by Diana Fraser
“That’s… that’s rubbish.” James could hardly get the words out. Why the hell was she saying such things? “You walk into a room and I can’t keep my eyes off you.”
“That’s because you’re you.”
He shook his head. “You’re kidding me, right? You do know how sexy you are, don’t you?”
She spluttered and coughed as a crumb went down the wrong way. “James, please. You don’t have to—”
“What? Tell you the truth? He rolled carefully onto his side, avoiding Tom who’d snuggled down lower and was sleeping peacefully. She lay on her back, the outline of her forehead, nose and lips just visible under the combined light of the stars and the fire. “I do have to tell you the truth because it seems you have no knowledge of it. Look at me.” She glanced briefly and tried to look away but he caught her chin and lightly held her face so she had no choice but to look at him. “When I look at you the first thing I see are your eyes.” He softly touched her brow, following its line around her eyes. She closed them and her long lashes tickled his finger. “I love two things about them.”
She glanced at him from under lowered lashes. “Only two?”
He smiled. “But they’re two big things.”
“In that case…”
“First, they’re beautiful. Your lashes are darker than your hair and… I don’t know how it works but, although you don’t wear makeup, your lashes form a line outlining your eyes, framing the hazel-green eyes like a portrait. A Mona-Lisa—except much prettier—watching me now, only me.”
“I can see why you’d like that.”
Desire tightened in his gut and lower. “But it’s more than their shape and color. They see, really see things for what they are. No fooling those eyes. They see more than they should, perhaps.”
Her hand came up to grasp his, held it for a moment and then dragged it off her face. “That’s fanciful.”
He sat back down but didn’t take his eyes from hers. “No it’s not. Your eyes affect me like no one else’s. I can’t hide when you look at me, I don’t want to hide. Somehow… you release me.”
They held each other’s gaze for a long moment, during which the only sounds were the rustle of leaves on the land that rose steeply behind them and the soft sweep and drag of the waves on the sand. Then she shook her head. “I can’t release you, James. Only you can do that.”
The truth of her words hit him hard and he turned away as despair engulfed him. Could he never rid himself of the blank emptiness that filled him? An emptiness he was always trying to fill with women, with activity, with company, drink and travel. An emptiness that always returned.
Her hand reached out for his and he turned towards her. “You’ve lost your way, James. You knew it as a boy but, somehow, it’s gone, you’ve lost it.”
“Freefall, Suse.”
“What?”
“I’ve been in freefall, nothing below me, nothing above me.”
She pushed her fingers through his and closed her hand over and around his. “I have you now. Just for now.”
And it felt so right. He could smell her perfume—not some packaged expensive fragrance, but the lemony scent of shampoo in her hair and the smell of fresh air on her skin. Just in that lungful of her, he felt absolved of guilt for the life he’d been leading. She was redemption to him. He couldn’t mess it up. All he wanted to do was to turn to her and take her in his arms, to fill her with himself, to lose himself in her, mentally and physically, to come home to her. But he couldn’t. Not just because Tom lay curled up at their feet, but because it was too soon.
He sighed and lay back, reveling in her warmth and tenderness. “Just for now,” he repeated.
The words hung in the air, as Susie’s breathing deepened and she drifted into sleep. He lay, his hand still in hers, and watched the imperceptible shift of the Milky Way overhead and listened to the lazy drag of the sea, which continued as if everything were normal, as if nothing had changed.
CHAPTER SIX
It was cold when James awoke, his arms wrapped around Susie. Despite the discomfort, he’d not so slept soundly in years. They’d all snuggled closer together in the night but the slowly lightening sky was bringing a chill to the air. Within seconds of awakening, Tom had jumped out from under the blankets. Susie groaned and turned away, pulling the covers over her head.
“The tide’s at its lowest now, I’m going looking for oysters. Coming?” Tom was pulling on his sweater and beanie against the chill.
