Unsure whether she was about to get sick, I followed her. I pressed my ear to the door, feeling like a total perv as I listened for gagging and grunting sounds. The toilet flushed a minute later and the faucet turned on. I backed away from the bathroom door, assuring myself she was okay.
I walked toward her bed and turned on the lamp. Her room was clean and orderly, as I expected. Fleur de lis decorated the walls, matching her pink and black comforter. Even her bedside lamp matched. I picked up a frame from her nightstand. It was a picture of her and two middle-aged people whom I assumed were her parents. Lexi resembled her mother in some ways and her dad in others. One thing was certain — they made a beautiful daughter. I set the picture down and then pulled back the covers, telling myself I would tuck Lexi in bed and go home. Sweet honey and peaches surrounded me. My knees felt weak, like I had just finished sprints and I fell to her bed. I sat on the edge resisting every temptation to lay on her covers and allow her sweet smell to take over me. The door opened and I quickly turned my attention to Lexi.
She caught my gaze as she stepped out of the bathroom, bumping into the doorframe. The dress made her look gorgeous, baring her perfectly sculpted shoulders and long, slender legs. The soft light from her lamp gave her a radiance that belonged to an angel. And that was because Lexi was an angel. A peaceful, innocent being too precious to hurt. The glint in her eyes almost made me forget what I needed to do. Get her to bed and leave.
“Are you okay?” I stood, demanding my legs to cooperate as I walked toward her.
Her eyes remained fixed on me. “Y-es.” She took several shallow breaths and I sensed her nervousness. “I just had to pee. A lot.”
“Oh.” I struggled to keep my mind focused. “Then why aren’t you ready for bed?”
She pressed up against the door and swayed to the side. “I, um…I couldn’t get my dress off.”
Shit. I was in trouble.
Taking off her clothes was going to be hard. Once I started, I wasn’t going to want to stop. But I had to help her. She was drunk. I took a deep breath and stared at her beautiful features. Her mesmerizing almond eyes revealing the same incessant need I had. Too bad it wouldn’t be satisfied. At least, not by me. I followed the perfect slope of her nose down to her sweet, perfect lips. Lips I wanted on me, but knew that I couldn’t have. Lexi’s beauty was killing me. Consuming me and making me a victim in her own trap. Lexi’s sweet trap.
“Do you need help?” I rested my hands on her waist, trying to get comfortable with touching her while controlling my urges.
“Uh huh,” she muttered.
I examined her dress for a moment, trying to figure out whether the thing had a zipper or what. I gathered the material in my hands, but before I did anything, I asked one more time, “Are you sure you want me to help you undress?”
She nodded and then leaned to the side. “Whoa. You alright?” I pulled her against me, unsure whether she was that drunk or just excited I was helping her.
“No,” she replied. Her breaths altered between deep and short inhalations and I hoped she wasn’t about to pass out or throw up. I needed her to remember I put her in bed and left. I didn’t want her to think I took advantage of her while she was drunk.
“Are you going to get sick?”
She shook her head. “No. I’m good.”
“Okay, just making sure you’re not going to vomit all over me.”
Her eyes fluttered to a close. “I won’t, I promise.”
I took a deep breath, preparing myself. My heart was going non-stop, like this was the last play of the game and I was getting ready to score a touchdown. Every muscle in my body filled with blood and I broke out in a cold sweat. Taking off Lexi’s clothes would be pure torment, knowing I’d have to walk away. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to control myself. But I had to.
I lifted up her dress, stopping at her waist. No matter how hard I tried not to look, my eyes naturally gravitated to her panties. Soft lace and cotton covered her lady parts. My fingers clenched the fabric and I willed myself to keep to the task. Every hormone was on high alert and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could control the need dying to be released.
Lexi’s eyes opened and she looked just as hot and bothered as I did. Her hands quickly dropped to mine and she helped inch the dress over her breasts. I kept my eyes trained to hers, refusing to look at the mounds in front of me.
