I rolled my eyes and laughed. "I promise never to damage your Bon Jovi."
"Jon Bon Jovi is here?" Simon asked as he scanned the hovering Shifters.
"Shit," I muttered and I gave Mac a lopsided apologetic smile. "Guess I don't have to worry about Roger letting the rock star out of your pants."
"No," Mac said with a huge sigh and a chuckle. "You did just fine on your own."
"Oooohhhhhhh, I get it," Simon said with a thumbs up. "I call mine The Hulk."
"TMI, Simon," I told my skunk buddy as all the male Shifters began shouting out the names of their man rods.
What had I started?
"Okay," I yelled. "That's quite enough. I'm delighted and repulsed that you've all named your packages, but I have enough nightmares as it is."
"I call mine John Holmes," Roger the rabbit therapist shouted in the silence.
There was simply no way in hell I was going to him for my problems. Not gonna happen.
"Mmkay, while that's all kinds of awesome, beyond gross and massive wishful thinking, we have business to attend to and the next Shifter who shares his weenie's name shall lose said weenie."
The silence was so thick it could be cut with a knife. I suppressed my giggle and forged on. Glancing around, I realized someone else was missing. Not good—not good at all.
"Where is Baba Yomamma?" I asked Daaaaad and Hildy.
"She left," Hildy said as she floated as near to Chuck as she dared.
"What do you mean she left?" I demanded. "Her freakin' warlocks are in my basement being put through the ringer by Sassy the Terminator. Baba Yagahumper can't leave those creepy doucheholes here."
"Well, she did. But she'll be back next Tuesday. We have a date," Daaaaad informed me as he strutted back and forth like a peacock.
Oh. My. Hell. Daaaaad and Baba Yogibooboo? What was the world coming to?
"Back the fuck up," I groused. "You cannot date Baba Yaga."
"Clearly I have no say about your dating life," Daaaaad snipped as he gave Mac a pissy look. "So therefore my sex-capades are off limits to you."
"Shitballs. You've just put an un-erasable image in my head," I squealed in horror.
"Roger the rabbit can probably help you with that," Hildy chimed in.
"No. No, he probably can't," I disagreed. I barely swallowed back my need to scream that Roger was more than likely too busy whacking off to porn to actually be a therapist. He'd named his peenie John Holmes.
"Anyhoo," Daaaaad went on. "Baba had to leave. She felt quite sure you could handle things."
"Does it really look like I can handle things?" I queried sarcastically as I gestured to my dangling neighbors.
"You're doing fine, dear," Hildy said without a whole lot of oomph behind it.
"Yeah, that's debatable," I said, and then turned to my daaaad. "And I will never call Baba Yostuckintheeighties, ‘Mom’."
"You were never going to call me Dad," he informed me smugly.
"I am so close to going back to Naked Dude I can taste it," I warned.
Daaaaad made the international zip the lip motion and backed up. Clearly he wasn't going to risk the moniker change. Smart move.
"Okay…" I got back to the reason I'd called everyone here. "Here's the deal. One of Baba Yaga's fucktard warlocks let the honey badger go. My former cellmate Sassy the Assbag Witch from Hell is picking their brains as we speak. She has promised not to blow up my house, but it still remains to be seen. I am assuming the honey badger has come back to the area to get the solution and the syringe he used on Hildy when he killed her. As soon as we have the intel, I will make a plan. It will probably be a bad plan, but I will make it nonetheless. Any questions?"
"Um, are you going to leave us hanging?" Roger the rabbit asked.
"I've told you all I know at this point."
"I think he means hanging in the air," Mac supplied gently.
"Oh. I knew that," I said quickly.
"Like seven?" he inquired casually.
"Yes," I said in a business-like tone. "Exactly like seven. As to you guys hanging… I'm still figuring that one out, so…"
"What the hell is this?" Sassy grunted as she staggered across the yard looking like she'd ran the Boston Marathon and then gotten electrocuted. "Some kind of fucked up Shifter party ritual?"
The cats followed behind her, still singed from the earlier blast, but looking fine.
"Oh my Goddess." I gasped and grabbed Sassy before she face planted at my feet. "Are you okay?"
"Never been better. Is Jeeves here?"
Once a hooker, always a hooker.
"Nope, he's still at the grocery. He gets carried away there," Mac told her.
"That's slightly metrosexual," she said, confused.
"He's a chef," I added quickly before she started asking too many questions. She'd meet Jeeves soon enough. I just wanted to be there when she did.
"That's hot," she said.
The cats nodded their approval.
"Yes, well we have a few issues here," I said getting back on track. "I sort of accidentally suspended the Shifters. I would be very appreciative if you could undo the spell and let them down."
"My pleasure," she said.
