*
R paused in his telling.
I took a deep breath and glanced at my husband. He was snoring, his face down on the table. I brought out a pillow, slipped it under his head, and pleaded for R to continue.
*
I suppose that’s enough background …
I left prison around this time two years ago. I’d been incarcerated for seven years, across eight calendar years. I had never imagined the world would’ve changed so much during that time. A little change is inevitable but … What was truly foolish was that I thought, once I stepped off the train at Longjing Station, that the platform would be crowded with my comrades. Stupid of me. I had known that I was a little obsessed with honour, but …
So, I stepped off the train at Longjing with great hope in my heart. And who was there to greet me? Not a single face I knew. The platform crawled with troops in uniforms I’d never seen before. I felt my body become as heavy as iron. The entire platform seemed to empty out in a few seconds. That was when I burst into tears like a child. The sorrow welled up in me and I could not keep it down anymore.
I left the station with no comrades, no parents, nothing to contradict the notion that I’d fallen out of the sky. I stood around and didn’t know where to go. The people who were on the train with me were marching on far ahead. I felt so empty …
I decided to drop in on an old comrade. The city was very different from seven years before. It took me two hours of wandering and asking around to find out his whereabouts. I learned that he had gone somewhere to earn money and had left his wife to look after their children. She didn’t know when he would be back. I learned only later on from another comrade that he had moved to Yanji. I had wasted my whole evening looking for him. I was so exhausted that I didn’t have the courage to keep on looking. I spent that night in an inn and went out looking for him again the following morning.
Finally, in the afternoon, I bumped into someone I knew on the street. He was wearing a consulate guard uniform! Ma’am, I should not talk more about him. I understand, now, that changes in one’s circumstances force changes in one’s mind. But back then, I was enraged. My anger was as if my flesh and blood had sloughed off my bones and my skeleton had caught fire. I began to abhor the sight of Longjing. After spending the rest of the day loitering in one of its parks, I left the city for good.
I tried to go back to Russia, but the borders were so heavily policed that there was no way to enter the country. I wandered into a place three li away from Longjing called Myeongdong instead. I realized this was where the house of a jailed comrade stood. I went to it, and his mother greeted me warmly. She eventually collapsed in tears thinking of her own son in jail. I’d been looking for a chance to cry as well, and cry I did, hugging the old woman as we both wailed. Such is life!
My story is getting too long. My comrade’s mother had lost her husband in a failed rebellion and had nothing to look forward to in life except the safe return from jail of her only child. As for the wife of my comrade …
(R coughed.)
She’d been married to my comrade for ten years, but she had never been with him for more than four days. There she was, dutiful and diligent, taking care of her mother-in-law while suffering through all sorts of hardships. What a pitiful sight they made, living in such gloomy conditions, such unspeakable sorrow …
In any case, the two women were very happy to see me. I hadn’t planned on going there in the first place, and I knew how difficult things were for them, so I tried to leave the next day, but the mother cried and refused to let me go. She declared that if we starved, we’d starve together, and bade me to stay until her son came back. I did feel sorry for them. While I stayed there, I visited the school in Myeongdong, where I found that they had a teaching position open. I got the job and ended up moving into that house permanently.
Working at the school, I was able to give all of my salary to my comrade’s mother, small as it was. I helped her by sweeping the yard every day, cleaning the outhouses, watering the plants, examining the pumpkin vines, and occasionally tending their vegetable patch. I cannot describe how wonderful it was to handle the earth freely and breathe in as much of the clean morning air as I wanted.
How I had longed for such freedom during those long years in tedious solitary confinement … In that house, I realized that no torture was more terrible than to live in isolation. One can’t stand up or lie down straight. Long summer days are spent sitting down. And to have no one to talk to! The sound of people talking in the next room drove me crazy. My words were like fireballs stinging my mouth and I wanted to hurl them at anyone and anything. The words burned in me, unused.
*
‘Dear God!’ I said before I could stop myself.
R blushed, his face as red as fire. ‘How could I not appreciate, then, the breeze cooling my hair, when I could touch anything I wanted with my own hands? Sometimes I found myself mumbling, “You’re not in prison anymore!”’
He laughed. ‘Oh, but ma’am …’
*
My comrade’s wife, Gyesoon, had a reputation for being very plain. She had no pretty features, and one might say her face resembled a fist! There was no charm to her forehead, and her eyes and nose were spaced so far apart, you couldn’t but take pity on her. But the teeth concealed in her demure mouth shone like pearls. Her heart was as strong and pure as those teeth. Her demure posture, her handling of food, and the fall and tuck of her clothing were just as straight and orderly.
For one thing, her washing shone white. You may say, ma’am, that everyone washes clothes white, but Gyesoon’s washing was as white as gourd flowers, and the garments were rinsed so thoroughly that there was not a hint of soap or scum, only the scent of spring water …
*
‘You know laundry so well!’ I couldn’t help but exclaim.
He smiled. ‘That’s because I had to wash my own clothes since I was seventeen. I also washed my comrades’ clothes before I went to prison.’
‘Really? A thing like that.’ I was thinking how his sparkling eyes and pointed nose made him look like an artist.
