by Diana Fraser
“And because he can’t have any of his own—”
“He can’t?” Susie turned away as the pain struck her. James couldn’t have kids? Why the hell hadn’t he told her? Why did this stranger know more about James than she did? The answer was obvious—because Susie didn’t know him at all, because she’d been fooled by him into believing an illusion. The only truth was, Susie had a son and James apparently wanted a family.
Amanda ignored, if she’d ever heard, the question. “And my three kids really needed a father figure. It’s hard making ends meet with three children and a bankrupt ex.”
Susie shook her head, trying to make sense of the words that seemed to make no sense. “I’m sorry, this is all new to me. You say you thought you were to marry James and that you need money but that it’s all now off?” She shook her head. “You must have thought wrong. James, he…” She couldn’t continue.
“Not wrong, Susie. We’d talked about it. He wanted to make changes and he’d made it clear I’d be part of them. I’m sorry… I thought you knew. I assumed James had told you, that’s why he brought you here.”
“No,” Susie said. “I wanted to come.” She closed her eyes as she remembered how she had insisted. “I insisted on coming. I wanted to see where he lived, what his life was like. I hadn’t imagined it would be quite this…”
“Illuminating?” Amanda looked awkward. “Look, I’m really sorry. I wouldn’t have butted in if I’d thought for one minute, you didn’t know about us, and our arrangement. It really was more of a business arrangement than anything. Two disillusioned people trying to keep their lives afloat.”
For the first time, Susie understood the sadness in this woman’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay. I’ve survived worse. I have other options.” She gazed around at the open doors to the wine cellar that was full of men, oozing glamour, money and sophistication. “And James has been more than generous with the trust funds. My kids won’t want for anything.”
“How old are they? Does he know them well? Will he miss them?”
“They’ll miss him to begin with but they’re too small to remember. Hopefully he’ll still get to see them from time to time?”
The sentence ended in a question mark, which Susie knew was down to her to answer. She nodded. “Of course. Whatever James wants. He’s a free agent.”
“Really? I thought you two were going to get hitched?”
“Look, I’m going now.” Susie was unable to think of a thing further to say to the woman who’d just shattered her vision of the future.
“Sure. Lovely to meet you, Susie, and take good care of James. It looks as if he’s found his soul mate after all.” Amanda held up her glass in silent salute, finished off the champagne and wandered unsteadily off.
Susie didn’t know where she was going but followed Amanda at a distance, back towards the cellar room where the party continued. She watched as Amanda sashayed her way through the crowded room, male eyes turning to watch her walk by. She wanted to hate her but she couldn’t. She and James had made a loveless deal because they were desperate, despite the glamour.
She walked up to James and let her hand smooth down the soft, sleek fabric of his expensive tuxedo. “James, we need to talk.”
James stopped talking mid-sentence and turned to her, his hand caressing her bare arm. “I’ll be with you as soon as I can. Just a few minutes.” He tried to slip his arm around her but one of the other men grabbed him, drunkenly reminiscing. James laughed. “You go on up, I’ll not be far behind. But I don’t know there’s much to talk about.”
She didn’t acknowledge his suggestive words, didn’t move her head, her face or her eyes, just looked at him as if he were a stranger, as if she were looking at him from a distance. “We need to talk,” she repeated.
She looked around at the group of men who he was chatting to, people she recognized from the wine industry. They took no notice of her, as she expected. She was insignificant, unnoticeable in this glamorous world, wanted only because she could bring James a child, wanted only because she could take James’s painful past away because she’d forgiven him, because she trusted him. What a joke!
She stepped away and hesitated but James’s attention was soon bound up in the animated conversation with the others. She took another step away and the swirling crowds immediately separated her from James. She knew then that she had to leave.
She’d been wrong and James had been right. There was nothing to talk about.
She turned and walked out of the cellar, through the brilliantly lit interiors of the space that now suddenly seemed empty and vast, rather than imposing and brilliant. She walked to the suite she was sharing with James and began to pack.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Within thirty minutes she was in a taxi, heading back to San Francisco airport with a maxed out credit card and a return flight home booked. She was so lost in her thoughts that it was only when she was offered refreshments that she looked around and realized she’d been ushered into the First-Class Lounge. Then she saw James approaching and she realized why.
He walked over to a room and opened the door. “Susie, you can’t go like this. I need to talk to you.”
“What the hell is there to say?”
“Give me five minutes. Please.”
She followed him into the room and sat down, clutching her bag in front of her, as if it held all the grief in the world and she was determined not to let it spill over. She tried to speak but nothing came out. She cleared her throat. “Five minutes. You have five.”
James stayed where he was, leaning against the door, jacketless on this cold night. “Susie, I wanted to tell you—”
“That you were engaged to another woman while you made love to me? While you insisted I trust you, forgive you? Yes, I can see why you didn’t tell me.”
“It wasn’t like that. You met Amanda. She’s a friend, it was an arrangement we thought would suit. It’s over. It’s all over. I’m so sorry but I never imagined that we could begin again.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, truly, James, why?”
