Sins of the Past (The Star Elite's Highwaymen Investigation Book 2)

by Rebecca King

  ‘I feel as if I am standing on the precipice of something and if I jump I am either going to have a very nasty fall or not care about where I end up,’ she whispered.

  ‘Until you appeared in my life, I was happy being nothing more than a member of the Star Elite. I have a house about twenty miles away from here, but it has been six weeks since I was last there. God only knows when I am going to get the chance to return to it. I will eventually, but it has to wait because my colleagues need me to help with the investigation,’ Zach reasoned. ‘Just imagine if you were my wife waiting at home for me.’

  Clarissa sighed. ‘I shouldn’t mind as long as I had something to do and someone to talk to,’ she replied with brutal honesty. ‘I think the biggest problem would be what my aunt faced when she arrived here. She was married, but the marriage wasn’t a happy one. She was sequestered out here all by herself and had very few visitors. Boredom was her worst enemy and it made her miserable. She never had children because, not long after their marriage, her husband got sick and never recovered. Since then, she has had companions to keep her company.’

  ‘But if you run your own house you will have plenty to do,’ Zach argued.

  ‘But for what? For me to enjoy by myself? Why should I bother all that much if there is no husband at home to share it with?’ Clarissa didn’t really think about her words until she had said them aloud.

  ‘Exactly,’ Zach replied. ‘And I cannot stop my work with the Star Elite. Boredom would be my biggest enemy. While I know we would keep each other company, being at home all the time, together, with nothing to do but run an efficient house would be rather boring over time.’

  ‘But there is nothing to say that it has to be that way,’ Clarissa argued with a scowl. ‘We could do things together.’

  Zach, willing to play this game if only so they could contemplate the possibility of a future together, folded his arms and tipped his head. ‘Like what?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Clarissa sighed. ‘Children keep parents busy. I wouldn’t want a nanny to raise my children.’

  ‘Apart from children,’ Zach pressed.

  ‘I don’t know. We could take picnics,’ Clarissa suggested.

  ‘In winter?’

  Clarissa glared at him. She knew he was trying to put distance between them but wasn’t going to allow him to back away from what had started to grow between them seeing as he was the one who kept kissing her. She hadn’t asked him to kiss her but wasn’t going to point that out to him. She wasn’t that brash.

  ‘We could go for long rides,’ Clarissa added.

  ‘With children.’

  ‘Well, what would you suggest?’

  Zach squinted into the distance over her shoulder. ‘No. I can’t think of anything. Picnics are great but you can’t do them when the weather is poor or it is winter.’

  ‘In other words domestic life would be boring,’ Clarissa replied. She had to concede that he was right. Domestic life even in Bessie’s house was as boring as Hell most days. Out in the middle of nowhere, with the housekeeper and maids to clean and effectively run the house, there wasn’t much else to do except draw, ride, write letters, and sew.

  ‘I am used to being outside, in the open air, oftentimes at night when most people are in their beds sleeping soundly. The highwaymen aren’t the only criminals who come out at night. Most criminals commit their crimes at night when they think that most people aren’t watching. I have been doing this for so long now that I don’t think I can stop. When I see married life ahead of me, or even stop to contemplate it, I see nothing more than endless hours of boredom and monotony. I have never moved around in social circuits. While I am not uncouth, I certainly don’t intend to start to attend balls and dinners just to entertain a wife. I have no interest in any of that.’

  ‘Neither do I,’ Clarissa admitted, wrinkling her nose up.

  Zach tipped her chin up when she studied the ground beneath their feet. ‘Really?’

  ‘Does it not occur to you to ask why Bessie dresses like a man?’ Clarissa asked, staring deeply into his eyes. She felt certain that one of them had moved because Zach was considerably closer than he had been a moment ago, although she couldn’t remember having taken a step forward.

  ‘Of course I have but we are guests here and we cannot ask impertinent questions like that,’ Zach replied.