“Later, Tom, later. Perhaps when the sun makes an appearance.” He glanced at Susie who made no answer or sound. “Looks like your mum’s not interested either.”
“Pikers!” shouted Tom from over his shoulder as he ran towards the sea.
There was no answer from Susie. The covers had been pulled down from where Tom had leaped up. James shifted closer and pulled the cover over her shoulders. He lowered his head to hers. Even though she was fast asleep, she shivered. He shifted closer to warm her with his body and she snuggled back into him, her bottom finding that part of him that grew harder with every moment. He tried to think of something else, anything to keep his lust in check because it was that, that had gotten him into trouble with Susie in the first place. He wasn’t here to seduce her again. He was here to make amends before he left to start a new life. But his body refused to co-operate.
He looked across to Tom, who was happily peering into the grey rock-pools that the receding tide had exposed and then looked back at Susie. She frowned in her half asleep state and rubbed at her cheek where a strand of hair tickled. He shifted it off her face and the frown relaxed and her breathing deepened once more. He sighed, lay back and held her in his arms, never wanting that moment to end.
She woke up with a start and turned her face suddenly to his. He could still see the mist of dreams in her eyes. “James,” she whispered.
He smiled. “Expecting someone else?”
“No. Where’s Tom?” At that moment Tom scooped up something in the net and held it up to them. She waved. “Busy as usual. And you…” She turned to him. “I wasn’t even expecting you to still be here.”
Her smile was sweet and unguarded. He wanted to lift his finger and trace the upward curve of her lips but he didn’t.
“Nowhere else to go, sweetheart.” He might have been able to keep his hands in check but the endearment slipped out before he knew it. She frowned slightly. “Besides,” he added quickly, wanting to see her relaxed smile once more. “I wouldn’t get far on my own. I need you to navigate.”
“So.” She grinned. “I have power.” She stretched out and he enjoyed the length of her arms and the rise of her breasts, so close to his body. She wriggled a little closer to him and looked into his eyes with a cheeky expression. “It feels good to have power.”
He plucked a strand of hair and tucked it behind her ear. “Women always have the power. You just haven’t realized it.”
“Yeah, right. So powerful, the man always hogs all the bed clothes.”
“That’s because we’re bigger and need more of them.”
“Size isn’t everything, you know.” He grinned and she tutted in mock disapproval and poked him in the chest. “James! I know what you’re thinking.”
He grabbed her finger and held it tight. “Really? Then tell me.”
She didn’t try to move her finger, but held his gaze. He watched as the laughter morphed into something more intense, more sexual. He pushed his fingers through hers and brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. She shook her head but didn’t say anything. He continued to hold her fist to his mouth, brushing his lips against her fingers. Then he moved away and released her, watching her fingers stretch out, pale and slight beside his own.
“James, I…”
“It’s okay.” He reached out with his other hand and stroked down her hair that was mussed at the side. “Unlike your hair.” The tension dissipated, just as he wanted it to and she laughed, lost her balance and rolled towards him. In one movement
his hand slipped around her body and brought her tight against him. He could see the precise moment when she felt his erection against her. A shutter came down on her expression and she shifted away.
“Not much I can do about that, Suse. I have a beautiful woman in my arms.”
She turned abruptly from him and sat with her back to him, pulling on her shoes. “It’s automatic with you, isn’t it?”
“Waking up in the morning wanting sex?” He sat up and began to reach over for her, wanting to touch her, to reassure her, but withdrew his hand before she noticed. “I can confidently predict that 99% of men are the same.”
She glanced over her shoulder at him. “It wouldn’t matter who you were with, then.”
“Sex, maybe not so much. But making love?” He shook his head. “Making love’s different. That’s not automatic.”
“Semantics. I’m not interested either way.” She jumped up and peered out at the lightening beach, watching as Tom dragged the net to the far side of the bay. At that moment the sun began to rise up above the wide horizon, casting a ruffled red glow across the pale sea, illuminating the beach under its steady light. Birdsong filled the air.