With a wave of her hand all the Shifters dropped to the ground with resounding thuds and a whole bunch of moaning. I'd hoped for a little more finesse, but we were dealing with Sassy.
"Mmmkay… well that's certainly one way to do it," I muttered.
"Hey," she barked. "None of them blew up."
"True, which leads me to the next question. Did you find the traitor?"
“Yes and no," she hedged.
"Spill it," I said with exasperation.
"Well, I think they all had something to do with it, but someone else was behind the plan. I think it's a witch."
"You think? What do you mean you think? You're supposed to know," I hissed.
"Dude, those fuckers are old," Sassy whined. "You cannot even believe the rancid shit I had to sift through to even get that much. However, they didn't want to do it. It seems like they had no choice."
"They were spelled?" I asked.
"Probably… since they can't remember," she said with a shrug.
"That doesn't make much sense," I said.
"No fucking kidding," she agreed.
"Actually it does make some sense," Simon said as he walked over.
"You are hot," Sassy cooed. "You seeing anyone?"
"Yes, he is seeing someone," I snapped. "Keep it in your pants. Simon what are you talking about?"
"I sense a witch in the area. It's not Hildy and it's not this one."
"Awesome," I yelled making everyone jump. "I have ten pissed off warlocks with memory loss in my basement, a honey badger on the loose, and a bad witch who can bend the warlock's wills flying around in my hood."
"Sucks for you," Sassy said.
"Nope," Mac corrected her. "It sucks for all of us. We're a team."
I wanted to jump him and make him see the Goddess. He was hotter than hell and he was mine. Wait. He was not mine. He was just someone I was dating temporarily. Riiiiiight.
Maybe I should talk to Roger.
No.
No.
No.
After I was done here I would go to Florida and do some intensive therapy—for a year. Yes. Good plan.
"Florida is too hot. It's filled with tourists and pelican Shifters. You would hate it there. Pelicans are violent bastards—lots of healing," Mac said with a raised brow and a hint of warning in his voice.
"Get out of my head," I said.
"Stop thinking so loud," he countered.
"Ohhhhhhhhh, he can read your mind?" Hildy squealed. "That means he's your…"
"STOP!" I yelled. "We have a problem here and it has to be handled."
Hildy just giggled. "Of course, dear. You're correct. Carry on."
I considered falling to the ground and banging my head, but I was unsure if I could heal myself without blowing up.
"
What are we going to do, Boss Lady?" Sassy asked as she and my community stared at me and waited for my answer.
"We're gonna… um… kick some ass. I just need twenty-four hours to train and come up with a plan that doesn't result in the end of Assjacket and all its inhabitants. Until that time, I want everyone to bring tents here and camp out. I don't want anyone on their own until we're certain it's safe."
"I'm not going anywhere," Chuck, now back in his human form, said as he stood right beneath my Aunt. "I will protect what's mine and all of my friends."
Hildy sighed and blushed with joy.
"He's such an alpha," she murmured.
"Damn right, woman," Chuck said with the first real smile I'd seen in ages.
"Alrighty then, everyone go get your tents. I'm going inside to have a brief panic attack and then I'm going to watch Project Runway and eat a vat of cookie dough. Everything is going to be fine," I assured my people.
They all cheered and waved as they went home to get their camping gear.
I then prayed to the Goddess I wasn't selling them a bridge.
I prayed really hard.
Really, really hard.
Chapter 12
"Wait," I said as I wiped the sweat from my brow and tried to catch my breath. Magic training sucked. I wasn't sure what the five-mile run had to do with controlling my magic, but I did as I was told. "All the Shifters have gifts?"
"Oh yes," Hildy said as she flitted about in the air. "Wonderful gifts."
It was morning and we were in the back yard. All the Shifters were camped out in the front.
Behind the house was off limits while I practiced my magic with Daaaaad and Hildy. Sassy was supposed to join us, but her lazy ass slept in. I wasn't going to run the risk of hurting anyone.
Even Mac agreed to let me out of his sight for an hour or two.
"Wanda has the power to calm people," Daaaaad said. "Deedee promotes happiness."
"I can see those being true," I grunted as I tried to zero in on a small rock and obliterate it without creating a car-sized crater like I had only moments ago when I tried to make a leaf disappear.
"You'll want the lion Shifters to have a go at your yard in the near future," Daaaaad recommended as he examined one of the larger holes I'd blasted.
"Why?"
"Their gift is communing with the earth," Hildy said. "Very strenuous. It's why they sleep all the time."
"I always thought they were lazy," I said as I gave up on the rock and sighed. There were twelve large craters in my back yard. This was not going well.
"Oh, heavens no," Hildy said. "Just the opposite."
"Roger the rabbit is an empath," Daaaaad added without cracking a smile.