  ‘She does it to keep people away. Do you know that? She doesn’t want to join the spiteful social circuit either. Her sister, Carlotta, lives in London. She married an Earl and moves about amongst ton. God, she is a snob. She is arrogant, boorish, and boring. All she can talk about is social class and the wrongs of others. She is just as judgmental as my father but spiteful with it because that is all the social set must discuss, other people’s wrongdoings. It doesn’t matter to them if they are truthful or not, or if they are right to pass judgement on others. If they can be seen in the right drawing rooms, chatting to the highest-ranking people, then they are better than everyone else. The fact is that life like that sucks enjoyment out of everything. It isn’t really living your own life. It is living life to other people’s opinions and expectations. What kind of life is that? I don’t want any part of it, and neither does Bessie. As a Viscountess, Bessie knew several people through her husband. They kept coming to see her once her husband died, and always came with the same shallow judgement and scorn. In the end, I think she gave up trying to please them. She told me once that she felt suffocated beneath the weight of other people’s judgement, and so decided to shrug the entire lot off. People like that weren’t important to her so she didn’t miss them when they stopped by, took one look at her in her manly attire, and promptly left again. She knew they were going to scorn her for it, but then probably already did anyway as soon as her back was turned. The main purpose for their visits was to find fodder to gossip with; something they could find fault with and scorn in someone else’s morning room the next day. I am not going to be a part of that, which is why I was so vehemently objectionable to my father’s suggestion that I go to London.’ Clarissa held her palms outward to indicate the huge mansion and neatly manicured lawns. ‘This isn’t who I am either. I much prefer driving carriages, shooting targets, and riding through the countryside as fast as I can get Horace to go. The locals around here are all used to me, and wisely keep their distance, and for that I am glad because I don’t care what they think. I am going to live my life as I see fit and if people find me wilful then so be it.’

  Zach stared at her and felt something warm begin to gather in the centre of his chest. In that moment, he knew he fell in love with her, just a little bit, although wouldn’t acknowledge it just yet.

  To his amazement, Clarissa placed her hands on either side of his face and tugged his head down to hers before giving him a kiss that was pure sexual torment. The bold sweep of her mouth was heavenly, and so firm and determined that he slid his arms around her without even thinking about the wisdom of tugging her closer. Unlike the gentle kiss in the bedroom, this kiss was more honest. It was raw and came from the heart. Within seconds, passion blossomed to life and turned the kiss into a sensual mating. A matching of minds, bodies and souls. Neither gave in as they each surrendered to the seduction without persuasion. Hands clung to clothing and scoured dips and hollows while mouths slid and clashed, sought release, and then collided again before savouring the warm caresses of the other.

  To his disgust, the kiss was over as swiftly as it had started. Rather than stalk away, Clarissa stepped out of his arms and stared at him. Her chest was heaving with the strength of what had just happened. She was shaken by it but refused to apologise to him.

  ‘Like I have said, if I am ever blessed with children, I fully intend to raise them myself. I don’t intend to shove them in the attic to be brought out on special occasions. My children will run free, with bare feet in the grass, mud between their toes, and hearts full of joy and laughter. They are not going to be joining the ballrooms of ton because I won’t allow them to be
come that shallow or spiteful. While they won’t have many friends, those they do have will be kind to them and supportive like your friends are to you. I am not asking you if it is right. These are my choices. No husband of mine will ever tell me that I cannot do anything. I want to be walking in the grass with bare feet and mud between my toes myself. I want to be able to wear breeches and go racing across the fields at dawn if I want to. Given what happened with the highwaymen, I understand the importance of being able to defend myself and want to be able to keep my aim sharp by going shooting occasionally. Some might consider it unladylike, or not in keeping with my station in life, but I don’t care. If my husband still finds a warm, happy home that is full of eccentricity and joy still sadly lacking then he doesn’t deserve the love I can offer him.’ With that Clarissa turned and walked away from him with her head held high.

  Once in the house, she closed the door quietly behind her and realised then just how much her heart was pounding. She had never spoken to anybody like that before, especially a man, but while the words she had spoken made her cringe for the raw honesty of them, she also couldn’t regret having spoken them because they came from the heart. If Zach didn’t recognise that they could have a good life together then he wasn’t the man for her. If he wanted something more, something she didn’t recognise, as far as she was concerned they couldn’t be together. The last thing she wanted was to fall even more deeply in love with him only for him to consider her someone who couldn’t be what he wanted or give him what he wanted.

