by Simon Mayo
‘Itch, this has been a secret for years—’
‘Nothing stays a secret. Not now. You need to tell your friends in high places to move fast.’
‘Actually, I agree,’ said Alexander.
‘They must shut the beach . . .’
‘I agree.’
‘Maybe the navy will need to get involved . . .’
‘Itch, I agree,’ Alexander repeated.
‘He agrees, Itch!’ shouted Chloe and Lucy together.
‘Oh, sorry – er, good, then.’
‘So. It’s late and I have some calls to make and an X-ray spectrometer to make waterproof. See you all at the beach tomorrow.’
They all turned to leave.
‘Oh . . . and Itch?’ called Dr Alexander. ‘You and the find in Boscastle are big news. Trust me, the biggest news anywhere. If one supernova has been found, why shouldn’t there be others? Everyone will go crazy for this story. You might not like it, but your life is about to change again. Cornwall will change . . . the UK will change. This is like a new industrial revolution! And who knows what the consequences will be?’
His words hung in the air. It seemed like a solemn moment. A historic moment.
‘In which case,’ said Itch, ‘before it all goes crazy, could we please all go for pizza?’
FOR THE ATTENTION OF THE PRIME MINISTER
Report from Dr Jacob Alexander, Future Energy Group Chair
CONFIDENTIAL
As requested, I enclose my full report on the discoveries off Boscastle, Tintagel and Crackington Haven, Cornwall. Alerted to their existence by the remarkable Itchingham Lofte, I have completed what is clearly just a preliminary study of the six acres in question. The site contains the debris of a supernova which struck the Earth at the end of the last ice age. What is left, in my opinion, has the potential to rival the Industrial Revolution in its impact on the region and the country. It can certainly make the UK energy-independent. Its existence will, of course, become general knowledge very shortly. At the time of writing the internet seems to be quiet on the matter, but we have little time.
Some of the deposits we have seen before; others are unique. In summary, the ocean bed contains various isotopes of plutonium, uranium, thorium, curium and californium. The element 126, which first emerged last year – provisionally called lofteium – is present in abundance. I would highlight the uranium particularly. It is present in a different form here; the balance of the isotopes 235 and 238 appears to be capable of creating a naturally occurring nuclear reactor in the geology of Cornwall. The potential can hardly be overstated.
We have taught for years about the probability of an ‘island of stability’ where new, undiscovered superheavy elements might be stable. The lofteium discovery proved the theory right. What no one imagined was that there was a real island where these elements were waiting to be discovered. This island exists, and lies in British waters.
You must act swiftly to protect what is now our country’s greatest asset. Until longer-term plans can be drawn up, MI5 and the Royal Navy must provide protection from those who will be jealous of our good fortune.
This energy revolution will transform our country for good if this bounteous gift is harnessed for us all. Itchingham Lofte, at great risk to himself and his friends, destroyed the first eight pieces of 126, believing them to pose a great threat. He may well have been correct, but the discovery of these vast deposits has changed the equation.
I have persuaded him that he can trust you – that he has to trust you – to use them in the best interests of the nation and of humanity.
I hope I was right to do so.
Jacob Alexander
Author’s Note
I have been researching topics for interview or to write about for many years now. None have proved as difficult as the whole business of printing money. This is, for the most part, reassuring! No one wants a currency’s secrets to be known; no one wants forgers to know how to sabotage banknotes. But if making banknotes burn is at the heart of your story, you are going to find very few people available to help you out! I only found one insider who was prepared to explain some of the process, and he/she only helped out on condition of anonymity. So thank you, secret undercover agent.
I have taken a small liberty with the banknote production in Spain. In reality the euro production is split between two sites, one in Madrid and the other in Burgos, where the paper mill that prints the notes is located. I have brought them together here to speed Itch’s adventure along.