Don’t look. Don’t look.
Her eyes were wide and I didn’t know if she was afraid or thrilled. She urged me to keep going, so I did. In one quick movement, I slipped the dress over her head and tossed it to the floor. Unable to restrain my vision any longer, I did a quick sweep over her body. And damn, was she beautiful. Soft curves in all the right places. Skin. So much silky skin I was dying to kiss and worship until the sun came up. I was burning with desire for her. I was ready for Lexi to pour her sweet self all over me. Without warning, she wrapped her arms around herself, covering her body. I immediately withdrew my gaze.
A voice in my head reminded me Lexi was a virgin and I had no business taking that from her. Sure, I’d taken several girls’ virginity before, but Lexi was different. She was special and deserved to be with one someone equally as special. I was not that guy.
“Let’s get you to bed.” I picked her up and carried her across the room. Her arms wrapped around my neck and I felt the trembling in her body. She was scared and I wanted to assure her nothing was going to happen. She didn’t need to fear me. She needed to trust I was doing the right thing.
I laid her on the mattress and pulled the covers over her. I stared at her for a moment, taking in all the beauty. If I didn’t get out of there quickly, I’d lose this game or win it, depending on how I looked at it. But I had to tell her exactly what I thought. Without thinking, I said, “You are so beautiful.”
“Thank you.” She smiled, her eyes sparkling.
My body hovered over her as she refused to let go. The tension rippled through me and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before I kissed her. Her scent was too much for my senses and she was sucking me deeper into her trap. I pulled away and her hands started to slip, but she kept a firm grip on me, squeezing my biceps. I was quickly losing the battle.
This woman was killing me!
“Goodnight, Lexi.” I leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. “Sweet dreams.” I reached for the lamp and turned off the light.
“What? No. Don’t go,” Lexi begged. Before I could turn the light back on, something hit me square in the face.
“Oh, shit,” I moaned, covering my nose.
“I’m sorry.” Lexi turned on the light. “Are you okay?”
My eyes watered as the pain shot up to my brain. I prayed blood wouldn’t start gushing. “Yeah, I’ll be alright.” I held back the tears, refusing to cry in front of Lexi. I had been head-butted before, but damn, Lexi had a head made of steel.
“Let me see.” She urged me to sit down and then slowly pulled my hand away.
“Is it bleeding?” I tilted my head back and sniffed.
She checked my nose. “No, it’s not.” She eased back and her shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I just got confused.”
I wiped my nose on the top of my hand, keeping an eye for any signs of bleeding. “Confused about what?”
Lexi’s eyes glossed over and the waterworks started.
“Why are you crying?” Had I done something wrong?
She shook her head and wiped away the tears. “It’s nothing.”
I narrowed my eyes and leaned closer. “Don’t lie.” Her bottom lip quivered, evidence something had upset her. “What’s bothering you?”
She pressed her lips together, withholding the sobs.
“Tell me, Lexi. Please.”
Her eyes pleaded with me, asking me not to ask her, but I had to know. I kept my position, waiting patiently for her answer. Within a few seconds, she threw her hands up in the air. “I thought you wanted to have sex
with me.”
Oh God! I knew I shouldn’t have helped her undress. I had given her the wrong impression. Then again, I did want to have sex with her.
I let out a heavy sigh. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “It’s my fault, I’m still buzzing.”
“Lexi, you don’t—”
“No, I totally misread you. It’s just that when you asked me why I was still dressed, I assumed you wanted to have sex.”
“Damn, Lexi, you’re making this so hard for me.” My voice broke as I felt my heart break in two. Conflicting emotions crashed inside of me, confusing me to the point where I didn’t know what to say or think.
“I was stupid for thinking that you did. I mean, you just told me the other day that you didn’t want to be with me.”
I rubbed my chest, feeling the crack in my heart spread, shattering it into a thousand pieces. How could I make her understand that I wanted to be with her, but I wasn’t what she needed? I just had to tell her. Tell her how I really felt and hope she’d understand.
