"Right," she said. "She couldn't get it by imitation. She couldn't get it by boffing. She couldn't get it by bearing a child from the healer line."
"Get what?" I asked.
"Your magic," she said with an eye roll.
"Your point?"
"She can't be a healer without your magic. Therefore she can't be a Baba Yaga. I'm pretty sure it’s what she's always been after. By the way, it's still blowing my mind that Baba's name is Carol. She is so not a Carol. It should be Madonna or Cyndi Lauper or Pat Benatar."
"So true," I agreed and then slapped myself in the head for losing concentration again. Sassy could make the Devil himself lose focus.
"Anyhoo, the badgers got your magic," she told Hildy.
"Would you like to tell us something we don't know," Hildy queried less politely than usual.
"Wait. You think my mother was behind the badgers?" I gasped.
"Possibly or maybe not. But it certainly seems like she knew enough to let the ugly rubbery fucker go."
"I thought the creepy little warlocks did that," Daaaaad said.
"For fucks sake, do I have to spell out everything?" Sassy huffed.
"Yes," we yelled in unison causing Sassy to jump, resulting in half of the cabana blowing up.
"Whoops." Sassy giggled and shrugged. "Your mother dates a vamp, right?"
"Pretty sure we've already clarified that icky nugget," I reminded her.
"That explains it," she said with a satisfied grunt like she was done.
"Oh. My. Hell," I shouted and flung my arms, inadvertently blowing up the other half of the cabana. "Explains what?"
"The puncture wounds in the necks of the douchehole warlocks," she replied as if we were daft.
My knees buckled and I dropped to the ground with a thud. Sassy was brilliant—a massive pain in my ass—but brilliant. The answer was right in front of us.
"It doesn't prove she was behind the whole thing," I said as I expelled the breath I'd been holding.
"No," Sassy agreed. "But I'd bet my finest tail, the one with all the sequins and feathers sewn on it, that she's involved now."
Again I almost forgot what I was talking about as the visual of Sassy's horsetail invaded my brain. Her mind alone was a weapon which could be used to kill.
"I'm still not on the same page," Daaaaad said.
"The vampire bit all the warlocks and tranced them into making them let the badger go. He probably wiped their memory of it too. That's why they can't remember," I told him.
"Do you think he bit the badger too?" Sassy asked.
"Um… that would be insanely gross, but I don't know," I said. "A couple of theories could work here. One—the badgers worked with my mother to get Hildy's magic. However, that didn't pan out because the badger put the magic in himself. Two—my lovely maternal incubator heard about it and wants the ability to do it herself. She'd have to have the honey badger to get the syringe."
"Diabolical, but certainly possible," Daaaaad said.
"Goddess, I should have smited her to dust all those years ago," Hildy hissed.
"No," Sassy disagreed. "If you had, I wouldn't have a best friend. Zelda would have never been born."
Hildy turned a ghostly ashen and dropped down to the ground next to me. "She's right," she apologized. "I didn't mean what I said."
"I know," I told my aunt. "And you." I pointed at Sassy. "Are you just trying to butter me up or are you trying to make me go easy on the fact you smeared fucking cream cheese on my jeans?"
"Both?"
"Smart girl," Daaaaad said as his hands lit up with sparks. "Let's go find your mother. I have a few things I'd like to tell her in sign language."
"Nope," I said firmly as I stood up and gave Sassy a quick, awkward hug. "We go after the badger. It'll be easier to find a stinky animal than a witch who doesn't want to be found until she has the syringe. Plus she's most likely working with a vampire."
"It's next to impossible to kill a vamp," Hildy worried aloud.
"It might be difficult to find the honey badger too," I said.
"Can we scry for him?" Sassy asked.
"Excellent suggestion," Daaaaad said. "However, scrying can take days and I don't think we have days."
"We don't need to scry," Hildy announced. "There's a Shifter with the gift of being able to sniff out other species, but…"
"But what?" I asked, excited to have a lead.
"It's Bo," Hildy said softly.
"Baby Bo?" I shouted in disbelief. "Four year old, adorable Bo?"
"Yes," she answered. "He is an alpha in training. His power is immense."
"Absofuckinglutely not. He's too young and I won't risk his life. The honey badgers have already cracked his skull. And let me just say, it hurt like a motherhumper from hell to heal that wound," I snapped. "There has to be another way. Sassy go find a mirror and start to scry. Daaaaad go with her since she's never seen the honey fucker. Hildy start thinking of a plan B which doesn't involve a child."
"Zelda, this might be the only way. It might be what fate decrees," Hildy said sadly.
"Then fate can bite my butt. There's always another way. I just have to figure out what the hell it is," I insisted. "And I will figure it out."
