“Raven,” he said my name and I blinked. “We are sorry, Raven, but we have made the decision to dismiss you from Park Hill University, indefinitely. You will not be allowed to finish this semester or re-enroll at the university. Which also means you will not be apart of the football team.”
His words hit me like a solid brick wall, knocking the wind out of me. I tried to breathe, but my lungs refused to cooperate. It felt like I had a ten-man pile-up on top of me. The more I inhaled, the tighter my chest became, until I felt like I was hyperventilating.
“We will allow you to continue counseling with Dr. Galen for the next year. In fact, we encourage it. You will be required to return all athletic property…” he continued talking, but I couldn’t process what he was saying.
It was over for me.
Everything.
Gone.
All the hard work, years of training — out the window for two fucking beers. There would be no more football.
No going pro.
No future.
No hope.
I wouldn’t even be able to graduate from PHU. Without a degree, what kind of job would I have? Flipping burgers at Whataburger wasn’t what I had in mind. I wanted to play football and now that dream was over. Forever.
“Raven, I’m sorry. I tried,” Mr. Marshall apologized repeatedly. His efforts meant nothing to me. All of this had been for nothing. My fate had already been determined. Raven Davenport was nothing but a big ass loser.
“Yeah, yeah…” I pushed the chair back, knocking it to the floor. I had to get out of there before I tore up the place.
“Raven, wait,” Coached called but I ignored him, pushing through the heavy wood door.
I stumbled into the foyer, dazed and confused. Lexi and my mom sat on the benches outside, along with all my friends. The floor tilted to one side and I struggled to breathe.
“Raven?” Lexi darted in my direction. “What happened? Tell me. What did they say?” She tugged at my arm, but I ignored her, unable to speak. I stopped at the end of the hallway and grabbed the railing, leaning over it, trying to steady my racing heart. My chest hurt and my stomach was pulled into tight knots. I stared at the floor. Never had I considered killing myself, but in that moment, it seemed like a viable idea.
“It’s over, Lexi,” I managed with a heavy breath.
“What’s over, babe?” She extended her hand and then retrieved it. Even she didn’t want anything to do with me. “Tell me.”
I pushed away from the railing. “Everything!” I grabbed my necktie, feeling my throat tighten with every movement. My fingers worked frantically, but between the shaking and dizziness, I couldn’t undo it. My vision blurred and my nose burned.
“Baby, talk to me. Please?” Lexi took a step back, her eyes widening in fear. The monster in me was making its grand appearance.
“Fucking shit!” I yelled as I fought with the fabric. I needed relief. Relief from the constraints holding me back. I stopped messing with the damn tie and grabbed the sleeves of my suit jacket. In one quick tug, I ripped them off my body and threw them to the floor.
“Bro, you alright?” Josh stepped behind Lexi.
“Get the fuck away from me,” I seethed, ready to hit anyone or anything that got in my way.
“Okay, just calm down,” Shawn held out his hands as he neared me, “everything is going to be okay, man. It’s not the end of the world.”
“Easy for you to say!” I thrust my finger in his face.
“Son, stop, please. You’re scaring me.” Mom latched on to Lexi’s arm, crying hysterically. But no amount of tears could calm the demons within me.
“Everyone just get the fuck away from me.” I pushed through, needing my space. With one yank, I ripped the tie off my neck and threw it down.
“Raven, baby.” Lexi pressed her hands together, tears streaming down her face. “Please, tell me. What do you mean by everything?”
“Just…everything.” I turned around and ran down the stairs, not looking back. The demons had full control.
Σ
Chapter 45
I haven’t lived a perfect life. I have regrets. But that’s from a lifetime of taking chances, making decisions, and trying not to be frozen. The only thing that I can do with my regrets is understand them.
~Kevin Costner
I hated life.
I hated myself.
Most of all, I hated that I fell in love with Lexi.