‘I don’t know much about food, but during the year I was in that house, I never bit down on gravel while chewing or found a single hair in the rice. Each rice grain shone as if polished, and that taste lingered deliciously in the mouth. I can still taste it now … She never made any extraordinary side dishes, but they were wonderfully savoury. Not like the meals at inns where the food flatters the tongue using Ajinomoto or sugar. Her cooking had a much more expensive, high-quality taste. I’m very particular about food and clothing. My word, your husband sleeps well.’
R’s face, which had seemed to shine until a moment ago, suddenly went dark. I glanced at the lamp, thinking it had gone out, and looked back at him.
‘Ma’am, since the day I ran out of that house, I haven’t had a single delicious meal. This is going to be very rude of me.’ He grinned. ‘But I could immediately tell if something was made by Gyesoon or someone else. I could even tell whether a handkerchief had been washed by her or not! I felt almost like a child with his mother. I trusted her in everything. My heart grew dark and my body lost its vigour when she was out of sight even for a moment. Do you think this is what people call love?’
*
And how could this be, that a man would fall in love with his comrade’s wife?
How could this happen to a man who all but flew across Manchuria in the name of class struggle? Was it not the time to truly immerse myself in the work of fighting the enemy?
But I would feel despondent whenever I thought of this. How far I had fallen. How weak I had become in prison.
These foolish thoughts cost me the health that I had recovered since leaving prison. I lost sleep in the endless clash between reason and my ever-growing passion. But whenever I saw Gyesoon, my face would break into a smile. How I wanted to touch her lovely, plump hand �
�
*
A vein in R’s forehead popped as he closed his mouth. I felt so embarrassed that I could not meet his eye. He poured himself another glass and knocked it down his throat.
‘Are you sleepy, ma’am?’
‘I’m fine. Do go on.’
He thought for a while.
*
Please forgive me for boring you so…
This was last summer. My comrade’s mother had to go to Longjing for a family wedding. I saw her off, and on my way back to the house, my mind was seized by an overwhelming feeling of … All through my teaching that day, I kept dropping my chalk and correcting my letters and numbers on the blackboard to the giggling of my students. After the school day ended, I felt too afraid to go home. I remained in the classroom by myself. I tried to think straight, knowing that if I went home without having thought things through, I might end up doing a terrible deed. But I only felt an urgent need as if to urinate and could not for the life of me hold a coherent thought in my head. All I ended up doing was pacing around the school. I went in and out of every other classroom before finally leaving the building.
The school grounds were so lonely. The sports field looked wider than I had ever seen it before. I walked around it until my feet hurt, and when I looked up, I saw that the little stream in front of the school was blood-coloured. I ran to the stream, feeling the sunlight on my hair, and the clear smell of the stream hit my nose. It was the scent that came from Gyesoon’s clothes.
I longed to go home then but instead walked for a long time, not knowing where I was going. I eventually came back to the stream and sat down on the bank. Birds chattered above me, and the stream babbled, but my mind was empty of all thoughts. Then, I suddenly stood to attention. I need to be a man and stop getting so distracted. I should do what I want to do and get on with it! The idea had struck me like lightning, and I took a few steps forward. Then I thought, But I’m only human after all, and sat down again where I was. The pebbles in the stream gleamed white and the blue shadows of the willow trees carpeted the ground like moss. Little fish swam in pairs. They were mating. And how the tips of the branches of the willow trees would almost touch the water, and how oblivious the water seemed!
I couldn’t bear it. I left the willow trees and kept walking.
It was soon sunset, and every tree and blade of grass before me started throwing shadows. Far away, the sun over the horizon seemed to tease me with a refrain: Won’t you cry, won’t you cry? I bowed my head and kept walking. It became twilight, and the insects began to sing louder. I reached home and, after some hesitation, quietly opened the gate. Gyesoon sat on the porch waiting for me as if she were my wife. She gracefully stood up. I felt heat darken my vision. I quickly went into my room.
After a while, I heard her say, ‘Why don’t you wash?’
I jumped up and came out of the room. Gyesoon was moving away, having placed a basin of water on the porch in front of my room. I wanted to run to her and grab her waist. My heart pounded, and my whole body trembled. But I stood firm where I was. It took every ounce of my past experiences, where I walked the line between life and death, to stand firm. But for a moment, I could’ve crumbled. Thank God Gyesoon went into the kitchen, else …
I pretended to take in a few spoonfuls of dinner before deciding to spend the night at a friend’s house. Once I had this idea, my body relaxed, and I felt a few jolts down to the ends of my bones. I wanted to lie down a bit before leaving, so I did. I heard the sound of dishes being washed, then silence. I was wondering where Gyesoon went when I heard the scratch of a match being struck.
It sounded as lovely as a voice saying, Here I am.
I closed my eyes and imagined Gyesoon’s face. Oddly enough, I had trouble imagining it; when I thought of her eyes, her nose disappeared, and when I thought of her lips, her eyes disappeared, which was saddening. More than anything else, a voice kept tormenting me by whispering, Just go to the master bedroom, just go to the master bedroom. On what pretence could I go to the master bedroom? To borrow a needle to mend my worn-out suit? But I already borrowed a needle from her yesterday. Then what?
