to the main gate. The timid tone in her voice told me she was trying to be strong herself. Why was life so damn hard? A dull ache hit the center of my chest and I pressed my lips together, withholding the grunt.
I could do this.
I refused to give in, despite what my heart wanted.
“Let’s sit down.” I pointed to the bleachers behind her.
We walked through the gate and sat. Sitting next to her, I felt like I overpowered her in my uniform. She seemed so small and fragile. I refused to hurt her. Lexi deserved so much better.
“I’m sorry I came.” She shrugged off her backpack and set it in front of her.
I sighed, praying I’d make it out of here alive. Lexi was chipping away at my heart, making me weaker by the minute. “I’m not upset because you came with Delaney, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just that…” I stared at my helmet between my hands. How could I possibly tell her I didn’t want to see her anymore when that’s all I wanted? I flipped the sun visor up and down, searching for the right words. Blowing a girl off had never been a problem before. But Lexi wasn’t just any girl. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.
A Different Side (University Park #4) Page 23