Defibrillation plays an important part in the story and you might have been surprised by the circumstances under which the divers operate their equipment! Certainly what they attempt isn’t something that you hear about but the theory is apparently possible. Usually, if a person’s heart stops underwater, you would attempt CPR and rescue breaths at the surface. If you had the option, equipment and training, you would also use a defibrillator to shock the heart into beating again. But a report in 2006 from the National Center for Biotechnology Information in the USA concluded (after working with a 35kg pig!) that defibrillation can be performed effectively underwater.
There are a lot of ‘magic’ stones in Itchcraft and even more throughout Cornwall. All the sites that get vandalized in these pages really do exist and are well worth a visit. It isn’t surprising that in earlier times elaborate stories were constructed giving the rocks ‘special powers’. Some of the formations do look scary; it’s not difficult to understand how our ancestors might have attributed their shape and position to giants or witches! According to the legend of the strange Cheesewring, the top stone revolves three times when a cock crows! The Carn Kenidjack (where Debbie Price goes for her project) can make extraordinary noises – from hoots to low mutterings – and these were often blamed on the devil. Modern thought would suggest the wind is the culprit here.
The logan stones mentioned in relation to Itch’s churchyard adventure were believed to have the ability to turn you into a witch. Mr Watkins would add at this point that this is all about the mass of molten granite which welled up in a line from Dartmoor to what is now the Isles of Scilly. Over 300 million years (give or take a week or so) erosion has left this wonderful landscape which makes Cornwall such a special place. The words Meyn Mamvro, which appear all over the county, do mean ‘Stones of the Motherland’. This is also the title of a magazine which promotes conservation of prehistoric sites, though Itch is unaware of this!
Acknowledgements
Once again, the genius of Profs Andrea Sella and Paddy Regan at UCL and Surrey University respectively have been invaluable. Indispensable. Itch takes his science seriously, so I have to too. I have always wanted the ‘magic’ of the books to be real science that really works, and thanks to Andrea and Paddy I hope I have achieved that. And adding research scientist Dr Jon Speed to the triumvirate of wise men has given me all the wise council that a history graduate who plays records and watches films for a living could ever need. Professor Andrea’s copy of Nature’s Building Blocks by John Emsley is still on my desk, an element hunter’s bible if ever there was one.
Geography and Cornwall adviser was once again Bob Digby, Senior Vice President of the Geographical Association. He can arrange a wet tour of the Hurlers on Bodmin Moor if you need one. I still have his copy of Cornwall: A History by Philip Payton, an invaluable guide to the stones, geography and culture of the county. If you want to learn how you can use the word ‘granitic’ and terms like ‘the Variscan collision’, this is for you. I shall return all books before the fines are too great.
The BBC’s Hugh Pym (formerly Chief Economics Correspondent, now Health Editor) was the first to learn of my plan to set fire to the euro and gave me some great background on the importance (still) of banknotes in an electronic world.
With the six divers being such an important part of Itchcraft, I once again turned to Master Scuba Diver Laura Storm. The last section of the book would have been impossible without her. Who wouldn’t want to dive with Tobi,
Sade, Leila, Chika, Aisha and Dada? Could Itch have more female assistance in one story?
Thanks again to top agent Sam Copeland at RCW – the man to have fighting your corner; Chiggy and Emily Rees Jones at PBJ – always Itch believers; and Kelly Hurst – returned editor and speaker of wisdom.
And with thanks and love, Hilary, Ben, Natasha and Joe. Best family evs.
About the Author
Simon Mayo is one of Britain’s best-loved and most well-known radio presenters. He has worked on BBC radio since 1981 and is now the presenter of Drivetime on BBC Radio 2, which features the regular ‘Book Club’ show. He is also the co-presenter of Kermode and Mayo’s Film Review on BBC Radio 5 Live. In 2008, Mayo was recognized as the ‘Radio Broadcaster of the Year’ at the 34th annual Broadcasting Press Guild Awards and the ‘Speech Broadcaster of the Year’ at the Sony Radio Academy Awards. To find out more about Simon and his ITCH books go to itch-books.co.uk
Also available from Simon Mayo:
ITCH
ITCH ROCKS
ITCHCRAFT
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‘The Hurlers’: words and music by Seth Lakeman © 2008.
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