“Lexi, it’s not that I don’t want to be with you, because I do. I want that more than anything. It’s just that…”
“It’s okay, Raven, I get it.” She wiped her cheeks. “I’m not what you want.”
Damn. She had it all wrong.
“Hell, you’re everything I want and more.” I cupped her face with both hands. Using my thumbs, I wiped the tears streaming down her cheeks. I couldn’t keep holding on to her. Either I needed to be with her or walk away forever. But I couldn’t stand to think of Lexi being with another man. Giving her virginity to another guy, even if he was better than me.
“But you said you didn’t want to be with me,” she sniffed.
“Just because I said I’m not good for you, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with you.”
She stared at me. “I’m so confused, Raven.”
I grinned. “It’s really not that complicated.” I took a deep breath and lowered my head. Every force of nature couldn’t keep me from being with her. Lexi was all I wanted and needed. I couldn’t fight it any longer. The effect she had on me was like nothing I’d ever experienced.
And I wanted more of it.
Everything she had to offer.
And more.
Looking up at her, I said, “You see, because not only do I want to be with you, but I also want to make love to your body until you can’t stand it. Until your begging for me to stop.”
“What?” she muttered.
“But not like this. Not while you’ve been drinking.” I stroked my fingers along her cheeks and her body shivered against my touch. The need calling from within us was strong. So strong I was ready to forget about everything I just told her. But I couldn’t. I had to do this the right way. She at least deserved that from me.
“Raven, stay with me…please,” she pleaded and I almost said yes. “I don’t want to be alone.” She released the covers, exposing herself to me. Even with a strapless bra on, she had the most perfect breasts I’d ever seen.
“If I stay with you that could be dangerous.”
“I like dangerous.” She bit down on her lower lip, pulling off an erotic look that revved up my hormones.
The rise in my pants told me to get on with it or get out. “No, you like stupid and that’s me.”
She let out a soft laugh. “You’re not stupid, Raven.”
“Well, I’m stupid, crazy for you.” It took all my strength to peel my eyes from her body.
“Will you show me just how crazy you are for me?”
Lexi knew how to tempt me. No question about that. I kneaded my fingers through her hair and rested my head against hers. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. The exchange of energy between us was agonizing. Never had I wanted someone so badly before. My soul called out to Lexi’s, dying to be connected with the piece that had been missing. Lexi held a piece of me I couldn’t function without. I needed her to be whole.
“I want to, Lexi, I really do. But I’m not taking your virginity, not like this.” I placed a soft kiss on her lips, holding back from kissing her like I really wanted to. “You deserve to feel every part of me. To remember every part of me.”
∑
Chapter 22
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
~James A. Baldwin
The rest of the night, I tossed and turned. My thoughts were all over the place. The voices distorted my mind, making it hard to distinguish between what I wanted and what they wanted. One minute, I was certain I wanted to be with Lexi, and the next, I wasn’t sure. What made it more difficult was the fact that she was a virgin. I couldn’t fathom the thought of some guy taking her innocence, yet I wasn’t sure if that guy should be me. The truth was…she deserved someone special and I still wasn’t convinced it was me.
By morning, things weren’t better. I still didn’t know what to do. Never had I experienced so much indecisiveness in my life. Maybe that’s why they say love is complicated. But did I love Lexi? I cared deeply for her and she did something funny to my insides, not to mention my heart.
“Hey, man, you up?” Josh banged on my door.
“Yeah, dude. Come on in.”
He opened the door slowly and looked around. “You by yourself?”
“Uh, yeah.” I smirked. I sat on the edge of the bed, running my fingers through my matted hair.
“What happened to Lexi?”
“I took her back to her dorm.”
A look of surprised crossed his face. “And you didn’t stay?”
“No, man, she was drunk. Give me some credit.” I held up my hands. “I’m trying to do things right, not fuck them up.”