I didn’t deserve her. She was better off without me. How could she want a guy like me? A guy with no future, no hope, and no direction. The only place I was headed was down — where I belonged. The monsters in my head were right all along. I was stupid to think I could defeat them. Dr. Galen had it all wrong. Even his so-called helpful tactics failed me.
“Damn, I didn’t think I’d ever find you.” Shawn crouched next to me.
I looked at him with weary eyes. Between the liquor and tears, I had to do a double take to make sure it was him and not some guy ready to start shit. “That’s because I didn’t want anyone to.”
“I hear ya.” He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I smirked. “What’s there to talk about? What’s done is done. The decision’s been made. I’m out.” I cut the air in front of me, like an umpire signaling an out in baseball.
“You’re too good of a player to be done.”
“Whatever.” I laughed. “PHU doesn’t think so.”
“The hell with PHU. You’re moving on to bigger and better things.”
My eyes narrowed and I stared at him, trying to understand his comment. It didn’t matter. Shawn was talking shit, trying to make me feel better. It wasn’t helping. Then again, I really didn’t care. I didn’t think I’d take getting kicked off the team and out of school so hard. All the times I’d made fun of Josh, telling him he obsessed too much about going pro, and look at me. I held the bottle to my lips and let the warm liquid pour down my throat.
“I’m telling you, there’s a pro team out there that wants you. Maybe it’s New Orleans…maybe it’s Seattle, who knows. But your football career isn’t over. It’s just getting started. It may be too late for the draft, but it’s not too late for the supplemental draft in July.”
I waved off his pathetic pep talk. “Shawn, do me a favor and shut the hell up. I’m not going to be drafted. No one wants a punk ass loser full of drama and issues when there are better, less risky players available.”
“That’s not true, man, and you know it. Shit, you got a top twenty ranking with thirty-nine touchdowns and forty-two-hundred yards of total offense this past season! Who doesn’t want a quarterback with those stats?”
I took another swig, agreeing with the voice that said that was pure luck and would never be achieved again. “It’s not happening, I’m telling you.”
“You’re wrong, man.” Shawn shook his head. “You’ve got talent teams are dyin’ for.”
Inclining my head in his direction, I said, “If that were true, PHU would’ve given me another chance.”
“PHU made a big mistake letting you go.” Shawn picked up a rock and flung it across the grass. “It pisses me off because those tickets were measly misdemeanors. Pro teams don’t give a shit about those little mishaps.”
I shrugged and brought the bottle to my lips again. “I fucked up and now I’m paying for it.” I tilted my head back. The burning sensation had dissipated, allowing a soothing numbness that made every swallow easier.
“I think you’ve had enough.” He motioned for the bottle.
I pulled it from his reach. “Fuck off. I’m not done.”
“Alright. It’s your liver and it’s your life. If you want to end up in the hospital again, be my guest.”
“I’m actually hoping I’ll drink myself to death this time.” I smiled and held the bottle up, giving him a toast.
“You want to die? Leave Lexi, your mom, and your brothers?” Shawn glanced at his phone and then slipped it in his b
ack pocket. “They’re worried about you, man.”
I shrugged. “They don’t need to worry about me anymore. They’re better off without me.”
He shook his head. “Stop talking crap. You know they need you and you need them.”
“No one needs me.” I burped and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
“You’re needed more than you know.” He scratched his head and then stood up. “Come on, let’s go.”
He extended his hand and I shoved it away. I reclined against the tree behind me, crossing my ankles. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re going to stay out here all night?” He looked around the park. “It’ll be getting dark soon and someone’s going to rob your ass.”
“Good. Let them. I have nothing to give.” I spent the money in my pocket on two bottles of whiskey so I hope they wanted some loose change because that was all they were getting.
“I can’t leave you out here. Let’s go back to my place and finish that bottle together.” He held out his hand and I turned my nose. “Don’t leave me hanging, man.”