Oh! What about water? But she had already given me water. No, that was rice gruel, so this time I could ask for water… I jumped to my feet. Then a voice in my ear seemed to shout, Stop it, you bastard! I slunk down again and looked at the door. The room was dark, and the door was a pale rectangle of white. The ribs of the door’s lattice crisscrossed the white of the papering, startling me. They reminded me of prison. I thought of all my comrades trapped there. Especially Gyesoon’s husband, whose face refused to vacate my mind. I thought of all the times in our past when we worked side by side. I felt as if I’d swallowed a rock and it had caught somewhere down my throat. I struck at my chest. Tears flowed from my eyes.
I thought that this couldn’t go on, so I prodded the surface of my desk until I found the textbook I’d brought with me and got up. Why was it so hard to get up? I came up to my door and stood still. Then, after a long hesitation, I opened the door. How the light from the master bedroom door shone like sunlight through the papered lattice screen! I wanted to call out, ‘Gyesoon!’ I wanted to push aside the thoughts of my imprisoned comrade and leap into the master bedroom. I put one bold step forward. Then another. And another! My heart was heavy, my face felt as if it were on fire …
Had the mother suddenly returned? The thought gave me pause. I realized it was only the light of the door that made me think so, but worries started pouring forth regardless. I looked back, examined the yard, and took a glimpse into the kitchen. Then, thinking the gate wasn’t locked, I crossed the courtyard to check it. Once I reached the gate, I became worried about who might be outside it, so I stood for a long while listening before quietly locking it. My body felt so light that I thought I would walk right into the sky. Once I returned to my room, I put my book down on the desk and breathed deeply. How smooth and soft the surface of my own desk felt, like a woman’s hand!
Oh, ma’am, you must forgive my language.
*
R wiped the sweat from his forehead and looked up at me. I blushed and glanced at my husband who was still sound asleep as if he didn’t have a care in this world.
‘What happened next?’ I asked, curious.
He swallowed and, after a moment’s pause, continued his story.
*
I thought about how I was going to talk to Gyesoon, how I was going to act towards her, and worried that she would refuse me … I thought about it for a long time. I was overjoyed just to be thinking these thoughts. And excuse me for saying this, but why did I keep salivating …? I kept swallowing like a man eating cold noodles.
I jumped to my feet again. Not now, wait just a bit longer … and if someone burst in, wouldn’t that be a terrible thing? I sat down again. Whenever I sat down, I felt a fire on my behind, and my anxiety that I was letting a good opportunity pass by was as relentless as the blows from a torturing policeman.
I got up again. I paced in my room. I listened for sounds from the master bedroom, my hand gripping the lock on my door. My hands sweated profusely. The lock became slippery in my grasp. It made my hand smell of iron as if I made a living selling fish. Thinking of my sweaty hand grabbing Gyesoon’s, I wiped my hand on the wall and my suit trousers, but that wasn’t enough, so I went around my room looking for a towel before hitting my head on the side of my desk and realizing that the room was as dark as a cave. Oh no, my lamp was not on; that was why Gyesoon was not coming to me! I struck a match to light the lamp. Why couldn’t I see the lamp that was supposed to be right next to me? I had wasted a match looking for it. Then, I had a thought. The lamp should be there. Did Gyesoon take it? I struck another match and saw that the lamp was still there, right where it should be. My room was a mess. The children’s composition assignments were scattered everywhere.
That’s when I came down to earth in a rush. I picked up
one of the compositions. I got bored after about three pages and gathered up the compositions and placed them on the desk. I got up again. I was determined to make a decision now. When I opened the door, I saw the light was still on in the master bedroom. Gyesoon was finding it as sleepless a night as I was. I came out into the yard.
After a brief hesitation, I called out towards her room, ‘Please bring me a bowl of water!’
The master bedroom door slid open and Gyesoon stepped out. How ridiculous, because the moment I received the water that she brought from the kitchen, I became braver.
‘Did you sleep?’ I asked her.
‘No.’
‘Would you like to talk a little before you sleep?’
Gyesoon did not reply. I took a step towards her and she took a step back.
‘Did Mother-in-law say she’ll return tomorrow?’ she asked with a trembling voice.
I felt as if cold water had been splashed down my back.
‘P-Perhaps,’ I said, my throat closing. Only then did I notice the bowl of water in my hands. I quickly gulped it down. She took the bowl from me and moved away. The light flowed down the left side of her skirt, softly like skin.
Unconsciously I followed her. ‘Look here!’
Gyesoon quickly moved into her room and popped her head out the door.
‘Would you …’ I had to say something through my stuttering. ‘Would y-you like to write a letter to prison?’
I felt another chill down my back. Why did I keep saying things I didn’t mean?
Gyesoon hesitated before answering, ‘Wait until Mother-in-law gets back.’
Her voice sounded like pleading. I felt as if a steel wall had come down between Gyesoon and me. I wanted to shout at her, Why did you have to be the wife of my comrade!
The Underground Village Page 11