I wasn't as polite. My laugh burst from my lips and I bent over in hysterics. "Roger is not an empath. Roger's a porno addict."
A streak of vivid purple lightning, compliments of the Goddess, descended from the sky and zapped me right in the ass.
"Mother humper," I squealed as I rubbed the butt blast that I was certain would leave a scar.
"Sorry," I yelled to the heavens. "It slipped."
"Witch's Oath?" Hildy asked as she hovered low and examined my still smoldering rear end.
"Yep, I wasn't supposed to share that icky nugget."
"Oh sweetie, we all know about Roger's fondness for voyeurism. It doesn't preclude him from being a wonderful therapist. He's an outstanding sexual therapist."
"Yuck," I mumbled as I patted my singed backside. "Don't really want to hear it."
"I've considered speaking with him about tips on phone sex for Chuck and me," Hildy informed us.
"Gotta agree with Zelda on this one. Yuck. That's TMI, my sister," Daaaaad said as he winced."
"Whatever, Mr. I-Have-a-date-with-Baba-Yaga," Hildy sang gleefully. "I have waited for this for hundreds of years!"
"What are you talking about?" Daaaaad demanded.
"Fabio, you need to settle down with a nice witch. You have had the most appalling taste in women for centuries," she admonished.
"Product of horrid liaison here," I reminded my aunt with a raised hand.
"Oh dear," she muttered and turned agitated circles in the air. "You are a blessing. Your mother may have been horrid, but you my dear, are a gift."
"You knew her?" I asked.
"You could say that," she hedged.
"Spill," I insisted.
Hildy froze midair and wrinkled her brow. Goddess, she was exactly like her brother trying to find a creative way around the truth.
"I want facts, not fiction."
Hildy sighed dramatically and floated down to the earth. She kept her distance, but came as close as she felt was safe. My stomach dropped. What other nasty things could I learn about the witch who spawned me?
"Well, about a hundred and seventy-two years ago, your mother and I had a little tiff."
"Little?" Daaaaad snorted. "You and she blew up a good portion of Southern California."
"And that would be because?" I asked wanting to know what would cause such violence.
"She was copying me," Hildy huffed as she flipped her brother off.
Grabbing a bottle of water, I pulled up a lawn chair and seated myself. "Let me get this straight. You destroyed part of a state because she was copying you?"
"It was more complicated than it sounds," Hildy explained. "It was like she was trying to be me. She dressed like me, mimicked my spells, borrowed my clothes, stole my journal…"
"And your boyfriend," Daaaaad added.
"Yes well, she was welcome to him. He was a spineless buttdonkey," she hissed.
"An ass-ass," I corrected her.
"What?" Hildy asked, perplexed as Daaaaad snickered.
"Nothing," I muttered. "So you blew up a state?"
"Not because of that. But when I caught her stealing hair out of my hairbrush it all came to a head," she ground out.
"Holy Goddess," I said with a shudder. "She took hair?"
Taking hair meant she was planning either a voodoo doll of Hildy, which was against every magical law on the books, or she was going to do a very evil spell on my aunt. Both were cowardly and abhorrent.
"She took my hair," Hildy hissed. "Of course I got it back."
"Didn't she also dye her own hair to match yours?" Daaaaad asked.
"She did. So I smited her ass and she smote right back. It got somewhat out of hand and we blew up a few things."
"Like a quarter of a state," Daaaaad mumbled.
"Whatever," Hildy snapped. "I won. She lost. She spent a good ten years in the pokey for what she tried to do."
"Like mother, like daughter," I said as I dropped my head into my hands.
"No. You killed me by accident," Fabio consoled me. "It didn't even hurt… much."
"I'm a loser," I moaned. "I can't handle my magic, and I ran over my dad and killed him."
"Luckily he was a cat, dear," Hildy said lovingly as if it was the one fact which mattered most. "Nine lives and all."
Wait a minute.
"So you boffed my mom knowing she had tried to kill your sister?"
I was shocked, completely grossed out and mad.
"Absolutely not," Daaaaaad said defensively. "I didn't even know her name when I first boffed her."
"Nice," Hildy said sarcastically.
"I didn't," Daaaaad insisted. "I was in Rome studying gymnastics when the showdown with your aunt happened. Your mother was going by an entirely different name a hundred years later when we met."
"Gymnastics?" I queried with a snicker.
"Talk to me when you've lived as long as I have," Daaaaad shot back. "Hobbies are hard to find."
Holy hell, what did I have to look forward to?
"He's right. I was into snake charming and fly-fishing before my demise. Anyhoo, I'm quite positive she knew you were my brother," Hildy told him. "We're kind of hard to miss with the red hair and all."
"Possibly," Daaaaad agreed. "She was quite obsessed with my healing abilitie
s and wanted me to teach her."
Witch Glitch Page 10