He looked up at the shadowy trees above and stopped himself from replying to her with the truth. What good would it do her, or him, if he told her that she was the only one he wanted to make love to? He tried to smile reassuringly, as if nothing had changed. It had, but it made no difference.
“We should get going soon. Tom’s got homework to do before he leaves for Auckland tonight.”
“Tonight then, Suse. Dinner. Just you and me.” He had a question to ask, a question she could only answer without Tom being present. And she knew it.
She didn’t turn round but he saw the tension in her shoulders as she delayed her reply. Then she nodded. “Sure.”
“Good. I’ll pick you up at seven. Now… let’s go and see what Tom’s dug up for our breakfast. Last one there gets to eat it.”
Susie had hardly said a word on the drive to the restaurant. She’d retreated from their earlier intimacy. That was okay, but he was going to find out what he needed to know, whether she wanted him to or not.
Even now, on the terrace of the exclusive restaurant, she’d rather look at the view—which he had to admit was amazing. The setting sun shed a soft raspberry glow through the low cloud that had settled over the Gulf. Center-stage was the volcanic island of Rangitoto, which sprawled across the Gulf like some sleeping giant. To the left, further still, were the lights of Auckland, topped by the Sky Tower.
He watched her as she checked out her surroundings with a professional eye—from the manicured lawns, clipped hedges and expensive, uplit artworks. She’d caught the sun at the beach. The flash of pink across her nose and cheeks, together with the green top she wore, made her eyes even brighter, even more striking than usual. She turned to him suddenly and it was his turn to look away.
“I haven’t been here in ages.”
“I like it.”
She shot him a dark look. “I knew you would. It’s smooth, sophisticated and so not what Whisper Creek is.”
“It could be.”
“James! It would lose its character.”
“Okay. Let’s leave it at that and we can talk it through with Guy. So… are you hungry?”
She took a sip of wine and shook her head. “I’ve already eaten with Tom.” She sighed.
“Sad to see him go?”
“Always. But it’s for the best. I can’t keep him here with me on the island. He loves his aunt and she adores him and he gets the best education I can afford and plenty of friends to play with.” She smiled a quick brave smile. “It’s for the best. It really is.”
“I’m sure it is. Even if you don’t really believe it. Anyway…” He pushed away the menu. He’d suddenly lost his appetite and topped up their glasses with wine instead. “Thanks for letting me tag along with you and Tom. I had a great time.”
Susie smiled. “I know you did. So did Tom. He thought you were amazing. You’ve got yourself a fan there.”
“And you? Did you enjoy it?”
She looked down at her drink. “You know I did.”
He nodded. “Okay. Now, talk to me.”
“You’re very demanding. What do you want me to talk about?”
“Tell me about Tom. Tell me about his father.”
“I’m surprised you took this long to ask me.”
“Two things stopped me. Tom and…”
“And?”
“I didn’t want to hear the wrong answer.”
“Ah,” she said on a quickly exhaled breath, as if shocked. “I wonder which answer you want to hear?”
He shrugged noncommittally. If he told her the truth now, she’d probably run a mile.
“I was married, you know,” she continued.
James frowned and swirled his wine around the glass, studying it with an interest he didn’t feel. “Yes, I know. Pete told me.”
“Not many people knew. My family—mother, aunt and brother—we’d come up to Auckland by then. Liz—she knew I wouldn’t want anyone from Glencoe to know.”
“Meaning me.”
“Meaning you.”
“So, who was he?”
She sighed. “No one you knew. I met him in Auckland. We weren’t together long. He died suddenly in a motorcycle accident when Tom was two. Tom doesn’t have any memory of him.”
“I’m sorry. I…” He didn’t know what to say. Hearing her talk of her husband made it all too real for him. “I had no idea.”
“No, not many people did. I don’t talk about it often.”