Shitshitshit. I just hoped I wasn't blowing smoke up my own ass.
Chapter 14
"I can do it," Little Bo said sweetly as he puffed out his tiny chest and growled.
I ran my hands through my hair and paced the front lawn in agitation. All the Shifters gave me a wide berth as my fingers were shooting off green sparks.
"I think we can find a better and safer way," I said. "You're simply too young to deal with a witch, a vampire and a honey badger."
Mac leaned against the railing of my front porch and watched the action with his arms crossed over his chest. I didn't recognize the expression on his face, but didn't have time to decipher it. The Shifters were whispering and I was getting annoyed.
"I'm not crazy about this," Wanda said as she held her son close. "But my boy is correct. Bo is capable."
"He's just a baby," I yelled. "The honey badgers almost killed him the last time."
"But they didn't," Mac said from the porch. "Shifters are vastly different than humans and much different than witches. Plus we have the Shifter Whisperer."
"That's Shifter Wanker," I ground out.
"My bad," he said biting his lip to suppress his grin.
I was tempted to blow up part of the porch—the part that would land on his head. He was supposed to be on my side, especially if he wanted in my pants. What was happening here?
"He's four," I snapped.
"He's an alpha," Mac countered.
The plethora of Shifters in my yard went silent and watched the unfolding drama between the witch and the wolf.
"You would risk a child's life? A child from your kingdom?"
"I wouldn't risk any of my people's lives," Mac said coolly. "Ever."
"Not having puppies with you," I muttered under my breath.
The next thing I knew the wolf was in my personal space, I was trapped against his hard body and his lips were at my ear.
"Do not judge things you don't understand, Zelda. You are young and inexperienced. Trust me on this. I don't want our people to see us at odds. It will not be helpful," he whispered.
A chill of desire and a shudder of fury skittered through my body. I was torn and I didn't like Mac one little bit at the moment. My attraction to him infuriated me. I was a dummy. I knew he was right about hiding the dissenting opinions, but I couldn't cave where Bo was concerned—alpha Shifter or not.
"No, I won't allow it," I informed him loud enough to be heard.
The gasps from the crowd made me uneasy and the power radiating off the man I was challenging didn't bode well. Mac was a force that any sane person wouldn't reckon with. I was clearly insane.
"I can't heal a dead person," I argued to the Shifters and ignored the sexy assbucket who had attached himself to me. "He�
�s just a little boy."
Wanda and Simon carefully approached with Hildy floating above. I pushed Mac away—actually I was fairly sure he let me. It was as if everyone was against me and I hated that feeling.
A big part of me wanted to throw my hands in the air and say "fuck all of you" then leave. I really wanted to do that. But I was supposed to watch over these imbeciles. They were making it very hard.
"Zelda," Hildy explained. "Mac is right. Shifters are not like us. They're people, but they're also animals. Their instincts and gifts are very different from ours. Bo will not be alone, but he's the only one who can scent the honey badger. The longer we wait, the more danger we're in."
Wanda took my hands in hers. "He's my son. It humbles me you feel so strongly about him, but what has been said is true. Bo is powerful and will be protected."
"I know this seems odd to you," Simon said kindly. "But this is the way it is for us."
"Who will protect him?" I demanded.
"I will," Chuck said as he stepped forward from the crowd. "Not a hair on his head will be harmed."
"You'll protect him?" I asked doubtfully.
"With my life," Chuck promised.
"Well that certainly doesn't help." I laughed and the crowd backed further away. The sparks now covered the entire top half of my body. "You've been trying to end your life for weeks."
Chuck bowed his head and stayed silent.
"Look, I'm sorry, but you have," I told him.
"This is true, but my duty to my people comes before my desire to be with my mate."
"He's your mate?" I asked Hildy, totally surprised as I tamped my magic down.
She nodded and hovered above Chuck.
"He bit you?" I asked.
Hildy nodded again and winked.
"Did it hurt?" I asked much to the amusement of the town witnessing me and my filter-less mouth.
"Just the opposite," she said with an enormous grin.
I felt Mac at my back and moved away. It didn't matter if was orgasmically awesome. It didn't matter if it tickled. It wasn't going to happen for me. Not with Mac. Not with anyone. I was leaving. I would fight with everything I had and then disappear.
Too many feelings were fucking with my chi.
I'd miss Assjacket and its inhabitants, but I'd get over it. I always did.
And the truth was they'd be better off without me. So if this was the way they wanted to do it, who was I to stop them? They'd do it with me or without me.
"We can't do it without you," Mac said as he again moved into my personal space. "It's not possible."
Again I moved away. "Fine… and get out of my head," I said. The Shifters heaved a collective sigh of relief. "We'll do it your way, but as soon as we find the badger, I want Bo moved to safety."