“Because I was scared you wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t risk it.”
“So you lied to me instead.”
She watched him slump back against the door for a moment—his shirt was wet with rain, his tie pulled loose, his eyes hot and intense. “Susie, I—”
She held up her arm to stop him but he came over to her and tried to pull her into his arms. Her stomach plummeted and a dry retch racked her body. She clamped her hand to her mouth and pushed him away, as a cold sweat swept over her. His hand slid down her arm as she tried to escape but he continued to hold her hand in a tight grip, stopping her from leaving his side.
“James, let me go.”
“No.” He tugged her to him and pulled down her other hand to secure her more firmly to him. “No, not until you listen to me.” She looked up into his eyes and for the first time couldn’t keep the distance that she’d trained herself to keep. Her eyes filled with tears and she felt them slide down her face, exposing her heart and soul.
“Are you happy now?” she half-choked. “Got what you wanted, James?”
He shook his head and she could see the pain in his eyes. “I wanted to make things better for you, not worse. And they still can be, if you just listen to me.”
“I don’t want to listen to you. Every time I listen to you I end up believing you, trusting you.” She shoved the tears off her face with the heel of her hand, determined to look him in the eye with strength. “Do you know what it’s like when you’ve totally exposed yourself to someone, given of yourself, only to be tossed aside? Only to discover that”—she gulped in air as she struggled to get the words out—“you weren’t the main attraction, you were just some side-dish before the main show started.” She exhaled jerkily. “Go, James. Go off to your big world with your stupid big ideas and big attractions. I’m just me. Small. Insignificant. Me.” She tried to shake off his hands. �
��Christ! I have to get out of here.” She tried to step towards the door but he still held her hand firmly.
“The flight isn’t for another two hours.”
“Right.” She shook her head, needing the throbbing to subside so she could think clearly. “I have nowhere to go. I’m stuck here with you until you decide I can leave.”
“You can leave whenever you like.”
“Then move out the way.”
He gritted his teeth. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t leave like this. Not until you’ve heard me out.”
“Why not? Do you think I’m going to embarrass you? Is that it? I’ll embarrass you by telling everyone that I’ve just humiliated myself with the one person in the world I needed to protect myself from? Hey? Don’t worry about that. I’m not leaving. You are. Go back to Amanda and that grand world of yours. It’s not my world, never has and never will be. It’s yours. Go.”
“I’m not going until you hear me out.”
“For pity’s sake, James, why won’t you just leave?” She was suddenly aware that she was shivering. Shock, she thought absently. Shock, because she’d let the worst thing happen and hadn’t even seen it coming until it was too late.
“Not this time. Just listen to me.” James brought the sleeve of his silk shirt up and gently wiped away the mascara that had ran down her face. But it made no difference because the tears kept falling. He put his arm around her and brought her to the edge of the sofa and sat her down.
He went to sit beside her. “No!” She shifted away from him and he jumped up as if burned.
He sat down in the chair next to her and pushed his hands through his hair. Behind him the window framed the bright lights of the runway. “Christ, Susie. I never meant it to be like this. I didn’t even imagine we could ever be like this again. I had my life and…”
“And you were bored and wanted some amusement. Well, you chose the right woman, didn’t you? I’m not one of your sophisticated types who knows what to do when a man seduces her. Never have been and never will be. I guess when you seduced Amanda she knew exactly how to handle you.”
He’d been holding his head in his hands but looked up at her then, and the grief in his eyes nearly undid her.
“You’re absolutely right. Amanda is an old friend.”
“Lucky you. You have so many old friends to choose from.”
“She’s not as old a friend as you.”
“How nice for you. A younger version of me.”
“She’s nothing like you.” He felt for her hand and grabbed it. “Just listen, Suse.” He cleared his throat and sucked in a deep breath. “Amanda and I had an arrangement. She doesn’t love me and I don’t love her.”
“You’d marry someone you don’t love? What the hell kind of man are you?”
His dull gaze held hers. “A man desperate for a life that isn’t filled with emptiness.”
“And why would you think a loveless marriage would fill your life?”
“Because it’s better than nothing. And nothing was all I had.”
“So…” she trailed off, trying to understand. “How would a woman you don’t love complete your life?”
He hesitated, holding her gaze. “She has three great kids.”
“Oh, yes. I forgot. Stupid me.” She exhaled all the confusion, dispelled all her hope in that one word. “Kids. You wanted kids. You can’t have them. Apparently.” She lifted her face slowly to his, the lights of the runway illuminating the smooth planes of his face, enhancing his perfection even further. “So she told me. What was that all about?”
“I… I arranged a vasectomy, soon after I left New Zealand. I was upset over what happened with you. I guess it was some kind of way to punish myself.”
“No kids. And you changed your mind and that’s why you wanted me. You thought my son, was your son. Your last chance.”
“I knew he wasn’t mine before we made love. You know it’s you I want.”
“Doesn’t sound as if you’re too picky about which woman you have, providing she can bring you children.” The shakiness, the nausea, the chills had faded away, leaving Susie feeling exhausted but composed. She stood up, opened the door and stood to one side. James didn’t move. “Just go.”