I glanced at the half-empty bottle as I considered his offer. Without my car, I’d have to walk back to the apartment — if I could make it. Chances were I’d end up in jail and I didn’t need any more tickets, fines, or attorney fees. “I’ll go with you, but you get your own damn bottle. This one’s mine.” I clutched it to my chest. I liked the way it numbed the pain. Pain that consumed every part of my being.
“Alright. I’ll stop and buy my own damn bottle.” He extended his hand further, but I pushed it away. I didn’t need his help. I pressed my left hand to the ground and leaned to the side, struggling to stand. The ground shifted and I stumbled from side to side, trying to keep my balance.
“Damn, you’re fucked up.” Shawn hooked an arm around me and guided me up the hill to the small parking lot. “You better not hurl in my car,” he huffed as he struggled to get us to the top.
“I’m not throwing up, man. I like this feeling too much.” I laughed, hearing the demon voices telling me to drink more. To drown myself in the strong tincture that would take away all my pain.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that one before.” Shawn hit the remote, opened the door to his Camaro, and helped me get in.
He exited the parking lot and drove toward campus. Everything zipped past me in a whirl, causing my already sluggish mind to spin. The voices grew louder, reminding me my days were over, that Lexi didn’t need me and wouldn’t want me…to just go away and never come back. PHU and Fort Worth were better off without Raven Davenport. Maybe they were right. I’d had enough of this town.
“You should text Lexi and let her know you’re okay,” Shawn said as he stopped at a light.
I pulled my phone from my back pocket and tossed it on the center console between us. “Can’t. I broke my phone.” The shattered glass and twisted frame reminded me what I was capable of. I destroyed everything and anything I came in contact with — including Lexi. I’d warned her, but she was so damn hardheaded and I was so wrapped up in her sweetness, it confused me. But not this time. I wouldn’t bring her down with me anymore.
“Here, use mine.” Shawn handed me his phone.
I took it from his hand. For a second, I considered texting her and telling her it was over and she was better off without me. But she already knew that and I didn’t need to hear it from her. I had enough bad news to last me a lifetime and then some. I set it next to my crushed phone. “I’ll text her later.”
Shawn shot me a quick gaze and then took off when the light turned. I think he knew what was going through my mind. He was always good at seeing through my bullshit lies. Then again, I really didn’t care. My life was over.
***
After spending a day and a half at Shawn’s parents’ house drunk, disoriented, and distraught, I told him to take me back to my apartment. I’d done enough crying on his dad’s shoulder. If anyone understood my issues, it was Ron. He was a Marine veteran who did several tours in Iraq before retiring. What I liked most about him was he didn’t judge me. He just listened and offered words of advice. Although…I couldn’t recall much of what he’d said. In the end there was nothing left for me and it was time for me to go.
I tossed the last box of stuff I didn’t need in the dumpster and went back inside. With each step I took, my feet hesitated, but I pushed forward. I had to get my shit and get out of there. I zipped up my duffle bag and placed the lid on the box with memories of Lexi and me. The best therapy was just to let go of it all. Get away from all the things reminding me of my time at PHU, and most of all, Lexi.
I swung my bag over my shoulder, picked up the box of memories, and shut my bedroom door, not bothering to look back. If I looked back, I knew I’d regret my decision to leave. And as hard as it was, I had to move on. Lexi didn’t deserve any more torment, and if she stayed with me, misery was all I’d ever bring her. She needed to get on with her life, and that didn’t include me with her.
Grabbing the knob, I shut the apartment door and locked it. I slid the key under the mat, knowing Josh would find it later, and descended the stairs. I put my stuff in the trunk and then got in the car, driving toward my mom’s job. I didn’t really want to show up at her work, but I had to tell her I was leaving town and I didn’t want to wait until she got off to do it.
I pulled into the parking lot of the manufacturing plant and parked in a visitor’s spot. I entered the main doors and an older woman at the front desk immediately greeted me.
“Hello, can I help you?”
Pressing my hands against the counter, I said, “Yes, I need to see my mom, Trish Williams.”