“Too painful?”
“No. He was a good man in many ways. We just weren’t suited. He was good with Tom, he loved Tom.”
Loved him like his own? Or loved him because he was his own? “Tom told me when his birthday is.”
“He told you that?”
“You must have got pregnant real soon after I last saw you.” She didn’t answer and James couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to know. Now. He needed to know the truth, whether it would devastate or not. “You didn’t have that abortion, did you?” He wouldn’t have believed it was possible to hear his heart beat so loudly above the pounding of the sea.
Her green-grey eyes appeared remote and grave. “Yes, I did.” Her voice was so quiet, he thought he’d heard wrong. She must have seen his blank gaze. “Yes… I did,” she repeated, louder this time.
The words slammed into his gut. She was lying. She had to be. “But… it all fits. Tom looks like me. He’s the right age.”
“I had that abortion, James. I had the abortion and then went straight out and got pregnant.” If he felt pain at her words, he felt it doubly now, as her face twisted into a grimace that tried to hide a decade of grief. “I couldn’t bear what I’d done.” She drew in a deep breath. “Your parents wanted the abortion, my parents wanted it, and you… you wanted it. I was seventeen, too young to go against everyone in my whole world, everyone who I thought loved me. My parents wanted the best for me and thought an abortion was the best. Your mother wanted the best for you and considered an abortion was the best. Both of these I understood. But you? Who did you think it was best for?”
“I thought it was the best for both of us. But… I was young too.”
“And now?”
“I was wrong. I should never have suggested it. I shouldn’t have returned to university. I shouldn’t have left you at Glencoe. I should have stayed.”
“And done what exactly? Settled down to become a family man and farmer? Or taken me and the baby with you jet-setting around the world? A child wouldn’t have fitted into your life. No, I didn’t want an abortion. Everything inside me screamed against it, but I went ahead and had one because I was too young, too naïve, too weak to withstand the pressure. And I have to live with that decision every day of my life.”
“And so do I.” He turned away to hide the grief that the news had brought. She’d taken away any hope
now that he’d ever have a son. Because she wasn’t the only one who’d been affected by the abortion. He hadn’t been able to prevent his hopes rising. Yes, he’d been shocked at first but that shock had turned into amazement and hope had blossomed. His future had suddenly seemed different to the one he’d envisaged. It was as if someone had lit a light at the end of a very dark tunnel, giving him a ray of hope. Susie had just extinguished that hope with one fell swoop. And all he felt was a deep well of emptiness and grief. “So do I, Suse,” he repeated with a sigh.
He stood up and walked to the edge of the terrace, pushed his hands through his hair, and stared blankly at the distant lights of Auckland. He narrowed his eyes, focussing on the cluster of bright lights until his eyes watered.
James had only seen that he and Tom had shared the same coloring, the same build, the same sense of excitement and happiness he’d had as a boy, an excitement and happiness that had faded over time as he’d made wrong choices, been with wrong people, done the wrong things. But he’d not allowed his mind to notice the differences. The more serious nature, the solid sense of security and peace inside him, were things James had never had and never would have. All through their time together, he’d allowed his imagination to run riot and to think of all the things he could tell the boy, his son, to stop him from making the same mistakes he’d made. But the dreams had just shattered and disintegrated into dust. Christ, what a mess.
“I hadn’t thought that you’d be disappointed Tom isn’t yours.” He turned to find Susie standing behind him, a confused frown on her face.
“No, I guess you wouldn’t.”
“You really hoped Tom was yours?”
“Yes.” He drew in a deep, salty breath, once, twice, trying to draw back from the unwanted emotion, to find his usual superficial self, the charmer who always knew what to say. “Crazy isn’t it?”
She didn’t agree or disagree just looked out across the empty bay. “You don’t have children from past relationships?”
He shook his head, not trusting himself to speak.
“I guess you made sure you didn’t, after what happened to us.”