  ‘I need to be needed and wanted by him,’ she whispered sadly. ‘Unfortunately, I don’t think you are the kind of man who would ever need what a woman could offer you. You may want it, on a temporary basis at least, but you won’t need it.’

  Clarissa suspected that was the crux of the problem. Zach was someone who usually did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted to do it. He was the kind of man who went wherever he was needed. She didn’t doubt that he had enjoyed his fair share of lovers throughout the years and didn’t doubt that he had plenty of women who would be willing to share his bed on a temporary basis. He may have wanted them as well, but he didn’t really need them to become a permanent part of his life.

  ‘At least I know now that I want a man like Zach, but I also want him to need me to fulfil his life, and not think that I am going to condemn him with a life of domestic boredom,’ Clarissa murmured.

  With a heavy sigh, she pushed away from the door and made her way into the main body of the house. It wasn’t unusual for it to be quiet. Usually by mid-morning her aunt had gone for a ride herself, oftentimes with Frederick, but this morning there was something unusual about the stillness.

  It might be more noticeable because in the last couple of days life has been anything but quiet.

  Clarissa was half-way across the hallway when she realised that she hadn’t seen Mrs Reynolds in the kitchen, or Nora sweeping out the fires, or polishing the stairs as she usually would.

  ‘Bessie?’ Clarissa called.

  The hair came up on the back of her head when she found the sitting room empty. There was nothing unusual in that. It was unusual to find Bessie’s riding cloak on the back of the chair in the study though, and her riding boots sitting beside the fireplace where they were usually kept when Bessie wasn’t riding.

  ‘Rosamund?’ Clarissa called, a little louder. ‘Bessie? Nora? Mrs Reynolds?’

  With a shrug, she contemplated whether to go upstairs for a nap. She needed to think about what she had said to Zach, and what she wanted in the future. After what had happened with her father, it was clear to Clarissa that her relationship with Colin was irretrievably damaged. When she contemplated that, though, Clarissa realised that she wasn’t all that upset about it. She should be devastated, and at least making plans to go and see him while he was in gaol, but she just couldn’t bear the thought of putting herself through the ordeal. He was going to moan and whine and blame her for his predicament even though it really was not her fault.

  As far as I am concerned, it is for the Star Elite to explain to him why they have arrested him.

  What Clarissa really wanted to do was go upstairs and think about Zach. While she barely knew him, she was comfortable with him, and felt that she was starting to get to know him. Yes, there were differences between them but while he had doubts, she couldn’t see any problems that were insurmountable. Not if they both wanted to make this connection a relationship.

  ‘But I think that, in his own way, Zach was trying to tell me that he doesn’t want a relationship with me,’ Clarissa sighed with a heavy heart.

  While it was for the best that she learnt that now, Clarissa still felt saddened that nothing could come from her attraction toward him. What she was going to do about keeping her distance from him while he had to stay at the house, though, was something she now had to contemplate.

  Clarissa was still thinking of different ways to avoid him when she wandered into the library moments later.

  ‘What in the world-’ She gasped in astonishment, but got no further before the world went black.

  Zach was absently brushing down Horace when his colleagues found him half an hour after he had watched Clarissa disappear into the house.

  ‘The body has been dealt with,’ Morgan told him before Zach could ask.

  Zach nodded and led Horace into the meadow behind the barn. When he returned and began to brush his own horse down, Zach didn’t join in with the desultory conversation. He was too busy mulling over what Clarissa had said.

  ‘Penny for them,’ Duncan mused, snapping his fingers under Zach’s nose.

  Zach sighed but struggled to know how to phrase what he wanted to ask.

  ‘Don’t tell me that you have fallen for her,’ Greg teased when he saw Zach’s blank look. He shook his head in astonishment. ‘Well, if there was a woman who I could ever see suiting you, it would be her.’

  Zach’s brows shot up. ‘Why? Why her?’

  ‘She is not the usual boring miss, is she? I mean, she drives a carriage better than you do,’ Jarvis teased.

  ‘My driving skills are excellent,’ Zach boasted. ‘Clarissa is an excellent driver as well, isn’t she?’

  ‘She has a fiery temper,’ Reuben mused. ‘It indicates that she is passionate.’