“I can’t leave you like this.”
“You have no choice.”
“What can I say to show you how much I care for you?”
“Nothing.”
He rubbed his hand back and forth against his mouth. “Okay.” He dropped his hand, looked out the window and shook his head, opening his mouth to speak but uttering nothing more than gasps of air as the words seemed to evaporate on his lips. He looked at her then and she had to stop herself from walking over to him. He’d always had expressive eyes and the torment and despair in them was plain to see. It reached out to her and touched her, twisting the knife in the raw wound of her heart. His pain was her pain and would always be. She knew that now. She loved him but the truth was she couldn’t trust him to love her with the same passion and commitment. He reached out his hand for her. “Susie, please don’t go.” His voice was bleak with despair and yearning.
She looked at him briefly before stepping towards the door. “James. I have to. Don’t you see? If I stay with you now, I’m done. I’ve given up on myself… and my son. I’ve more respect for myself than to give myself to someone who professes love for someone while preparing to marry another.”
“It was a business arrangement, Susie. Business. Amanda had suggested it. She’d been through a tricky divorce, she needed money, we got on well. We had a relationship years ago but this wasn’t about sex. It was about a future in which we both got what we wanted. She got financial security and I got a home I could return to at night that had children in it, life in it. That’s all it was.”
“Life is so easy for you, isn’t it?”
“If it was, Susie, I wouldn’t have to make deals like that one. It’s all been second-best since you. I’ve been running around trying to find what I’d lost when you left my life. But it wasn’t to be found. Until I found you again. And you slotted into my soul like a missing piece of the puzzle.”
“Then why didn’t you come to me sooner, James? Why? Okay, I changed my name. But even so, if you’d really wanted to find me you could have done.”
“Your last words to me were that you never wanted to see me again. I’d spent a year at Glencoe waiting for you, hoping you’d return. After that I knew you weren’t coming back and I didn’t try to find out where you were because I didn’t think I had any right to know. So I let it go. I let you go and waited for the pain to subside. And it did. I kept busy. I held it at bay. But you know what?” He walked over to her and with both hands stroked her hair, his thumbs sweeping her cheeks. “It never went away. I thought I could live with it and then I discovered where you were. And I thought to myself, one last chance before I change my life forever. One last chance for me to help you and in so doing, lessen the knot of pain, shame and love that I held tight inside me. Do us both a favor.” He smiled sadly. “I should have known better.”
She lifted her hands to his, which now cupped her cheeks. “James, oh James.” She closed her eyes against the tears that ran down her face. She gasped in a breath. “How could you have messed this up? How could you?”
He shrugged, trying to dredge some lightness up from deep inside. It didn’t work. “It’s only important things I mess up. And you’re important to me. That knot inside, I’d got so used to it that I had no idea that seeing you would unravel it… would unravel me. It turns out that that knot held a secret, something simple, something very straightforward. My love for you. I love you, Susie. I love you like no one else, I love you with all of my heart and my soul and my body. And… I don’t know what else I can say to convince you.”
His words swept through her with the warmth of a healing balm, soothing her fears, stimulating her body, but not quieting the nagging voice of distrust in her head. Instinctively she brought her face closer to his. �
�Words,” she whispered against his mouth. He frowned. “Just words, James,” she repeated more strongly now. She shifted the palms of her hands over the back of his hands and closed her eyes as she tried to press their shape, size and texture into her mind for a time when she wouldn’t have them. Then she gripped them and pulled them from her face. “You’re so good with words, they slip off your tongue. I hear your words but I can’t feel them any more, I can’t trust them any more.”
“What can I say to make you trust me again?”
“Nothing. No more words. You have to go, now.” She counted the seconds against the thumping beat of her heart.
He looked up suddenly and nodded. “No more words. Okay.” He didn’t move for five of the beats of her heart. “I’ll find a way to get through to you, Susie. To make you trust me again. I have to because I can’t go back to what I was before. It’s too late for that.”
“Too late,” she whispered, whether echoing his words or restating her own thoughts, neither knew for sure. “Just go.”
“For now, yes. But I’ll be back, Suse.”
“Please no. I can’t take it. Don’t come back to the island with me, James. If you have any small feeling for me, just leave me alone.”
“I’ll leave, but I’ll be back. I can’t let you go. I’m sorry, Susie. I’m so sorry.” He turned and walked out the door without a backwards glance.
She pressed the door closed and slumped against it, her whole body trembling. She splayed the palms of her hands against the door, as if she were feeling him, clinging to him, even as she heard his footsteps disappear into the executive lounge.
The return journey to New Zealand slipped by in a blur of strangely dreamless sleep and a dull, dreamlike wakefulness. It was only when Susie first caught sight of the island’s wharf from the bow of the ferry that she felt the numbness begin to wear off. She tried to distract herself with a newspaper but, after re-reading the same sentence for ten minutes, she gave up and sat back, closed her eyes and gave herself up to her memories of James.