“Okay, just a moment.” The lady typed some information into the computer and picked up the phone. “Hi, Martin. It’s Judy at the front desk. I have Trish Williams’s son here to see her. Can you send her to the front?” She smiled at me. “Okay. I’ll let him know.”
“She’ll be here in a few minutes. You can have a seat over there if you’d like.” She pointed to a group of chairs along the wall.
“Thank you, Judy.” I shot her a quick smile and sat down. The clock on the wall flashed 11:27 in the morning. She was about to go to lunch. As I waited, I rehearsed what I was going to tell her. Since I hadn’t called her, I knew she was going to be pissed. I just hoped she wouldn’t slap the shit out of me here in the lobby.
“Raven!”
I looked up to see Mom scanning her badge at the turnstile. “Hey, Mom.”
She rushed toward me, her arms flailing in the air. “Oh, Raven, why haven’t you called?” Her arms wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly. “I’ve been so worried about you.” She pushed backed and looked at me.
“I’m sorry…” my eyes drifted to the floor, then back at her, “I broke my phone and I…well, I just needed some time to calm down.”
“Why did you get so upset? I mean, I know why—” she stopped and looked around. Several eyes had gravitated toward us. I knew she’d told her coworkers about me and since every local TV and radio station was airing my business, they were probably curious to know more. “Let’s go outside and talk.”
“Okay.”
We walked to a small concrete table under a covered awning, but decided to go to my car when several people sat at the tables surrounding us. I hated being in the public eye during down times. Then again, I probably wouldn’t have to worry about it any more. Once the dust settled, everyone would forget about The Raven.
I unlocked the car and we got in. As soon as I shut the door, Mom started her rambling. “Oh my God. I’m so glad you finally came to your senses. I’ve been so worried about you. I haven’t been able to sleep...eat, concentrate on work.” I glanced at her and the dark circles were there, along with bloodshot eyes. “I was so relieved to hear that you were with Shawn. You scared the hell out of me and Lexi.” She pressed her hand to her chest and took a deep breath. “Have you talked to her?”
I shook my head and looked away, watching a few la
ndscaping guys plant spring flowers along the front of the building. It was taking all my strength not to break down and call her. But I already knew what she would say, so I spared us the agony.
“You need to call her. She’s been so upset and worried about you.”
“I’ll let her know I’m okay,” I said, telling mom what she wanted to hear. I had no intention of dialing her number.
“Are you okay, son? I mean, do you need to talk to someone, like your counselor or a doctor?”
“I don’t know.” I gripped the steering wheel tightly, trying to keep the monsters at bay. They were dead set on bringing me down and causing more friction between my mom and me. “Sorry, that’s the wrong answer. I’m going to be okay. I just need to get my head together…get my shit straight.”
Mom fanned herself with a piece of paper she’d picked up from the chair. I started the car and turned up the air. Today happened to be one of those warm Texas spring days, which didn’t help the tension in the car.
“Just tell me what you need and I’ll help. I don’t want to see you have another one of those outbursts.” Her voice cracked and the tears began to flow. “You really scared me, Raven.”
I opened the glove box and handed her a napkin. She wiped the tears dripping from her light green eyes. Eyes that looked just like mine. I hated to see her upset, especially knowing I caused it.
“I’m sorry, Mom, it’s been a lot to handle and everything crashing down at one time was tough to take in. That’s why I have to leave…to get away from here.”
She stopped sniffing. “Where are you going?”
“Back to New Orleans.”
Her eyes widened. “You’re going to go stay with Mimi?”
“Yeah.”
“What about Lexi? She’s still in school.”
I motioned for her to stop. “Look, I just need some time to myself. I can’t see Lexi right now.”
“But she’s your fiancée…you’re engaged to her, Raven.”
“I know, Mom.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Please. I’m asking you to please understand. I need some space right now, and I can’t marry her — not now. Besides, she doesn’t want a loser like me.” My head dropped and I took a deep breath, warding off the toxic thoughts flowing through my head.
A Different Side (University Park #4) Page 55