  ‘Ask Zach. He was the one who managed to clamber into her bed chamber remember,’ Greg teased.

  ‘She isn’t that kind of woman,’ Zach scolded. Defending her was so instinctive that the words left his lips before he realised that he had said them.

  ‘You need to defend her reputation. This must be serious,’ Duncan muttered, pursing his lips. Despite his dour expression his eyes were alive with mirth. ‘Might one ask if your intentions are honourable?’

  ‘I am not going to sodding ruin her and then ride off to carry on with the investigation,’ Zach snorted. ‘I am not that kind of gentleman.’

  ‘I didn’t realise you were a gentleman,’ Evan snorted but laughed when Zach cursed at him.

  ‘She is pretty,’ Reuben mused. ‘Life with her would never be dull or boring. She is far too feisty.’ He was prevented from saying anything else by having to lift the heavy saddle off his horse’s back. He carried it into the barn but when he returned it was to find Duncan pressing Zach to confide in him.

  ‘We are going to be dealing with some dangerous men, Zach. It won’t do for you to get too distracted by her. It might be better if you resolve whatever feelings you have for her before you go. I mean, if you don’t want anything more with her then keep your distance. If you really are interested in taking this further then say so and put your connection with her on a firmer footing so you are assured that matters are settled between you, preferably before we go after the highwaymen.’

  ‘I am attracted to her, I will admit, but no matter how much I try I just cannot see myself being married. Do I look like the kind of man who would be happy doing nothing more than paying bills and looking after a wife and child?’ Zach asked. When he
fell silent, he realised that his colleagues had all stopped what they were doing so they could listen to him.

  ‘There is nothing wrong with it,’ Duncan assured him. ‘It is nowhere near as dull as you may think. There is something rather wonderful about going home. You know, to a warm house with food in the pantry and a welcoming smile on the face of a wonderful woman. Phoebe is always delighted when I go home. The welcome I get from her is worth the torment of being apart. We spend every moment together when I am at home because we both know that we may be apart for a really long time once I leave again. It makes our time together even more special.’

  ‘I cannot imagine how some of the men cope leaving not just a wife behind but children too,’ Greg muttered.

  ‘It must be incredibly difficult, but Phoebe has help so she isn’t on her own and doesn’t get bored. She is more than content. I know that because she is more confident than most women, and far more capable. She isn’t going to fall into a fit of the vapours if something goes wrong in the house while I am away. She will deal with problems that arise, or if she can’t then she will invariably arrange for someone else to come and fix them for her. Usually, when I get home, the house is fine, nice and warm, and I get to truly relax. It isn’t until I have been married that I realise just how dull and boring my home life had been before I met Phoebe. It isn’t marriage that is dull, it is bachelorhood. I mean, when you have finished with the investigation, you will go home, right?’

  Zach nodded.

  ‘To do what, exactly?’ Duncan pressed.

  ‘Sleep mostly, and eat, catch up on paperwork,’ Zach muttered.

  ‘You don’t think that life might be embellished a little by having someone to talk to, someone to share your bed with at night, someone who will greet you with open arms and a warm smile, and plenty of loving? You don’t think that life might be a little happier if you have a reason for paying those bills, and making sure there is enough food on the table?’ Duncan scratched his chin. ‘I don’t know about any of you, but I am not stupid, I know when I have been blessed in life. While I wasn’t expecting Phoebe to land in my life the way she did, I am not sorry that I took a chance on marriage to her. She is the love of my life and I don’t care who knows it. She is my wife, and I am damned proud to be able to call her that. She is my life. Without her, my life would be dull and sodding boring,’ Duncan growled. ‘The only thing that would make life even more exciting with her is to have a child. That should be enough to stop her getting bored and give me even more to worry about while I am not with her. It isn’t just about paying bills, Zach. Married life is about worrying about the woman you adore being back at home by herself. It is about not knowing if she is all right, if something has gone wrong, if she is eating properly, feeling well. It is about rushing home if I am nearby just to be able to snatch an hour or two with her and steal a few kisses before leaving again. It is about waiting for the time when my responsibilities to the Star Elite have been completed and I can turn my attention back to my family. It isn’t a burden. It is a blessing to have her in my life.’