“Sorry.” Josh crossed his arms and leaned against my dresser. “So, you back with her or what?”
“I don’t know.” I lowered my head, staring at the floor. “I’ve never been so confused. One minute, I want to be with her, and the next, I know I’m not good enough for her.”
“You still believe that bullshit?” Josh huffed. “What’s wrong with you? Did you lose your balls or something?”
“No.” I eyed Josh. “Its just…that Lexi is a really good girl.”
Josh rolled his eyes. “Yeah, we get it, she’s a freaking saint, but you’re not that bad. I mean you could’ve banged her last night and you didn’t. That stands for something.”
“True. But do you know how many girls I’ve screwed while they were messed up? I put the man in man-whore.”
“You’re changing,” he pointed a finger at me, “and that’s what counts.”
“I guess,” I sighed. “I just don’t know what to do.”
“Dude, we’ve already talked about this. You like her and she’s good for you, so just tell those monsters in your head to take a hike.”
Josh had a point. I had become good friends with the voices, allowing them to dictate and control my life. Maybe he was right. I did deserve someone sweet in my life. And Lexi definitely was sweet.
“I guess.”
“You guess? There’s no guessing.” Josh shook his head. “Just do it. Get your shit together and go for it, dude. Most of all, quit jerking Lexi around. One minute, you’re with her, and the next, you’re not. She’s not going to wait for you forever.”
“I know. It’s not right. I honestly thought I was done with her, but when I saw her with that Sigma Chi, it lit a fuse inside of me.” I held on to my head, feeling the anger rise. “I was pissed and I couldn’t stand seeing him freak her on the dance floor. I’ve never been jealous before, but I was ready to punch that guy in the face. And then when I got her home, I forgot all about it. All I wanted to do was be with her. Touch her…kiss her…I don’t know what it is or what she does to me, but I can’t explain it. My chest aches, my head’s all confused…”
Josh laughed. “It’s called love, dumbass.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but I really
want to be with her.”
“So, be with her.” Josh acted like the decision was easy. It wasn’t.
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why? Is she still engaged?”
“No.” I shook my head. “But…” I hesitated for a moment, contemplating where I should share Lexi’s business. There really wasn’t any other way for Josh to understand my dilemma.
“But what?” Josh seemed like he was getting irritated.
I took a deep breath. “She’s a virgin.”
“Oh.” Josh uncrossed his arms and scratched the back of his neck. “In that case, I think you just need to take it slow. Like I told you. Get to know each other. Spend time together. Show you’re interested in more than sex and believe me, when you do that, the sex will happen.”
I picked at the callouses on my hand. “I just don’t know if I’m worthy. Lexi is so different from all the other women I’ve been with.”
“The more reason you should be with her. Like I said, Lexi is good for you. So pick up your head, get your balls back, and go show her what it’s like to be loved by The Raven.”
***
It took me a few hours to get Josh’s talk through my thick skull. The demons in my head were determined to stay in control, but I refused to give them the upper hand. Not this time. Aside from wanting to win a championship game, I’ve never wanted something so bad. I looked at the phone. It was two-thirty in the afternoon. I had no idea whether Lexi was still at her dorm or had already packed and left for winter break, but there was only one way to find out. I grabbed my keys and headed to Charter Hall.
People shuffled passed me, carrying their stuff to their cars. I picked up my pace, hoping Lexi was still there. A few parents eyed me as I passed through the doors to Charter Hall, but I didn’t care. I had legitimate business there. The foyer buzzed with the passing of students, but it was the piano that caught my attention.
Lexi was sitting at the baby grand, playing a familiar tune. After a few chords, I recalled the song, Stay by Rihanna. She played with so much intensity, it sent chills up and down my spine. The emotions she poured over the keys caused my chest to ache. Recalling the words, I knew Lexi was playing that song for us. It depicted our situation to a T.
A Different Side (University Park #4) Page 27