"That's a given," Mac said.
I refused to make eye contact with him. His eyes spoke more than his mouth and I was concerned he heard all of what I'd just thought. Tough shit. If he was rude enough to crawl into my head, he'd just have to deal with what he heard.
"Alright," I said. "I want all the strongest fighters to gather in groups of five. Once we know the location, we'll have the groups surround the area and we'll go in together."
"Hey, I suck at scrying," Sassy yelled as she pushed her way through the crowd.
Daaaaad followed behind her looking like he wanted to pull his hair out. Sassy was good like that.
"No worries," I said. "We have a change of plans. You and Daaaaad will be coming with me. We might need to combine magic if we have to deal with a vamp. Where are the cats?"
"Eating," she snorted.
"Of course they are," I said with a disgusted shake of my head. If they were going to live here, they were going on a diet.
"Combining your power won't work," Hildy fretted. "Magic won't kill a vampire. Magic doesn't work on the already dead."
"What kills them?" I asked, afraid of the answer.
"Removing their head or staking their heart with silver," Daaaaad supplied gravely.
"I can remove a head with magic," I said as the bile rose in my throat.
I was a fucking healer—not a killer. This was against everything that I believed in. However, I could and would do it if my people were in danger.
"It must be done with bare hands or teeth," Wanda explained with a grimace.
"Alrighty then," I choked out. "I'm not your man."
"I'm your man," Mac said tersely.
The double entendre was not lost on me, but I ignored it. He could not be my man. He was too good for somebody like me.
"The blood will kill you," Daaaaad warned. "Even a drop will destroy you."
"I thought you didn't like him," I interrupted.
"I never said I didn't like him," Daaaaad replied in his defense. "I just don't like him with you."
"Got ya," I said with a nod.
Mac growled and my Daaaaad grinned.
"The blood won't kill Mac," Little Bo said reverently as he took his mom's hand and giggled. "Mac has more magic than anyone I know—super powers."
All the Shifters dropped to their knees and bowed their heads in respect. I turned and stared at the man who I secretly adored.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"Besides yours, I suppose you could call me a freak of nature," he said evenly.
"Hey," Sassy said in her outdoor voice even though she was a foot away. "Is my man Jeeves here?"
The Shifters glanced around nervously. Apparently they'd heard about Sassy's new fictional relationship and were terrified for poor Jeeves.
"Yes, I'm here," Jeeves shouted from the back of the crowd. "Does someone require servicing?"
"Oh shit," I muttered as Sassy squealed with glee.
"I do," she sang out as Jeeves emerged from the group. "Oh my Goddess, you're hot!"
I was unsure if she was seeing the same thing I was. Jeeves was far from hot. He was a hot mess. However, Jeeves was struck dumb as he bounced and stared at Sassy with undisguised lust.
"What the hell?" Mac muttered as Sassy grabbed Jeeves by the collar of his ill-fitted tux and laid a big wet one on him.
The Shifters clapped politely and looked confused.
"Looks like you've gained a daughter-in-law." I laughed at the look of horror on Mac's face.
"Looks like you have too," he shot back with a smirk.
I shrugged. I wasn't staying. Although the new turn of events was enough to make me leave alone. There wasn't enough money in the world to make me become related to Sassy—even by marriage.
Mac watched me with narrowed eyes and thin lips. When I stayed mute, he took over.
"The badger won't be out until after sundown. That gives us about eight hours to prepare," Mac directed. "Go to your tents and rest. I want everyone to eat and sleep. This is going to be a long night."
"Why not go after him while he's sleeping?" Simon raised his hand and asked.
"Because we need him to lead us to the syringe and ultimately to my mother," I said.
"Your mother?" Wanda asked with concern.
"I'll get them up to speed while Jeeves gives me a back rub that will lead to some afternoon delight," Sassy stated very seriously. "You go rest, boss lady."
"Mmmkay," I said warily. I wondered what Sassy's version would include and decided to block out the afternoon delight part.
"Oh and you were right. The spring water fountain rocks!"
I swallowed the burst of laughter that threatened to escape my lips and headed quickly for the house.
"What are you going to do, your Majesty?" a Shifter shouted out.
"I'm going to have a nap with my mate," he replied.
That stopped me dead. "I am not your mate," I hissed and slapped my now fire shooting hands on my hips. "And I am not sleeping with you."
"Who said anything about sleeping?" Mac inquired with a lopsided grin as all the Shifters hooted and hollered.
"I can smite all of you," I threatened, but they just laughed and kept cheering.
I'd take Mac to my room and let him have it. If he thought it was going to be pleasurable, he had another thing coming. He was dealing with a pissed off witch.
Witch Glitch Page 12